What do you do about parents lying to their doctors?

My father always lied to his doctor about his daily alcohol consumption. He would bing every day and then stop for a week using it as proof he could quit anytime he wanted.

Of course not one of us for fear we would set the record straight

I would call his Doctor and give him a heads up mostly so he could draw important blood tests and other tests for surveillance of liver disease, kidney failure, Diabetes and other effects of alcohol abuse Then the doctor has “guilty knowledge “ and then has to investigate the effects of alcohol abuse. It preserved my relationship with my father.

Not2Easy: Perhaps some physicians may be on to the patient's fabrication via their lab values and other things.

I attend my husband’s MD appointments. When he is not completely candid, I immediately clarify. It was awkward the first time, but so be it. Doctors cannot help if they’re being misled

He's not the only one who lies to doctors. People often want to appear to be better than they are, and don't want to admit that they don't exercise, cheat on their diet, are more forgetful than ususual, etc. Accompany him as often as you can so that you know what he's saying to the doctor. I think it's best not to contradict people in the doctor's office, but if you can, mention things that you have observed that you think the doctor should know about. Has he fallen recently, are there pains...If you cannot accompany him, speak with the doctor before or after the visit to give them your observations. Make sure that you have POA and that all of his paperwork is in order. He needs to set up Powers of Attorney (POA) for medical and financial matters so that you can speak on his behalf if/when needed. He also needs a living will with his advance medical directives and a will, if he has assets. If you are not his medical POA, he can sign a form that designates you as someone who can speak on his behalf. Medicare and Social Security and financial institutions also require his permission for you to speak on his behalf. With Medicare and Social Security, you can do it with a phone call, with him sitting next to you to agree verbally.

* Telling them once or numerous times isn't going to change the situation.

- Understand that they are re-acting out of fear of change and losing independence - and what this will (eventually) mean to them, i.e., deteriorating health, needing more care/givers, relocation-moving, At the least or most - SOME KIND OF CHANGE. Older people in decline (or not) do not want to change.

- When you understand their motivation, you can express compassion and understanding (not acceptance of their behavior (i.e., not sharing the truth with their MDs or others). You can talk to them about their fears of change - without judgment. Offer reflective listening, i.e., "I hear you saying XXX" - this gives them an opportunity to get their feelings out and share, and know it is okay to feel scared and it is okay to share with you how they feel.

- Do take time to listen to their needs, without judgment or confrontation.

- The goal is to give them space to freely talk about how they feel.

- The more you try to change them the more they will resist. It can be a tricky situation although take a step at a time.

You, too, be vulnerable / self-disclose how YOU feel. i.e., say "I feel scared at times when I ... xxx or when XXX happens . . . (When are the times when you) / Are there times when you feel scared, too?"

Medical Providers / Chart _____________________________

1) I would recommend that you put your concerns in writing to each medical provider so it is in your parents' chart 'on the first page.'

2) Ensure that paperwork in done re their medical records / chart giving you the legal right / authority to be informed, and as possible - a part of decision making of their heatlhcare (would mean a diagnosis of dementia).

Keep a journal of medical / cognitive changes. This kind of ongoing dated information is very helpful to MDs/providers. [I did / do this all the time with my clients: track changes.]

You need to be able to
1) talk to their medical providers (legally);
2) be with them during appts.
3) As you can, ask the medical providers to ONLY speak to your parents on the phone when you are also there. This needs to be in their chart, otherwise it sounds like a revolving door of mis-truths and likely / possibly mis-diagnoses, and VERY IMPORTANT: follow-up care.

In m own experience (w a client), I accompanied her into an exam and she lied about how much alcohol she was drinking daily. As this woman is an alcoholic, she certainly didn't want to share the truth. Drinking as she was could result in serious medical consequences due to falls, breaking bones, etc., and poor decision making, esp if dementia is involved.

It is not unusual that older people will lie to medical providers due to wanting to maintain the status quo of their life / lives. In some ways, we all want that - no or minimal day-to-day upsets or changes. We have enough stressors just surviving. No one wants to add 'more changes' to an already challenging or overwhelming life. Still, it is for their benefit to ensure they are getting the health/care they need which ultimately depends on how they speak to medical professionals, and to you.

None of this is easy. It is a process of learning as one goes.

