Is there a value of living with and taking care of a family member?

Yes, caregiving does have value.The exact value depends on how much care your gm needed, as well as where you live. Caregiving value can count a good bit when you are discussing things with the government or a lawyer, but it may not count at all when it comes to family. I can't predict what the outcome might be. Some family members might indicate that you are welcome to the property for no cost if you provide long-term care. Others may feel the opposite -- that you should pay full price because gm was letting you live with her for free. We can get a whole range of feelings from family members.

The main person who is important to negotiate with is your gm. It is her property as long as she is living. Do you know who she left it to in her will? I wondered if you want to buy the house now or after she passes. If you want to buy it now, you may want to work with a lawyer to sell your mother a life estate in the house, thus reducing its price to you. She would still own an interest in the house when she lived, but the house would be yours after she passed.

I hope someone comes along that understands these things better than I do. It may be a good option for you in making the house affordable.

Here are a few questions that come to mind.

How old is GM and what is her health like?

What does your wife feel about the situation?

Are you planning on having children at some point?

Where are GM's children?

I think you and your wife are sacrificing a lot. You two deserve your own privacy which is difficult at best in a small house. I do think privacy for a young couple is important as they work on their identity as a couple before they have children when that is possible.

My gram would really prefer to never go into a home, but if it's necessary then everyone is open to that. Other option would be the in home care. I would absolutly have to put an addition on the house, to keep staying here. I'm thinkin i'm looking at $50-75k for this addition. I would like to put a attached 2 car garage, with a laundry room on first floor and small kitchen maybe, master bedroom and bathroom above the garage attached to existing upstairs. I my wife and just need our own space, somewhere we can get away and it just be us, to relax and watch tv.

With the way the economy its been rough for my wife trying to line up a law job. She has her Master is Pshycology and can make good money with that, probably more then she can with the law degree(law field right now is just not paying much inless you know someone). Im a self employeed Tile Setter, I stay busy year round and make pretty decent money from it. My father does the same thing and my grandfather also was a tile setter. I enjoy what i do very much, and the last few years i really started getting into Hay Making on the Farm, but it's not really a money maker i just really enjoy it.

I'm hoping the Elderly Law Attorney will put light on the situation and work in my favor to justify a lower price on the farm. Hopfully it all pans out.

At 76, GM could live into her 90's. Do you want to be there that long? However, her mobility issues might place her in a home at some point. It sounds like some resentment is already developing after being there for 4 years. That very well may get worse over time and even sour the relationship between you and your wife.

Being under the same roof with GM makes it tough for her not to treat you like kids since it is her home and you are so much younger than her. She must have been very important in your childhood or basically raised you.

However, that it is really not fair for her to not have an adult-adult relationship with you two for you are adults. If you had your own place to live, it would be easier to set some boundaries with her.

What is the definition of a few years? It does not sound like you have that many years left.

What collateral do you have for a loan on a $250,000 farm? Are there good opportunities there for your wife to work as a lawyer?

I realize that I'm looking at this more from the perspective of your marriage and future family, but it sounds like you and your wife have some serious topics to discuss for you own sake. Somehow, there needs to be a balance here of what is good for GM and what is good for you as a young couple without either being thrown under the bus so to speak. I do feel like you are sacrificing too much and her own children are doing too little.

whitmerfarm: I agree with cmagnum, you are giving up a lot of years and privacy. If your gma's children are wanting you to pay full price for the farm, then move on with your lives and if you can afford to buy it when your grandmother passes on, then great.

I would caution you against promising that you will keep Grandma home for the rest of her live. That is a very kind and altruistic promise, but sometimes it can't be kept. If your grandmother falls and breaks a hip, ends up bedridden, has a stroke.....there is a never ending list of what ifs....and some of them will happen. Then what????

Your wife will want to get a job when she graduates. You are self-employed? What do you do and how will you expand your business over time? Does the farm produce an income?

You and your wife would like to have children within the next five years. You need your own roof over your head, for yourselves and the family you hope to have. You and your wife are building a life together, a family together and a future that needs to be solid if you are going to keep it together.

I can totally understand how lovely it would be to keep the acreage in the family and I think it makes sense that it be in the hands of young people who want to raise a family and improve the property. Nevertheless, you need to have some protections and a good reality check is due for your parents, aunts and uncles.

Here's what I would suggest. Please make it clear to all, including your grandmother that you will do your best to keep her in her home. Nevertheless, neither one of you is able to commit (at this time) to giving her 24 hour care if she is no longer able to do basic daily care for herself. You are able to say that you can help keep her home, but should she need around the clock care, additional help may be needed and that should be understood. Seriously, which one of you plans to do the 24/7 care taking, which could be required? If you have children, they will need care too.

Take a hard and realistic look at this and let your concerns be known. Make sure everyone knows that you want to do your best, but you can't sacrifice your marriage and future for the land. You need to build a home. You can't live in the little farmhouse. You are just starting out, you are not rich. Keeping Grandma home for the rest of her life could and most likely will require additional help.

Just some thoughts for you to consider. Oh, yes indeed, I think it would be good for you to be involved in meetings with attorneys. You are trying to make a decision as to your future. That means you have to be upfront and understand what you are getting into so you can decide if it works for you or not. Your aunt has POA, so it will eventually be up to her to make decisions. Again, you need some protections.

Good luck to you and your wife. I think it's great that you have had this time with your Grandmother and that she has been supportive of your futures. I'm sure their is a loving bond between you all. Yes, as long as you are in some way dependent on you, she may treat you as children. So now is the time to be a grown up and seriously consider the options. Take an honest look at the reality of your needs and others wants. Easier said than done, but I sure wish you the best.

Cattails.

Best advice you can get from cmagnum and cattails. Wise counsel, food for thought. Don't let Gma's adult children take advantage of you!!!
Bless you both. xo

whitmerfarm, it sounds to me that if you can hold up while taking care of your grandmother that this may be a good opportunity for you. It sounds like some prime land that you will enjoy. I have relatives who live on an aunt's land in Florida. They live in totally separate houses, so they are like neighbors. It works well for them. I hope the meeting with the lawyer will start things going in the direction that you want. Good luck and let us know what happens.

whitmerfarm: Thanks for your response. As Jessiebelle says, this could be a great opportunity for you. I think it would be appropriate for you AND your Grandmother to be at the meetings with the elder attorney. Your aunt may have POA, but as long as your Grandmother is of sound mind, your aunt is in no position to make decisions on her behalf. Good luck and keep us posted.

My gram is 76 years old. Just had a 2nd knee replacement and is recooping very slow. I wish they would of never had it done. She is now limited to a walker. My wife and I are all but 28 yrs old. We have never had a place to ourselves and it is starting to get to us. Fortuantly my wife has been in law school the last 3 years graduating this May, i'm self employeed and work the farm the rest of the time.Roughly farm is worth 250k, i would love to be able to get the farm for a decent amount to afford to put a decent size addition on the house so we can have some space. It's just hard to tell what we can afford with the economy and my wife. I feel my grams 3 kids should not be the ones determening the price... i mean it is my grams place and she is defently in sound mind if those my one aunt just recently got a POA. They are setting up an appt w/ and elderly law attorney this week. I feel we should all be present every meeting.

Well within the next 5 years i'd prefer to have kids.