What do I do now? Need to set boundaries with my elderly neighbor.

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What do I do now? Need to set boundaries with my elderly neighbor.

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For 10 years I’ve been helping a neighbor with all things electronic when they stopped working. In May, I found out she has cancer and is currently at home in hospice. She is estranged from her family. In this case, I started to help some. That has since evolved into a toxic situation, nothing done for her is right, she wants me on-call, and boy, she does call! If I can't meet her demands, boy oh boy, the guilt trips. I totally understand the dynamics involved, but now it's taking an emotional toll. I have my children with me this week and she's asking when they're leaving just about every day. I know why, because I'm spending time with them. She's making me out to be the bad guy, so what do I do now to get out of this?

Burnout Cancer Mental Health Relationships

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To avoid work, I use my sick days. Now, my sick days are all used up, I am going to call in dead.

That's a joke I read sometime ago. But seriously, Baffled, you mentioned you have health issues of your own. Then, use that as the reasons to not work (for free.)

"Sorry, I'm not feeling well today."
"My __ has been hurting so much, I can't do anything today."
"I've got a doctor appointment that I need to go to."
"My medication makes me so dizzy, I can't focus today."
"Sorry, I am busy today. Lots of things to do to get ready for the move."
"Sorry, I'm gone."

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As has been said, no good deed goes unpunished! In your shoes I would contact hospice. That is the right and only thing you need to do. If/when you do decide to take your neighbor's call, reply with no I'm not able to do that for you, repeat verbatim three times if needed. Then say goodbye. Like a broken record. It might feel unnatural at first but it works. She will not take a hint; she needs to be told straight. Your job is done!

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She's been all up in your business asking when your kids are leaving. How about you push back and get into her business? WHY is she estranged from her own family? (this is sort of becoming obvious). Anyway, press her hard for some names and phone numbers of relatives and contact those people. They probably don't even know she is ill and on hospice. They may or may not want to help her, but at least you will know that you reached out. Also do as others suggested and let hospice know you are LEAVING. Do not alter your plans for this person's demands.

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Why are you answering her calls? You're not a victim; you're a volunteer!

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You'd be doing her a kindness to call APS before she wakes up one day to find you moved away. Sure, you've told her, but that hasn't made any difference to her.

If you know the hospice organization, make sure they also know you'll be leaving. She may have told them she has a support system in place (you), so let them know that's not the case. Tell them you're leaving at least two weeks before you really are going. You don't need to deal with her stuff up until the minute you leave.

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MJ, this is an excellent idea. The hospice social worker should ideally know now.

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Baffled, you've gotten a lot of helpful answers, so I'll try to limit mine to adding just a few comments.

I do agree that you need to decrease the time spent immediately, but use the Indiana Jones substitution method. This is what I might do:

1. Research local sources - city, county, state- to see what they offer, but don't filter it by reading it all and making recommendations. Let her do that. Not only will it gently force her to make more of her own decisions, but you're not leaving her in a vulnerable position as she'll have the chance to make arrangements before you move. And don't back down.

2. If she continues to contact you, you might answer the first few calls but ignore her requests for your assistance and instead focus on what results she's had from contacting the entities on the lists you gave her. Don't ask if she's called; help her realize that you're backing out.

If she continues to call, continue the same inquiry, then announce you have to pack for the upcoming move and although sorry, just can't spend any more time helping her find assistance (not "providing" assistance, but finding it elsewhere).

3. Send her a lovely card stating how much you've enjoyed her friendship, taken pleasure in helping her in the past, and are now going forward, as you plan to continue your life elsewhere. It may not be possible, but try to focus on the fact that you're done, although you've made efforts to aid her in transferring reliance elsewhere.

Good luck.

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I think at this point the OP just wants to get packed up so she can move. With her own health problems, it may take a lot out of her. The last thing she needs to be doing is research. Hospice should have a SW affiliated with them. That person needs to find resources for this neighbor.

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Before you call APS, call Hospice just to make sure they know the situation. They may call APS when they find out she has no help. Actually APS may listen to Hospice better than you. I am pretty sure she told them she has a neighbor who can help her. I don't understand why these organizations and facilities don't confirm that there actually is someone willing to take on the responsibility of someone else's care instead of taking the patients wird for it. It's happened to members on this forum.

I think you are going to have a hard time making this woman understand that for the next month you are not available. Do not answer that door. Put a Do Not Disturb sign on your door. Concentrate on getting things done. Is anyone coming to help you? If so, let them answer the door and tell the neighbor "sorry Baffled is not feeling well" "sorry, she is busy packing and can't come to the door"

So sorry you are going thru this. I saw the writing on the wall when I was helping a GFs Mom and then my GFs family. Once you start, its really hard to back out without hurting feelings. I got out of it because I started babysitting my grandson. Then I had care of my Mom for 3 yrs after that. Then Mom passed and Mrs S kept saying I should stop by. By that time Mrs S's husband was gone, GF and her husband were gone and granddaughters were worthless. Mrs S was an only child and GF was an only child. So no family. I KNEW if I stopped by Mrs S would ask me to do this and that. She was in her late 80s, a nice woman that needed someone. But after caring for others for 4 yrs, I wanted my life back at 68.

