This has been a challenging situation. First, I love my mom. We have always had a rocky relationship though, always arguing, rarely see eye to eye, but we’ve always been there for each other. She is divorced and single for a long time. Awful with finances but even still enjoys the finer things in life. Needed upgrades for her townhome, had to buy an expensive vehicle, when she shouldn’t etc. We’ve tried talking to her about these things but there’s a fine line as she’s a grown adult and I felt I was impinging on her privacy when opening discussions and just led to arguments. She had a full time job and was struggling many years ago when in her 60s. There were no options to help her other than have her move in with my husband and kids. It was a challenge, we always fought etc. We couldn’t do it anymore and she found an apartment (luxury). (She has two pets so it’s hard to find apartments that’ll take those pets.) She lived there for a few years and fast forward to now, my husband and kids moved into a larger home to accommodate our needs. At the same time, my mom got laid off and she is essentially retired and again, needed somewhere to live so she moved in with us again, no other options, thinking a bigger home may help give us more space, although I knew it may not. She is 72, in good health but has no hobbies other than the internet. I’ve tried to get her to get out of the house, join a club or something, so we have some more privacy during the day (I’m a homeschooling mom) but she sits in the living room much of the day. I understand she’s retired and wants to do nothing but it drives me nuts. I have a brother but he has a small twin home and neither one of us can afford to help her financially at this time. She refused low-income housing years ago and now there is a three-year wait list. She is now filling out the forms for it. I’m trying so hard to make this work but it just feels like I can’t relax or be myself in my own home. The other issue is she has two elderly animals, a large dog and a cat, that create additional noise and problems. Her dog peed twice on my carpet and now has diarrhea. We have a staircase and I know this will get even more challenging for both my mom and her dog as they age. My brother is looking into some moves he can make so she can live with him as it’ll be a one-floor rancher (better for her and dog in the long-term) and she has a different dynamic with him than with me. I can’t imagine they’d argue the same as her and I. Thing is I am not certain my brother’s plan will pan out. We won’t know until January. She says she is continuing to look. Just trying to wrap my head around all of this because of course guilt sets in. I want her to be with us but it just feels so hard because sometimes her presence alone stresses me out because I’m always on edge around her. (She has a nervous type personality/energy that I can feel.) I’m so torn. Thoughts?
I'm struck by the number of times you said "had to" in your post.
People make choices. Your mother makes poor ones and now YOU feel coerced.
Start out by finding a therapist who can help you break out of the unhealthy relationship you have with your mom. She's an adult.
The incontinent animal-- has it been seen by a vet? This is mom's problem to solve. Vet, canine/feline diapers, additional training or the animal needs to be re-homed. I trust it's mom, not you, cleaning the mess.
It needs to see a vat and have it diet monitored to figure out what is going on.
I do agree that mom should be cleaning it up and she should be paying more attention to the signals that the dog is having when it needs out.
Animals being incontinent is one thing, people being incontinent is another and very likely in her future. Elders lose their filters, and mobility, etc. and it can go on for years. I'm making a point of bringing this to the forefront so that you are more motivated to find other arrangements for her. Please do not have her move in with your brother, either. That's not a solution.
Would she be able to function on her own in AL? Can she afford it? If not, the solution is NOT for you or your brother to pay for this, as it is unsustainable and robs from your own futures (and maybe even present). This may be the time when she and you and brother visit a certified elder law attorney to make sure all her legal protections are in place so that you/brother will be able to make decisions in her best interests if/when cognitive (or medical) impairment sets in. She needs a PoA, and a Living Will. If she doesn't agree to create these protections, you'll have another poop storm looming on the horizon.
You should also consult with a Medicaid Planner, as it seems inevitable that she will need it at some point. You and brother paying to prop her up may disqualify her. That is the poopiest of poop storms.
You can also contact your local area's Agency on Aging for resources for her, and maybe consider talking to social services (a social worker) for your county to see if she qualifies for an Elder Waiver for some in-home help.
