My mom (84) has lived with me (60) and my wife (56) for the last 5 years She was living alone So I, being the good son I, moved her in. And my wife was her caregiver for all those 5 years. Up until last Thursday when i got a call at work that she had left me under the stress of 5 years of being told your stupid get me this get me that do this don't do that among other horrid things.
Me and my wife love each other deeply and our marriage will survive If i can just find a place for Mom.
Hello mother, goodbye me.Goodbye us and our marriage I don't even know this angry, frustrated, and burned out man I see in the mirror. I just want to have my life back without guilt. I am the the only son left my brother passed away Oct of last year
I don't like this person I've become. How can I be this bitter? My mom has always loved me. She's been a good mom. So how can I resent her so much?
She can still get around with a walker but she won't. She sits in her chair and refuses to do anything for herself. She wants me to serve her - period. She won't eat at the table, she wont go outside, she just sits in her chair and when I come home from work she expects me to wait on her
My marriage can be saved but i just don't know what to do with mom. Funds are only 915 a month that's it with blue cross/medicare. She cant get Medicaid because she is in my home and they go by household income.
This is all new to me and i am lost as to what to do She is in the hospital right now and i am trying to have her placed into a nursing home medicare will cover 3 months and i can apply for her Medicaid then because she will be out of the home.
But i am getting this sick feeling that they are going to release her back onto me ruining any chance to get my wife back and put our marriage back together. I am met at every turn with six to eight waiting lists at places she can afford to live on her own. help i am losing my sanity and my hope
Plead for time. Reassure your wife that you have, QED, made her your number one priority. Keep the work (it *is* work) you do for your mother as far as you can away from the home environment, but don't fall into the trap of actually going behind your wife's back because there is a big trust issue here that you need to watch out for.
And, thinking about the strain all of this places on you, how are you? I think outside counselling or therapy is a good idea: you need someone looking out for you, too.
Practically speaking, I agree with finding a CPA, bookkeeper or someone to assist you maybe with some of this for your mom. Can you setup online bill pay for her bills and anything else like that? That would help. See what you can do to reduce the amount of time you have spend hands-on doing this for her.
And yes please find a good counselor, you guys need it but if she won't go I too echo that you go. You've suffered also and I know this breaks your heart. It's breaking my heart too. Once you have a plan to take some of this off your plate, write her a love letter laying it all there. Words are powerful and sometimes are internalized differently when it's written vs. spoken. Let her know you recognize the stress and that while you can't just abandon mom, tell what additional things you are doing to free up more time for her. Though she's hurting, I hope she can reach a point of forgiveness and slowly let the wounds dissolve and die. Is there someone you both trust and talk to that could offer support and perspective?
Please don't give up. Take it one day at a time. My heartfelt prayers.
Two bottom lines: your mom cannot ruin your marriage; yet your mom cannot manage without help. None of our moms can. Can someone else pick up the slack and help your mom?
As for the advice, I have said many times about professional help: what was I waiting for??????
For example, asking her can't we just move on from this point sounds rational, but she's likely not hearing that way. I'm not sure reminding her that mom no longer lives in the house helps for again it appeals to reason. From my own marriage experience, I know not to talk to my wife when she hurting about something like I'm talking to a man, but instead validate how she feels. She wants to know that she's really being heard.
What I think she's seeking emotionally is some validation of the pain she is expressing in these "pissed off" moments.
While it is not always possible to validate someone's conclusions, we can validate people's feelings. That will often de-escalate a situation.
You may want to read up from some online articles about validating people's emotions. A good therapist would be very helpful with this beyond just a book for life sounds like it's full of emotional triggers right now.
Also, what has she always loved to do or go to? Would it be possible to take he out on some dates focused on what those activities or places are? She came back which is great. She still hurting which is understandable. She's your wife and she never ceased being your girlfriend. So take her out of some loving, thoughtful dates that will help her feel special again, but make sure you can't be reached by mom on those dates.
Like everyone else has said, please find a trained marriage therapist. Call one up today and make an appointment.
I think she still loves you or she would not still be there. It's the toxic pain that is in the way from all of the abusive trauma of being in an emotional war or possibly feeling like she was a prisoner of an emotional war.
This is not going to be a short journey, but it is possible.
Love, prayers, and cyber hugs!
If her response is "nothing" when you ask what you can do, that's a pretty good clue that she's harboring and nurturing resentment rather than looking for solutions.
Sometimes people just get stuck in these anger ruts and it takes awhile for them to work themselves out, if they really want to. I'm not saying it's justified, but it's still there in her mind and still an issue.
I can't really offer any advice or suggestions because I haven't been in this situation, but do try to hang in there and be supportive as it may be that sooner or later your wife will get tired of being angry. It certainly isn't doing her any good to harbor this hostility.
Either her needs can be met with AT MOST, a once a day check in ( in addition to whatever ongoing bill paying etc you are doing which shouldn't require any interaction) or she is in need of a higher level of care. I guess it's also possible that she calls you more than once a day and you answer the phone. If you are doing that, STOP.
