Husband passed away last month after 9 years of Alzheimer’s. My life was surrounded by him as I was determined not to put him in a nursing home. Now I feel lonely and not know what to do with my extra time. I go to the gym five days a week but when I come home I am very lonely. I also feel I did not do enough for him which I know I did but can’t shake the feeling.
Going to the gym often is part of your recovery process. I'm pleased to read you are doing that, but it's only part of resuming your life. Having lost your husband only last month, tells me you are in the early stages of grieving. You might already realize that you have to create a new life, one that is solely yours. You will eventually work through your grief as you accept his death and reinvent your own life.- it's a process that may take a few years. Accept and express all the emotions that come with grieving.
You will get some ideas for occupying your time from other forum members, but in the end you'll have to choose what you do. Now, however, you don't know what that will be. Thomas Merton said,
I have no idea where I'm going,
I do not see the road ahead of me,
I cannot know for certain
Where it will end.
Your marriage had a big impact on who you are today. Your choices now, will determine who you want to be.
I suggest reading "Getting to the Other Side of Grief, Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse".
Be easy on yourself. Rest. Perhaps seek out a widow's support group so you can find support from those who know exactly what you're going through. They, likely more than anyone, can support you while your mind rests and resets to focus on you and your needs and wants.
Don't let that guilt get inside your mind and heart! You don't deserve that! Find a mantra and tell yourself several times a day that you did great for your husband.
Gently reacquaint yourself with hobbies or interests that you had to set aside to focus on your husband. Slowly, you'll see things more clearly, that you may not feel so alone, but free to pursue all that you want. Big hug to you, Sheila.