Hi everyone I'm new to this site. I have a 84 year old mother. I personally have fought cancer myself and survived . I now valued how important it is to live each day. I keep trying to ask my mum if she wants to come out go for a meal etc but keep being met with a no. I asked why and her answer is I can't see very well anymore or I'm not feeling great. Yet she is always going off on her own . She constantly only wants to talk about illness. I want her to say yes to enjoying some things in life while she can and constantly try to involve her but I'm being meet with a negative wall and finding I'm becoming angry and frustrated. I personally fought so hard to live and say yes to life, I don't understand how to handle her and have her enjoy what time she has left. She has never been a positive type of person by the way.
This is called projecting. You want her to be a certain way, act a certain way, think a certain way. Except the only person you can change is yourself.
"She has never been a positive type of person..."
And now you want her to be someone she never was.
I'm so happy that you won your fight against cancer! I totally understand why you'd now be frustrated by your Mom's dismaying attitude towards her life. Please remember that you aren't responsible for her happiness. We all make our own choices and then live with them.
Also, at 84 I would take her in for an exam and have her cognitively tested (and for memory as well). At this appointment maybe meds for depression can be discussed as an option. That's as much as you can do, plus have no expectations for how she is now and into the future. You need to minimize negativity. My Mom is 95 and was always a glass-half-empty person/victim mentality. When she goes off on a negative jag, has paranoia, talks only about herself, I make an attempt to distract her or change the subject. If all else fails I walk away and tell her I'll return when she's in a better mood.
May you receive good health in your future and peace in your heart about your Mom.
You can't change her.
Maybe if you tried getting her to help you do a few things like...
"Mom, I have to get new table cloth and napkins for the holiday dinner would you help me pick something out?" A trip to the store and a bit of lunch after. The lunch and outing are not the primary goal if you put it this way, it is a task that she can help you with.
"Mom, I have to pick out a new outfit for a lunch can you help me, you always have had good taste in picking out colors"
If these don't work then just accept that your mom is who she is and that is not going to change.
But you need to know that your own personal epiphany is not your mother's.
It sounds to me as though you are attempting to micromanager her life. That may seem like infantilizing her own choices.
I am 82. I more and more stay on my own, go at my own pace, do my own thing, and that's how I like it. I find I am a bit more slowly, take more rests; I hesitate to put that on others, and choose not to have to WORRY about them and their pace. I don't like a lot of chatter. I am much more a contemplative.
I would highly resent my daughter's meddling in my own choices, even were she well- meaning. You two are not the same people. What works for you--and I know you know this--may not be the answer for her, and for everyone else.
Do let your mother do it her own way, won't you?
Let her know you would love to have lunch with her, go to a park and sit and chat, or whatever, and if she would enjoy that to let you know.
I can recall being quite worried for an elder aunt many years ago, who sat often staring out her window. But when I asked she told me she did life review in that way, could walk any home she had had, and time in her life, and she was quite content in those memories.
I am quite happy with my own garden, walks, trips to the library or out junking, sitting in bed with the foster dog reading and etc. This is MY way to happiness.
I invite you to stay here and read. You aren't alone in trying to find the "answer" but see to it that you don't become the "parent" of your "parent". Let her do her life her way while she is still able. There will be time enough to the ALF and its games of Bingo and dominos and it's van trips here and there. But this now is her own time with her own choices.
At least your mother is "going off on her own" so she may just be one that rather do things by herself and that's ok. Respect that, and respect that she'll never be the person that you want her to be. She is her own person as are you.
And sadly talking about illnesses is very common with the elderly, as sometimes that's all they have to talk about. If you don't want to listen just change the subject to something more positive.
You can only control yourself, so quit fretting over trying to control your mother.
You are choosing to live your life your way .
Mom has the right to live her life her way .
That being said , if her attitude bothers you so much , try to change the subject , look over photo albums , ask her about when she was a child , watch a movie together , bring a meal to eat with her.
You can always cut short any particularly bad visit with an excuse to leave .
She’s 84 , you aren’t going to change her negativity, that isn’t new . She also may really not feel well , be tired . Old people frequently talk about illness .
You are trying to make her adopt your outlook . Maybe you pushing her to live life to the fullest is annoying and that’s why she refuses to go with you , yet “ goes off on her own “ and does her own thing , her way . Mom may very well be doing the best she can , and if so , you pushing her is probably frustrating for her.
That means, I am done!
We think, we know what's best for them... & we're trying to take care of them, they're declining & we want to protect & try to do things with them in these last days we have with them & it's reallllly difficult when they fight you on all of this and/or, don't want to do anything.
It's hard to understand but, I had to learn to LET GO!
Suggest, try, ask... if it's met with No, I'm over it & I go on about my business.
I've learned, you can't make someone do things or change them & at the end of the day, it's their life & they have to live it how they feel they want.
