What do you do when you start becoming resentful for having your mom in your home?

Many assisted living facilities allow dogs.

If mom has the funds to pay for AL, getting a Senior Housing Advisor or registering with a place like A Place For Mom can be a good way to get someone else to do the legwork to find places that will accept animals.

How old are the dogs?

I have not found any AS that allow dogs. Her dogs are both less than 10 lbs.

It may well be devastating to your mom to give up her dogs.

You matter, too.

As you know MM is a hard diagnosis. It can limit the time YOU have left on this earth. Should you be a prisoner in your home because of dogs?

AL can provide things that may fill in that empty spot that the dogs leave. Friends. Activities. Neither of which YOU have time for now, as a prisoner in your home.

Your mom has lived her life. She could live another 10 years. Do those 10 years have to be lived as a captive?

Stress kills. Some caregivers die before their loved ones.

Consider placement. Then, you can enjoy your life, and go back to being a daughter, and a visitor to your Mom.

Best wishes to you.

Having someone into your home,, they would not be doing nothing,, they would be giving you a break to go golf and be outside! You deserve this, so don;t look it at as nothing,, you deserve it for your mental health!

ALs only allow animals IF the resident can care for them. That would mean walking and feeding them. Not a staff members responsibility. But I think that would be your best choice.

Just curious and u don't have to answer...but since Mom is 90 her sister must be up there too? Who thought that she could care for ur mother?

If having her living with you is what you’ve decided will be, definitely have a helper come in. My dad was very concerned that someone coming in would have nothing to do. Instead she was busy all the time, meal prep, taking him on errands and to appointments, reading to him, the list goes on. It’s was a great blessing to all of us

I’m sure it varies by place and facility but maybe someone could be hired to walk the dogs so she could have them at an AL that allows them? My answer to your original question is, you don’t keep her living in your home. Just because the original plan for her didn’t work out and no one else is ready or willing to have her move in doesn’t mean the best thing for any of you is for her to stay in what was to be a temporary situation, even if it ends up meaning her dogs can’t live with her. But I wouldn’t take that as a given and she just might be far happier “on her own” again too so I would urge you to do more leg work in fining out the options for her in the area, talk to people who do this in the area, she can’t be the only elder in your area that has beloved animals who keep her happy.

I found a caregiver who comes in from 10-5, Wed-Sat. When interviewing, I made it clear that I was not only looking for a caregiver for my mother (93 w/vascular dementia), but someone to help with housekeeping and other chores. I work from home, so it was a blessing to find someone willing to care for my mom while I worked AND who would help me keep up the house. It's been almost a year, and that was the one of the best decisions I've ever made. My mom loves the caregiver, and I am much more relaxed knowing that my mom (and house!) are well cared for. If I need to run out for an appointment, go to the pharmacy, or even take a break and take my dog for a walk, I can do that without worry. Are there times when my caregiver is idle? Sure. But there are also times where she will start dinner, stay later/come earlier, and take care of my pets. So for us it works out, and a bit of idle time is a small price to pay for peace of mind. Sending hugs....

dear neeres

Get caregiver assistance; go to counseling; ask your mother lots of questions and record her because, if she was a good mother, you would want to share these memories.

The Assisted Living place my mother lives at accepts dogs. It's like a nice hotel and a great place for elders to socialize and participate in activities. Don't look for reasons your mother 'can't' live in AL, but for reasons she CAN. Living with resentment isn't good for either of you. Feeling that an elder 'must' live with a family member is outdated thinking, really, and doesn't wind up benefitting anyone, in most cases.

I made the decision long ago that no elders would be living in my home, and I've stuck to my guns. I saw how it wrecked all the relationships in our home to have my grandmother living with us when I was a child, and vowed to never repeat that fiasco as an adult in my own home.