You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. You, your own husband and your children are the first priority, not your mom. She lived an irresponsible lifestyle and now you're paying for it -- and that needs to end. I wish you mush clarity and wisdom, and peace in your heart as you work to find a realistic solution.
Its not your fault that Mom spent her money unwisely. That, as a single woman, she did not put aside money to take care of herself when she retired. Its not your responsibility to support her. Where I live there id HUD apts. You pay 30% of your monthly income towards rent. Your responsible for electric and cable. Cable can be very basic. There are so many free streaming apps you really din't need a lot of channels.
Mom is just going to need to live a simple life. Her days of extravagance are over. She brought that on herself.
At 72 don't think Mom is ready for an AL.
It's obvious that you haven't learned how to set boundaries with your mom yet, and for that I would recommend some therapy to help you with that.
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON YOUR MOM SHOULD BE LIVING WITH YOU!!!! She's a grown woman for Pete's sake and has to learn how to do life on her own, along with suffering the consequences of her poor choices.
By you continuing to take her in you are enabling her bad behavior. It's like someone who continues to go out to buy alcohol for an alcoholic, thinking that they're in some way helping them.
So take a step back, look hard at yourself in the mirror and decide today that mom has to go. And the sooner the better. You cannot wait until your brother supposedly makes room for her(as that will more than likely never happen.) She is not his responsibility either.
If she has to live in a small one room apartment because she can't afford more, well than so be it. She has done that to herself and you owe her nothing. It's time she grows up and starts taking responsibility for her own life and quits depending on her children to clean up her messes. Enough is enough!
Now at 72 it is being contemplated AGAIN when it didn't work out the first time.
Mom has another good 30 years left in her, though they will be a downhill slide all the way.
Is this what you want for your life?
I think that both you and brother are making decisions for your own lives that I would not contemplate for a single second, so I am likely the wrong one to even comment here.
Mom has lived her life. You are now living yours. Or are you living "yours plus Mom"? Honestly that choice is all yours. You have already written us a post that tells me you know exactly what you are getting into if you do this.
I can but wish you the very very best of luck. And I DO mean that.
Your Mom is 72 and wants to do nothing? Well, I know people closer to 80 and they work, travel, enjoy life.
Perhaps she needs part time job, or volunteering, some social clubs?
Your mother 'says she is continuing to look' for housing. How so? Talk is cheap. If she's on the net all day, let her SHOW you how she's looking for apartments. Talk to your brother right away and see what plans he has in MOTION to get his mother moved into his home. January is 7 months away; what happens then that makes moving her in a possibility? It sounds like another way to postpone her move-in and string you along THINKING it may happen when he knows for a fact it will not. Nobody 'looks into moves' that happen 7 months down the road......not in my experience. If he wants to move to a larger house that will accommodate her, then DO IT NOW for petesake. Don't wait for HIM to make something happen here; work on making something happen YOURSELF!
In the meantime, don't be torn about making a decision to get mother out of your house. You shouldn't have taken her in again knowing what you know, having the experience you have had with her in the past, and the rocky relationship in force that you do have. I say that b/c I too had an oil & water relationship with my NERVOUS NELLIE of a mother and vowed NEVER to take her into my home, so I didn't. She tried every trick in the book to get me to cave, but I refused. She lived in IL, then AL and then finally Memory Care AL the last nearly 3 years of her life. She died in Feb of this year at 95 years old. NINETY FIVE. Your mother is 72.....
I had to move both my folks to my state 10.5 years ago when dad had to stop driving, so I could help them (only child here), and I did just that. I just did on MY terms, not mom's. If she had her druthers, they'd have moved in with me, lock stock & barrel, and ruined my entire life. Yeah, no. Not happenin ma. I loved her very much but we'd always had a dysfunctional relationship which I KNEW would continue if, God forbid, we lived together again in the same house. Once was more than enough as a kid.
Make plans now to get mother out of your house, one way or another. Whether it's your brother who steps up or you find her an affordable studio apartment to rent, or whatever. YOU may have to 'look' yourself b/c if you leave the looking to her, it may just take years on end to actually HAPPEN!
Don't let guilt drive your decisions here; let common sense and a desire to SALVAGE your relationship be the determining factor moving forward.
