I took care of our Mother in my home for 8 years, with a sitter while I worked a full time job. Siblings only stopped by when they had nothing else to do. All at my expense, no problem!
My oldest sister is 80 and was living in assisted living, a bad situation. She agreed that she wanted to move in with me, I had plenty of room. I visited her every day the year at AL, other sister visited 3 times in a year.
My son (my only child) lives with me since my husband passed a few years ago.
My health is actually worse than my sisters and I’m 78 years old. The youngest sister is not a hands on person, for no one! I’m the middle girl!We made the move, putting her things in storage, that she didn’t need. The other sister insisted on taking everything to Goodwill, but all her furniture are beautiful antiques. I was the one having to do all the work so I stored them.
After a few weeks, with me getting only 3 hours of sleep each night, things started changing. She became verbally abusive, throwing her plate of food at me during meal time, getting up during the night to cook or wash clothes. She would turn the stove on and go back to bed.
I had to lock all medication up because she would take anything she could find. She would run into my fur babies with her walker…you don’t mistreat my animals!
She was verbally abusive to my son…just horrible. She would put her wet diapers anywhere, hide them! My son would always take them to the outside waste bin when he was aware of the need.
Finally, dealing with my illnesses my doctor ordered me to bedrest to get off my feet and legs. That was impossible!I was allergic to the Pfizer Covid-19 Vaccines and Booster in 2021 so I have many side effects that I have/am dealing with. I also have Asthma and CLL. So, her health is much better than mine. Her main problem is she falls too often to live alone.
The ending came in October of this year. She fell 3 times in 2 days, calling EMS to transport her. She was getting her diabetic insulin out of the refrigerator and taking it without testing sugar. I’m the one in charge of meds but she was doing this at night. I would find her insulin in her bedroom after the fact. The last call for help, she was admitted for 3 weeks. I told my youngest sister that I could no longer take care of the older sister. My doctors were beginning to get concerned with my health and my Primary Doctor told me that he did not approve of me being a caregiver. He said I was the one who needed someone helping me.
Now, my older sister is in a nursing home, arranged by the younger one. Neither are speaking to me! They rarely answer a text, if they answer it’s with one or two words.
I invited both to meet me for lunch last week for the youngest sister’s birthday. I had a nice gift, like always and paid for the meals. Birthday tradition! Worst birthday luncheon I’ve ever experienced!
My heart is broken!
When our Mother died, everyone nominated me to be the Family Manager…an impossible position to fulfill! Mother’s last words to me were “Please keep the family together.” That is another impossible task!
My Mother died in my home while my husband and I held her hands and I held her close while my husband was praying. One month later my husband was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma and I was his full time Caregiver for the next 4 years.
I’m not patting myself on the back and certainly not asking for sympathy from anyone. I’m just hurting inside!
I’m sitting at my breakfast table at 11:31 AM, it’s still 44 degrees outside and I’m still in my PJ’s. I’ve been up since 5:30 when my son left for work. I’m usually dressed by 7:00, with makeup and the works. I haven’t slept in 2 nights because of the pain in my legs (muscle disease from Pfizer) and because I miss the phone calls, text, and visits with my sisters.
I just feel lost in a world that I’m usually very active in. How do I manage these long winter days without my sisters. But I’m tired of being taken advantage!
You have done enough. You cared for a mother and husband. You have a right to sit back and enjoy what life you have left. Your sisters are showing no empathy for your health problems. Maybe mad because you can no longer do for them. They expected you to always be there for them. I will bet your a people pleaser and you get nothing back for that. Not that we should expect but a little something saying "thank you for all you do" would be nice. Have your sisters ever taken you out to lunch. Here's a quote from Jamie Curtis I wrote down...
"People aren't pleased when you stop People Pleasing"
Its not you, its them. They have relied on you way too long. Your are old too. Hate to say it but at 76 I have to keep telling myself when people see me they see an old lady. Do people hold the door for me because they are being courteous or they see an older lady. I am sure the small kids next door see an old lady. Your sisters need to realize that you have health problems that now keep you from doing for them. They are selfish if they don't see that. Continue to send them cards for special occasions but realize, we don't always get back what we give. I am a giver and will continue to be so because it makes me happy, but it would really be nice if once in a while I got back.
You've spent years and years doing everything for others. Now, do for yourself! You are worthy, and you deserve it! Are there old friends who you haven't had time to get together with because of all the caregiving? Get in touch with them and catch up. Or join a group or two that you're interested in to meet some new friends. Go to movies or museums or concerts, even if by yourself. Get medical massages to help with your leg pains. Schedule some physical therapy. Or take a water exercise class for seniors. Volunteer for something you care about. Maybe even a cruise for seniors?
Maybe a low dose of an antidepressant would help. Just think of things you would enjoy that you haven't been able to do, and start doing them. Let us know how it goes, and how you're doing.
