My mother is finally living close to me again. I spent three hours with her every day for the last four days. She's in a new facility near me, with sunny days/better weather. She has options for so much more than where she was. She has Parkinson's. But she is so miserable, unhappy, anxious, lonely, all of the time! ALL OF THE TIME. It doesn't matter if I'm around. It doesn't matter if kind people introduce themselves to her. She's not making friends easily due to being so "Eeyore"-- I am sure. Her family doctor at home stopped being willing to change her anti-depressant medication because she kept asking for a new one. Kept questioning if they were working. They finally gave up and said no more new ones until you see a psychiatrist. Which she was on a waiting list for. I'll try to find one here. But sometimes I just want to give up. I don't see her enjoying one iota of life anymore. Everything is "too much", everything is awful. I thought being closer to me would actually improve her emotional well being. It hasn't changed it a bit...
Stay home for a week and keep in touch with the SW and activities director. She may be putting on a big "so sad" show just for you.
You asked a similar question last week and received a number of replies.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-mother-is-moving-into-an-assisted-living-facility-here-to-be-closer-to-me-just-wondering-what-any-474579.htm
You do not mention Moms age or if her Parkinsons now includes Dementia. I had a friend who was an Eeyore but craved attention from people to the point she pushed them away. She finally found a Senior Apt complex that had a common area where she could go and talk with others, she was a little happier.
You will never make Mom happy so stop trying. One of your boundries should be if she can't at least try to except her circumstances and be happy with what she has, you will not visit as often or as long. ALs usually give out calendars of what is going on for the week or month. Try to be there when something special is going on and try to get her to join in. Moms had a man that came and sang 40 and 50s m
Please understand, that I absolutely understand that there are situations where there is no choice: the LO must be in a facility. And I bet that's your mother's situation. So please understand, that what I write below, is within that context.
Some people will be miserable no matter what, in a facility, because they hate living in a facility (for valid reasons). Some people lose their will to live. Many say: why don't you make friends? It's not that simple. How many of us healthy people go out of our way to make friendships with sick elderly people, some of whom are very sick, or very difficult (that's why some families put them in the facility). We also prefer to make friendships with healthy, happy people, not dying, depressing people.
None of us healthy people on purpose, spend hours with other unhealthy people. We only do that out of necessity (for example, our LOs are sick; we're visiting them; or volunteering at a NH; or working there). Even volunteering, is NOT living there, day in day out.
If we would spend 1 whole week sleeping at the facility, we might have a better idea of how it really is to live there. Some facilities are great. How about your mother's facility? How would we (everyone on this forum) feel, if we all went there for 1 week, and spent 24 hours there, WITH the thought that we're never allowed to leave again? It's one thing to be there, knowing you're staying only 1 week.
Is it possible your mother is unhappy because she's in the facility?
Again, as I said: sometimes there is no choice. But even when there's no choice, we can maybe understand their side of the story, why they're unhappy.
If your mother isn't unhappy because of the facility - let's say she would be equally unhappy at home with in-home care (let's say, financially it's possible)...well, I doubt it somehow. I doubt she would be that unhappy at home.
But as I said, I understand, sometimes there is no choice. The LO MUST go to a facility. I only wish all good for you OP, and for your mother, even though she's in a facility. Now, since the fact is, that she's there - how can you make her happier, is your question...We all need things to look forward to. Maybe you can have some big event (or events) she can really look forward to. Meeting someone famous she's always wanted to meet, etc.
I don't believe in drugs: as you saw, the drugs didn't make her happy; let's not drug unhappy people. Let's rather find ways to try to make them happier. It's not easy. I wish you well OP.
Complaining incessantly to the family members who and try to help while trying to drag them down into the pit of perpetual misery they live in helps no one. It does not help the elderly person in living in a care facility or the people who care about them and visit regularly.
Being elderly, sick or depressed doesn't give people a free pass to behave badly to others either. Of course no one wants to be elderly or living in a care facility. We have to take the good with the bad in this life.
You ask how people here would feel if we spent a week in a nursing home. How about if we ask a homeless person who lives in a cardboard box under an overpass how they would feel about being in that nursing home for a week? A bed, three meals a day, showers, activities. They would probably have a very different opinion of the place than any of us would.
You're right about maybe giving the mother something to look forward to. It's worth a try. No one is responsible for another person's happiness though and no one should have a moment of guilt over it.
Some people will be miserable no matter what. My husband’s grandma was in assisted living, and it was a nice place. Very clean, caring staff, and she had some independence in her own little apartment. She still complained how it was “jail”.
And quit going so often. She now has to learn how to adjust to her new environment without you being her crutch to lean on.
And don't answer her calls either if you don't want to. If there's a problem the facility will call you.
You don't deserve to be unhappy just because she chooses to. And as many will tell you on here, often times loved ones just put their unhappy face on when their loved ones are near. Otherwise they actually are quite content with things were they're at.
So make sure you're taking care of your mental health and keep your distance id necessary.
