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My sister and I are heartbroken that we cannot seem to provide any love, comfort or just distraction for my mom when we visit. I am a nurse and feel I was good at handling her dementia until now.


As soon as my sister and I arrive to see her she starts trying to get up and get away from us. We try to distract her, change the subject, back off etc to no avail. This always progresses to her hitting and slapping us. She pulls hair, kicks, bites and has even closed fist punched me in the face. She swears, accuses us of stealing money, killing babies etc. we have talked to the staff for suggestions, tried different times of day, and different places to sit. There is not one shred of her personality left. She has over the years been on many medications but is a huge fall risk and we walk the line of safety verses over sedation.(last month she had 11 falls) I am not a cry baby but leave there in tears and just miss her so much. She will not let me hug or touch her affectionately in any way.


Does anyone have any experiences like this? I just want to love and comfort her but she hates me and I end up doing the opposite. Our relationship before dementia was exceptionally warm and loving.

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Chrissy I need to look this up and check my facts, but I *believe* this is a phase, and as a phase it will pass. Not leaving you with the lovely mother you knew, exactly, but not either continuing to torment both her and you like this. I'm so sorry.

How is she with the staff?
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She also gets violent with the staff but only occasionally and to a much lesser degree. Our visits seem to be a stimuli to frightening delusions.
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I think she loves you & thinks about you a lot. She probably has low emotional control due to the disease & has an overwhelming reaction towards seeing you mixed with a desperate need to tell you something isn't right which causes her to panic & act out. Try this-call her on the phone & let her release some of that tension while you talk about regular day to day things then ask if she'd like to see you & that you'd like to see her & you brought cookies (or a flower, or just a little something that will make her smile), stay on the phone & prepare her with telling her where you are-how far away & describe how soon it will be & when you are at her door & that you're going to be knocking & how happy you'll be to see her etc etc. Then the phone can just fall away when you hug her & you'll have to hang it up when you give her the little present & can visit. If she falls back into her habit & panics you might have to leave & say you'll be right back & then try the phone again if it worked. Maybe you can start a new habit this way. I'm not sure it will work but I hope so!
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Thank you Kelkel. We have surmised that we are a stimuli that misfires and brings her to a place where she knows something isn’t right. You said it very well in your response.
She is in a nursing home ( locked dementia unit) and is not capable of using the phone. She has zero interest in anything that she’s used to like. She doesn’t care about foods, flowers, clothes, books, cards, photos etc. we have tried it all.
i think I will try walking away for 5 or 10 minutes and starting over instead of fleeing and crying all the way home. Maybe sit quietly without talking.
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sudalu Apr 2019
I totally agree with Midkid. She's not your mother any longer. If your visits upset her to such an extreme extent, I think you should stop visiting. That doesn't mean you and your sister should stop being involved in her life, just not physically. If it is a phase, let her be the one to ask to see you when the phase ends.
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You're visiting for you, not her.

Hopefully this is just a phase and she will 'outgrow' it.

Check with staff regularly and see how she is doing. If your presence makes her rage, then stay away. It will only agitate her and make you sad.

She is safe and cared for. Sometimes, that's the best we can hope for. I'd stay away for the time being. Let your memories be the good ones, not the ones that are being created by mom being belligerent.
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Heather1976 Apr 2019
You are so right, but it is so hard.

I am giving myself a break from my mom. I feel really bad because I deactivated my VM on my phone so she'd stop calling me with blame and VM messages left on my phone. It was interupting my days at work and personal time.

I did over the weekend and still have not taken any more of her calls even though I see that she's called me. It felt like she was bullying me and I just couldn't take it anymore but I feel like really bad for doing it like this.

I am a total stressball about the whole situation.

My husband keeps telling me, she's in good hands. Let the home handle her for a bit...but dang it, it is so hard. She is safe and cared for, but the phone is beginning to be an issue.