Get the support YOU need to keep going. Take respites, try to eat healthier than not, get enough sleep and exercise. And, know I'll take my own advice and do my own PT exercises.

Gena / Touch Matters

I'm impressed your Dad is able to talk to the doctor's offices on the phone.

I live 1600 miles from my brother when he was having significant memory problems. We needed a diagnosis—was it early onset dementia? Shortly before he had insurance (Medicaid) lined up and an appointment set with a neurologist, I sent an email to the doctor detailing the memory problems he was having. When my niece took him to the neurologist the doctor spent ten minutes with them. He already had the picture of the problems. He didn’t ask many questions of my brother. From there he ordered an MRI to make a diagnosis. Ultimately he was diagnosed with a massive brain tumor—glioblastoma. In this case letting the doctor know what was going on before the appointment made a huge difference.

My dad had ALS. He would sit in his wheelchair and deny every symptom. I’d stand behind him nodding my head yes or no to the doctor’s questions .
Most doctors probed further and he would slowly open up.

I have a similar situation with my Mom (86 years old, retired nurse practitioner, LBD). At her doctor's appointment, she is never forthecoming about what is going on with her, or she makes up things that are totally not happening. I am so grateful for the patient portal! Before every visit, I send a message with anything new that is happening. I can't go to every appointment with her, so the portal is a wonderful tool. When I am at her appointments, her doctor asks her questions, then looks to me for confirmation. The portal is also a great way to bring up things that might otherwise upset, embarass, or anger Mom if I were to bring it up in person.
Best wishes to you!

My mom pulls the same stuff. I have decided not to upset myself anymore as I am on the brink of burning out. If she doesn’t want to exercise, eat properly or regularly or even sleep properly, don’t care anymore. Tired of being played by her, but she has always been like this

Unfortunately, you're doing all you can do.... attend as many appointments as you can but.... I would call the doctor after every appointment I missed. I've found the best way, and most preferred by doctors, is to communicate with them through the patient portal.

Here’s the thing. Doctors and nurses can be very insightful when a client / patient is not forthcoming. These same people come to the doctor, ER etc but when they go home, they do what they want or can afford and this is loads of people, not just the elderly. I often wonder why people even go to the doctor . I am a retired RN and Nurse Anesthetist of 38 years.

I worked in one small hospital that serviced primarily Latinos who spoke no English.
They consistently denied any health problems . What you conclude is they just never went to a doctor , its obvious. Not picking on Latinos, just my experiences. At some point , you realize people exert their own will and follow an ingrained belief system .

It wasn't a parent, but my late husband. He saw either his neurologist or the neurologist's nurse practitioner every six months. But since this was an academic medical center, he also had detailed cognitive testing at these appointments. A graduate student took him to another room for the testing. Then I could tell the neurologist or nurse practitioner what was really going on. I was also there for every appointment with his family practice doctor. I'd stand behind him so I could shake my head "no" if he lied to the doctor.

You seem stuck here. A helicoptering child will just end up with sleepless nights. Patient's concept of health is their choice. If your parents were in memory care and refusing medicines or food, they still cannot be forced. This is a frequent conundrum with many forum posters when parents are in a facility. You might have to accept that your parent's concept of quality of life differs from yours.

Doctors cannot call their patients "Liar!" They will not tell their patients "I know you're lying because your lab values are terrible." If a patient chooses to not tell the truth, most doctors just go with it. What else do you expect when they get 3 minutes with each patient? It's not the doctor's responsibility to care more about a patient's health than the patient does. Most people who are old, sedentary, and love their junk foods are not going to change. Does your father want to change? Or are you trying to force change upon him?

My mother has always lied to the doctors, she will be 99 in February, guess it didn't matter did it?

My step-mother who has dementia doesn't have a clue so I write an outline and give it to the doctor either before or when I get there with her.

I would do that with your parents and leave it at that.

Hopefully someone is their DPOA, so they can step in when necessary.

Not2easy, you are doing the right thing by letting them know what's going on. But like someone said they have heard these lies before.
I go with my Mom to her appts. I take her to them. There isn't a lot they can do for them at this point. My Mom tells the tall tales also.
I haven't yet but next visit I be handing over a note about things are being done or not done in between visits. Hoping Mom will be able to get a few more weeks of PT. I fear the immobility part of this so called journey. I know it's coming, though.
My best thoughts to you.

