We don't have the "official" diagnosis yet, but I can tell you that his AL director believes he has early dementia and he's going for further tests with the neurologist.
Background: he lives in AL very close to me, I moved him down after a range of health issues meant he couldn't live on his own. Sibling is in another state and is one of those people who doesn't call, doesn't pay attention, then all of a sudden decides that I'm screwing up and she has to make All the Decisions Right Now Because Ugh, Everyone Else is A Moron. (I'm sure some people can relate)
But the biggest problem is that she will not accept his mental decline. She's almost worse than he is about it (and he won't accept it either, but that's another issue). It's — medication they gave him. It's — he's always been absent-minded. It's — ugh old people and computers, am I right?
The biggest problems are that when she talks to him — which is once a week, if that — she believes everything he says about the AL, about me, about my family, and how we are failing him. Which both reinforces his paranoia, which is a big element of his dementia, and puts me in the worst possible light! I had to have a whole meeting with the AL director because he told my sibling I was "preventing him from accessing his money" and she called them. (Real story? He forgot his Amazon.com password and was convinced I had canceled his debit card. Luckily, the AL director didn't believe it at ALL, but wanted to meet to talk about it anyway.)
So far my big thing is to tell him to call my sibling more, because I think the more calls she gets, the more she'll realize what's going on. But ugh. And no, she won't listen to me about this — she says "stop telling me terrible things about Dad" and acts like I'm a horrible person for even suggesting he has dementia.
Armchair critics are the absolute worst. They have All The Answers about what we're doing wrong while they're sitting on their arses in their armchairs doing bupkus.
Let sissy's calls go directly to voicemail. Record a few of dad's meltdowns and save them for her listening pleasure for a future date when she brings up the Nothing Is Wrong With Daddy spiel. And send her a copy of dad's diagnosis and MoCA test scores when they become available, like Alva suggested. Tucked into a Thank You note for all her support and long distance help all this time 😑
Good luck!
:)
i bet, you are doing your best, and more.
obviously, i don't know your sister at all.
these are just guesses:
--some siblings play dumb on purpose. why? what do they get out of it? (1) if your Dad is ok, that means there aren't any problems to fix. great! (2) if your sister anyway didn't/doesn't have a nice relationship with you, she might actually want you to get into trouble. by believing (playing dumb) every word your Dad says, and telling AL, she gets you into trouble.
--a sibling who really, truly is in denial about their parent's health? do they exist? they're normally the same sibling who do - nothing - to help. again, it's not that they're in denial, it's just that it's much better to say "everything's fine", then there's nothing to do.
--a real, caring sibling who is truly in denial, would believe you (helping adult child), regarding all the warnings that your parent is NOT ok.
----
"he's fine!"
"she's fine!"
why would someone say that?
so they're off the hook.
they don't need to help.
---
hugs to you!!
bundle of joy :)
Yes I see it now.
What I had seen as denial - "he/she's fine" = no action on their part required.
Thankyou 🙏
When you have the diagnosis send it to the sibling. Having in my own family one such child, I know that arguing is worth nothing but getting your BP bumped up pretty high. Just send the paper and say "Here's the diagnosis. I don't wish to discuss this with you any longer".
If she won't listen then that is your first clue that you need not to be talking. It's that tree falling in the forest with no one there, you know.
Wishing you good luck. I know the feeling and frustration.
After about 4-6 months he came to my house apologizing as he had visited dad. He could see the changes. We talked... i have him back his unopened letter. My strategy worked although I'm not sure if it would for you but certainly worth a try. You deserve to be heard and not have to defend yourself at every turn. Good luck!
Assuming you are legally empowered to act on your father's behalf, do whatever is in his best interest. You do not have to inform your sister though you may choose to do so. Your sister won't change. Don't put any energy into trying to change her. What you can do is establish boundaries.
Here's how I handled communications with my 3 siblings (our relationships are strained):
* I was HCPOA and POA for both parents. I informed my sisters, in writing (via text), of my legal role and sole decision-making capacity when the time came to invoke those powers. I also let them know that I would do my best to keep them in the know when emergencies happened (and I did).
* I notified the AL, SNF, etc. of my legal role. HIPPA prohibits the facility from providing medical information to other family members or friends. Your sister should not be interfering or making demands of the AL.
* To keep the trust of my parents who both had dementia, I was honest with them about everything that was going on and why we were doing certain things, like seeing a new doctor. I spoke in basic terms. They, fortunately, understood enough to know that they could count on me.
* I put my personal feelings aside and kept my siblings informed of key (not the day-to-day) health issues and any decisions that were made to deal with a critical situation. I did so via text message so that it was in writing.
* I never asked for their permission.
* I was open to conversation, not criticism. I accepted calls from my siblings if they wanted to ask questions.
* I shut down any negativity and redirected the conversation toward mom/dad's best interests.
It was a long road for me. Be strong. Your dad needs you.
You are right to keep sending him to sister. She can deal with him and say whatever she wants, as long as the AL has your back in the situation, they (dad and sister) won't be causing any harm.
I found that my brother didn't believe the diagnosis either. I just ignored everything and anything he started by telling my dad he was fine. My dad didn't think he had any problems, so he gravitated to whomever agreed with his viewpoint.
Stay in touch with the AL and let sister find out the hard way. Especially send him her way during a paranoid episode.
Best of luck, it's so hard without a sibling that prefers blindness to reality.
I know I would FEEL like shaking them till they saw sense! (Sorry, illegal & inappropriate!)
I've met ones like your sibling before. Telling you this tale to hopefully give you a laugh 😉
The caregiver sib had been giving updates: Mom has Alz, Mom fell, fell again, fell & broke her hip, Mom has delerium, Mom can't swallow... not sure if she will recover.
"But she looked alright to me last time I saw her". True story. Denial I thought at the time. Denial to protect them from the painful truth.
3 days later that same sib finally seemed to let some reality in. But no..
Screaming out "Mom can't move, Mom is dying, Mom is dead!"
I found an elderly lady, propped up in bed, skin pink, warm to touch, regular breathing, strong pulse. Sleeping.
I surmised the sib lived in her own head. Only saw the world through the lense of her thoughts & feelings. Appeared little or no information went through her actual senses, her eyes, ears, touch. She paid NO attention to SEEING her Mom alive, did not LISTEN to the Doctor's & Nurses explaining Mom's condition or even FEEL her warm hand.
What influenced her was her own thoughts, over all else. That was the only truth to her.
Your sibling does not listen to you. But if there is a scale of this style of personality - I hope your sibling is not to that extreme!
Trust your gut, your eyes & ears as well as your brain. You've got this.
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