My husband is his mother's sole caregiver with no other family to assist with her needs. I can go into greater detail about our family situation if it will help anyone to answer this question, but the short version is that my father-in-law passed away 4 years ago and she has just never been the same. She immediately started to show some cognitive decline and has gotten steadily worse. Even though her and my husband have never had anything but a wonderful relationship, she has gotten very verbally abusive. Tells him he hasn't been home and visited her for months (he goes there every day) and that she knows he wants her out of his life. She calls us every evening on an average of 8 times and he answers every time even though he knows more then likely she is not going to be very nice. It's bad enough that this is happening so often, but we have recently found out that she is telling all of her friends and family these things as well. He isn't worried that they believe her, but he is heartbroken by her treatment and I just don't know how to help him any more. If anyone knows of any way to help, I would be very greatful.
You will need to gently explain to her that you will speak to her twice a day, morning and evening. Do not answer other calls; be certain she understands how to use 911 for emergency. A daily visit may not always be a good thing, as well. If she requires daily care then it is likely that she is now requiring 24/7 care and time to consider ALF for her. She may actually be better with more people around, and with her son handling finances. It was the case for my brother that removal of the burdens of daily living and finances allowed him to actually IMPROVE mentally, due to just the lifting of a lot of anxiety. And anxiety, coupled with the failure in mentation, may be playing together in you MIL case with the loss of her husband.
Educating yourselves on dementia will help her son know that this is not his mom speaking; the sad thing here is that we lose those we love while they remain right there with us.
Next, has she ever had a cognitive assessment to rule out dementia?
Whether she has dementia or not, the best way to respond to inappropriate comments is to say something calm like “I’m sorry you feel that way” then quickly change the subject to something she likes to talk about.
I also will say, your MIL was probably showing signs before FILs death, he was just covering for her. Dementia does not come on immediately, its a gradual thing. His death may have accelerated her symptoms. My Mom became hard to reason with in the early stage. (She would believe a neurologically challenged 18 yr old (mentally younger) over me) She forgot how to take care of her check book. Overwhelmed easily. I had a very simple cell. Worked like her cordless. When it rang u pushed the button. When done the call you pushed the button. She never mastered it, Eventually she couldn't use the phone or a remote.
Your MIL is obviously suffering from some type of dementia which is not 'normal aging' at all, but something entirely different. DH should not be 'heartbroken' by her behavior; he needs to understand that her brain is broken and she's not trying to hurt him on purpose or out of spite. Once she gets properly diagnosed, then he will likely see the light and understand what's happening. Not that any of us 'like' what our demented elders have turned into, but at least we can logically understand WHY it's happening, you know?
Your MIL can be given a simple MoCa assessment exam in the doctor's office which will test her cognition skills on the spot. You'll get a baseline score to see where she's at right now, and you can go from there. She'll be asked to draw a clock showing 3 pm (for instance) on a blank sheet of paper, and this is to test her executive brain function. The EB function is like the conductor of the orchestra; if the conductor is impaired, the rest of the band hasn't a clue what to do. That's how it was explained to me, and it makes perfect sense. When my mother was asked to draw a clock back in 2016, she drew some sort of blob-like thing which didn't even come close to looking like a clock. Right then & there I knew she was cognitively impaired and my suspicions were right. Along with dementia comes some pretty drastic behavioral changes which aren't easy to deal with.......and that's putting it mildly. But my mom lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living place where she's well cared for and I don't have to deal with her histrionics 24/7. Thank God.
Wishing you the best of luck getting a REAL diagnosis for your MIL asap!