My father has fallen multiple times. Think he has told any of the doctors that?

One final comment...

Is your angst over this situation less about your parents lying to their doctors and more about your parents' unwillingness - at least as far as you can see - to keep themselves as healthy and fit as possible? If so, that is an understandable and justified frustration, especially due to the fact that they live with you, and presumably the bulk of the caregiving responsibilities falls/will fall onto your shoulders.

If that's the case, there is nothing wrong with telling your parents some hard truths: "mom, dad, ever heard the expression 'use it or lose it'? Because if you lose too much, we're going to have to have a serious conversation about just how far and how much caregiving I am able and willing to do. For example, if you end up in a wheelchair, this house isn't equipped for that. I am not strong enough to help you in and out of bed/bathtub/toilet. If it gets to that point, we are going to have to consider at least an assisted living facility." or some such version of that conversation. There is nothing wrong with laying your cards on the table, rather than wishing mom and dad would get with "the program" and make themselves as fit as they can out of respect and consideration for YOU.

Chances are, your parents have never really considered the "what ifs?" scenarios, at least not since they have moved in with you. It seems to me, the longer a parent lives with an adult child, the less those thoughts seem to come under consideration in their minds - or at least, that's what I saw happen with my mom. Every once in a while, I had to remind her that if something were to happen to me, she would have to figure out what to do then. When Covid was in full swing with no vaccine yet and no real treatment options, she once said to me (after chiding me about not going to the grocery store more than once a week) "oh, well I don't care if I get Covid." And I told her "That's great mom, but *** I *** don't want to get Covid. Besides, what would YOU do if I and all my family got it? We would be in quarantine and wouldn't be allowed to go near you. What would you do then?" She really had no good answer to give, because there really was no good solution at that point. But it got her thinking that there was more to the equation to consider that just HER getting sick, she had to take into consideration MY health as well, because my being able to take care of her would be directly related to my own health.

That's also something to remind your parents of. That your ability - never mind your willingness - to caretake for them is directly affected by your well-being. And their seeming disregard for their health also directly affects YOU, because you are likely going to be the one to deal with whatever fallout occurs.

How old are mom and dad, and what health issues do they have?

In my very humble opinion, if they are in "reasonable" health as you describe, and they are lying about the amount of exercise they do, or what they eat, then leave it. I mean, really, if your parents are in their 80's, for instance, then what the heck does the doctor really care about their every day diet at this point? Unless one or the other is suffering from, say, congestive heart failure and they are eating loads of salt, which is contributing to edema, which is leading to ER visits/hospital admissions, then I think maybe just leave it be. Sometimes doctors just give the rote speech about diet and exercise without considering the age of their patient, their ability and willingness to watch their diet and/or exercise, and just how beneficial that will actually be at whatever age that patient is.

When my mom had CHF, she had doctors at the hospital telling her she should exercise more! It was actually one of her PT's in rehab that just rolled her eyes and told mom "Oh, they always say that. Then we have to tell the patient and family that it might be more dangerous for the patient to exercise because of the likelihood of falls or threat of stroke or something of that nature."

Now, if mom or dad are lying about something more significant, such as "yes, I can always remember where I live when I go out of the house" or "yes, or course I remember to turn off the flames on the stove when I cook" or "yes, I always take my medication exactly as prescribed and don't over/under-dose myself" then that's an entirely different story, and one where you should absolutely intervene and let the doctor know what exactly is going on.

But for the sake of a few more Hostess Ring Dings and a few less sit-ups? I would let it go. Much like raising children, when you are taking care of aging parents you need to pick your battles and decide which hills you're willing to die on.

Has he sett up a Patient Portal with his doctors?
If not you could set one up and communicate concerns that way.
HOWEVER if you are not listed on HIPAA forms as a person they can share information with they can not legally discuss things with you. They CAN take the info and sue that though.
If your dad has already set up the Portal you could ask him for access and send the doctors notes.
If he does not want you doing this you can send a letter. Like write it out and put it in the mail or drop it off. You can not email since that would not be "secure". A call might work, someone would take a message and relay it to the medical team.

Another however....
If your dad/parents are cognizant they are aware that not informing the doctors of current conditions is not in their best interest. there is not much you can do. It is their choice to keep the doctors uninformed.
If they are not cognizant then someone should be with them at every appointment. So that correct information is relayed to the doctors and you are aware of the information the doctors say to them.
I do hope someone is POA for Health and Finances

Is it possible your Father has cognitive/memory impairment and believes what he is saying is the truth? Sometimes people with mild dementia/memory impair will give an answer rather than say, "I don't know" or "I don't remember".