Best wishes.
As far as your being there so much, as you have observed, THAT'S not working! So I would cut back, and begin some "training" in that relatively happy visits are longer and relatively whiney ones are shorter.
To be honest, the end of life, where one after another things are taken from us, eyes, ears, mobility, subtle limbs, balance, control, continence, power, decision making, and eventually our very minds, and who we are--just not an especially joyful time. Many, like my own dad, gently suggested that he was so "tired" of it; I also had many patients tell me they were ready for peace and the final rest, that they didn't feel free to share this with their families and would tell their nurse instead. My own brother told me "ALF is like the Army, hon. I don't much like it but I make the best of it." What you are really asking of your Mom is to "make the best of it" so you are more comfortable, so you suffer less. You may have to give this one up. You are bearing witness to a senior who is unhappy with the whole end of life trip. To tell you the truth, at 80 I find it a bit less joyful than some others, as well. But I make the best of it, and keep the burden of every little ache and pain to myself.
You might tell you mother that quite honestly it is difficult for you to sit and bear witness to her unhappiness. That you understand that, indeed, she isn't happy. But that you have done what you can. Tell her that at some point, if your visits and outings do NOTHING to make her happier, there will not be an inclination to make so much time to do it. Be honest. Talk about it honestly.
We get into habits. Habitual ways. My brother used to says that his ALF was a bit like a commune, everyone with "issues" for the Friday meeting, everyone with complaints about food and caregivers. Just the habit, along with ambulance watching and wondering when one will stop at YOUR door.
Good luck.
She's old.
She's infirm.
Her life is out of her control now.
I'd be depressed, too, and in fact, I'd say it's far more rare to see someone jumping for joy in their new nursing home.
Be understanding and empathetic, but don't take her monkey on your back. No one's life goes as they want it, and getting on with what is rather than worrying about what you can't change is the best way to keep your sanity. You can model that behavior to her by letting her be on her own for a few days and forcing her to engage with others a bit more.
It took me a long time to understand that her problems are not my fault and I can't fix them. Your mother's problems aren't your fault either and you can't fix them.
There's no pleasing some people at any age. Please for your own sake, don't let your mother drag you down. If she can't visit with you without being all gloom and doom and misery, stop visiting her.
In the end, happiness comes from inside. Whether an elder is sickly and old or not doesn't make much of a difference to their state of happiness; they're either happy and grateful for life or they are not. My "uncle" George is 102 soon and living in AL and has pancreatic cancer. His state of mind is a grateful one; he's happy and respectful to his caregivers and to his niece and nephew who help him and visit him often. There's no guilt trips to lay on them or negativity to impart to anyone. It's a personal choice how we treat others, I believe, and your mother has made her choice. Now it's up to YOU to make YOUR choice about how often to visit her and how long to stay during her pity parties. She'll drag you down into the pit of despair WITH her if you're not careful AND you won't manage to make a bit of difference to the quality of the life she's CHOSEN for herself. If she wants help, she'll ask for it in terms of a psychiatrist appointment, etc. In my mother's eyes, there was nothing wrong with her that she NEEDED help with, and there you have it. It took me quite a while to come to that realization and to back away from the whole scene, but it became necessary to do so.
Wishing you the best of luck taking time for YOURSELF and realizing you can't fix what's SO broken that it's beyond repair.
If your Mom is in an AL she needs to count her blessings. She is blessed she has the money to afford it. Blessed that there is such a thing as an AL. She has freedom to come and go as she pleases. 3 meals cooked for her every day. Someone does her wash, cleans her room, makes her bed.
There is a member who just goes with the flow when it comes to her parent. Actually, has a little fun with it. She has the greatest attitude in how she handles things when her parent gets started. She does not allow anything Mom says get to her. Its kind of "right Mom".
You may need to have a "Come to Jesus" talk with Mom. Telling her that she nor you can help the situation she is in. That her negativity does not help. She will never be the least bit happy if she does not change her attitude. Only she can do it. You cannot make her happy. Tell her its sad that she will be like this for the rest of her life when she has opportunities to make it better.
Left her home, moved however far (you don't say where from, or what she left behind there), is in a completely different environment, and is probably physically shattered too. Don't think that she wasn't working hard just because she wasn't hefting boxes - when you're elderly and you have Parkinson's, being kept awake is hard work.
And you expect her to be happy, settled and upbeat in five days? And *grateful*! Ha!
Sheesh. Give her a chance.
One of the truths I had to learn with my Mom, was what I thought was good, might not be what our LO thinks is good and no amount of discussion is going to change their mind. Ask what she wants. If the alternatives are not harmful to her health, see if you can make it work, even if you cannot do all the things that you envisioned with her. When she gets what she wants, she might be happy because she is now in her comfort zone.
Being around people who are adversarial all the time, just rubs off on you so that you also become isolated and bitter. Don't go there.
