What can you do if you and family have cared after all of grandma's needs and she disinherits leaving everything to friends/ neighbors?

My friends sister, who was comfortable left all her assets to a woman who waited on her in her local liquor store. Her daughter took care of her mother for over 10 years. The mother had the nerve to tell the daughter that she was not leaving her anything because she had enough. The daughter was crushed, not so much about the money, but what she said to her. When the mother died, the daughter hired a lawyer and contested the will, she had it overturned paying a small amount to the clerk. It was crazy.

This kind of situation is not uncommon that elders change their Wills in the last minute and leave their assetts to total strangers!! Dementia and/or personality disorders (cluster B) is usually the reason. I have found that the law understands this phenomenon and will help you. Speak to her GP and a lawyer about this definitely. Good luck!

It sounds like your grandmother could be clinically depressed. Talk with her doctor about her outbursts.

In addition to elder law attorney, I would definitely get dementia testing/ assessment. This seems critically important. The anger, I believe, is likely a combination of dementia and fear of losing oneself and not knowing any other way to express herself. While not the same situation, I had a client who was as vile and full of rage (self-hate) as they come; I was the target as I was the (only) close person who took care of her. Everyone else in the retirement home thought she was 'sweet' - except for the time she floored her scooter down the hall and told a blind resident to 'get out of the way.' Take care of yourself however you need to and let go of the inheritance or home afterwards. Whatever you/family may get is a gift from the universe. To learn and grow from learning to 'let go' and shift into compassion is a huge gift in itself. And, maintaining or learning to return to your equilibrium soon after being thrown off is also a blessing/gift. In other words, reframing what you are getting from this experience in ways that support you. And, if you feel you aren't getting anything, then the gift is the awareness and realizing its time to make some very important decisions - and change your behavior. I send you a hug - to the entire family. Get those locks changed ASAP.

This brings back memories of Grandma Roberts senior. She had money and was an narcissistic manipulator. When he son died, she left right after the funeral service and headed to her daughter in laws (my former mil) home and cleaned out every single thing she had ever given her son or dil. It was packed and waiting for a courier before my former mil got home.

She tried to get me to move to Oklahoma with her when I was pregnant with her first Great Grandchild. Said she would look after me. HA. I said no, as I am Canadian and have free health care.

She conned people into providing whatever she wanted. One woman a Oklahoma City police officer was conned into bringing her to Canada during Expo 86. The woman told me Frances had promised her a small fortune in her Will. She had so many people, who I have to imagine thought they had found a Sugar Mama, at her beck and call, doing her bidding, that it was incredible.

Imagine all their surprise when she died and her money was divided 4 ways, three shares to her grandsons and one share to a nephew.

Now back to you. If I were in your shoes, I would not do another thing for Grandma without a care giver contract in place. She needs to pay you now for providing care, not after she is dead, assuming there is any money left.

Call her bluff and walk away for a bit. Let her know you will NOT be abused and if she cannot be nice or decent, then she will be alone. And make it stick. Will be damned. My dad is in LTC and he would not stop his nasty comments about people’s weight, which he’s done all my life. I told him....ONE more time and that’s the last you see me. He was nasty to us, but so kind and loving to the staff, so he knew darn well what he was doing. He stopped it immediately. Every time he starts to be ugly about anything, I get up and say it’s time for me to go. Will be damned. You deserve better treatment.

First, you didn't move in to care for her and your family doesn't continue to care for her so she can remain in her home because you expect to inherit anything, you do it because nasty and all you love Grandma and because as you say you are the only family she has left. So while I totally get how the inheritance and services you have given get intertwined at a certain point (usually when it's gone on longer and been far harder, more consuming than anyone imagined going into it) you will save yourself a lot of turmoil by separating them. I know that's easier said than done particularly given the emotional investment in the house your grandpa provided but the fact is GM can leave whatever she want to whomever she wants in her will. That said for all the reasons others have listed it's highly unlikely she is going to change that will whenever it strikes her to do so or be able to. I'm not sure you know though what the set up is currently or even if there is an official will. My guess would be if there is it was done when Grandpa was alive and he provided for the family in the event of both their passing so if I were you I would go with that probability and not stir up the whole will thing with GM now.

As soon as you try to bring it up, investigate or talk about the will and what's left to whom you are giving her power. Demented or not she uses the house that she knows you are all emotionally attached to try and manipulate you and the best way to combat that is not play her game. You need to release the feeling of entitlement first even if it is reasonable and fair but if you can simply say to her, "it's your's that is your right" "you leave it to whomever you choose" and walk away she no longer has leverage. You all can and should evaluate what you can and can't do, what you are able to do for free because you love your grandparents and feel a family responsibility and what lengths you are only able to go to if you receive some sort of financial compensation. Do not count on inheritance to be that compensation because even if GM was adamant everything go to your family and never threatened with it there is no guarantee she wont out last the assets. There may very well come a time when she needs more care than you all can provide, residential care and it's forced on her and she ends up needing Medicaid in which case while family members may be allowed to keep the house after her passing if it's ever sold they will get their money first so it may all be gone anyway.

