My sister co-owns home with Mom, bought 75% bridge loan from her original paid off home. The issue is sister got married; her husband is abusive toward Mom, and anyone who comes to assist. One major issue is that Mom lives for gardening in summer. She is wheel chair bound and cannot haul hoses around the yard for watering vegetables and side gardens. Years ago, she paid for installation of underground sprinkling to easily water all zones since she was aging. The son-in-law keeps turning off the program so they won’t run.
We have to drive 10 minutes to go down her basement to run them once, for that day. This should not happen because she owns the home, she is disabled, and she pays bills there also. She is being denied the right to grow Hydrangeas, flowers and vegetables as many perennials have died. Today I was helping to weed and water. Mom asked to troubleshoot sprinkler heads and adjust so they stay on her property. Each time I turned them on, they went off. We thought they were not working correctly; I kept running back downstairs, switched them back on again and the zones had to keep starting over. This time, I closed the panel door and locked it wondering what was going on. The son-in-law who had not yet left for second shift, was shutting them off behind us! After I locked it, again without a word, he tore the unit off the wall, nearly damaging the unit as it was left hanging from the waterline. When I ran back in to check it, he blocked me from going down the steps to turn it back on, and verbally attacked - swearing and telling me to go home. He had this blank stare with glint in his eyes, laughing as he swore and yelled at me. This is not the first time he has attacked when I go over to help our Mom do physical chores because she is unable. He has been abusive to our mom on several occasions. She often feels defeated, like she has nothing to live for at times. I was very upset when I learned that she got her crutches out and was trying to drag the hoses out by herself and leave them at the back of the yard so that she could get to them again. He kept putting them away, making water inaccessible to her. She has rights, and doesn’t deserve to have someone breaking her belongings. Please help.
Your mother apparently has ownership rights; does the husband have any since he married? Or is he more or less a (married) guest in the house.
Basedon your description, he has some real hostility issues, and I don't believe that your mother is safe while in that house.
I think you and your sister should discuss, and if there's no resolution, perhaps she can pay your mother her equity share so Mom can find a safe place to live.
This guy has some real anger issues, not to mention that MDPO (Malicious Destruction of Property) is either a misdemeanor or felony, so he could be facing criminal charges.
I think it's time to find another place to live, such as a nice senior community where she can have the garden she wants.
Some communities have adapted yards for gardening by people in wheelchairs. Flowers and veggies can be planted in raised beds, generally about waist height for someone in a wheelchair.
If I remember correctly, this might have been an aspect of an Eden Alternative community. There's another progressive type community, but I can't remember the name of it. I think it was BarbBrooklyn who wrote about this kind of living arrangement, i.e., senior communities with more a more creative focus.
OtherDaughter, have you reported these incidents to the police? If not, why not?
I believe I would have called 911 when he destroyed the property; he is abusive and dangerous and is creating a hostile living environment for your elderly, vulnerable mother.
Is sister being physically and psychologically abused as well?
It is likely that he is hostile to sister, and she’s developed thick skin.
That doesn’t excuse the fact that our Mom is a vulnerable elder, a prisoner in her own home.
Yes, he’s a married guest. The house is in her name due to a trust. He may inherit sister’s 1/2 share if deceased.
This event happened between 12:15-2:15pm today. I had told him I was calling 911 if he didn’t let me through as I am helping our Mom, to which he laughed. I told him I was reporting him for Elder Abuse, to which he again laughed and continued with hostility, swearing, and intimidation. I wanted to find out her rights first, because in our area, there are not city police and women are not taken seriously. You are all correct in accurately assessing the situation.
You must take steps to protect your Mom. She needs to get an order of protection. Force that man out of the house!
Threatening behavior can result in assault charges even if someone doesn't actually hit you - particularly when they are damaging someone else's property. Next time, call the cops and get documentation of his aggressive behavior. Record him telling you to go home (I used a recording app on my phone with the phone in a holder at my waist.) Attend his bond hearing and ask for a condition of his bond being he cannot be around your mother, your mother's home, you or your home.
If your state has temporary domestic violence restraining orders, I would help your mother get one that restrains your BIL from living in the house or being anywhere near you or your mother. Call APS
I am also concerned that your mother isn't really safe in her own home unless the SIL is locked up in the local jail. The fact that your sister is allowing this behavior to go on means she has either already been abused and intimidated by the man she married or she is likely his partner in trying to either run your mother out of the home or intimidate and isolated her enough to gain control of her assets. Your sister has a right to make bad decisions for her own life, she does not have the right to expose your mother to abuse from her bad decisions.
You are concerned that women are not taken seriously. I suggest when anyone treats you that way you (1) ask for their name, (2) turn on a recording app, state you are talking with _____ about ____ and ask them to repeat their "response". Be sure you keep your tone very business like but with the attitude that you are documenting their response because you are planning to protest it.
We are house-hunting and keeping an eye out for Mother-in-Law apts or duplex so that we can share suppers and be there to help. We would live in a daylight basement if her area is accessible. I feel horrible this is the way her last days, moments, are robbed of the joy she normally radiates to others.
" He had this blank stare with glint in his eyes, laughing as he swore and yelled at me."
sounds like someone who drinks or maybe on drugs.
"he tore the unit off the wall, nearly damaging the unit as it was left hanging from the waterline"
I would hate to be around him - when there's a real crisis.
What state do you live in?
I agree with the order of protection. You and mom both need it.
