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She's fallen three times in two weeks. I also cannot for the life of me get her regulated. She just won't crap until I give her the correctol. Nothing else is working. So, I end up with a nightmare of s&*%T every three days. I cannot handle this any longer. I can see now that it is time for both of us to part ways....it's the safest thing to do. I just don't know how to get her out of here TODAY!!! It sounds so bad to want her out....but, I am ready.

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Oh yes, it sounds like it is time. Your information doesn't say who this person is, but sounds like she is not related. Try giving a call to social services, or a senior help line, welfare services or any other place you can think of. Someone might be able to tell you what to do. Hang in there!
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She's my aunt. I talked with my cousin and she suggested I call for some help toileting her, showering her, etc. and maybe provide me with some respite. I would rather that than put her in a home. I can handle every aspect but the every three day crap storm. If I could just get help daily with that, I would be a-okay with having her here. No one else in our family wants anything to do with her because she was such an arrogant know it all in her day. So, I'm it and fine if I can get help through Medicaid...she has part a and part b. Will that pay for this? She has just her SS check of $1,100 and that's it...a retired teacher.
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No one coming into the home, is going to want to deal with the bowel problem. And your aunt may not let them, anyway.

My mother is in a NH and it has been good for her. She also had bowel problems, which a good diet, walking and seeing a doctor has helped.

At the rate you are going, your aunt will out live you. That is why mother (96) is in a NH. She outlived my sister, who was caring for her. She died suddenly, just days before turning 70.

Where does your aunt go, if you are no longer there? It seems like you need to make some long term plans.
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4Grandys, you need to find a social worker. Not sure what state you are in but do a search for elder care and social work in your area. You want to find a social worker that is working for the state, not a private outfit. (I learned that the hard way.) Be clear that you need to discuss finances and services. Not sure if you hold DPOA but I hope so. It will be important. Once I found the proper social worker I found out that my mother was eligible for 7 hours of care a week, and that was just based on income, for a modest copay of $63/month (in MA). And my mom gets more SS per month than your aunt. They also started that without any look at her bank accounts. So perhaps your aunt might be eligible for some sort of homemaker/home health visits. Finding a good social worker is a good first step to help you navigate your state's system and review what medicare will help with and what you may need to do to qualify for medicaid. Be sure to ask plenty of questions. Also some home health aids will deal with the toileting issues. Our caretaker, through an agency, works with my mother on toileting and will change her if needed and make sure she is clean and dry before she leaves. And she's been very helpful with good suggestions. I'm sure experiences vary but make certain to state that you need help particularly in this area. Let us know how it goes. Good luck to you.
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4Grandys you are a good person to take on what no other member of your family would do, but Chicago1954 is right. She will probably outlive you if you continue. Get her someplace else while the getting is good. It will only get worse, not better as time goes on. An aide is only temporary help, and you have to be there the whole rest of the time. Get social services, anyone and get her moved. I will cite what has happened to my family. Mom was in independent living but my sister and I were doing everything for her. We moved her 2 months ago to AL. It was a humungous job moving furniture, possessions, etc. My sister's husband has a brain tumor, she is now usually unavailable to help or even visit. Four days ago I fell and broke my ankle and now I am helpless. Can you imagine what would have happened to Mom if she had still been in IL? That can happen to you and your aunt. Things happen that you don't plan. Point being - get her somewhere where she will get care because if you are not able to be there, there what happens to her then?
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I'm not underestimating the poo problem, but from the emergency point of view the falls are the bigger worry - what's causing them, do you know?
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Take her to a local hospital for severe constipation. Leave the ER and when they call you to come get her tell the hospital social worker that you cannot bring her back home with you. It's easier for nursing home placement from a hospital as opposed to your home. Let her go, my friend.
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Get the PCP involved...they can order the needed tests to determine why the falling and a plan for the BM regulation. A three day stay in the hospital and then placement in a skilled facility for rehab, will give you a chance to figure this out. but need that 3 day hospital stay. first 20 days 100% in Skilled facility. next 79 days are 80%. She needs to be on medicaid and long term care probably. But everything starts with her medical doc and her medical condition.

