I can't care for my Mom (84) and I want my life and marriage back! Any advice?
My mom (84) has lived with me (60) and my wife (56) for the last 5 years She was living alone So I, being the good son I, moved her in. And my wife was her caregiver for all those 5 years. Up until last Thursday when i got a call at work that she had left me under the stress of 5 years of being told your stupid get me this get me that do this don't do that among other horrid things.
Me and my wife love each other deeply and our marriage will survive If i can just find a place for Mom.
Hello mother, goodbye me.Goodbye us and our marriage I don't even know this angry, frustrated, and burned out man I see in the mirror. I just want to have my life back without guilt. I am the the only son left my brother passed away Oct of last year
I don't like this person I've become. How can I be this bitter? My mom has always loved me. She's been a good mom. So how can I resent her so much?
She can still get around with a walker but she won't. She sits in her chair and refuses to do anything for herself. She wants me to serve her - period. She won't eat at the table, she wont go outside, she just sits in her chair and when I come home from work she expects me to wait on her
My marriage can be saved but i just don't know what to do with mom. Funds are only 915 a month that's it with blue cross/medicare. She cant get Medicaid because she is in my home and they go by household income.
This is all new to me and i am lost as to what to do She is in the hospital right now and i am trying to have her placed into a nursing home medicare will cover 3 months and i can apply for her Medicaid then because she will be out of the home.
But i am getting this sick feeling that they are going to release her back onto me ruining any chance to get my wife back and put our marriage back together. I am met at every turn with six to eight waiting lists at places she can afford to live on her own. help i am losing my sanity and my hope
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Sit down withe discharge planners at the hospital to find a good place that will take her for rehab now and as "Medicaid pending" for long term care.
Curious, what is she in the hospital for? Can you get a geriatric psychiatrist to see here while she's there.. treating her depression might make things easier for everyone.
Practice saying this in the mirror: "I am sorry but I am alone now and I have to work. I cannot take my mother back into my house." "My mother cannot return to our house. I cannot take care of her." "Yes, I love my mother but she cannot return to my house. I cannot take care of her." "I had been taking care of my mother so I know what it involves. She cannot return to my house." Even practice this and hope it never is needed: "I will not accept my mother back into my home, and I will not take her in if you send her in a taxi."
Practice many times until you can say it convincingly and without wavering. Bring a pal with you if necessary when talking to the discharge worker. You are NOT going to continue to care for your mother in your home. You may get pressure to do so "just until we work things out" or "as a loving son." Resist the pressure! (And you may not get pressure and the social worker may be very helpful. I don't mean to scare you but you must be prepared.)
The first step is to make sure that your mother is not coming back to your house.
I am glad to hear you think the marriage can be saved. But if it took FIVE YEARS of letting your mother abuse your wife and it took her actually leaving you before you believed this is serious, I suggest you have some very heavy-duty work to do to save the marriage. Maybe the first step would be to get some couple counseling to learn how to put the past behind you.
But don't even try to talk your wife into coming back until Mother's future residence is settled. Only when you can say with absolute assurance "Mother won't be living with us ever again," should you propose that wife moves back.
BTW, I am not suggesting abandoning your mother, and I'm pretty sure that isn't what Babalou means, either. When she is settled, visit her, call her, keep an eye on if she is getting good care, be her advocate. She is still your mother. But don't do this at the expense of your marriage. For heaven's sakes, don't spend all your free time at the nursing home! Whether you can save your marriage or not, you deserve a life of your own. Mother might live another 15 years or more. Do you want to wait until you are 75 to have an independent life? Clearly your wife is not going to wait any more at all.
jeannegibbs and Babalou have said it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please listen. to them.
It's very likely that before even attempting marriage counseling that the first thing to do after getting your mother properly discharged to somewhere other than your home that you get and work hard in some personal therapy.
This problem has been building for 5 years. and you almost sound surprised that she left. How long did you think that your wife was going to put up with being treated like your mom's slave? Sorry to say this, but not dealing with your mom's verbal abuse of your wife has been both putting honoring your mother ahead of honoring your wife and enabling your mom's abuse of your wife. Where's the love in that? If you put yourself in your wife's shoes, would you have stayed or stayed that long under those circumstances? I know I wouldn't.
I think that your if your wife wants her husband back, then she wants you back as her husband, but not as his mom's little boy and if she can't have that, she wants nothing more than peace.
You want your life back without any guilt? For what? Guilt for not being able to take care of a verbally abusive mom in your home via your wife dong all of the work? If you want your life and marriage back without any guilt, then meet with the discharge person and have her discharged somewhere other than home.
We have some idea of what your have been going through. We are caregivers, too, remember. But being sympathetic to you is not going to get the job done.
