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My mother is 71 yrs old. She has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s, Diabetes type 2, Rheumatoid arthritis and osteopathic hypotension. I have had a visiting nurse group send aids to bath her, nurse to check vitals and a physical therapist to help her mobility. Every time she finds a way to convince them she doesn’t need them and they discharge her despite me expressing my concerns. Sure enough she goes back to not bathing, moving, or taking care of her health. When I try to talk to her she gets nasty or just yes me to death. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you resolve it? I work full time and it’s starting to affect my job.

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At age 71, your mother shouldn’t be living with you when it is not working out for either of you. Her health is bad and deteriorating, so is your life. This could easily go on for 20 years, even more. You want her behavior to change, but that doesn’t work. What alternatives have YOU considered – you say that your mother’s choice is to ‘watch television all day and make you wait on her’, but what do YOU think? If you have rejected alternatives, could you tell us why? I’m 73, and neither of my daughters would even consider this arrangement!
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A while back someone asked if they were enabling their Mom when they went to her house cleaned, did the dishes, etc. Mom was able to do them for herself but poster thought she was helping but Mom didn't look like she was happy about it. A reply to the post was, your not enabling your disabling. Your Mom needs to do as much for herself as she is physically able to do. You should not wait on her.

What I would do is find her an apt of her own. Senior apts are handicap accessible. There is low income and those subsidized by HUD. The HUD apts charge 30% of your income for rent. Low income she may able to get a voucher for. My disabled nephew does well on his own. But, he will never live with me because of his hygiene and he is a slob.

For transportation she can sign up for a Senior bus. They accommodate wheelchairs. Call your Office of Aging to see what resources they provide. Social Services maybe able to help you with housing.

Dementia and Parkinsons go hand in hand. IMO a person who won't bath has a mental problem. (which my nephew has) Your Mom probably has a neurologist so I would ask that she be tested cognitively.

I am not beyond threatening. I may tell Mom, my house my rules and if she can't abide by them, then a NH is in her future. Setting boundries is a good thing.
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Kliggirl, your Mom is dealing with a whole lot. Does she still live alone? How long has she has the Rheumatoid (have a family member with it; it is a beast) and how long the Parkinson's. Does she have any dementia at all?
I think the only thing I could think offhand is to let her be a bit more responsible for her own choices, given the absence of any of the things mentioned above paragraph. I don't think you will be able to micromanage her from afar, and may not even be able to were she living with you.
Is it getting close to a time when you think your Mom may need a more in-facility type of care? Have you tried talking with her about these issues?
Sometimes these things become a battle, and it is a who-wins situation. I would take the tact that a failure to keep moving would harm her so much that she could be looking at a in facility care situation earlier than she must otherwise.
I sure do wish you a lot of luck. A lot on her plate, and sounds like it is impacting you.
Do the aids have any suggestions for you?
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My mom lives with me. She puts on this whole “I am fine” act with the caregivers so that’s why the nurses discharge her from their service. I talk to them but nothing ever seems to stick. She recently fell and hit her head. My brother called 911 and she got nasty. She refused to go. Mom had no choice when she passed out. She is always trying to get out of doctor appointments. She smells so bad. I have a shower chair and handle bars for the toilet but she always makes excuses to shower. I am convinced she just wants me to wait on her while she watches television all day. She likes to call her out of state friends and carry on how she feels horrible just to get sympathy. She has no empathy anymore. She wouldn’t care if I lost my job.
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AlvaDeer Dec 2020
I would withdraw from the caring of her and be certain that she has the 911 number. If she is mentally clear there isn't a whole lot you can do about forcing baths or anything else. Participating is enabling her to chase everyone else away. Your being there is enabling her behavior. She is mentally competent and that gives you no real way to deal with any of this.
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Since having mom living with you is affecting your mental health and your job, it's time to be looking for an assisted living facility to place her in. There she will have folks who are used to people not wanting to bathe, and they will make sure she does, along with help with her medications and such.

You've tried helping her by taking her in your home, and as you can see, it's just not working out. You have to at this point, do what's best for you, as you have a lot more life ahead of you. Wishing you the best.
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JoAnn29 Dec 2020
Not everyone can afford an AL.
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Sounds like my diabetic husband. He refuses to change his ways in the least, and it makes me angry. I'm tired of being the mother of a 5-year-old who isn't going to grow up. Nothing I can do, however, short of leaving, and that is not an option right now.
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MargaretMcKen Dec 2020
I know this is a dreadful statement, but I'd be tempted to feed him as much sugar as possible and speed up the whole decline.
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