How did your mother come to live near you? Was she living nearer to your sister before this? (And are there any brothers in the mix?) I'm assuming that you are her POA/HCPOA? Executrix? Successor trustee?
I can relate to the stress of constantly being brought down by the elder's complaints. If I had even the slightest suggestion of how to make any particular ailment or circumstance better, my mother would usually say, "Just WAIT until you get old!" She wouldn't get hearing aids, wouldn't go back to the ENT doctor in 6 months' time, because "This is what happens when people get old. Just wait!" Just an example.
I know many would not have done what I did, but the time I spent while my out-of-state brothers did nothing was affecting me mentally. I wasn't even a POA (my mother removed me and one of my brothers unbeknownst to me). I requested and got payment for any time spent with my mother (and even got back pay). $20/hour. I know many people would be appalled that I charged, but what it did for me was to allow some emotional separation. I was being paid, and it made it easier to bear. Another aspect was that my mother made it quite clear what she really thought of me. No more filter. I was a huge disappointment to her, a nasty person, and my time wasn't worth anything. I don't know if your mother says that kind of thing to you, but it was hard to hear. I'd feel something twist inside of me every time I heard it.
Why should anyone be appalled that you charged for being POA?
No one has to work for free and being the POA to an elderly person is real work even if they were the most responsible and organized person ever.
It's absolute insanity if they weren't. I was POA for my father and I paid myself. He was a very organized man but very secretive about his finances. His girlfriend at the time of his sickness is what threw everything into disarray. The stress of straightening everything out almost gave me a nervous breakdown. I should have done that for free? No one should be expected to do that for free.
one must be kind to oneself, too.
:)
get well soon OP! be kind to your body, mind, soul, heart, all of you. i’m doing the same: drinking tea right now, taking a break, having fun with sudoku on a saturday.
:)
PD comes with variety of symptoms and probably increases her unhappiness, dopamine decreases despite meds and moods changes are frequent etc. I am sure you know.
My husband with PD is the nicest person, but whinny as well at times and as much as I allow him. I understand his frustration with this horrible disease, I am totally sympathetic, but it is too much at times, he needs to learn to understand my limits of empathy. It comes with different degree of success, if I can call it success, but I need some resemblance of normality.
Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don’t. I just change subject or walk away, sometimes one whinny moment and redirect or stop him.
Just set some boundaries, whatever you feel is appropriate, but don’t allow your Mom to dump everything on you.
Just be happy yourself, don’t let her unhappiness to affect you.
I've also had to learn the hard way after being raised to be the family peacemaker. One of my mother's favorite phrases about me was "she was always easy to manage". I am a recovering pleaser.
My mother has "learned helplessness" from before I was born. My father who was a giver found the perfect match in my mother who was a damsel in distress most of the time. She got her way with him by crying and carrying on until he relented. She was used to being petted and being the center of attention. Bless his heart.
Now, as long as my mother is clean, fed, bathroomed and her needs are met, my job is done. She whines and complains constantly over nothing and I no longer take that on myself.
Blessings and peace.
My mum won't admit to being depressed and won't take anything to fend off her recently diagnosed dementia. In fact she won't do anything to help herself and never has, always relying on others.
She moved near us five years ago and has fallen apart since, as she handed responsibility to us and didn't even try to make a life for herself. I have had counselling and am on anti-anxiety medication, as it's the only way to cope with the strain of being in this position despite our lifelong poor relationship (she seems to be a covert narcissist and I am her empath, apparently).
I often want it all to end, as it's awful seeing someone waste their life when they could be doing so much more and many of her age would give a lot to have her level of health. It's horrible trying to help someone who basically doesn't want to be helped, but moans if she isn't.
IMO you are visiting too much, in the beginning they need to assimilate to their new surroundings.
I am surprised that the AL didn't discuss this with you.
Most likely if left alone she will start to make some changes for herself. You are her complaint department, time to shut it down.
Set your boundaries, if she starts, just say, I am not listening to this every time I come here, grab your things and leave, eventually, she will get the message.
nothing will ever be right, just accept this and move forward.
it’s really very hard to remain positive with negative people around.
daughterof1930, you wrote:
“Please limit your exposure, taking in so much negativity is bad for the soul.”
i agree!
———
i often apply this quote to my life:
“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a**holes.”
———
dear OP,
:)
as for trying to make your mother happy…
this is my approach to my LOs:
1. work on my life/happiness/success. let my happiness be 1 reason they’re happy. (by the way, some elderly parents will be EVEN more miserable, when they see their adult child’s so happy. never mind. imagine you had normal, loving LOs who’re happy when you’re happy. in other words, some elderly parents would be overjoyed to find out their adult child is miserable/depressed/beaten down - THAT’S what would make them happy.)
2. continue to do nice things to make her happy, OP. she might not show any appreciation, only negativity. but somehow, you ARE making her life better, and you know it. (and actually, she knows it, too).
3. as someone else mentioned: plan events she can look forward to. unexpected. routine is boring.
hug! :)