You are doing a good job.
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The 3 days in a hospital won't happen. They will do blood work, urinalysis and a CT of the head for her falls and if they find nothing they will send her home. This is your chance to tell the hospital SW that you can no longer take care of her and have ger placed.
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Thanks much to all of you who have taken the time to support me. It means the world to have this forum. Otherwise, I am alone in this. I am taking her to her doctor this afternoon and was going to ask for a recommendation for some in home services, but I feel after reading these comments, that I should just take her to the ER and leave her. My heart is aching, but I know it's time because I now admit I can't handle this anymore. I'm in my 60th year and have COPD....this is causing me much anxiety.
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4Grandys, please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.
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I will. Thank you. Your support means everything to me. I'm going to take her to the doctor today and see what happens.
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I took my aunt to the doctor on Thursday. They took three vials of blood and ran some tests. The next day they called and told me her blood work came out looking good and tests were negative for anything. Her liver and kidneys are functioning properly they told me. So, now the doctor wants me to have her get a CT scan of the pelvis, chest and stomach to see if she has any tumors that are causing the weight loss. She lost 10 pounds since last June. Well, my one month shy of 85 aunt weighs 85 lbs. She has no pain. The female doctor felt her stomach area several times. She felt nothing. Plus, in the event the scan did show something, my aunt would not agree to being opened up to have it removed and I don't believe she could even survive an operation like that anyway. So, I'm not taking her to get the CT scan. What's the point? The doctor says to me, "Well, I'm afraid she might have cancer." What if she does? Are we going to risk killing her on the op table so they can attempt at giving her ten more years of a shitty life with AD? I just don't get the doc's position...is it a liability thing?
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The doctor is required by law (and oath) to advise and inform you of possible diagnosis and options. You don't have to do what he suggests. He has exercised his legal obligation. If she were a child, that would be different, but as you point out, she is probably dying anyway and not in any condition to go through surgery. In your place, given the circumstances, it sounds like you are making the right decision. At 85 years old and 85 pounds, what chance does she have of surviving surgery and probably radiation and chemo even if it is cancer. Not to mention what it would put you through for something that you know won't end well for her or you. Have you made any headway in getting her moved to a nursing home or AL? If she does have cancer, it is going to be more difficult for you every day if you don't get her moved. Our mother is constantly complaining of a catarac but we will not let her have surgery for many reasons: she backed out of surgery 10 years ago - made a huge crying fuss; she is 100 and it is risky; she has dementia and is not mentally capable of dealing with preparation, pain, or anything else and there is no way to stop her from taking off bandages, rubbing her eye, etc - even in AL they can't watch and monitor her 24/7. One thing you said is really true - why risk killing her on the table so they can attempt at giving her 10 more years of misery. Key word here - attempt
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AmyGrace, your answer is most certainly appreciated. My aunt is in no pain and very, very happy. She smiles and laughs all of the time. She eats everything I put in front of her. Now, as for the chronic constipation, I am trying a new route and would like for anyone that has advice to please chime in. While at work today, my husband met a woman in scrubs...a nurse, I think. He relayed our problems with the constipation and she said her father had the same thing and she began to give him Magnesium and all is well. I went and bought some and along with 800mg's per day and see what happens. She gives her dad 1000mg's. And, I gave her the serving size of five prunes with her lunch today. She loves them! But, as it is, she has not had a bowel movement now since early Friday morning. Ugh. Is it normal for an elder to go a week before they can eliminate waste? I would never allow her to go any longer than that. I also spoke with my SIL who has been an ER nurse for ten years now. She absolutely agrees with my decision not to get the CT scan and supply the doc with the stool test. "Ridiculous!". We do know that the doc has to provide what CAN be done. If I can get her regulated, all will be good to go and she need not live outside our home. That is my goal.
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Well, i would get the scan. Because if she's got life limiting cancer, she'd be eligible for Hospice services. Is it poosible she's got a tumor that is blocking her elimination? I agree with the no treatment, but i think there may be facts you want to know.
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Babalou makes a good point about the scan, that there might be things you need to know and can maybe get some help based on that. That's sad she can't eliminate, especially since the doctor can't feel anything. It doesn't seem to make much sense. You would think a blockage could be felt as a large lump in someone so skinny! What a lovely person she must be - to be happy and smiling and laughing. No wonder you care so much for her! I would have been willing to care for my mother if only she was even a little bit nice to us, or said something positive once a day or if she would smile! Good luck. I hope you are able to make her days happy but get some help for yourself - you must take care of yourself also!
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Glad to report that my aunt eliminated a good amount before bedtime last evening. I attribute it to the Magnesium and the five prunes (one serving per the package) I gave her for lunch. I quite giving her stool softeners or Correctol six days ago. For the past three days, I have been giving her doc. prescribed Miralax in her coffee in the a.m. But, yesterday I gave her just the Mag. and prunes. It seemed to work without giving her the runs. I checked on her at 6:30 this morning and she is clean! Whew. BTW, I do not believe my aunt has cancer. I believe her vegetarian lifestyle hasn't done her any good in old age. And, I don't believe she has any blockages because she has no problem eliminating with help. Why would anyone want to know about a tumor if it doesn't matter one way or the other?
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My mom would have a BM about every 4 to 5 days. She never went everyday. The reason the cat scan was suggested above was for you to be able to get the services of hospice. Hospice was a wonderful experience for me personally, took a lot of worry off my shoulders knowing the the nurse was coming every few days. If the doctor was suggesting an MRI, I would have to think twice about that but a cat scan is really not that invasive. I totally agree with you not to operate and/or treat any cancer if found but would definitely want to be eligible to have any and all Meds to keep my loved one comfortable . Enjoy your day, I know that a poop day was reason for celebrating!
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The doc referred us to hospice as part of her plan during our visit. The doc said hospice normally will not come into play, so to speak, unless the patient has just 6 mos. to live. I suppose the ct could show whether or not that be the case. I'll have to think about it after I speak with hospice and hear what they have to say. I'm curious, Patrice, what does the hospice nurse do for you three days a week? Is your elder terminal? Thank you.
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My mom went downhill for quickly and was only in Hospice for 2 weeks then passed. With my sister in law, they had someone come in for massages, help bathe her, etc. they ordered any extra equipment that you would need like s hospital bed, moving table, commodes, bed pads are some if the things I remember. When her pain increased she was just taking more of the pain meds she had but after talking to her about her pain, the nurse got on the phone with the doctor and they added another pain med for break thru pain. She felt she was not yet ready for morphine. If you have any question whatsoever hospice is there 24/7. I had a nurse leave my house at 4 one day and called them back at 11pm and a nurse was there in an hour. If you do not hit it off personality wise with one nurse you can always request another. If your doctor feels your aunt is ready for hospice you may not even need to follow thru with the cat scan. You will have to see what they say. Good luck, I know your job right now is not an easy one but in my opinion very rewarding 😊
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4Grandys I'm so glad this is working out for you without any dire circumstances. Thanks so much for keeping us posted. My best to you.
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I'll keep you nice peeps posted. I'm hoping day two goes well. No elimination this morn....ugh. But, I remain hopeful. Thanks so much for the input.
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Did you ever picture yourself giving people online updates about bodily functions?

