There are other people here who have cared for mom a few years before I came. I am really burned out. I took care of both my son's, watched them over the years get weak and did all their cares by myself. I never expected anyone to help me. I'm being taken advantage of. I'm exhausted amd they leave everything up to me. There are 5 of us, it's suppose to be a team. I'm broken and I'm wanting to grieve my losses and I can't. Am I terrible person if I leave to get my life in order before mom passes away? Is that too much to ask or say? Anyone else going through this? Please share with me. I love my mom but I don't have the strength anymore. They guilt trip me in to staying if I say I'm gonna leave.
You will have to make difficult choices for your life. Tell your mother and those others expecting the caregiving activities you currently are taking care of what your quitting date is. Then quit.
You have to realize that these are CHOICES you are making for your life. Slave labor has been gone for a long time now. So this is a choice of yours that isn't working for you. You are responsible to take charge of changing your life. No miracle is going to float down from on high.
I suggest seeing a therapist to work on goals and implementation in taking charge of your own life.
You have done more than your fair share and now it's time for you to take care of yourself.
Your mom knows you love her and have done your best, so now it's time for someone else to step up, whether it be another family member or mom being placed in a care facility.
Quit allowing your family members to "guilt" you into staying. They are only doing that because they themselves don't want anything to do with caring for her.
So you're going to have to put your big girl pants now and say enough is enough! You can do it! And you will feel so much better when you start making yourself a priority.
God bless you.
This is OPs other post.
I remember when I first started on the forum there was a woman who had lost her mother after years of caring for her. Her family had the gall to say "You now can care for Aunt because you cared so well for your Mom". The woman said NO, she now had her life back and she had plans. Is this your problem, that because you took care of your sons your the mostly likely to care for Mom? People who have never cared for someone have no idea whats involved.
Do you live with Mom or her with you? I hope you with her because it will be easier to walk away. Do you have a place to go or money to get a place if you leave? What you need to do is stand up for yourself. Tell everyone after caring for two sons you are burnt out. Since there are others that can take on Moms care, or she can be placed, you will be leaving on ? date. So they better start figuring out what they are going to do because you can't do it anymore.
If they don't like it, oh well. And if they don't have a plan by the date you give them, leave anyway. Someone will have to step up to the plate. You could call APS and tell them you gave notice and nothing has been done. You are not abandoning your Mom she has 4 other children and you gave them ample time to set up something. You are being treated like a slave ifvyour expected to do 24/7 care with no help.
That's why we ended up on this forum, burnout, and just not being able to take it anymore.
Issues with siblings, not helping or just expecting to much out of one person.
In all that you are not alone.
I am so deeply sorry about you losses in life, a human can only go through so much. Everyone has a breakpoint, some sooner than others.
Who cares if your family tries to guilt trip you. My family has done the same , and I no longer care, so they can't play the guilt card anymore, because it just doesn't work. Granted it doesn't make me well like but I no longer care. I have to put me first and so do YOU!
Long term caregiving, changes your brain chemistry, it actually causes PTSD, so if you are not in therapy please get there.
Best of luck. 🙏😥
What if you walk away? Well, the sun will still rise in the morning. Life will go on. Legally, I expect nobody can come after you, so the choice is yours and what is best for YOUR life and wellbeing.
Caregiving takes a toll. It is even harder when others around you berate you. Only you know when it becomes unhealthy for you. I believe our primary responsibility is to ourselves. Take care of you. You do not owe it to your parent to sacrifice your life for their care. Nobody in your family will likely understand. Be ready for them to shame you, but stay firm. You are allowed to walk away.
YOU need to now make yourself a priority every day. Every. Day. You've done yeoman's work to this point, now you need to permanently retire from caregiving.
Stop talking to the others about intentions to leave. Make your plans in private. Have everything in place FOR YOURSELF. Then you tell the others that you WON'T do it anymore. Don't say you *can't* because then they'll start to negotiate and guilt you. You WILL NOT. You're done. Period. And then literally walk out. You don't owe them anything. They probably owe you. Don't answer their calls unless they are being supportive. Don't talk to anyone who doesn't understand your condition and needs. Ghost them 100%. Then go and enjoy your life.
You don't need "family" that treats you like a doormat. We cannot choose our biological families but we can choose how much or little we interact with them.
As a Mother of 3 sons, I can tell you with absolute certainty that I'd NEVER want my sons to orbit around me at the cost of their mental, emotional, social, physical and financial lives. NEVER. No loving parent would ever agree to this.
I wish you all the best as you move onward and upward!
Is Mom competent ? Does anyone have POA?
Does Mom have funds or a house to sell to pay for care in a facility or does she qualify for Medicaid ?
What are her issues , what does she need help with?
No you don’t have to keep taking care of Mom.
Move onto other things in your life.