"Mom, if it's an emergency, call 911. If it's not an emergency, write it down on the list for when I visit on Sunday." You CAN and SHOULD giver her those instructions and establish those boundaries. Otherwise, your wife has ample reason to complain. Or your mom needs nursing home care.
Wanting everyone to be happy is laudable. But if you dont count yourself as one of the folks who is happy, at least some of the time, and if you can't learn to tolerate the fact that AT TIMES either your mom or your wife is going to be unhappy, well, your life is going to be very stressful indeed.
Your wife's happiness needs to reside within her. Right now, it sounds as though she is still angry, hurt snd smarting from the last 5 years, snd fearful that at any moment, she's going to be thrust back into the abusive and miserable situation she was in. 5 years, Dagan! And apparently you had no idea she was unhappy. That speaks yo really poor communication in your marriage, or maybe that you weren't paying much attention to the "unhappiness signals" that your wife was sending out.
You REALLY need some outside help in this. Your situation is not going to magically repair itself with a bouquet and a dinner out.
My father made my husband so disgusted and angry that my husband said he has divorced himself from my father and will no longer have any contact. He has not seen or talked to him since Feb. Luckily, we have not divorced and keep hanging on. Yes there has been damage from 30 years of meddling (7 years of dementia hell).
My suggestion is this..try the counseling. Allow your wife to divorce your mom. Make a point to never discuss your mom, her problems and the things you need to do for her with your wife. Compartmentalize it. Ask your wife if it is ok if you sit down and pay mom's bills and take care of her business 1 night a week or whatever it is. Do not expect her to do any errands, talk to her on the phone, etc. She is DONE. If you can negotiate for "scheduling" time to take care of your mom's business, it may be worth a try. That is what it took for me. Good luck to you. :)
You have a lot of damage control to do here, if you want to. Without therapeutic intervention, you and your wife are headed for rocky shoals as your mom age s and become more in need of your help. As we've all said, find a qualified marital therapist.
You forget I lived this along with my wife and I am able to move on and not let this consume my every waking moment I can move past this and try as I may have a normal life again what ever normal is?
Are you willing to change? A bunch of years ago, a therapist asked me that, in the presence of my abusive husband. I said no, and it made me realize that as much as I loved him, I wasn't prepared to fit into his warped (in my view) view of the world. We are both happily remarried
The kind of experiences we share about on here - they have the power to change us. I am a slightly better and wiser person than I was before my mom and dad lost their health. You kind of reintegrate and rebuild, because it does not quite go back to the innocence you had before... hugs and prayers, and I believe you can do this!
There's a lot that needs to be untangled here and that will take some time so don't expect this to happen soon. Be committed whether you think she is or not and see it through. And it won't be linear, consistent improvements. It will be a very bumpy road, filled with a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows but it can be overcome if you are steadfast and allow her time to recover and you as well.
I know I've been there. There have been a few times where I just mentally vacated my marriage and life due to unaddressed stress and anxiety over time, a problem I had much of my youth that I never really took head on. And it really became a huge problem that it shouldn't have....I should have gotten the counsel I knew I needed but was too proud and in denial to do it and almost lost my marriage. If I had been my hub I would have left and told him he should leave many times and start over. He was so young. But he didn't. He was 'all in' and told me he was going to see it through and God showed me a love and grace through that man I've never experienced and am so grateful for.
It took me roughly two years or more to really work through it in a way that would be long lasting. It wasn't pretty. I hope this doesn't discourage you, but I hope it encourages you to take the steps that are necessary to move forward. The longer you wait and she waits, the longer this goes on and the harder to solve.
You did what your wife wanted, why isn't it all back the way it was before your Mum. You lived alongside your wife through this and you've moved on.
Dagan the telling words are " You lived alongside your wife" that's 100% different from being your wife living it. Your relationship with Mum is a Son not a DIL very, very different dynamics. Your Mother has an expectation of a level of loyalty/behaviour from you as her Son, but equally your wife has her own expectation of a level of loyalty/behaviour from you as her husband. You to have your own expectation of a level of loyalty/behaviour from them as Mother/Wife. Can you begin to see that living an experience alongside someone won't guarantee that everyone can or will emerge in the same place?
Your wife loved you and believed in you and your marriage enough to return, Do you love her and believe enough in your marriage enough to go forward to a new, brighter future instead of demanding the clock turn back? Even if the whole debacle with your Mum had not happened your wife would not have remained the woman you married, just as you are not the man she married. We all change as we age, as we deal with life's experiences. It's up to individuals to decide if they want to grow together or drift apart. Your wife has made her views clear, she wants to stay and grow old with you. Do you want to stay and grow old with her? Accepting the changes that will come, some subtle, some huge? You've been through a rough time in your own right and your hurt feelings need to be acknowledged too and have time to soothe, but don't let this blow you both apart again. Please get intervention, personally I think you both need support individually and together in couple counselling. Heal yourselves and heal each other. Good luck.