My mother is absolutely unbearable. We have saved her tens of thousands of dollars on home repairs and lawn mowing but she is relentless. She says whatever she’s wants, has a gambling problem and refuses to spend anything on what she really needs. She was abusive to me as a child and has been abusive to my grandmother until she passed. My grandmother looked over this behavior but I’ve had it.
I'm an only child and she says “all of this will be yours one day” implying that I should do all this for nothing and put up with her BS. She favors my son and talks horribly about my daughter although my son doesn’t lift a finger to help her.
She’s been told several times by her attorney that she shouldn't keep so much money in her checking but she won’t listen. She’s forgetful and has misplaced her debit card before. The checking account money is not included in her trust and she will not add any for fear that I will control more of her money - which I probably should. My guess is that she intends to gift it to my son. I am livid. Any suggestions?
And I need to take my own advice. I inherit a property through my grandmother's Will, she died in 1982, but since then Dad has had a life interest and hoarded, let repairs and maintenance slip.
Over this year and next I will be paying about $60,000 to replace the septic, wood stove. fascia boards, gutters, appliances and get rid of the garbage. Plus many hours of my time loading dump trucks and arranging for the removal of derelict vehicles.
Why am I doing it? We are talking about a $1,000,000+ waterfront acreage.
But it is damaging to my soul to deal with it.
Once it is cleaned up, I will put on a addition, sell my house in town and move over there.
I have surprised myself over the years. I do not like confrontation. Hard time having a good comeback. But, I have set boundries and I distance myself from toxic people. My Mom was easy to get along with but I was still working when she stopped driving. So, we took one day a week and ran errands and shopped for food. She went out with us once a week for dinner. I overwhelm easily if too much is coming at me at once. So, I set my own pace.
Read the book Boundries by Townsend and cloud. My daughter liked the part where they said "You are not responsible for the reaction you get when you tell someone "NO". No is a one word sentence. You don't need to explain yourself. So Mom gets mad, she'll get glad again. And if she doesn't talk to you, be glad.
I never needed to support my Mother. If her house had gotten to much for her, it would have needed to be sold and her going to a nice apt. But, she seemed to get the bills paid, lawn mowed and maintence done. If she was spending money on gambling, I definitely would not have given her a penny. My MIL always complained about what she received monthly but she continued to by figurines from magazines, Readers digest books, VCR tapes, Cassettes and CDs. Magazine subscriptions where u pick 5 magazines and pay $20 a month. She had a small closet filled up to the shelf with old magazines. My DH bundled them 20 to a bundle and placed them in the garage. They took up a parking space. When we cleaned out, she had unopened VCR and cassette tapes. By this time we had DVDs and CDs. She had unopened CDs but we got something for them but not what she put out. Those figurines probably sold at a fraction of what she paid, like $40 each. She told my DH she needed a new pump and it was going to cost $1,000. My DH was generous with his Mom before he married, but he did not offer to pay it. When she passed it was found she had 37,000 dollars in CDs. Not rich but not poor.
Stop helping her. She needs to use her own money. I would not count on you inheriting anything unless you see it in writing. Even then, Wills can be changed. And her money maybe needed for her care. I hate the words obligated and owed. Honor your Mother and father does not mean you are obligated or owe them anything. Its also said that a son leaves his mother and cleaves to his wife. I think your "obligation" would be to just make sure she is safe and cared for. If that means someone else doing the caring, so be it. Doesn't need to be you. So time to tell Mom to hire someone to do the lawn. No more money for repairs on her house. If she can't keep it up, she needs to sell and find an affordable place.
Someone has to stop the dysfunction in this family.....why not you?
She died broke.
I learned a valuable lesson.
Don't take $hit from anyone for any reason.
Heard that one too. Adult child moved in to look after poor old widower father, cook, maid, cleaner, until he remarries. New spouse says out you get & new will signed.
Spend less time with her. Spend less time thinking about her. Forget about what money she might have now or later, as far as inheriting goes.
Look up tips on how to set boundaries. And start reclaiming your life.
Mom wants to shower your son with love & money or whatever while treating your daughter like a second class citizen? That's exactly what my mother does with my 2 children, by the way. It makes me L I V I D. So she winds up reaping what she sows. My daughter is the loving and giving one between them, but doesn't have much time for her grandmother now b/c she's been treated like dirt for her 28 years of life. My son, the golden child, has NO time for his grandmother, yet she thinks he farts fairy dust. Who cares, really? Those relationships are between THEM and not us. I refuse to intervene! If my mother complains about my children, I'll tell her to take it up with THEM. I will not ruin my relationship with THEM on HER behalf. She's done that herself!
What's left of your mother's 'fortune' will be yours one day or it won't. Who cares? That sort of promise is empty anyway. Who wants to do things for someone today based on what may come our way later on?? It's not worth it! Step back from your mother's insults and nasty behavior and live your own life, letting her live her own life. When she loses her debit card again, tell her to call the bank!
Don't make it your duty to take care of your mother's problems in life. You have enough of your own. She'll get very old one day or fall and get hurt, and THEN you'll have no other choice but to take over. Right now, she's of sound mind and body so leave her to her own devices. That's my suggestion.
Wishing you good luck letting go a bit.
Stop doing things for her.
Let her hire for her needs (especially yard work, & maintenece).
What happens when you say no to her?
So that leaves you one person here who can be saved in this equation. That is you. And unfortunately only you can save yourself.
Do consider professional help to comb through ways to set serious boundaries Your mother has money, apparently, which she sees as some sort of weapon to use against people. Far better she uses this money to care for herself, and to hire people who will consider her abuse something they might accept for real financial remuneration.
My suggestion would be to back away from this woman and to learn to exit the cycle of abuse so that it is not passed on. Let your Mother "gift" her money to whomever she pleases, wish her well, and leave her alone.