If you hire a caregiver to come into your home, your mother would be paying for it, number 1. Number 2, that person wouldn't be 'sitting around' but would be doing light housekeeping and tending to your mother's needs. Which would allow YOU to get OUT of the house and go golfing or do something you'd like to do. Whatever the cost, it's cheap at the price, and should be done on a regular basis several times a week at a bare minimum if you refuse to get her into Assisted Living.

Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a plan to make YOUR life more enjoyable and less resentful

Some assisted living facilities allow pets.

The facilities here allow volunteers to bring animals for the residents to enjoy spending time with. They love their furry friends!

If an assisted living facility isn’t an option please look into private or agency caregivers so you can have time for yourself.

There are places that allow pets. My mother's facility was IL/AL/MC and even allowed pets in the MC area. If you enter a search for Assisted Living that accept pets, you may find some. They may be further away than local ones, but it would be better than nothing. While some ALs may require the person be able to provide the pet care, others might provide assistance, for a fee of course! Another option is to hire a pet sitting service. My son worked for one for a while. They don't need to be there all day every day. You schedule their time to meet the needs - take them for a walk and doing their "business" several times/day, ensure they are fed, etc.

At 70 years old, even without your own medical issues, it is a difficult job to care for an elder, esp with dementia. The dementia will only get worse, not better. That will require more and more of your time. It would be best to find a place for her that will allow the dogs. At some point, as she regresses, you may need to remove the dogs from her care. She will begin to forget about them and what they need. That isn't fair to the dogs either. If/when that time comes, there are some nice robotic pets that might fill the void. One resident in mom's MC had a stuffed dog that she treated like the real thing.

Find a good place. Let them do the hands on and allow yourself time to enjoy your life too. You can still visit with her, take her out on occasion, walk her dogs and be her daughter again, not her nurse maid.

(in addition to the usual AL/MC facilities, there are also smaller care homes. perhaps there are some in your area that might allow pets.)

Despite the reasons you gave, I'm telling you, the best solution would be to keep her dogs yourself and to put her into assisted living. You could visit twice weekly and bring her dogs.

If all of you have been vaccinated for covid, I see no reason why this cannot work. You feel like a prisoner now, just wait til a YEAR of this has passed!

I feel the same way that you do. I was never meant to be a care giver, i never had children of my own. I work full time (from home) Assisted living is an option for her but she won't go. Refuses. Every time i mention it she says i am throwing her out on the street. she won't go to an "old folks home". It would be a great solution for the both of us and I don't know if I can physically drag her there. i don't have the time and energy to meet all of her needs and like you i'm resentful. I wish I had not brought her here in the first place, but too late now. Its not a good answer but I do commiserate.

Though we love out pets, we valued human life over that of animals. We told our MIL we needed to rehome her dog, which we did, and gave her a stuffed animal dog. It was a short readjustment period. In a couple of days she enjoyed the stuffed animal and forgot about her dog.

Could you get a part time carer in so that you can take breaks? I do this with my mother and it works well. We go out for 3 hours on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and the carer makes sure to take her to the loo, then clean her and put her to bed after her breakfast.

Even though they may be sitting around,
I think its a good idea you have someone come in to care for your mom to free you up on a regular basis. This rather than have you become burned out and feel resentful toward your mother. She probably senses how you feel and yet what can she do because she is old and helpless. She took care of you when you were small and now she needs you.
But you can also share the care with someone else. If you have an extra room in your house you could contact a local college or nursing school's job center to find a serious student needing a quiet place to rest and study in exchange for some care duties for your mother such as reading to her, taking her out for fresh air and sun in wheelchair or helping do exercises...perhaps a little laundry, meal
prep, vacuuming. This to free you up to get away.. Many female foreign students especially enjoy being part of a US family to live with and just need a quiet place to rest and study in return. And you can tell them if they need to socialize they will need to do it outside your home
such as Starbucks or their friends' houses. Even if you have to pay someone to come in for a couple of days a week it will be worth it to for you to be able to get away and enjoy your life. This rather than dvelop animosity toward your helpless mom who probably doesn't want to impose on you either but has no where else to turn literally!