You had a routine, now you are free to change it, even stay in your p.j.'s
all day. You need some time to heal; and adjust to your new role whatever you find that to be. Whatever you enjoy is open.
In fact, you can return to bed and put a heating pad on your legs. Catch a few more hours of rest. Then, a bath or warm shower will also help your leg pain.
It is in no way your responsibility to keep the family together. At the same time, estrangement from family, especially sisters, can bring a heartache that prevents you from getting well. So you will need to try extra hard to accept they are not speaking to you at this time. Let them miss you awhile, and remember the phone works both ways.
You can and will be active again, it may be in your best interest to find some new friends who know that giving is reciprocal in any relationship. Your gifts this year can go to others who may be more grateful to have them. If there is something you have wanted or needed for a long time for yourself, get that for yourself.
That is what you do.
What you feel about it all can change, over time. I get that you are tired of being taken advantage of and are feeling alone. Stand your ground, stop offering yourself.
Connect with some online exercises and later go to a group exercise class at your nearest senior center. Your feelings will follow your body as you get out more and more in the coming New Year.
In the meantime, start a homemade soup that your son might like if he returns home after work. Recipes can be yours, or many winter soups are online. Freeze what you don't use.
Apologies if nothing I have offered is helpful to you.
You will find solutions of your own soon. It may take some time to understand what has happened to you, and know it is not your fault. You gave and gave, and now it is your time.
"No one" is speaking to you?
I have learned in cognitive therapy that this could be "all or nothing thinking".
Is there anyone speaking to you? How about your son?
Now for some brainstorming for yourself: Do you have old friends that you haven't seen for a long time due to all your caregiving? Look them up and have phone conversations, which could lead to shared activities. Is there anyone in your neighborhood who looks like they might be fun and interesting? Call and invite them over for a chat.
It's up to you, isn't it? Good luck!
I hope that you have good friends to take up some of the slack. If not you may consider, if there is one, attending a local senior center to find companionship. One near me serves free or pay-what-you-can lunch, blood pressure checks for free, games for those who wish to spend the afternoon playing, watching movies on TV or chatting. I hope you will find the same nearby.
If you are a believer, and have a church I would see your pastor about programs.
Try your local library. Mine not only has reading clubs, but knitting groups.
This isn't uncommon, your loneliness, and if it is an option you may consider gathering finances and assets and checking out local ALF. There is a lot opportunity for companionship there. I wish you the best.
Your life is all yours now and you can create a new one. Leisurely cup of ciffee after breakfast, perhaps you can call 1 person each day, connecting with frienfs, old classmates neighbores. For me, I started volunteering, met wonderful caring people. And we keep in touch in between . Ask at some point, near end if the volunteer project if they would like to meet for coffee. From there, the other person might say no but how about lunch. Some churches have homebound parishers who would enjoy a call. Prayers.
Give yourself permission, to cut them out! Once they realize you won’t be their punching bag anymore. They’ll get the hint! My heart goes out to you. You need someone to support you.
you could write them a letter and say how you feel
i am writing this letter because you have distanced yourself from me and I seriously don’t know what I’ve done to upset you
I am reaching out one final time
if you want to contact me my doors are open
if not I wish you well and goodbye
—
loom up local churches/libraries and find groups you can mix with
no point in contact if people are just toxic towards you
time to get involved with others
I have a work friend who’s brothers behaved disgustingly towards her and left her to look after a sick mother and father
she developed health issues
eventually she just disowned them and switched off really hurt
they came back being reasonable
It’s not ideal but you deserve to be treated with respect abd if they can’t do that
bye bye
You have been working to keep the family together. Sometimes family members don't want to be together.
I don't have any siblings, and I can't offer any advice on how to improve your relationship with them or how to get them to recognize you.
Have you told your sisters how you feel? If you haven't, then try it. Tell them how hurt and alone you feel after doing so much for others. Ask them to please be there for you now, when you are in need of help.
You can't make people treat you the way you want. If they are not responding to you in the way you would like, then let them go. Find friends in your community. Church, a Senior Center, or call the Area Agency on Aging and ask if they know of any volunteer services to provide companion care.
Also, keep in touch with us here :)
My next door neighbor is 78 years old and is active in a lot of groups:
church activities, historical house museum meetings, she is on the graveyard board and has meetings with that group once a month, she goes to physical therapy 4x per week and she drives around town to pay her bills each month.
He went to some of the lunches. They had daily lunches which were really popular.
I went to the senior exercise classes and also senior yoga.
They also had bus tours to the lavender farm and into the National park.
I met some really nice ladies at the senior center.
Some of the most interesting people me met through church in Montana. Our church had a luncheon once a month immediately following services. We met rancher women, cowboys, adults who had grown up in mining camps etc. It was fascinating.
Try new activities, be open minded, meet new friends.
They also had interesting lectures and games.
With luck, things will settle down. Just wait!
I read your post and could relate to many situations and feelings you are experiencing.