You need to meet with the discharge person and have her discharged somewhere other than your home. It is not your goal to have "them" understand you or sympathize with you, or tell you what a good person you are. It is your goal to get mother placed so she has suitable care. Your life matters, of course, but it may not seem to matter to the people you will have to deal with. Deal with them anyway. Take a pal if you are afraid you will weaken. Remember your goal. Forget about the rest of for now. Come back here when you have a place for her and we'll all tell you how good you did and how hard is was. We are not unsympathetic.
You, the loving son, moved your mother in with you 5 years ago. Did you think that was just a one-time gesture and you would never have to do anything hard connected with caring for your mother? Did you think, oh well, the wife can handle that and I'll be the good guy coming home to wait on her? Well, now is a time you have to do a very hard thing. And you are not getting much local support. "They" don't understand how hard it is or what this has done to your life. Pull up your big boy pants and do it.
Get your mother discharged to a suitable care place. THAT is your first goal. It is not sympathy for you, or the system's recognition of your life's value. Do what you have to do to reach that first goal.
Jeanne and CM are right. Practise saying, politely but firmly " no. My mother cannot return to my house. My wife has left me. There is no one there to care for her. I must work to support myself. Mother needs professio al care and 24/7 supervision and she can't get that at my house. Repeat this as often as you need to say it.
If they say something like " oh, you want to abandon your mom" look them straight in the eye and say i love my mother but i can no longer provide adequate care for her. This is hard but you can do it!
I am now 61 and have only just worked out that she's played the victim card all her life, and made my life a misery for a lot of the time by making me feel crucifyingly guilty. "You're all I've got" is the oft repeated mantra. CRAP. She has a fit husband, dozens of friends, the community from the church and she's not poor, but what she wants is me at her beck and call.
I've had a bit of rehearsal before the main event - and I'm hoping this has given me the strength to keep a hold of my life and to shut my ears to the subtle (and sometimes unsubtle) blackmail which I can foresee.
Listen to the VERY good advice that you've been given here; keep sharing, because knowing there are others who have or are experiencing similar problems to yourself does help; hang on to the truth that it's not you being selfish it's your mother, you have a RIGHT to your own life, free from the crucifying guilt.
Bon chance my friend, and stay strong.
I am not worried about my marriage ending.
I have used up all my personal time running to the ER for phatom reasons when my mother gets wind of a plan i have. CASE IN POINT.
I had an app for 4 pm on Wed. to take her to apply foir a place that provides three cooked meals a day lights heat cable and life alert for 829 a month With her knowing this @ 2 pm i get a call at work telling me my mother is in there cant breath. Another lie they could find nothing wrong with her so she told them that if they sent her home with me she would kill herself.
She did this to not go to this app for her own place and she has done it before to my wife. Everytime i get a plan in motion she kills it someway.
You need to talk to discharge planning about what is being recommended as her level of care when she is released. If she is released on medication, she will certainly need zomeone to make sure she is taking it.
When mom was younger, before she moved in with you, would she have wanted to be the cause of so much stress in your life? Most would not, but there are those that absolutely relish causing their grown children stress. You need to establish boundaries including you will not let your mother control you any longer through hurt she has caused your wife. A therapist can help you with that.
Also, I would not use the excuse of not being able to find a place for your mother because of work. File FMLA paperwork with your employer or tell the social worker at the facility to find a good place for mom with availability now! Your wife will not buy the I have to work excuse. You made a commitment to your wife now do everything you can to get her back. It probably will not happen over night.
Safe and cared for sounds more likely for your mother who has some serious problems.
Was you mom happy before she moved into your home? Was she ever happy in your home? What put your mother in a setting where nurses and social workers heard her say that she would kill herself? Has she ever acted like this before in her life that you recall?
Start with what mom needs, not how much she can afford
If she is deemed to require 24/7 supervision, you are not responsible for providing her with it or paying for it yourself. If you need to give guardianship over to the state of Michigan, so be it. You'll still be her loving son and you'll still visit.
1. Your wife has been a good soldier....she is doing this to save her own sanity and force you to "deal" with YOUR mother, who she has been stuck with in HER own home for 5 years. Ask for her forgiveness! Get down on your knees and tell her how important your marriage is. Then follow the advice above.
2. Tell the social worker at the rehab she goes into after the hospital that there is no way she can be cared for at home since you work and your wife has left because of caregiver burn out. Then find a place for her to go after rehab. Do not waver , do not weaken. She can go in as Medicaid pending.
3. Repeat step #1 and best wishes for you.!
Maybe you have tons of money to take time off i do not Thank you
Does your wife work? If not, andvifvyou ask very nicely, she might go and visit some of the sites that discharge is suggesting. I would not look on my own, only withvthe tecomendation from the discharge planners IF they are talking about discharge in the next few days.
One more thing. The hospital arranges transport to yhe facility site. You do not put mom in your car and transfer her yourself.
Don't be shy to ask for a supervisor and their manager, and the director, and on up until you get some help. The service level seems to be all over the place based on where you live.
The good ones I know are literally life savers. There are some out there who are surprised to learn the job actually requires effort and knowledge.