I have a mom, age 78, widowed 1 1/2 years. She immigrated here 40 years ago, doesn't speak the language, doesn't drive. She lives by herself but she needs her children for everything, remember doesn't speak the language or drive. My siblings and I are burned out.
I'd try hard to get her out and integrated into the community where she can make some friends and be able to use some other transportation options so she's not totally dependent on you and your siblings to go anywhere and do anything. What's her personality like? Is she open to learning or trying new things?
Also, I'd think that this would be a good place of support for you since there are likely other adult children in your situation. They may be able to share tips with you. If not, at least they can share your frustration.
I wish you the best. This is hard enough without the drawback of language difficulties.
Carol
I know many people who have done this. May give everyone the break they need and mom can have a new friend.
Investigate whether there are any "culturally compatible" caregivers, ones who speak her language or are from the "old country." As others have said, be careful about opening your door to strangers. Caregivers, even for a few hours a day or a week would give you and your sibings a much needed break from caregiving.
It is very hard to stay healthy for the long haul. Good luck and do reach out to this group.
Did your father speak English? Was he doing all these tasks for her, or did she used to do somethings for herself?
I wonder if it would help if you and your sibling set up a schedule and limit your help to the schedule? On Mondays you drive your mom wherever she needs to go. On Thursdays a sibling does that. No other driving mom around except for emergencies. Going forward she makes her appointments for Monday or Thursday, because that is when she has transportation. On Sunday siblings take turns inviting Mom over for a meal, or taking her to a restaurant. If she needs household help (heavy cleaning, setting up pills for the week, changing high light bulbs, etc) one sibling takes that on once a week for a month, and then it rotates to another sib.
I am trying to think how Mother's needs can be met by her children, as she thinks they should be, without completely burning out all of her children and building up major resentment in everyone. Would it be less stressful if the help were limited to a certain schedule, and spread across the family? I don't imagine that Mother will welcome this with open arms but she is going to have to be flexible in order to get what she wants.
You mother doesn't speak the language of her community. That is Not Your Fault. Your mother doesn't drive. That is Not Your Fault. If she has health problems that is Not Your Fault. This doesn't mean you shouldn't help her but it does mean you shouldn't feel guilty if you cannot help her in exactly the ways and the timeframe she demands. Don't let feelings of guilt make this any harder than it already is!
Come back often and let us know how this is going.
I live next door to a Russian family, and the Mother of 7 kids can understand quite a bit of what I say, and the rest is communicated through sign and hand gestures, so it's interesting how much they Do know, but sometimes play down that part, to manipulate their kids do do more for them, not meaning that in a bad way, just my observation, my parents too were immigrants, though did speak English, thankfully, however my Mom was extremely shy, and often used us kids to do her communications for her, she got much better with time.
Research your Counties AREA ON AGING, as they will send someone out to meet with your Mom, and offer you some solutions about, home help, transportation, and Respite too, there are Vouchers you might qualify for, so you can get a much needed vacation, knowing that she is being well cared for, and with every step she does take, with interacting with new people, she will become more comfortable, but understand that it will be a slow process for her.
Good luck, and I hope you find some much needed resources!
You are jepordizing your own health by trying to meet all or so many of her demands. I suggest you ask yourself what terrible thing would happen if you did not attempt to consistently meet her demands and need for attention. As long as you are providing a safe environment, you should consider becoming less responsive to her requests that are not related to her health and safety.
If you keep up her current behavior, I guarantee that you will face severe caregiver burnout. You cannot afford that, not only for yourself, but also for hers.
My last suggestion may sound harsh and unfeeling, but adult children must admit that they cannot meet every need of their aging parents. Our culture leads us to believe that we as their children must try to meet their demands, no matter how unreasonable or reasonable. But in the long term, you must take of yourself.
When you and your siblings are not around, how does she amuse herself? Does she watch T.V? Does she listen to the radio?
My grandmother, an immigrant, also said that she did not understand nor speak English, yet she watched T.V. She laughed at the parts of the English speaking shows, where she should laugh.
It was concluded that she preferred her native language.
My father, an immigrant, did all the business duties of the household.
Thus mom's English was not the best.
Once Dad passed, I made Mom do the business chores and speak with people who did not understand her native language. Her English has improved.
I do help Mom when the situation is complex, for example filling out govt forms, other than that, she is managing and is happy that she can do things on her own. By the way, my Mom is 88.