I’m the oldest of 3 adult sisters and am the only one involved in the day-to-day caregiving of our parents. Mom has physical challenges and is caregiver for dad with Parkinson’s.
I have time, availability and proximity to help care for my parents and I prioritize it.
One sister lives 2 hours away and is relieved she’s off the hook in taking care of our parents.
The other sister has younger kids, a big career and lives about 45 minutes away. She wants to be in-the-know about my parents and be able to control and make judgments from afar, but is not involved in day-to-day with elderly parents. Part of it is circumstantial and part of it is her choice to keep at arms’ length.
My mother also sees me as the one to “keep the family together,” but honestly, my sisters have their own families which they prioritize and that’s how it should be. My sisters both have children and don’t even make an effort to keep their own kids in relationship with each other, so I no longer feel guilt about my mom’s worry and perceptions about keeping the family together.
It sounds like you HAVE kept the family together with what you were able to do and with what your sisters were able to do. You’ve done your job within the situational confines of what you had to work with.
Do your sisters have children? Where are they in this scenario? Do they visit and help take care or make decisions? Do you have relationships with nieces and nephews? I’d focus on the next generation if you’re able to and if it’s practical. Create opportunities for the nieces, nephews and grands to gather and be involved with each other. Get your son’s help coordinating.
Your older sister has more issues than you can handle or manage and thank God she’s in a place getting the most appropriate care possible for her condition. She’s not able to be with the family but you’re keeping her safe.
I understand the vacuum that’s created after so much exhaustion and activity caring for others and you need time to recover physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. You’re also grieving these losses, as well as trying to make sense of the expectations your mom set for you and you set for yourself. We’re always hardest on ourselves. You’re also in poor health which adds to the burden and makes it more challenging to move forward.
Writing posts like these and seeking support from others is a great way to help gain perspective and I’m proud of you for reaching out for help with this question and the situation you find yourself in.
The small steps you can take to begin crawling out of this hole will begin to compound and bring you toward the light.
There is no way to forget the past but you can begin to create a beautiful new future for yourself which you probably can’t even envision or imagine right now.
Things I have done and helped others in similar situations do to come out of places of loneliness and darkness are:
-Get on an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety and sleep aid. After a month or so, you will feel more rested and your mood will be a little less heavy
-I don’t know your particular health situation, so please don’t take this as medical advice, but I’ve seen wonderful results with overweight people using Tirzepatide to help lose weight and fight inflammation. It also helps with self esteem and motivation
-Sign up locally for “sip and paint” nights. They provide wine, an art teacher and all materials. Most people think it’s silly or they don’t have artistic talent, but it’s a skill that can be developed. I’ve brought people with me and we’ve had fun, been challenged, sparked new hobbies, created inspiration and developed new friendships.
-Order paints, brushes and canvases online and began to follow Bob Ross on Prime one episode at a time. It’s so satisfying!
- Take a vacation! Change your scenery. Senior bus tour maybe to start?
I’m out of space to type now! :)
No one can 'taken advantage' of another unless you allow it.
Yes, I understand you feel lost in a world ... and this is what a therapist can help you understand and process through.
You teach people have to treat you.
Sounds like you need to value yourself and learn to set boundaries.
If you do not stand up for yourself, others may disrespect you and take advantage of you. It will help you to understand your own decision-making / behaviors.
When I read "... had a nice gift, like always and paid for the meals." I wonder why did / are you doing this? Give gifts???? Pay for meals??? WHY??? Ask yourself why - discuss this in therapy.
Often when a child is abused, they cling or move closer to the abuser (no one else to depend on). While I do not know the dynamics of your youth / family dynamics, it sounds like you desperately need(ed) approval of your sisters - no matter what - over valuing yourself.
When you value yourself, you learn to set boundaries and do not allow others to disrespect you. Self-esteem, self-worth - these are difficult areas to develop, especially as one ages. Its hard enough to do when one is younger (I've been working on myself for over 50 years).
I encourage you:
* to NOT have expectations of others (this is very easy to say and very difficult to do, esp when you want the approval, relationship with your sisters). However, if you continue to be in the 'I want' mode, you will continue to suffer the feelings of loss.
* set boundaries.
* learn what you enjoy doing / can do and do it
* be with your grief.
* As you say, you manage these "long winter days" by being present, allow the grief to flow through you, while hopefully have a friend or church members / some support to help you through these difficult times.
* Most of all, you learn to love yourself taking a step at a time.
Consider googling RICK HANSON, PH.D., and taking some of his on-line courses. He is an expert on the brain (wrote BUDDHA BRAIN) as well as a Buddhist scholar.
He offers a free Wed 5:45pm Zoom every week, commencing 1/7/26.
I've been participating in several of his offerings for over three years.
He'll give scholarships as needed.
You need support (we all do). The trick is deciding what we need and how to get it. It is a process. Be kind to yourself through the process. Write us here as you need to.
Gena / Touch Matters