Know that we understand and do care how you are doing! and we all are having discussions that I am sure we had not thought possible before...
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Glasshalffull, you just have to be careful that when "normal" people - outsiders who know nothing - ask after your loved one you don't forget yourself and give them the full low-down: they never know where to look.
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My mthr lives in a memory care personal care home. She's on hospice for cancer with a secondary diagnosis of late dementia. Hospice sends an aide over to her home to get her up, washed, changed, and dressed, and one to put her to bed every night. Once a week, a nurse comes by and talks to her and attempts to get her to let her feel her belly, and mthr denies any pain or problems. It's difficult for the nurse to know how she's progressing because mthr is covering up her symptoms, but the increasing confusion and inability to string words into sentences does show that she has gotten much worse since starting. The head nurse tells me that they will be able to see when she is having a hard time handling pain because they see it so much, and they will be able to keep her from suffering with meds, so that she can go when it's time.

I'm with you, I want her to go quickly and avoid the worst of dementia, but I also don't want her to suffer in pain from cancer. Mthr has gained weight since hospice started, loves the singers and art therapy classes, but still has declined mentally. Hospice is able to work with a good diagnosis and make the most of it. I would go for the scan, refuse treatment, and thus the loved one would be eligible for hospice care. It's completely free.
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You have received some GREAT advice from the great people on this site! I would go ahead with the scan to eliminate any concerns about cancer or a blockage and again as said before it may qualify her for hospice care. They have hospice homes that are lovely here, beautiful surroundings private rooms etc like a upscale hotel...as well as workers that come to your home.They will make her comfortable and help her in anyway she needs just not prolong her life -cpr, venilator etc....they will still give her the meds she needs.
On to the poo poo problem I assume you have tried Miralax and such. They really don't work too well if she has something more signifgant going on...talk to her doctors there are some new meds out now "Generlac" 10gm solution is one it is a liquid taken daily if needed that should help, or there are others as well again check with her doc.They are prescription but should be covered under her Medicare. The over the counter I have found just don't "doo" the job-pun intended- or you still have to wait several days and then a big mess!......blessings!
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This is why I love this site. So many caring, loving people, sharing their experiences and ideas to help others 😊
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