Get your compensation legally and up front (you don't want to create problems applying for Medicaid either). She needs help no two ways about it, she can't or isn't doing anything for herself so she has choices and you can't allow one of those to be bullying or quilting you into doing it. You don't have to be angry or nasty about it just remove inheritance talk and thought from it and let her know what you as a family can do and what holes need to be filled. Blame it on the doctors requiring 24 hr care or whatever the need is and the options might be, hire outside caregivers, hire one of you for X hrs a week (the others you donate either way), get Meals on wheels, go to a residential facility and maybe you need to look at all these options to enable her to decide. Don't try to take the decision, the control away from her try participating with her and once you have some trust back between you get her some cognitive testing, see her primary and do a UTI test just in case (sounds like shes a prime candidate) and make sure the ducks are in order with POA and approval for sharing medical info and participating with each doctor and hospital if that isn't already in place. Use a soft but firm hand rather than a forceful or angry and hurt one with her, see if you can let her control attempts roll off your back or maybe help normalize them with treatment (UTI or medication for anxiety/cognitive issues). Now while you aren't in "crisis" is the time to map out a plan.

A person who is deemed mentally competent can change their will at ANY time.

It can even be done over the phone, if she is too weak to travel, with a lawyer and two unrelated witnesses.

However, if a doctor has deemed her to have dementia, if she changes her will, it will not be deemed valid. A mentally incompetent person can not sign a legal document.

So, the advice to see an elder care attorney is a good one.

If granny has been like this all her life, you might want to research personality disorders. It sounds as if granny has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If you look this up, you may have an "aha moment".

If granny does have NPD, and it sounds as if she does, she can and will leave people out of the will, just to be spiteful and controlling.

People with NPD are famous for doing this. A personality disorder will not cause a new will to be invalid. A person with a personality disorder is still deemed mentally competent by a court.

Also, you will see, when you research NPD, that you can not use reason or logic on these people. They are not like normal people. NPD runs on a spectrum and someone with severe NPD can be at the sociopathic or psychopathic end of the spectrum.

Therefore, if you attempt to use logic, they will use anything and everything you say against you. So see an elder law attorney before you attempt to speak with granny, about this issue.

Also, you need to see granny's will to find out whether or not she has already left all family members out. If she has, and she does not have dementia, then simply walk away.

Let the neighbors wipe her butt and take care of her.

Another very common trait among those with NPD is to treat strangers far better and kinder than they treat family. They even treat strangers who do nothing for them better than some family members.

Granny is being abusive to her daughter and grandchildren. Even the bible states that children owe nothing to abusive parents. Abusing one's own children is wrong.

Lastly as Davina mentioned, you can challenge the will, if the money is left to non-family members. It will likely be expensive. Still, if you can document your caregiving, it is likely the courts will side with family over friends for the inheritance.

I am sorry you have to go through this.

as carers and family you contest the will
if a close family member lives in house too, they can show that they are dependent on living there

‘Leaving you out of my will’ is a last gasp for control by a person who is desperate to keep control. Fundamentally, you have to deal with this as a control issue. Work out what you are doing for her, and how she would cope without it. Then start horse trading: This is the spiel: ‘If you are going to follow through on these threats, you don’t care about us, so why should we care about you?’… We do care about you, but we can’t cope with threats. ...Do you want us to walk away from you now, or can we talk sensibly about what ‘care’ means to us and ‘appreciation’ means to you? If you give us a legal agreement to pay us now for what we are doing, plus back pay for the past, of course you can leave the rest to the cat’s home if you want. But we cannot continue to help if you feel that you don’t appreciate it – even as if you mean to punish us. This discussion is treating you with adult respect. Where do we go from here?’.

Quickly change the locks.  Don't converse at all with the neighbors.  Run all this business by an Elder Care attorney.  Good Luck.

Rabanette: Yes, the elder estate lawyer is the starting point. Begin there ....

I agree with those advocating an Elder Law Attorney. I am surprised she did not deed the house over to you when grandpa died (which isn't always a great idea), and many people are better off using payable on death of transfer on death accounts, which make changes much more difficult. It sounds like the dementia has made her angry and mean.

Do you have a copy of her will? Who is POA? It sounds like she has onset dementia and they will do all kinds of things that seem hurtful and mean. They don't realize they are doing this and you just have to overlook the hurtful remarks. I agree with others change the locks. Since you and other family checks on her there is no reason the neighbors need keys to her house.