I love Featheredfriend’s suggestion of seeking a foreign student to help! So many other cultures are more used to multigenerational households. Depending on your mother’s Medicare needs, be mindful of how you compensate caregivers. Not sure how they would perceive bartering for care, or if that matters. Also, pardon me if I missed it, but is your mother able to move back in her home with care coming in? Since her vision is bad, she may be more comfortable there due to familiarity at surroundings. Regardless, you definitely need help with her so that you will have more time to concentrate on and take care of yourself. All the best to you, and big hugs too!

Yes! My 2 brothers do nothing to help. Though your problems are much greater And I’m sorry for you I understand how you feel. Sending prayers your way🙏

Use mom's income to hire a Caregiver a 2-4 hrs a day or 1 or 2 days to give you a break.

I am just curious, why does a 90 year old woman have two dogs under 5 years old?

This was a bad idea from the word go and now you feel like a prisoner in your own home because she chose to get animals that would most likely outlive her. Rehome the dogs and place her in the best facility for her needs, you can bring your dogs to visit her. I promise you that she will not die without her pups.

I just convinced my 75 year old mom that adopting a puppy would be a really bad idea and she got a 10 year old that is a joy to her and I don't have to worry about the dog outliving her or creating work she can no longer handle.

Have you checked into board and care homes? My dad had his little dog with him and the staff helped take care of her, she was a comfort to the other residents as well.

Best of luck finding the strength to do what is best for everyone involved, including you.

I so agree that having a home care aide for your mom will be so helpful for both you and her. We have a caregiver come 4h/day for my mom. At the beginning, my mom claimed that the aide did little, after 6 months, she admits that the aide is helpful. The caregiver washes mom's hair, dyes her hair, cuts her nails, measures her blood pressure, fixes her lunch, do light housekeeping, takes her on her daily walk, do her laundry, dispenses her meds, and guides her through some strengthening exercises. Having this aide has improved mom's health overall. It takes stress away from her children in being sure that she's got daily care and social interaction. Try getting a homegiver...it'll be a life saver for you and your mom.

Her health will only decline from this point on - and it could be a long slow journey. It is time for a different plan. She needs professional services like a visiting doctor, home health care and visiting nursing. She will need to be placed at some point. Even if she were to stay with her sister she would eventually need placement. Look into any free county or state home care professional services for which she may qualify so you can get back to golfing. Start the process for applying for long term care - there can be waiting lists. If you are resentful now, in a year or so (or less) you will be losing your mind and your own health might be impacted. I am a total dog lover - they are my life - but if I had to make a choice between my dogs and my daughters health and happiness I would choose my daughter. And you have to make yourself a priority. If you cannot keep the dogs for her, there are wonderful rescues out there that will help find a safe and happy home for them. These are not easy or pleasant choices or decisions to make. You will feel like the “bad guy.” But just letting the situation go along as is won’t help you or your mother in the long run. Look for professional resources in your area that you can consult with such as an elder care attorney, elder care social worker, support group, etc.

A home caregiver would be the best option, in my opinion.

Best wishes.

I too am feeling so resentful. Feeling trapped is an understatement. I believe it is time for a home but then the guilt kicks in. My mom has been with us over 5 years now, she too can be left alone for a couple hours but lord knows what you will find when you come home - feces all over the floor was the latest. I feel like my life is on hold - I know she needs to go in to a home, she has been abusive with the caregivers - one left crying and quit, she gets mad at me if I ask her to get into her pajamas, her hygiene is non existent. It is just so hard. If you have the will, place your mom now.