Thank you for your time.
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My mum has gone through aggressive phases during her time with Alzheimer’s and I and the Nursing Home staff have at times been subjected to physical assault. These phases do pass and it gradually gets less. My mother never once hit me when I was growing up. I don’t think your mother hates you and your sister. I’m more of the opinion that she is being physically and verbally abusive because she is frustrated at her lot in life and doesn’t have the capacity or vocabulary to explain that to you. Delusions such as the stealing you mention are par for the course as well I’m afraid. It’s so upsetting to see your parent this way but Midkid58 is right. Try and let the good memories outweigh the bad ones and cutting your visits down a bit will help you and perhaps help her too. It did in my case. Good luck.
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It may not be a "phase." Sometimes the violent behavior lasts for a very long time, until the person finally moves into the end-stage of the disease where they are almost unresponsive.

I know this is not a popular view, but maybe it would be better if you don't visit her right now. Alternatively, the staff may need to put her on something like Ativan to calm the aggressive impulses. (That is what they needed to do with my late father.)
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LoopyLoo Apr 2019
Agreed... it will be better for you and your mother to not visit until something can be done for her.

It isn’t helping her right now if you visit... obviously it upsets her. And it definitely upsets you & sister. You don’t want to accrue any more memories of her like this. It has to be awful and I hope things change soon.
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Wow, reading through these have helped me in my situation quite a bit. I'm waiting for a diagnosis for my mother, and to get her treated for whatever is going on.

My mother was moved to a higher level of care because she become a risk for wandering and forgetfulness.

I am the only family member that has helped her through this process and try to be as loving and caring as possible.

She has become very hostile towards me, won't talk to me when I visit, etc.
Over the weekend, she got upset with me on the phone and got really nasty with me. I asked if she could not be so nasty to me and she replied, "I can be as nasty to you as I want because you are to blame for all of this." And then to top it off, hung up on me and wouldn't take my calls. I was so upset but I've spent a lifetime of her manipulating me into getting what she wants with this behavior.
Dealing with her on this capacity, I had to start standing up for myself as I work through this and she doesn't like it. I've learned a lot about Borderline Personality Disorder and from all that I've read about it, it seems spot on for her.

She is in a safe place where the staff are very attentive to her and her needs. I've actually been told by them to basically step back and let them do their job (in a nice way).

After the last hang-up I was so furious and tired of her nasty calls and voicemails, I called my cell phone provider and asked that they disable my voicemail and have been avoiding her calls. I just can't take it, she's got me on the edge of a breakdown.
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LoopyLoo Apr 2019
From what I've read here, when people are already Borderline or Narcissistic, dementia amps it up x100. Such people are almost impossible to help even before the dementia seeps in.

Yes, take the steps back. Can always call the staff and ask about her.
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There is medication for this behaviour. Maybe she can be given it an hour or so before you visit.

You need to realize this is the desease and I think, her Dementia is known to cause aggressiveness. In her mind she may see you as the people who put her "there". The caregivers always get the brunt of everything. They get something in their minds and won't let go. I would cut down on visits maybe even back off for a while. You are not helping yourself or her. Agitation is not good for them.
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againx100 Apr 2019
I agree that meds could be an answer. I am NOT a person that takes meds or is generally in favor of them, but when people are being violent, regardless of the reason, I think it is reasonable to try to do something about it.
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If she has Lewy body dementia then the medications typically prescribed can have a danger affect on her unfortunately. They can make the behavior much much worse.. And if it is LBD, then this isn’t a phase that will pass. LBD is very unpredictable and behavioral changes come in waves. There will be periods of violent behavior and then it will subside and then come again out of nowhere.
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Keep your visits short, sweet, simple. Do not argue with her, do not disipline or anything else.

Read her a verse in the Bible, any verse. Just a few words.
Woman's day magazine has a weekly spot, positive story. Something about angels. It's been awhile since I picked one up and read it.

Just read something positive to her. If she starts screaming, tell her you love her and you will come back next week.

If she starts to try to get away from you, then that is your answer. Tell her you love her, and perhaps next week will be a better time to visit.

It's hard, very hard. My mom was nice, but she kept saying go home go home go home. That broke my heart.