If your mom can’t do it and I can understand that, talk to an attorney about mom giving you POA so you can act for her.
Then have BIL evicted. It’s up to sister if she wants to move with him. Make it plain to sister that she gets him out or you will. Having him help take care of your mom is like having a rattlesnake for a babysitter.
This man is dangerous. He feels entitled. Some how he feels he has permission to do as he pleases.
I would be very surprised if he didnt have a criminal background.
Be careful ... but you can’t allow this to continue. It will only escalate.
I don’t think mom should move out. That’s what he wants.
I feel bad for your sister but she shouldn’t have brought this guy into mom’s home. Your mom will be doing your sister a favor to get him out.
What’s his back story? Do you know his family of origin? Has he been married before? I can’t believe your mom could have created this monster by any action of hers.
Please keep us informed.
Thank you for your expertise! Summary and update:
Above mentions are an accurate assessment, pointing out red flags. Taking them under advisement.
I feel badly for my sister also, which is why I help carrying a chunk of the load.
Sister had to discern and sort what happened that night after work and make fast decisions. If they asked me to take on a larger role, I would. I’m heartbroken for our Mom feeling she has to tip-toe around BIL who’s attacked others before.
For that and for his behavior a few days ago, he gave huge apologies to us. He’s realizing that the more I do, the less my sister, (his wife) has to do. He doesn’t care Mom’s time is growing short. She’s tired...
I’m willing to help in any way. Will be careful, watching to make sure things are in check. Thanks again to you, and to the others’ for helpful info and suggestions!!
As far as her not wanting to change the trust due to the expense= It is going to be a whole lot more expensive if she doesn't change it soon. SIL will run her off and take every dime she has and she will end up in a medicare nursing home if he has his way.
He sounds like an unstable S.O.B.
Michigan. I don’t think she entirely brought this on either. Even if she did, still, who does this? He was not married before nor did he have his own home. Sister saw the good side before letting him move in... and answer is “no, no written agreement took place.” Mom believed he was good as did sister; I feel badly for her also. He got worse, treating sister like maid, chief cook & bottle washer wedding planner and not before his people’s stamp of approval which left us running 100 mph getting *everything done in time. PPO sounds good for Mom & I. Sister will be home tonight giving what for as he’s in hot water. He crossed a line today. Back story mom died long ago, great Dad who loved him, asking til his death bed to return to his faith... He and brothers were hoodlums of sorts, not sure beyond that.
Love analogy having rattlesnake for a babysitter! Thank you. Agree is dangerous and entitlement is odd. See that it’s escalated with ripping unit off wall. Had he walked outside and asked, he could have known we were repairing sprinkler head directions to save on watering time and cover burned out areas. The issue is money for water bill. He has a brand new SUV unlike my sister. Telling him to leave is a decision for her to decide there is no marriage, and/or they would have to sell the home since she pays mortgage.
Reason for no sprinklers I thought was money. The more my eyes are opened I see it’s a control and/or OCD issue. He thinks the yard is his. He ran Mom’s tractor out of oil, then proceeded to trade in her dead mower for $50 without her knowledge until she saw a delivery truck bringing his new toy, about to haul hers away (with my sister being the one to tell him the $50 is hers so he wouldn’t blow up at Mom). I see now he would like nothing better than to have her gone or dead. I know elderly can be hard and deserve to be shown grace. That’s not happening. He forbids us from yard maintenance in the gardens. He “scares us off” by getting in our faces about not getting all the weeds, trees and large branches picked up & thrown away after long days of catch-up on neglected property. Mom used to have a Scott’s Lawn with pristine gardens. It now is a scalped, burnt set of crabgrass and weeds. The shrubs are embarrassingly overgrown. There are many accidental trees which need digging. He acts like we can’t touch any of it including Mom’s things.
Correct regarding small fees to get papers in order to prevent the unexpected!
I'm not quite understanding this. Did your mom provide 75% of the financing on the home or did your sister? What percentage of the home does your mom own? Can they buy her out so that she can live elsewhere?
Mom brought 75% equity from old home; they together financed the balance. Since then am unsure of monies passed or owed. That would be something they would need to figure out.
I don't understand trusts so...what was the need for a trust if sister is already co-owner? Do you feel you can talk to Sis about changing her as POA and Executor? If not and Mom still can make decisions, take her back to her lawyer and revolk ur Sisters POA and assign a new one. Executor would just be a name change. If Sister protests tell her its to protect Mom. If sister can't kick him out then I wouldn't trust him to not pressure her into getting Moms money. He sounds like a bully to me.
Regardless of WHY the SIL wants the water off, even a child knows to use their words properly.
I didn’t get that the OP wanted to be POA. She just wanted to help her mom water her plants and troubleshoot her sprinkler system and this guy comes off like a spoiled brat.
I do think we transfer our own life experiences at times when we answer these questions. Especially if it’s a hot button in our life. For instance I can think of people who bullied to get their way and how angry it made me. Angry and powerless is especially a toxic feeling. So this question made me less understanding of any reason the SIL may have for his actions. I can think of NO reason that’s justifiable for this behavior. If the water bill is the problem say so. Get a separate meter.
Find a solution besides brute force towards the elderly and disabled.
The OP wanted to know if her mother had rights. Of course she does. One of the first ones is to be respected in her own home.
The daughter who is POA is conflicted. She’s moved a person who is harmful to her mom into her mom’s home. She has an interest that is in conflict with her mom’s interest.
It’s not a happy home.