Has your Father assigned you as his Medical Representative? This is a HIPAA form that you request at the doctor's office and they keep on file. This allows the medical staff to legally discuss your Father's private medical information with out him being present or providing any further approval. Every doctor or clinic needs its own signed form and you have to sign one every year.

Then this will also allow you to *give* actionable information to your Father's doctor as well.

The portal may be an option but if you're not your Father's MPoA or MR you shouldn't be discussing things with his doctor... but I totally understand your concern.

Either try to gain access to your fathers patient portal, and you can message his doctors that way, or next time you go with him to the doctor, hand his nurse a letter from you telling what is all going on and ask her to give it to the doctor before your father is called back. That way the doctor will know exactly what is going on and be better prepared to ask you father the correct questions.
I used the patient portal all the time for my late husband and his doctors always said how much they appreciated me doing that.

I agree, I think Doctors are used to their patients telling little fibs. I do think if Dad and Mom have not had a good physical in a while, they need one to get labs done. As said, labs don't lie.

I'm thinking, doctors are use to that, and know when someone is lieing. Blood work doesn't lie, so I'd let it go.

I agree with the comment that the relationship between a person and their doctor is their relationship and not yours. However, if you are concerned about the status of your parents' health, maybe an in-person visit, rather than a phone conference would be beneficial. Face-to-face and some lab work to determine high cholesterol levels, etc., will belay any inaccurate dietary/exercise claims being made. I don't say this to help you to be deceptive or deceitful, but from concern that their physicians aren't receiving a complete picture from a phone conference. It is still up to them whether or not they follow their doctors' advice, and you'll have to accept that until they reach a point where they are deemed incapable of making those decisions for themselves. It will be hard. Good luck to all of you.

You can mail a letter to the doc, listing the truth about your father.

Unless your father has given the doc permission to, they can’t discuss info with you, but nothing can stop them from reading your letter.

A person's relationship with his or her own doctor is sacrosanct unless that person is impaired mentally and you are his or her guardian or POA.

How about this? How about you are talking to your doc and I overhear it and think you fudged your good eating habits a bit. Omitted a few episodes of extra large pizza and Trader Joe's Old Fashioned Potato Chips? How about I call your doctor and say you just lied to him or her and I saw you eating blah blah.

I think that you should examine the amount of enmeshment in your parent's private lives that you have sneaking up here. Just take a solid look at it. You have not now become the parent. I say this as an 81 year old with a 61 year old daughter, who--while she is a wise woman for certain--is not now my keeper. Not YET my keeper.
If I want to fib to my doc that's on ME. If I don't exercise or eat right or if I listen to too many true crime podcasts that still remains MY BUSINESS. Not hers.

The sad day may come if I am forced to live so long, that I will be quite dotty and my daughter will NEED to speak to my caregivers, need to put into active duty the POA ready for her, NEED to get me placement in care, etc. We both know that. And we both talk together about it. Both fear and dread it. Both hope I DIE first. But that's not within our control unless we go to plan B.

I will repeat. WE TALK TOGETHER, my daughter and I.
She doesn't call my MD. She talks with ME. I don't call her MD either now she is a grown up. I TALK to her. And we discuss it ONCE. We don't badger one another.

Honestly, I say this as respectfully as I can, it isn't your business. You can give advice. But the day may come when your parent tells you "enough advice". And it isn't your business YET. They will make their own decisions. The time comes soon enough when they cannot.

As I said. Examine it. It isn't easy. When things descend into a demented person able to confabulate enough to visit the MD (and this is rare) without getting "caught" into the trap of "Can you draw me a clock set at 11:10", you may need to call the doctor to discuss the level of forgetfulness, wandering, the hazards, when you act. A confusing and difficult time, that I suspect is not yet here for you.

I worry also at the amount of caregiving you are taking on. Have an honest talk with your folks about their plans. Let them know it may become too much for you, and the time to think about a move to independent living, etc may be more near than either of you like.

Good luck. None of this is easy to be certain. Just some things to think about above. You can ignore me. So many people do and live quite nicely, hee hee.