So, just keep it simple and short. Read her a positive or fun short story.
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My mom just wanted to go home...The last time I talked to mom, I corrected her, I told that was not my name,,,

She never spoke again.
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I am so sorry that you and your sister are having to deal with this anger.

If your presence causes so much upset it might be time to take a break and see if she can settle in to her new home.

This disease just stinks. Hugs!
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Visit her because you know it is the right thing to do. Forgive her because you know she can’t control her actions. When she won’t hug you, make sure you hug someone later.

I have been there.

Some days will be good, others hard. Make sure to do nice little things along the way for yourself. Do nice things for your sister, and others in your Mom’s circle. They are suffering too. These hard times can make you closer. Doing nice little things for others (when you can’t for your mom) will bring you relief.
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Portmarly Apr 2019
And remember to do nice things for the caregivers on the front line with her every day.
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The only advice I have for you is to accept that this is going to be a difficult time for you. My mom was also in nursing home care. On some days she was happy to see me and on others she tried to hit or pinch me or would even scream at me as though I caused her illness. It was extremely painful for me because I was the only one in the family who looked after her. My mom passed two years ago and I’m not really over it yet. Somehow, I just kept reminding myself that I was doing the right things for her. I also accepted that she was really not in control of herself and did not really intend to hurt me. I spent most of my life trying to please my mother but also felt like I never really succeeded in that. Nevertheless, I know that I watched over her carefully when she became elderly and provided absolutely everything that she needed while she was at home, at the nursing home, or in the hospital. So, although I miss her, I don’t have any regrets about how I cared for her. I know there were times when I made her happy and I know that there were times when she was incapable of expressing any appreciation. I prayed to the Lord for the strength to continue looking after her in every possible way and for the wisdom to know what to do on a daily basis. She is in the Lord’s Care now and I am learning to be peaceful because I did all that I knew how to do at that time. I’m sorry that you are going through this. I know how sad and painful it can be. Every day is a new day. When you look back at this time of your life, I hope that you will find peace and relief.
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No experience but your story breaks my heart. This is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry. All I can offer is prayers. I hope you will find a solution soon for your family. Hugs!!!
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Everyone is correct who said to call to check on her. I don’t think I could bring myself to upset her or myself anymore unless things improve. Again, I am so sorry.
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Why don’t you and your sister treat yourselves to some time off?
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Bless your heart...I can' t imagine how broken-hearted you and your sister are enduring this. I know the fact that it is the LBD that's causing this behavior is of little consolation, when all you want to do is comfort her. I agree with some of the others who have responded, that perhaps you and your sister should take a break and just call to check on her for now, and to see if anything can be done medication wise to assist with this. You and your sister are in my prayers...
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Bless your heart...I can' t imagine how broken-hearted you and your sister are enduring this. I know the fact that it is the LBD that's causing this behavior is of little consolation, when all you want to do is comfort her. I agree with some of the others who have responded, that perhaps you and your sister should take a break and just call to check on her for now, and to see if anything can be done medication wise to assist with this. You and your sister are in my prayers...
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Your mom has dementia. I repeat, YOUR MOM HAS DEMENTIA. Think about that for a minute. This disease knows no bounds. It destroys the patient's brain. It leaves them with no trace of who they are or were as you are now learning. I would say, for now, stop visiting your mother. Her physical abuse of you is not wanted, nor needed. Go back and see her in about six months to gauge where her disease is at this late stage of the game. If she's still getting physical, then leave. And repeat the process all over again. Wait another six months and visit. She'll change again over time.
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NYDaughterInLaw Apr 2019
Poster is a nurse. She knows her mother has dementia. [No need to SHOUT it at her.]
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You are very lucky she’s in a facility & not home & have to be her primary caregiver like me. I discharged her from SNF 2 years ago & they warned me it gets much worse . I didn’t listen. Her Neurologist just says keep increasing Seroquel. She still gets agitated, hits, curses, pulls hair etc. Your so lucky you can just visit & leave when you want. Hugs 🤗
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Just wondering here.....
Do you and your sister go together?
Is the reaction the same if you go one at a time?
It is possible that she may feel "ganged up on" if there are 2 of you at the same time.
And depending on her Dementia she may be getting the 2 of you confused and this would be frustrating for her if that is the case.
If you try going on different days and the reaction is the same then it is the disease not your Mom that is reacting. If that is the case would it be possible even with her being a fall risk that you choose a time when she is in bed and the staff can medicate her prior to your visit so you can see her for a while then let her have a nap or if it is evening just let her sleep. I understand if this is a risk that you and the staff do not want to take but I have to imagine that she is probably like this with staff as well and I would think they have to do something before showers or a bath it would be to dangerous to take a fighting person into the shower area.
(Just another thought if she is not combative with staff next time you visit wear scrubs so you look like staff and see if you get a different reaction)
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NYDaughterInLaw Apr 2019
That's a good idea for poster to wear scrubs. Worth a try.
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My dad had LBD and suffered from changes in personality and behavior in the last two years of his life. It got so bad the Hospice staff held a conference with me to discuss the problem and were all considering requesting replacements for themselves! Care staff quit because of his behavior and the owner of the facility indicated that he would have to ask him to leave if the doctors couldn't find something to control his outbursts. We found that Lamotrigine (Lamictal) had sufficient mood stabilizing effect to make his behavior tolerable.