Keep us updated on how things go. Hope your moving is a smooth one.

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"I don't understand why these organizations and facilities don't confirm that there actually is someone willing to take on the responsibility of someone else's care instead of taking the patients word for it."

And yet they continue to do as you've described. I wonder why. Perhaps it is easier for them, saves money, etc. I will add hospital discharge planners to the list of those who listen to the cognitively impaired patient saying "Yes, my niece is going to be moving in with me and helping me shower and get up and down, cooking and cleaning, etc." instead of the niece who is shouting "NO, NO, NO, I am NOT doing this! I live 50 miles away and have a family to care for! She lives alone and has NOBODY to stay with her!"

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Simple answer is, stop answering the phone and do not answer the door unless you were expecting someone. Then if you have a couple spare hours you can call her back to see what she needed. You do not have to answer the minute she calls. Her issues are not emergencies for you. You can get to them when you have time and you won't have time until next Tuesday. She has trained you to jump when she wants. Now it is time for you to teach her patience.

My father would call me at work and want me to leave work to come and fix his remote. Or at least come right after work, but I had kids in daycare that had to get picked up....and no I didn't have someone else to do that for me like he thought. Everything to them is an emergency.

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So now you know why she's estranged from her family. No good deed goes unpunished! You're an angel for your willingness to help her, but she either is mentally ill or has dementia. In either case helping her is now above your pay grade.

I would report her to APS and let them know she is a vulnerable adult and has no one else and that her only current help -- you -- are moving in September. Then you can block her calls or let them roll into voicemail.

Getting "out of this" won't feel good or comfortable but you've done yeoman's work for her out of the goodness of your heart. Now you need boundaries because she won't or can't respect them from her end.

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And as for her having less then 6 months to live. Says who? Her? This is her second time on hospice and as I have learned from other posters here people can live longer than expected and some people even get off hospice.

I think she is using the whole 6 month thing to keep you at her beck and call. You sound like you have more health issues than her and your description of her mobility and other things doesnt exactly shows person who is on deaths door.

My MIL has lung cancer stage 4 and has had it for almost 3 years now and sounds and acts healthier than ever since her diagnosis.

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If you are moving in September then why bother asking the question?

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Honestly, it's been 10 years of helping her when her phone, tv, computer, and modem weren't working, if not that, it was trying to undo a mistake she made along the way I had to fix, the current situation has escalated this neighborship and I have my own health issues. Yes, I am moving by the latter part of September to live with my sister, and telling her this has just heightened her anxiety and mine too as a result. So I'm going on 10+++ years!

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move! how horrible that she's managed to lure you in like this, usually it's just children who are made to feel so much guilt. you are a good person but honestly if it were me i'd be looking for another place to live. certainly you could be blunt and insist you can't help her any more but we all know with these types that even the firmest refusal is unlikely to work. is she mobile? does she come and knock at your door or is it just phone calls?

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Truth is I am moving comes September but not because of her I have my own health conditions so I’ll be staying with my sister. My neighbor is mobile is independent but when things go wrong she looks for others to fix it. I thank you so much for your response to my post it means a lot and I think you have a wonderful weekend!

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This is a tough situation for you. You want to help but now its evolved into more than you care to deal with, thanks to this neighbor having nobody but you to help her out after hospice leaves. I think you have to sit down with her for an honest chat now. Tell her your circumstances have changed, and after TEN YEARS of helping her, you're no longer able to. At all. You'd be very happy to help her arrange for Home Instead or another service to come in daily with a caregiver to help her with errands, cooking, cleaning, showers, companionship and whatever else she needs to have done for her, but you're not available any longer. Then help her find a gal to come in daily for 4 hours or whatever. If and when this neighbor calls you, don't answer the phone. You'll have made your intentions clear and then it will be on your neighbor to figure out her own life moving forward.

You've done so much for her, my hat is off to you. Please don't feel guilty for quitting this unpaid job now. Enough is enough.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. As of right now she is under hospice care but she is at home. But the first time she was at hospice care again at home she told them she didn’t need them. She is now on her second go around with hospice and I think she is once again about to give them the boot as well. I am also in theProcess of moving come September and I know she’s not taking this well either. My sincere thanks for responding it really does mean a lot have a wonderful weekend and thank you again

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Is it a generational thing that so many people answer the phone everytime it rings? I never answer unless I know who it is and actually want to talk to them.

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lol same, i don't answer the door either unless i'm expecting someone.