Me getting upset, or arguing etc., only harms me.. & also, they're elderly now, many times we still kinda see them as they were back in their 50s & it's just not that anymore.
Many times, I look at my mom like, Who are you, where is my mom... she's 80, 102 pounds, some memory decline from chemo, & in a lot of pain from her spine from 4 car accidents. So, mostly she doesn't want to do anything but stuff around the house & watch TV. And I had to come to terms with that.
I had a birthday dinner for her a few months ago. She really didn't want to do that, not real excited about stuff like that, but, I set reservations, bought a cake at home, balloons, invited family to the restaurant & she had a ball. She loved it.
So, ya do what you can & let go of mostly all of what you can't & in the process, take note of how you're doing & try to take care of yourself.
I often had feelings of, my insides are going to explode & I had to figure out how to handle that so I don't get to that point.
Early on, I told my best friend, 'I gotta' get OUT of here before I have a stroke!' :-(
This situation for me, landed me in therapy & my Dr. prescribing me medication. Things I have never done or needed in my entire life!
I have never been in an environment like this!
So, the only thing that works for me is, when she starts her stuff, I don't even respond, I don't try to figure it out, or defend myself or see what it is she's talking about because that initial response from me always lands me in a loud argument with her. Which is Terrrrrible because she's an old lady. But still tries to be like she used to be!
And it's always because of small things, wash cloths, I take too long in the bathroom but she doesn't even like drinking water because she doesn't even want to get up more than once to tinkle. So to her, it's weird that you drink 6 to 8 glasses of water & use the restroom several times a day. It's just bonkers!
It's also, she moved something, can't REMEMBER something but attacks you.. YOU did it, etc. I have never in my life been in this kind of environment so it's really really hard. AND, it's never anything important, it's over bottle tops, or olive oil or toilet paper or forks & I.m like this is INSAAANE!
AND, I live with her.. (pray for me) LOLL....at least, for another month or 2 & since June as I've been gone 30 years & relocated home to be with her & help her & it's been awful at times & I've had to learn how to navigate this & take care of me.
So, it's leave them alone & let them live the rest of life that is easy for them the way THEY like.:/
And, take care of yourself!
I wish you all the best! ;-)
so leave unsaid for a while
let the waters calm
after a while maybe try to arrange for a visitor in the house- someone she knows for a short visit to rejoin the world
make it a short visit and don’t push but maybe something she likes like a nice slice of cake
then leave it fur her to digest
maybe she will ask for. Repeat day?
and maybe she won’t - maybe she enjoys her own company now - in which case try and arrange a film to watch together
without pressure
my dad went thru a stage like this Altho didn’t talk negative
I said he was becoming a recluse - it was painstaking but we got him into the garden and sitting saying hello to neighbours - he still prefers his own space and sometimes you need to accept that - good luck
Also, it's always smart to question our own assumptions — in this case, you're assuming she's unhappy. But I'm sensing this is based on your own measuring stick of "happiness." Despite what you relayed, I'm not 100% sensing that she's unhappy. She just has a limited life that includes some negativity, but ironically that doesn't necessarily mean she's unhappy.
What I've learned in going through my own mom's process is that there's a lot to accept in terms of letting go (for me), all of which leads of course to the ultimate letting go. Like you, I want my mom to be happy, and I want to fix what seems to trouble her. But I can only do what I can do, which is actually only what she'll allow. It very difficult, so I certainly sympathize with you. All that matters is that you try to step outside of your own perspective and expectations and assumptions, and see this through her lens. If she doesn't tell you what she wants in words, she will in actions. So listen. And then, again, meet her where you two overlap.
1. Older people find so much of life is simply wearing. The brain loses its ability to sort out incoming info - from the eyes, ears, skin, and feels so confused. It takes a lot of energy to deal with things that are different from normal, too loud, too much, overwhelming…If she does not want to go, leave her alone and accept she knows what she wants. Going on her own does not require dealing with another person when she has had enough.
2. She is not you. Allow her the independence to make her own decisions, do what she wants. This is not about you. Her negativity might be because she has pain she is unaware of, or because her body is just not working well.
I am a full time caregiver for my dad (84) and I had the exact situation
I knew we didn’t have much time left before he was immobile and I wanted to take him to all his favorite places and see all his favorite people because that’s what I thought he wanted, but he didnt
I asked him “ what do you want to do with the time you have left? Travel? Friends? Gatherings? “
All he said was “I am doing what I want “
So all he does is sit in front of the tv in his comfy chair and I have to respect that because he had a very busy life and this is his journey, not mine
Dont feel bad about your mom, she may be doing exactly what makes her happiest right now
Good luck
So what is different now that you did not handle for your personal well being? Ignore, defect, give her time should be some of your tools. my mom and I were 2 different personalities. She was always "poor me" and I was not. I did not coddle her. When it was time and she could np longer be safe she went to IL then to MC as she aged
Your mom rather isolate. My 85 year old mother has Dementia and has vision issues too. I don't push my mom anymore. Some people feel better being alone.