My dad was also a fall risk but the neurologist explained that unmanaged behavior posed an even higher risk to his ability to be housed and cared for. LBD patients can be problematic and many facilities won't take them if they have a reputation for difficult, and particularly combative behavior.

You may need to rethink your position on her medications and treat these interactions with her as a symptom that you need to get addressed on her behalf. Perhaps your own visits will improve as a result. Mine did, although irritability was always present.

One thing you can't successfully do is explain missing brain matter back into existence in your interactions with her. Others are correct that there is a level of acceptance incumbent on you because things will never be like they once were.

After my dad died, I spent 6 weeks dealing with infections because I was so run down from my severe stress. Others are also correct that to protect your own well-being you may have to take a break and manage her care from a distance.

Being a care manager for someone with dementia is as much an exercise in courage as it is in compassion. Sometimes you just have choose the best option from among unhappy choices because the good choices are no longer in play. It takes real personal fortitude to set your own desires aside and realize that your decisions for your mom's highest good sometimes will leave your own wishes unmet.

Wishing you strength and health through this tough journey.
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I'm so sorry that you're going thru this. What I'm hearing though, is that your very intent on providing love, care, and affection to her. It seems though, that truly you are the one needing to give it because it's your need...to receive it. If she is in a safe place, then you must seek to have your emotional needs met elsewhere. She can not give you what you need, whether it's the opportunity to give or receive. That disease in particular is a monster and may or may not continue to change moving forward.

I would encourage you to seek out a compassionate Hospice organization, interview them, and start immediately talking with the social worker and/or grief counselor/bereavement specialist. While, clinically, she may or may not be eligible for the service at this time, 99% of hospices will welcome you with open arms. Support groups often have other people who, too, are no longer capable of giving or receiving physical affection from a beloved parent... you may have multiple ways to give the care that is your intrinsic need.

Use a journal to write down all of the kind, loving moments and words from your Mother that you recall... from your entire life. Make that your time together. Tell her in your journal what you would do to ease her suffering and yours, because in the flesh you cannot. Tell her why you feel guilty... and then forgive yourself- if she knew and had the physical capability of processing that information, she would forgive you, too. You're not a bad person for taking care of so many others and now not being to care for her in the way that you want to. This is not your fault... and not hers either.

