My wife has Louie bodies and is in assisted living with no visitors allowed because of the virus outbreak.
I have been in my home alone for 14 days and in these 14 days he has called me twice. When I call him his wife tells me he is in the toilet because he has no function with his bowel movement and he never calls me back at later time.
I am thinking of cutting all ties with him and his family.
Now there is a global health emergency which, to put it mildly, has upset everybody's anthill. You are stuck indoors in your home, and having to cope alone.
You might have thought that as a senior, on your own, you would appear on many people's top priorities list; and especially that of your child.
Step back, take some deep breaths, and do what you can to maintain perspective. It is an extremely stressful time for *everyone.* It is very important that you don't allow it to do more damage to your life than can be helped.
Thinking about the practicalities: how are you managing? Do you have enough supplies in the house for yourself? Will you have access to delivery services and any support you might require over the next few weeks?
About your son: does he have children? Is he able to go to work? I think a great many family men are finding this crisis extremely difficult to get a handle on - they're worried about their families, worried about their jobs and the economy, anxious to do something to help but then also anxious to behave responsibly and reduce social contact. It's especially hard for men, who are stereotyped as being happier if there is something they can DO about a problem.
I don't know why you feel that all your son cares about about is his inheritance. Has anything happened that makes you believe so, or is this part of feeling that he's not showing the concern he ought to about your welfare?
I will take in considerate what you writing to me about my sons behavior.
Over Christmas, my husband became extreme ill. He actually died in the ER and the ER physician did chest compressions for 20 minutes to bring him back. I’ve been alone since then. Any help my children have offered has actually come from my son. He visits his dad with his own son in tow. He texts daily to make sure I’m doing Ok, especially now. I don’t call and ask for anything. I get up, go to my job, come home and take care of myself. If the house needs repairs, I do it myself or call someone. I pay bills and keep track of what needs to be handled and then handle it. Neither one of my kids has time for idle chatter on the telephone. They also don’t want to hear me bitch about how rotten life’s treated me (I was laid off Thursday due to CoVid-19)
Take a step back and look honestly at your expectations of your son. Have you become helpless and demanding lately? Do you think he owes you because you’re his dad and raised him? Well, he does owe you at least a check in call or text once every day to find out how you and Mom are doing and if you need anything. Let him call you. If he doesn’t, call a grocery or prescription delivery service on your own. If you show your independence, he may relax and start to call more than twice a week.
I will take in considerate what you writing to me about my sons behavior
My grandmother left her kids basically 1/3rd of what she had. She did favor my mother more as she was the one who was ALWAYS there for her.
In her will (and this is 25+ ago) she wrote : "This is my desire and if ANYONE contests my wishes they shall be given $1 and my eternal disdain." This was directed at my aunt, who was grasping and needy, but never had time for grandma. She was pretty quiet about the 'will' and knew it was directed at her.
As we age, and as our kids far surpass us in earthly wealth, we are beginning to think we may adjust our will to leave all our money to our grands, to be held in trust until they are 21 or some specific age.
And this is his fault?
The disagreement between the two of you, with your feeling that he is interested only in your leaving him money, and his feeling that your support has been conditional and perhaps a little grudging, did not boil up out of nowhere.
What I would suggest is that you think about what kind of relationship with your son you will want to have five or ten years from now. If it's to be a good one, you are going to have to draw a line under past conflict and start again.
I have to add. What you have said about his accusations, to my ear, sounds as though somewhere in there somebody said "... after all I've done for you this is how you treat me..." That phrase is such a common detonator of emotional time bombs, it and anything like it is to be avoided.
What's past is past. Both of you need to look forward to what you want, as well as at the here and now to see what needs doing.
E.g. pick up the phone. You might be able to ward off any tirade by answering the phone with "I'm glad to hear from you, son, how is everyone?"
And if he doesn't call you, you call him. Enough festering!
Money is not love. If you give a child money, give it freely or not at all. Don't expect to get it back unless you draw up a loan agreement with interest and have the contract vetted by a lawyer.
All anyone can do is talk to their family openly and honestly about their needs and wants. Tell him how you feel. If possible be very specific about what you would like from him. (Errands, check ins, companionship..?) Then he may or may not step up to meet some of your requests. Ask him how he is doing too. He may be dealing with some stressful situation that you are unaware of. In fact his often being in the bathroom sounds like he is is having a problem. It’s also possible that he doesn’t know how to be supportive. Were you close in the past ? He might be struggling with his own issues, so much that he has very little emotional energy left to give to you.
If you really feel that he cares mostly about an inheritance, then that is sad. Is there a good reason to suspect this ?
I’m sorry that you are feeling alone. Sounds like you miss seeing your wife too. Maybe you can get some support from someone other than this son. Right now a lot of people are feeling more alone than before this pandemic. Try to connect with others in any way possible. Use the phone, internet, anything available. Stay in touch here too.
I will take in considerate what you writing to me about my sons behavior
Now when the couple passed away, guess who got the inheritance money?
Not the neighbors, but the daughter. If there is someone that you know who will check on you and help you out, it would not be a bad idea to let them know that they will 'be remembered' at some point for their help and kindness.
If your son has never really been there for you, then u have every right to change your will. Our wills read what yours in mine. In the event that we both die at the same time, then our estate will be divided between our girls. If one of us dies before the other, then that person will need to make a new will anyway. You can leave him a small amount or a dollar. Mention him though, then it will make it hard to contest the will.
I see where ur coming from. It would be nice if he called or texted once a day just to see if there was anything u needed.
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