Best of luck to you.
There are plenty of standard apartments in good areas. Just because she thinks she deserves better doesn't mean she can afford it. I'd like a condo in Bermuda but I am still in NJ.
Stop with the 'had to' attitude. The only person who 'has to' do anything is your mom. Start making her. Maybe it is time you start looking for places for her.
How does your husband feel about the lack of privacy?
You mom, like many manipulative people, is using this technique to coerce your behavior.
Yes, finding a therapist would be a good step.
1. How long has she been living with you this second go-around? How long did she live with you the first time?
2. Does she pay you an appropriate amount of rent? Does she pay anything towards utilities, food, pet expenses?
3. You gave her a deadline to find somewhere else to live? When is that?
4. Everyone is right; don't depend on your brother to ever take her in. It suits everyone else (your mother, your brother) the way things are right now.
5. And, finally, I hope SHE is the one to clean up after her dog. Is she?
1. The first time, about 3 years, this time, 9 months. She literally moved in as soon as we bought the house as she lost her job at the same time so we really haven’t had a chance to even enjoy it on our own.
2. The rent is actually good. We agreed on $700 which is helpful and I’m grateful for the extra income but Honestly, the money doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’m at the point I’m sacrificing my life for hers, and I refuse to do that anymore no matter how much it is.
3. I gave her August 1. She keeps telling me to be patient as if she won’t be able to find something but I’m sticking to it. I gave this deadline about a month ago.
5. oh yes! I don’t clean up after her animals except for the pee in the hallway one morning. She doesn’t even seem empathetic about this at all. It’s the weirdest thing. She gets mad at me for complaining about it.
If you have any other thoughts or feel
I am out of line in any way with deadline etc, please, feel free!
If she is in good health, why can't she get a part time job to supplement her income? I have many friends who are in their 70's and still working.
I personally am 75 and have my own business, plus I serve on two HOA boards and 1 corporate board, the latter which is a paid position.
You are trying to figure out how to take care of her, while she is not doing a thing, it is her responsibility to plan and handle her own life, not yours.
Of course, if she has extreme dementia then she will need guidance/support but this does not seem to be the case with her.
Yes, perhaps therapy will help you to understand how to set boundaries and enforce them, these things are never easy but a solution is out there.
Consider consulting a lawyer about a formal eviction. It doesn't sound like your mom is taking your deadline seriously at all.
"Not up to par"?
Oh, my. Have you ever heard the expression "beggars can't be choosers"?
HER sense of entitlement does not equate to YOUR misery.
Please put her in assisted living or a nursing home of she needs a higher level of care. This is ridiculous that you have to live this way.
Your MIL weaponized suicide threats and uses them to hijack your lives with. This is pretty common with seniors. Remember people don't live to become elderly when they're serious about suicide.
Tell her she's leaving and if threatens to commit suicide tell her that this is even more reason for moving her to a nursing home so she can get care for her mental health also.
You could also call 911 when she's threatening suicide and have her brought to the hospital for a 72-hour psychiatric evaluation. That will usually disarm the suicide threat weapon they're using to manipulate their family with.
You feel like your life is slipping away because it is. Your MIL is holding your lives hostage. Either she gets what she wants when and how she wants it and you live your lives according to her plan or she'll kill herself. She knows her son will give into her demands. STOP!
The three of you made an agreement about living together. That she could stay as long as was independent and could do for herself. You and your husband becoming caregivers to her was not part of that agreement.
Find a facility that will take her. Or set her up in a handicapped accessible apartment that allows pets and hire a live-in caregiver. If this isn't possible, there are volunteer organizations that will take her dog, care for it, and even bring it to visit her.
Everyone has options here. You are not the only possibility.
I think in your situation there are multiple problems and you can’t deal with them all at once. You need to build a team of support, including your kids and husband, and hold some family meetings. Discuss these matters with them, write out goals and game plan. Also, go to your doctor for advice, a family friend or even a personal lawyer and accountant. My advice is this is a myriad of problems that require multiple solutions and you can’t do this all at once. Get a big notebook for this too. If you put her in low income housing she will hate it after where she has lived and keep calling for help all the more. Affordable housing nearby might be better.