There's nothing you can do or could have done to stop the amyloid plaques in her brain from clustering. There's nothing you can do stop this horrible digression in its tracks. You can though, allow her to get thru her day without an episode like the one you described... that too, is caring. Merciful caring for both of you.
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The last two answers were amazing in their depth of both understanding and suggestions. You and your sister are no less good than you ever were, and the person that you are loving has no more ability to love back. Your peace of mind has to come from knowing that she is being taken care of by the staff wherever she is now.
I am (80), and have two longtime friends and one family member by marriage suffer from LB dementia. It is a particularly devastating disease because, at least in my (3) encounters with it, the extreme combativeness and downright meanness seems to be where that type of dementia ends up.
My wife has had Alzheimer’s for (9) years and while it is difficult, I have not had to deal with that extreme personality turn. We are blessed, but you must consider yourself blessed that you had your “real” mother for as long as you did. Miss and grieve her now because that is only human. But carry no grief or burdens forward. You both have been good and loving daughters. God bless! And, HE does!!
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My dear Chrissy56, your mother does not hate you and your sister, even though it may feel that way.

My mother, also, began exhibiting behavior like that toward me. I was her caregiver, and had to put her in AL, because I could not physically handle it. However, she treated the aides in her new home in the same manner.

One day, in anger, and desperation, while having a tantrum, my mother blurted out, "My back hurts!"

A couple months earlier, while my sitting on her bed, she had slipped off onto the floor, landing on her bottom. Since my dad couldn't get her up, paramedics were called. They brushed her off and said she was fine. In actuality, she had two compressed fractures in her lower lumbar. Of course, no one knew that, and continued with her in her usual routine, which was badly hurting her. She didn't have the verbal abilities to let us know the pain we were causing her! Perhaps your mother is in pain?

Whatever the reason, it could be that she is trying to express some discomfort, and is angry you aren't get it. I'll pray that you find her need.
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It is my wife, my buddy of 57 years.
I grieved for my mother in her years of infirmity.
This is many times that grief.
I relate to the movie '50 First Dates' only I get to court her 50 times a day.


She has bvFTD, not the same as FTD, not Alzheimers.
bvFTD is Behaviour Variant FrontoTemporal Dementia.

She became mean in 2006, at age 53. institutionalization was recommended.
I kept her home, kept her close.
In 2011, she became violent and forgot who I am, who she is.

Doctors administered Alzheimer's drugs which had adverse and permanent physical effect,

I am sitting here watching her. She has to be watched as she will suddenly get up and pace. She has no 'safety awareness and will bump into objects. I do not restrain, as she is enraged by restraint and the pacing prevents muscular atrophy and clotting

She used to attack if approached when there is any discomfort. constipation, headache, has to pee, or already did.


Life was hellish for several years.
Life has been good since we discovered cannabis in 2013, and I am so glad I kept her.


There is no recovery, no healing, no improvement possible with bvFTD,
Christy's doctor says that the Cannabis administered for her seizures probably calms the bvFTD chaos in her brain and allows her momentary connections with who she was.

The Christy I married is gone, but I love this person and enjoy my days with her.
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Isthisrealyreal Apr 2019
She is very blessed to have you for a spouse. Good job!
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These posts could have been written by me.
Today my visit was heartbreaking. When I got there she was crying. My mom has become so nasty towards me, saying I hate her so much I locked her in that place. She's in a beautiful retirement home with staff that treat her so lovingly. The staff tell me she participates in all the activities and is happy most of the time.
From reading these posts I don't know why but it seems to be me that triggers her to be so upset. I am the primary caregiver and used to visit 3-4 times a week. I've been having seizures so only go once a week when I can get a drive to see her. I don't know if me not being able to visit as often has upset her routine or if she thinks I've abandoned her.
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11 falls really and you haven’t decided to do something more proactive? That’s not love my friend. I’m sorry. And I do feel for you but you need to shake yourself and get a grip on the reality of your situation. Safety first, any affection second. And that includes safety for you as well. I know my clients neurologist wanted to try a new medication it was on trial a couple years ago for someone in your mothers situation. Keep hunting. But 11 falls - no. Like you said, she’s not there anymore. Grieve for losing her, and then treat her like someone who needs help that you don’t know. That’s the way it is. At least by the way you’re describing it. Truly, I feel for you. much love and hugs to you & your sister.
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