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I am so sorry that you and your sister are having to deal with this anger.

If your presence causes so much upset it might be time to take a break and see if she can settle in to her new home.

This disease just stinks. Hugs!
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My mom just wanted to go home...The last time I talked to mom, I corrected her, I told that was not my name,,,

She never spoke again.
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Keep your visits short, sweet, simple. Do not argue with her, do not disipline or anything else.

Read her a verse in the Bible, any verse. Just a few words.
Woman's day magazine has a weekly spot, positive story. Something about angels. It's been awhile since I picked one up and read it.

Just read something positive to her. If she starts screaming, tell her you love her and you will come back next week.

If she starts to try to get away from you, then that is your answer. Tell her you love her, and perhaps next week will be a better time to visit.

It's hard, very hard. My mom was nice, but she kept saying go home go home go home. That broke my heart.

So, just keep it simple and short. Read her a positive or fun short story.
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If she has Lewy body dementia then the medications typically prescribed can have a danger affect on her unfortunately. They can make the behavior much much worse.. And if it is LBD, then this isn’t a phase that will pass. LBD is very unpredictable and behavioral changes come in waves. There will be periods of violent behavior and then it will subside and then come again out of nowhere.
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There is medication for this behaviour. Maybe she can be given it an hour or so before you visit.

You need to realize this is the desease and I think, her Dementia is known to cause aggressiveness. In her mind she may see you as the people who put her "there". The caregivers always get the brunt of everything. They get something in their minds and won't let go. I would cut down on visits maybe even back off for a while. You are not helping yourself or her. Agitation is not good for them.
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againx100 Apr 2019
I agree that meds could be an answer. I am NOT a person that takes meds or is generally in favor of them, but when people are being violent, regardless of the reason, I think it is reasonable to try to do something about it.
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Wow, reading through these have helped me in my situation quite a bit. I'm waiting for a diagnosis for my mother, and to get her treated for whatever is going on.

My mother was moved to a higher level of care because she become a risk for wandering and forgetfulness.

I am the only family member that has helped her through this process and try to be as loving and caring as possible.

She has become very hostile towards me, won't talk to me when I visit, etc.
Over the weekend, she got upset with me on the phone and got really nasty with me. I asked if she could not be so nasty to me and she replied, "I can be as nasty to you as I want because you are to blame for all of this." And then to top it off, hung up on me and wouldn't take my calls. I was so upset but I've spent a lifetime of her manipulating me into getting what she wants with this behavior.
Dealing with her on this capacity, I had to start standing up for myself as I work through this and she doesn't like it. I've learned a lot about Borderline Personality Disorder and from all that I've read about it, it seems spot on for her.

She is in a safe place where the staff are very attentive to her and her needs. I've actually been told by them to basically step back and let them do their job (in a nice way).

After the last hang-up I was so furious and tired of her nasty calls and voicemails, I called my cell phone provider and asked that they disable my voicemail and have been avoiding her calls. I just can't take it, she's got me on the edge of a breakdown.
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LoopyLoo Apr 2019
From what I've read here, when people are already Borderline or Narcissistic, dementia amps it up x100. Such people are almost impossible to help even before the dementia seeps in.

Yes, take the steps back. Can always call the staff and ask about her.
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It may not be a "phase." Sometimes the violent behavior lasts for a very long time, until the person finally moves into the end-stage of the disease where they are almost unresponsive.

I know this is not a popular view, but maybe it would be better if you don't visit her right now. Alternatively, the staff may need to put her on something like Ativan to calm the aggressive impulses. (That is what they needed to do with my late father.)
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LoopyLoo Apr 2019
Agreed... it will be better for you and your mother to not visit until something can be done for her.

It isn’t helping her right now if you visit... obviously it upsets her. And it definitely upsets you & sister. You don’t want to accrue any more memories of her like this. It has to be awful and I hope things change soon.
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My mum has gone through aggressive phases during her time with Alzheimer’s and I and the Nursing Home staff have at times been subjected to physical assault. These phases do pass and it gradually gets less. My mother never once hit me when I was growing up. I don’t think your mother hates you and your sister. I’m more of the opinion that she is being physically and verbally abusive because she is frustrated at her lot in life and doesn’t have the capacity or vocabulary to explain that to you. Delusions such as the stealing you mention are par for the course as well I’m afraid. It’s so upsetting to see your parent this way but Midkid58 is right. Try and let the good memories outweigh the bad ones and cutting your visits down a bit will help you and perhaps help her too. It did in my case. Good luck.
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You're visiting for you, not her.

Hopefully this is just a phase and she will 'outgrow' it.

Check with staff regularly and see how she is doing. If your presence makes her rage, then stay away. It will only agitate her and make you sad.

She is safe and cared for. Sometimes, that's the best we can hope for. I'd stay away for the time being. Let your memories be the good ones, not the ones that are being created by mom being belligerent.
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Heather1976 Apr 2019
You are so right, but it is so hard.

I am giving myself a break from my mom. I feel really bad because I deactivated my VM on my phone so she'd stop calling me with blame and VM messages left on my phone. It was interupting my days at work and personal time.

I did over the weekend and still have not taken any more of her calls even though I see that she's called me. It felt like she was bullying me and I just couldn't take it anymore but I feel like really bad for doing it like this.

I am a total stressball about the whole situation.

My husband keeps telling me, she's in good hands. Let the home handle her for a bit...but dang it, it is so hard. She is safe and cared for, but the phone is beginning to be an issue.

Thank you for your time.
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Thank you Kelkel. We have surmised that we are a stimuli that misfires and brings her to a place where she knows something isn’t right. You said it very well in your response.
She is in a nursing home ( locked dementia unit) and is not capable of using the phone. She has zero interest in anything that she’s used to like. She doesn’t care about foods, flowers, clothes, books, cards, photos etc. we have tried it all.
i think I will try walking away for 5 or 10 minutes and starting over instead of fleeing and crying all the way home. Maybe sit quietly without talking.
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sudalu Apr 2019
I totally agree with Midkid. She's not your mother any longer. If your visits upset her to such an extreme extent, I think you should stop visiting. That doesn't mean you and your sister should stop being involved in her life, just not physically. If it is a phase, let her be the one to ask to see you when the phase ends.
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I think she loves you & thinks about you a lot. She probably has low emotional control due to the disease & has an overwhelming reaction towards seeing you mixed with a desperate need to tell you something isn't right which causes her to panic & act out. Try this-call her on the phone & let her release some of that tension while you talk about regular day to day things then ask if she'd like to see you & that you'd like to see her & you brought cookies (or a flower, or just a little something that will make her smile), stay on the phone & prepare her with telling her where you are-how far away & describe how soon it will be & when you are at her door & that you're going to be knocking & how happy you'll be to see her etc etc. Then the phone can just fall away when you hug her & you'll have to hang it up when you give her the little present & can visit. If she falls back into her habit & panics you might have to leave & say you'll be right back & then try the phone again if it worked. Maybe you can start a new habit this way. I'm not sure it will work but I hope so!
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She also gets violent with the staff but only occasionally and to a much lesser degree. Our visits seem to be a stimuli to frightening delusions.
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Chrissy I need to look this up and check my facts, but I *believe* this is a phase, and as a phase it will pass. Not leaving you with the lovely mother you knew, exactly, but not either continuing to torment both her and you like this. I'm so sorry.

How is she with the staff?
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