Three words - Elder Estate Lawyer.

If there is a sizable estate and you think her neighbors are manipulating her, this is considered elder abuse.
If she has significant dementia get this medically documented yesterday.
If Mom is just a cranky old lady then let her spend her money on care or let the neighbors do it.
"Mom/Granmom we love you and want to take care of you, but you make us miserable every time we try to help you. What do you want us to do?"
Write down her reply and have her sign it. Then do it.
And find out who has a POA for her, because someone will need it soon.

Change the locks. If they had a key made it’s the neighbors word against yours that they gave them keys/ permission to enter. Changing the locks takes that permission away. We had to do this since my step brother was coming and stealing things from her. After changing the locks per sheriff suggestion, I warned him and it stopped.
Does she have a will? What does it say? POA? Talk to an attorney. If she’s not of sound mind you may be able to contest a change. If she did change it, the will stands as written. My worthless step siblings never took care of my stepfather once during his almost decade long illness yet inherited most of his considerable estate even thought my mother and he were married over 20 years( up to his death) since he never changed anything after their marriage. Stinks but that’s what happens when you don’t keep legal documents up to date.

There are people who do this, try to use whatever assets they have to threaten or bribe family to care for them. I would decide to do what I could/wished to do for grandma, with no thoughts whatsoever of being remembered/rewarded in her will. If you are, great. But you may not be. If grandma is of sound mind they have every right to leave their assets to the person they choose. If she is petty enough to leave her house, etc. to a stranger, so be it. I feel sorry for her. But I'd advise you to let go of any sense that you 'should' get something for taking care of her. 'Shoulds' mean very little when it comes to what a person bequeathes.

Hazel, time to take Grandmother to see her primary doctor and have her tested for an Urinary Tract Infection. Such an infection can mimic memory problems, or make a person very angry at the world and everyone who is in it. This infection can be controlled with antibiotics once the type of infection is narrowed down.

As for the house, as another writer had mentioned, there will be a time when Grandmother will need a village to help her, thus any equity she has in the house will go quickly to pay for professionally trained caregivers, or for Grandmother to move to Assisted Living.

Depending on Grandmother's age, if she is in her 80's or 90's, she will dig in her heels to the mention of Assisted Living [do not call it a nursing home in front of Grandma] because she probably can remember her grandparents moving to such a place, and back then it was the County Home [mainly an asylum]. Grandmother needs to know that today's senior facilities are vastly different, and she would be around people of her own generation.

Keep us up-to-date on what is happening.

She can write the will any way she wants. However, wills can be challenged and if she leaves her estate to people who did little or nothing to help her or keep her company when you did so much I'd challenge it. You can prepare by keeping meticulous notes and records of all that you've done, writing a history of the way things have been (for a judge to read) and by screening competent, agressive attorneys so that you're ready if the time comes. You can casually mention that such legal battles can deplete an estate. If you don't want to defend yourself this way you can stop helping her or keep doing it and let the chips fall where they may. It does sound like she's made plans to give to the neighbors and has told them so.

My mother has narcissistic personality disorder and is a 92 year old spoiled brat. She needs constant attention and flattery and can't stand anyone who won't fall into line. My brother is severely alchoholic and my sister has antisocial personality disorder, alcholic, drug user and pathological liar. My brother is married to a woman who he hasn't lived with in 40 years but who sucks up to my mother, taking her leftover food and plants that were going to go into the trash from her serving jobs. One grandson is on meth, gobbles up my mother's groceries and passionately proclaims " Ioooooove you grandma" but disappears when she needs help. My mother is endlesssly flattered by this sucking up, never notices that these people take from her but never help and plans to favor them over me in her will. I'm the only one in the family who thinks for myself and tells her the truth; I was also my father's favorite and this galls the crap out of her. If she favors my siblings over me I plan a legal fight and will soon let her know that I have written a 30-page family history and chosen aggressive attorneys in case I need them. She's terrified of legal bills and proceedings so it may not be necessary after all.

Is your grandmother practically bed bound? You say she can use a porta potty....but can she go any further like to get out of the house in case of an emergency? When you leave and lock the door, does she have a key to get out if need be...or depend on the smirky neighbor for that? If you change the locks and don’t leave grandma a copy (which she’ll promply give to her neighbor to copy...again), you need to consider that.

It is true that she could leave her worldly possession to whomever she wants and if there were documented examples of erratic behavior or incidents on her part or diagnosed dementia, you could contest her will if she left her things to someone else..but it wouldn’t be cheap.