Feeling resentful is an indictor that your needs are not being met. May I suggest a process that will pinpoint changes and types of help.
1 - List all of "mom tasks" - task you do for your mother, time. and frequency. Example - walking to toilet ____ time every __ hours.
2 - Mark "mom tasks" that require some training. Calculate "Mom task" weekly time spent. You will be amazed how much time that is.
3 - List of all your "essential needs" (doesn't include leisure activities) - task, time and frequency BEFORE mom: sleep 7-9 hours, 3 daily meals at reasonable pace, housework, meal prep, grocery shopping, personal care, personal health needs, at least 2 hours daily of alone time with spouse, time to meet spiritual needs...
4 - Star or asterisk next to those "essential needs" that are getting shorter amount of time now that mom lives with you. Underline those activities that others could do (grocery shopping, cleaning house, laundry...) Calculate the weekly time for all the starred/asterisk areas to see the least amount of time needed to recover.
5 - Make a list of all your "leisure activities" - meeting with friends, outings with spouse, hobbies... - mark time and frequency for each. Rank them from most important to least important. For the top 5 or so items, calculate "leisure time desired" for month and week.
6 - Final totals. Start with "minimum time" which is only the starred "essentials needs" added to "mom tasks" for week and month. Calculate "preferred time" which is "leisure time desired" added to "minimum time" for week and month. DO NOT shortchange yourself on the time in your calculations; it is better to be more generous with estimates and round up to full hours
7 - Enlist help. Contact people in this order: spouse, children, extended family, friends, members of faith community... not paid help yet) Use "mom tasks" list and underlined "essentials tasks" list. Let them know that you need help caring for your mom in order for her to continue staying in your home. Give them "mom tasks" and underlined "essential tasks". Ask them for a commitment on a regular basis (daily, weekly, monthly) of either time or for a task. Example: your sister who lives 12 hours away might take mom for a 3 day weekend every other month in your home so you and hubby can get away. Expect that most people may need to look at these lists (that is why you did all that calculating in detail) and talk with their spouse/family before getting back to you. Short waits are OK, you have been doing this without help already, but give a reasonable deadlines for answers. The goal: develop a schedule of helpers who consistently help meet "mom's tasks" and starred "essential tasks". Use the time "gained" to get back time for your essentials and leisure.
8 - Paid help. Contact home health agencies and private hire (sitters and home health aides) to fill in the voids in your list of "mom tasks" and "essential tasks." An administrative staff member with ask you how many hours of care you need weekly usually in 4-8 hour chunks of time and the types of help your mom needs. Those lists provide the answers. Home health aides can complete home "essential tasks" while they care for your mom; let them know the tasks not covered on your list. Agencies will tell you the cost and schedule to meet your needs. Talk with your spouse and mom about discussions agency and volunteers and the cost of care. Pay for it primarily with mom's resources, then your family resources - if available.
9 - Not enough resources to cover time and/or costs? Time to discuss other caregiving options: adult day program, senior living/assisted living, and potential transition to full residential care. Talk to local resources about "mom tasks" and costs. Her resources should pay and then Medicaid should pay.

What does your mother want to do?

Was she happy to go along with the idea first to move in with her sister, and then to move in with you? - did anyone have to do any arm twisting to persuade her?

What's the funding situation?

I am sorry if this sounds pessimistic, but your life is no longer your own. Caregiving for the elderly subsumes all of your life and until you give into the fact that you have no life except caring for your mother and aunt, you will be angry and depressed. Even after you accept that fact, you'll likely still be angry, but at least you will be operating from a baseline of what to expect.

Don’t think of a caregiver “just sitting around”. Assess your mothers abilities and then make up a list of what she needs help, what works for you and most important: what is a reasonable expectations. My mother’s caregiver played cards with my mom while doing a small amount of laundry, running the sweeper in the downstairs and taking out the trash. My mother refused any type of personal care and was able to make her own meal. I had made a list of the details and adjusted it as we went along. The caregiver would come twice a week at 1:00 pm and stay for four hours each time: 8 hours total per week. It is a process finding what is affordable and being flexible in your expectations. I had nanny cams in the entire downstairs and informed both the agency and the caregiver of their placement.