My Uncle is 93 years old, he is currently in the hospital with numerous health conditions, he needs to be on oxygen for life, can't walk. My cousins also all promised to take care of him if he becomes sick, They now are expecting my Mom who is 85 with health issues to drive 1 hour and stay with her weeks at a time with no hired help in the middle of a pandemic. My uncle is expecting her as well. My Mom agreed to it now.
I think this is outrageous and not right. He also has grown grandchildren who won't help. They are all weathly as well and have the means to take care of her with large houses.
The hospital will not release him if there's no one suitable to care for him at his house and they will place him in a nursing home. They will send social work to try and reason with his kids and will help set up homecare services for him. If he refuses they will call APS and they will put him in a nursing home. Too many times seniors will not allow "strangers" to come into the home to work for them because they want family. The answer to that is this. Either you work with the hired hired help, or you get placed in a nursing home.
Sorry, but there is something wrong mentally with a person who thinks his 80+ sister can care for him. Then not supply food or heat. I would have left if there was no heat. It could have caused hypothermia with Mom. And your cousins are SO wrong. Its not the responsibility of siblings to care for each other especially if they have children. I am 7 1/2 years older than my brother. I may take over chicken noodle soup but I am not physically taking care of him and not being appreciated for the effort.
Mom now knows how things would have been. Good for her sticking by her guns.
Then she was being pressured by my cousin to stay through Christmas which she said was impossibe and stuck with it, Cousin was upset, he picked Uncle from the hospital and brought him back to his home where he stayed 1 week with him, then he left my Mom came to visit.
Mom says Uncle was unappreciative, no heat on in 20 degree weather, my Mom had to wear her coat to bed because he refused to put the heat on, she also spent over $150 on groceries since he had no food. Uncle is wealthy, my Mom isn't. I felt this was intentional abuse, He also made digs at her through her visit.
His other son came over to take over from my Mom, he took no precautions for COVID after flying in from a high risk state,,My Mom left, now we're told Uncle is going to sons house to stay for 1 month. Not sure what will happen after that but my Mom made it clear she won't go back.
I have found myself named as discharge ride home (without even being asked). Another time noted as 'providing overnight supervision' again without permission.
I ensure the hospital has the true picture now. Better for all. Then they can make accurate discharge plans.
If this was my Mom, the decision would not be hers in this situation. The writing is on the wall. It will not work out. Not sure if I could be a nice to my cousins as 97 posted. My first words would have been "Are you nuts thinking my 85 yr old Mom can take care of a 93 yr old MAN and all that goes with it". 😁
Seriously, these folks have a supersized case of denial & magical thinking. Just bonkers!!
Talk your your Mother, with honesty.;
Warn her.
Let her decide.
Stand well back.
If she says no, call the hospital with her at your side & state she is NOT the discharge plan.
If she says yes... she must drive there herself (as you will have nothing to do with this crazy plan). Suggest she has a retreat plan or 'Granny dump' back to hospital will then fall on her.
I get she wants to care for her brother. Visiting him in a NH or Hospice setting is still caring.
Then block their numbers on moms phone.
I am with rearly real. I bet Mom thinks it is just cleaning and cooking. Is she aware diapers may be involved and cleaning him up. Giving him a bedbath. I am 71 and this would be hard for me to do. What if he soils the sheets. Does she have the strength to roll him and change the bedding. Ask Mom after explaining all this if she really feels she can do it. If she says no, then you be her voice. You call these cousins and ask them how they think an 85 year old, with her own health problems, is going to care for a 93 year old MAN who is not her husband. Tell them you have told your Mom what is involved in caring for her brother and you both agree that she cannot physically do it nor should they have asked it of her. If u make enemies so be it. They seem to be self-centered anyway.
If Mom says yes after this explanation, I would wonder if there is some cognitive decline. I would then take it upon myself to say, no your not Mom. There is no way you can do this and not effect your health and safety. I bet in the end, she will be glad u spoke up for her since she is passive. You do the calling at this point.
You may want to call the hospital and talk to a Social Worker and tell her the cousins plans for Dads care. Explain that Mom is 85 with problems of her own. That expecting her to be Uncles caregiver is releasing him unsafely. If they cannot set up care in the home, he will just have to gonto rehab.
Really, where are these peoples brains. If Dad is 93 they are in their 60/70s. If they don't want to do the care, how do they think an 85 yr old is going to do it. Poor Mom. My husband has an Aunt who would have said yes and she can just about move with her arthritis. Again, in this instance you have a right to step in.
Going through a day might help her to see that this is really more then any one person can handle and he really needs to go to rehabilitation to get as strong as possible.
I would be calling my cousins and uncle myself and telling them that he needs to go get as strong as possible with rehab before they ask your mom to take on the work of a village.
You need to advocate for your mom right now and protect her from this insane decision that your uncle and cousins have made. They can do what they want but only if it doesn't include her.
Call your cousins and tell them your mother cannot possibly care for her brother. No apology or explanation even needed.
Your cousins do not have to do the hands on caregiving.
They will hire someone because they will know that they aren’t able to take advantage of your mom.
Tell your mother that the situation is resolved and there is no need to be concerned because your cousins are going to hire qualified help or place him in a suitable facility.
By the way, your cousins have a lot of nerve expecting this from your mom!
He may qualify for Hospice care in the home, but other than a nurse coming once a week for 30 minutes and an aide coming twice a week to bathe him, the rest of his care would still fall on his children. Realistically his children need to be talking to the hospital social worker, about having him placed in a nursing facility. That is much easier done, when the person is still in the hospital, as Medicare will cover the facility when going right from the hospital, and if he has money, he should be able to be placed in a facility of his choice.