You have to decide if you want to accept the abuse because you’re taking care of your grandma because you feel it’s the right thing to do regardless of any promised inheritance...or tell her she can pay you or call an agency and walk out and enjoy your freedom. It’s obvious you won’t be able to reason with her.

I wish you all the best.

Tell her to pay you, since she is throwing tantrums don't get emotionally involved or argue with her.

Change the locks. Remove access to phone. Remove all paperwork from the house and review it. Get her evaluated medically and cognitively. Research local rehabs and resources. Next injury or medical crisis, discharge from hospital to rehab. While she is in weakened state at hospital and rehab, make plans for assisted living or memory care. This a helpless, vulnerable, sick person. Aside from throwing temper tantrums, there's not much she can do to resist (especially if you keep her away from phone and computer). An assisted living or memory care would be trained to deal with her resistance--distraction, therapeutic fibbing, etc. Once she's in assisted living or memory care, you two grandkids take a long break, maybe even relocate. You deserve your own lives!

Legal elder law attorney time. Your grandma would be prey to those trying to get her to leave them money. No one but you as family should have keys if your grandmother is not of sound mind. It is a very easy matter these days to change locks, don't even need to remove them at all. If she IS of sound mind, walk away would be my advice. Walk completely away. So basically you are left with this. No matter what you do for her, if she is of sound mind she is free to change her will any time she likes. If she is not of sound mind it is time to see a legal elder attorney and doctor and begin to take guardianship of her. Then you address the locks. This should be done quietly. If the neighbor is a problem any forwarning of all this could mean whatever is in the house is in danger of getting lifted. I know the neighbor may be a good person trying to help your grandmother. But the neighbor may NOT be. And it is quite impossible to know at present with your grandmother acting in this unstable manner. She is showing all the signs of dementia. Her doctor may not be able to share with you, but a call to him or her suggesting you are worried by changes you see, and wondering if you should seek advice of elder law attorney may be in order. They often find a way of saying things without saying things in these cases.

Too many posts to read so sorry if I am repeating.

You don't say anything in ur profile about Gmas mental state or age.

Ur Gma needs a good physical with a cognitive eval. No rational person acts like Gma. No one in their right mind would allow another person to bath and toilet them.

Hopefully, Mom has POAs in place. If so, read them and see when they take effect. Immediately or when the person is found they can no longer care for themselves. As soon as its determined Gma is incompetent, then Mom can have locks changed on doors.

The answer to ur question is, yes, Gma can leave her estate to anyone she wishes. If Gma is found incompetent, she cannot change her will.

This looks like a situation in which the best course of action would be to get away from it. If the grandmother claims she doesn't like your help and abuses you, there is no reason to donate your time and life to her. You could take one of several routes already suggested here to get her into a nursing home or similar. Although we all agree that the purpose of helping her is not to get an inheritance, for her to be nasty and ungrateful to you for all you do, and then throw this comment at you is the ultimate slap in the face. However, you might want to visit with the neighbor first to see if she if she is on the level or just mocking you; perhaps she can enlighten you on something that would make a difference in your decision. If you extricate yourselves from the situation, the neighbor and your grandmother may say it's only because of the will--but you know better and need to get out of this situation. However, if apparently she doesn't plan to leave you anything anyway, that's all the more reason to let her use HER resources for HER care. There's no reason to spend (or perhaps I should say "ruin") your life knocking yourself out for someone who is ungrateful and nasty.

No they cannot. I'd have the locks changed if I were you. Nosy neighbor had no right to let herself in when your grandma wasn't home. Also, make it clear to your grandma that none of you are her husband or her slave and she needs to show more appreciation towards you. Her angry outbursts are not okay and she needs to get placed into a facility based on how high a fall risk she is.

Have her sign a caregiver agreement paying you for giving your life up for her AND giving you sole POA. I and about a thousand other people on here lost our own health, jobs, families learning that lesson too late.

I can't believe yall are going to her house 3 times a day and doing all the personal items you say you are and she treats you this way. This is the definition of insanity, right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. It will only get worse! Have her sign a caregiver agreement and start paying. If she says no and talks about how great her neighbors are, well let them have her and I bet they don't last a day and they'll be calling and begging you to come back. Stick to your guns and stop being abused. It drives me crazy that the same people who say they don't want to be a burden to their kids when they're younger turn into needy ungrateful monsters I read about on this website. My inlaws, most especially my MIL, became very whiny and needy but expressed her gratitude daily and that made all the difference in the world.

I would change locks immediately as they seem to have ulterior motive...another idea is take her to hospital & say you are unable to care for her anymore....& she will need 24 hr care...& she will have to go to SNF. This neighbor will steal her blind ...& be living in Grandma’s house...I have bad vibes about them...Hugs 🤗