I do not know my father that well. He has never really been in my life but we have kept in touch. As he has gotten older, mostly over the past 7 years, I have helped him with various things when he has reached out. Which looking back, is the only reason he was reaching out.
He has no social security, no assets, no health insurance, and not much money left to live off of.
He seems to be cognitively declining.
In the past 3 months, he has increasingly becoming more needy and honestly, driving me crazy daily with problems and issues he needs help with that for the most part he creates himself.
For example, this morning he told me he needed a new laptop because Microsoft “got it in” and it wasn’t working so he threw it away. I just ordered that one for him 2 months ago. He just did the same thing with his cell phone last month. Broke it in half because it wasn’t working and went and got a new one.
He’s always made bad financial and life decisions and is a compulsive liar. So it is hard for me to tell if this is dementia or what is really going on. Sometimes I talk to him and he is completely sound minded and other times he is not so.
I don’t know what to do with him as far as what he will do for money or health care if he needs it. I can’t take care of him. I am trying to have a plan in place for when the time comes. For some reason, I do feel obligated. Maybe it’s pity. He has no one else.
I just don’t even know what to do.
As said, if your father is a US citizen and has held down a job for more than 10yrs, he has SS. He also has Medicare. Because he has never applied is his fault. If he never applied for SS he will get 135% now. If he had surgery 3 yrs ago, who paid for it?
Me, I would not get involved, it will be a headache dealing with him. Let APS take over. They will break thru all the red tape.
And workers comp paid for the surgery.
If there is dementia at play, it's typical for a person to have good days & bad days. Days of lucidity and days of talking gibberish. To say, however, that "Microsoft got in" the laptop you bought him 2 months ago so he THREW IT OUT is indicative of a person who's not operating on all cylinders. And, please do not buy him a new laptop b/c unless he took a hammer to a 2 month old laptop, there was NO NEED to throw it out! Same goes for breaking a cell phone in half and then buying a new one, which is what? $1000? A definite sign of either dementia or mental illness of some kind taking place here.
I understand you wanting to help your father, but w/o having POA for him, and w/o knowing anything about him, his health, his finances, his medical OR personal background, what you'll wind up doing is financing his LIFE here! And that includes chronic 'broken' equipment that will need replacement due to temper fits, lack of patience and lack of understanding the basic operations of said equipment. Dad either lets you in on all of his secrets, or you call APS and ask for a wellness check to be done on the man so THEY can determine if he's fit to live alone or if he needs placement which they can find for him.
Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation.
Call Adult Protective Service and ask them to look into his situation. Unless he's an immigrant, how can he have no SS or Medicare?
While you don’t have a legal or even moral responsibility to care for your father, he is your father so I can understand your wanting to help him out.
However, it might be time to take a very close look at whether what you are doing is the best use of any resources you want to provide him. Is he a US citizen? How old is he?
You might try the Area Agency on Aging in his county to see if they could guide you on any resources available for him after discussing his circumstances. A visit with an elder attorney might be helpful. Without more information it would be hard to know how to give you any helpful suggestions.
He is only 73 and he is a US citizen. He has been very irresponsible and irrational throughout his life.
I believe he suffered a TBi as a child when he was hit by a car which may contribute to some of his behavior. He had a fall at work 3 years ago and after the surgery, he seemed to age very rapidly physically and mentally.
It is difficult for me to determine what his status is as I have no baseline on what is normal for him at this age. It’s also very confusing because some days he seems completely normal and “with it”, talks fine, and is sharp and other days he makes no sense to me, is paranoid, delusional, angry, and making bad decisions.
I’m looking to learn about this more and what resources are available. I would not feel right to just leave him on his own and not get him the help he needs.
If his behavior continues, I do not see him making it on his own for another year and he’s going to be out of money. I’m trying to be proactive.
If the whole ‘age care’ thing is new to you, it’s a good idea to ‘educate’ yourself with the free resources on this site. Click on ‘Care Topics’ at the top of the screen, You get an alphabet. Click on A, then Assisted Living, N for Nursing Homes, D for Dementia – and anything else helpful. When you get a bit more idea of the options and the problems, it could be a good idea to come back with a more specific question. Best wishes, Margaret
I am working on not enabling. He has been very manipulative and it’s taken me until now at 47 to realize that
You MUST for his sake and more important FOR YOURS, to totally back out of his life financially.
He DOES have financial resources, as you’ve mentioned, and if you task yourself with helping him find what he should legitimately have access to, it will allow you BOTH to have the autonomy to establish a balance IF YOU WANT IT.
So no more using YOUR FUNDS for HIS mistakes and misunderstandings. He will make mistakes until his weaknesses, age related or not, are identified and revealed. Take this time to clarify your own feelings and decide where you stand in this.
Learn what you can about his circumstances from a distance safe for you.
You are a good daughter, even after years of being unappreciated as such. Don’t let your pity supplant your reason.
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