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Why are you answering her calls? You can block her since she's clearly becoming a nuisance to you if it continues to get worse.

You do not need to explain yourself to her or to anyone really but for some mystifying reason, many people caught in your situation seem to be saddled with guilt for feeling the normal feelings associated with another person crossing our boundaries.

You can tell her honestly that you do not need to explain yourself to her. You do not owe her an explanation for how long your family is staying and, that if she continues to intrude upon your private life and time, you will have to end contact with her. Be upfront about how generous you have been with your spare time and that you feel that she is taking advantage of your generosity and kindness.

Just because she's dying doesn't give her the right to be ungrateful.

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Of course knowing that she has less than six months to live and that she has cancer of the lungs the guilt is over bearing that I would leave somebody that has no family around to be alone at a time like this that’s my sticking issue if I were to leave her alone I would feel rotten but I spoke to my son and I have toSet boundaries and if the boundaries or not to her liking then I’m gonna have to break contact. Thanks again for responding to my post it is all appreciated believe you me have a wonderful weekend and thanks again

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I would talk to the Hospice Nurse and find out what she has been told. I know hospice has changed a lot over the last 10 years or so but at one time the one receiving care was not to be left alone. I would wonder if she told the Nurse you would be helping her out.

You may just have to be blunt with her. "Mary, I cannot be at your beck and call" I have my own family and responsibilities. When I say No I can't do that, you have to take No for an answer. You are too demanding of someone who is just a neighbor"

Now you can see why the woman is estranged from her family. Again, talk to Hospice. Explain you cannot be there for this woman the way she wants u to be. Ask if Hospice has volunteers that can help her? Maybe the aides can stay longer?

At this point I know backing out completely would be wise because this woman does not understand boundries. Its a shame though, she is terminal with nobody and you can see why. Maybe it would be better if she did Hospice in an AL or LTC. It would mean her paying for the facility. But she would have other people around and you could visit. Really, she may not need someone with her 24/7 at this point but she may near the end and Hospice needs to understand that there is no family and you will not be doing it.

Please update after talking to Hospice.

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If the Hospice patient is safe and can manage by themselves then they can continue to live alone.
If this patient has told the Hospice Nurse and Social Worker that her neighbor is "helping out" they may be satisfied that she is getting help she needs.
A Volunteer would come for no more than 4 hours and probably no more than 1 time a week. They can do no "hands on" care.

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You aren’t obligated to do anything. Call APS. Don’t answer the calls and say NO when they show up at your door,

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Hey Lupe Lu thank you for your response it means a lot. It is true I am not obligated it’s just out of sheer human compassion but I think with her even 10 years ago the elevator doesn’t quite go to the top and I think since the disease she’s becoming mentally worse. The battery on her car died two or three days ago and I watched her yesterday and she went into the car to try to start it now there’s something wrong there if need be if it gets worse although I hate to do it I could reach out to APS.Have a wonderful weekend and thank you for responding

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"I'm so sorry, but I can't possibly help you today, I have other plans."

I agree with calling APS; this woman should not be alone.

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Next time she calls you tell her that you are unavailable at the moment.
If there are days or a day in the week that you can set aside to help her, then tell her so. Say .."Mary, I can help you out on Monday and Thursday from 9am until 3:30pm. If she needs help out side of that time frame she can hire someone.
If you do not think she is taking care of herself other than when you are available you can report her to the Elder Abuse hotline in your State. (Self neglect is reportable) Or you can report her to APS.
If it has also gotten to the point where you can no longer safely help her tell her that you are unable to continue helping her and that she need to hire someone.
(By the way if you do want to continue I think she should be paying you)

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Hello grandma 1954 thanks for getting back to me I’m going to have to set boundaries with her and if boundaries are not convenient for her then I’m gonna have to let the situation go I am moving from this condo in September and I think that may have started the problem but I can’t be here for her all the timeIf she decides to go off of home hospice for the second time around then I may have to really consider calling APS or elder care. Again thank you so much for your input it is so appreciated have a wonderful weekend

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You just tell her you have your own family with your own priorities, and you’re very sorry but they come first.

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Hey Peggy Sue I can tell that to her I’ve already told that to her but then she wants to know my entire itinerary I just had my kids come visit from New York and she’s asking me how long are they staying what day are they staying until what time are they leaving I don’t wanna think about my kids leaving when they just got here. I can’t believe in wanting to help her out how this is just a bottomless pit of one problem on top of the other. I am moving in September next month so I only have a short time to have to do whatever I need to do or do whatever I won’t be doing for her basically it’ll be her decision. Thank you so much for getting back to me everybody has been so kind with their information and feels like I’m getting a virtual hug from everybodyThank you again and have a wonderful weekend

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What do I do now? Need to set boundaries with my elderly neighbor.

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