Maybe you should have a little get together. I really think the elderly forget they worked at one time. Ask Mom how she feels about calls. Explain that working from home is just like working outside the home. You clock in and you clock out. You must be at that computer if a boss tries to contact you. If Mom does not answer her phone, there is a reason. Explain her problem. When she can, she will return ur call. They are not to call you from 8 to 5, you are working. If they continue, you will block them. They are not to come knocking on the door from 8 to 5, ur working and the door will not be opened to them. And please, no asking for loans. Mom is in the same place they are when it comes to income. They need to respect the boundries you have set.
One thing you might start out with is to have her see her PCP if she hasn't had a checkup lately. If you're making the appointment, get across to an appropriate person in the office that you have concerns she may have some depression. (I know, HIPAA.) I recommend not bringing the issue up directly with her unless you think she would be open to it.
If she makes the appointment, go with her if she will allow you, pull the practitioner aside, and suggest she be checked. It may be standard to check anyway. I don't know.
If she's mentally and physically healthy and just likes taking up space in your house, you can always sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that you need some time alone in the house. She has to find something to do for a certain number of days for a certain number of hours. If she can't or shouldn't drive, have her use a cab or an Uber/Lyft. I suggest that you not come up with a list of things for her to do. She can do it. If she fights about it or just refuses and you really don't have any options for her to live elsewhere, I guess you're stuck until January. The likelihood that an apartment will take incontinent animals is probably low.
Okay, now the animals: Take the dog to the vet yesterday. Peeing inside is not good. Diarrhea is especially not good. Elderly animals often need care. If she can't afford it, help her find a low-cost clinic. It is unfair to the dog to neglect it's illness. Take the cat too, if it's elderly, even if it's not having problems right now. If nothing can be done about the peeing and diarrhea, you're just stuck. There are a number of excellent products on the market that remove pet stains and odor. I swear by Nature's Miracle but there are others. If your mother loves the internet, ask her to research behavioral methods for dealing with a dog that pees indoors. Best wishes.
A good example is my cousin, who built a separate but attached suite onto his house for his grandmother. She had her own entrance and porch, kitchenette, bedroom, living area, bathroom and small attic. There was a door into the main house and he would take her food into her little suite.
I applaud his boundaries. My aunt (his grandmother) was cared for and wasn't alone, yet his family had the privacy that they needed.
Every time I say something about pets, I get howls of disagreement. BUT… These pets are NOT ‘her life’. Her life is propped up by you, not by the pets. This is just another part of “you can’t do this to me". If one of them dies naturally, she is quite capable of buying a replacement ‘to keep the other company’.
Our farm’s neighbor breeds cattle and dogs. Madam brags that ‘she makes more money from the dogs than he does from the cattle’. I’m not saying that it’s an abusive puppy farm, just that they are a product bred to sell, like their cattle and our sheep. Buying one is not a case of adopting a child, and does not have those responsibilities.
Do not let these pets be something else that forces you to assume yet another ‘had to’.
Live in your home, eat the food, pay no bills, have no job.
Life is GOOD!
Expectations that it will go on & on..
Until Stop. Enter *Tough Love*.
Until you assign chores, stop doing their chores for them, insist they get a part-time job to pay for socialising, clothes & takeaway food. Then charge rent. When I told my kid that rent was to be charged next birthday "well I'll move out!". Well, if you must... 🤣🤣
Now I may be blunt & even appear mean at times, but not so mean as to suggest you send your 70yr+ mother out to flip burgers..
But having to pay her way, live within her means bring dignity.
It will be a rude awakening. So it is for any person with 'champagne taste on a beer budget'.
Maybe while on that 3 year housing list Mom has to downsize to a small bedroom at your brother's or a one bed/bedsit apartment to wait?
go in. I do my very best to try to look after him and most of the time it’s ok but the passive aggressive remarks and self pity really make me want to scream. I hope that I can one day enjoy my marriage again.