As I get older, I feel better isolated myself. It's a scary world out there.
A Hospice nurse told me it's common for some people to become withdrawn and isolated towards the end of their last year. Please don't force your mom out. She lived her life.
As a cancer survivor - Big congratulations !! 🎉 - the last thing that you need is to become angry and frustrated with anyone who refuses to do what you want them to do.
Your mother isn't you. If she wants to be negative, then let her have her way. YOU go forward and live every day with joy.
* Listening to her
* Reflective Active listening (reflect her words back to her)
* Cease wanting her to be 'like you' with your awareness, sensitive, appreciation for life (when a person is depressed, overwhelmed, not feeling well - their head isn't into 'enjoying life.' they are stuck in mental anguish, which is what depression is.
* She may be more inclined to go out / do things with you (as you say she does go off on her own) if you let her be as she is - respect her where and for who she is (she feels 'you' / this intention (you have of how she should be) - even if she doesn't express this to you).
I would encourage you to relax and if you are met with negativity, 'work' with that. Be there with her with the negativity as this is where she is.
- Never try to change her (it back fires and is not helpful).
---- Listen.
---- Be present.
This is how you support her. Create a comfortable one-on-one with her, with and for her, not for you.
Yes, you fought hard to live and congratulations on what you've done for yourself. It is a huge accomplishment.
You 'handle' her by being present and acceptant of who she is and where she is inside herself. Take baby steps (starts with sitting with her ... holding her hand, looking into her eyes ... being present).
- As you say "she has never been a positive type of person..." so I question why you are expecting her to be more positive now, at age 84?
I believe the answer is:
You are projecting how you feel about your life on to her - she will resist you (as she is). No one wants to be pressured or pushed or given (another's) life agenda, no matter how well intention(ed) a person (you) is.
- If she wants to talk about illness, let her. Explore these feelings with her.
Do not discount them. She is 'trying' to tell you who she is and where she is in her head / brain. Listen.
If you think there are physical issues and/or medicaton needs, talk to her health care professional.
Of course you want her to say "yes" - who wouldn't? Who doesn't want others to fully enjoy their own life (well, most of us would want that for others). However, you can't force a 'yes' -
As you know, life is / can be very hard and challenging.
Inch into going out, socializing, etc.
- The key is the quality of / being in the moment.
- Not pushing or rushing through it.
- The way to change is by being present with where we are now ... and making a decision to move past that ... she may or may NOT be able to do that.
Don't expect her to. Be cognizant to accept what is, love her for who and how she is. She may not be able to be the person you want her to be ... or enjoy her life as you wish / want her to. I know you are well intentioned.
Try to relax and be present. Smile, look in her eyes, tell her you love her and want to know how she feels. Then listen.
Gena / Touch Matters
It sounds as if she IS doing the things she wants in life, and maybe she just doesn't want to do them with you. Is she an introvert? I am, and I like going places on my own, so I don't have to make small talk or listen to someone else's problems or change our plans to accommodate the other person.
When you go out to eat with mom, do you also run errands, and sound rushed because you have a busy schedule, or incessantly talk about things she's not interested in?
Maybe she just doesn't want to have to get dressed and put on her public face.
Try offering to take a drive. Drive downtown and look at the sights, the people, the shops, parks, etc. She can observe the life around her without having to interact, safely and comfortably from the car, in her comfy clothes and slippers.
Let her be. Continue offering to do something with her. Or suggest something she could do on her own she might enjoy. If she declines, leave it at that.
She doesn't want to. That's all right. You have done what you can do to encourage her. Continuing to harp on it will not make it sound more appealing.
The point is, vision loss in the elderly must always be addressed. Otherwise they can't move around, can't read, watch TV, do any crafts, interact socially or do any of the things that might otherwise fill a day productively.
When she talks about illness, tell her a story about someone else (make it up if you have to) who is going through something much worse and then tell her - isn't that horrible...glad we aren't dealing with that - etc.
She's probably just in a rut. Used to doing what she's doing. Leaving the house is an effort.
It may well be that she is only this way with you and not other people. Many times an adult child is a 'trigger' for an elderly parent's negativity, complaining, and miserable behavior in general. When their adult child is not around, they're fine. Even pleasant.
Does your mother have friends who she talks to? You say she goes off on her own, so she's doing what she wants. Don't push it. Do as suggested and bring a take-out meal to share instead of going to lunch. I she starts up with the negativity, complaining, and misery spreading nip that in the bud right quick. Tell her that you do not want to talk about her health problems or listen to her complain and if she cannot refrain from this, you will not visit her anymore.
This is what I've had to do with my mother. I was her caregiver but also her trigger for the gloom and doom, the misery, and the "performances" (staged health incidents for attention). When I stopped accepting tickets to that show, the performances died down. I don'y tolerate her negativity anymore and she knows if she starts up, I will leave and stay away.