My mom has MCI and I have 2 letters regarding her mental competency, she needs assisted living. I'm about to assume the responsibility of successor trustee. She is in pretty good shape and wants to be taken care of, everything is getting harder to do @ 94. She has false memories and short-term memories don't stick, everything else seems OK other than some age related aches and pains.
I have 2 sisters who don't help much, one has a mental illness and the other lives about 40 minutes away. I know the resources available for assisted living and some areas are more expensive as are board and care homes. Mom doesn't want to live in a big community with hundreds of other seniors like her, the corporate type assisted living. I want to find her something that will make her happy which will be difficult as she's giving up her home. One sister wants her to stay in her home thinking we can all pitch in to care for her, she's barely able to take care of herself let alone our mother. The other sister wants to move her closer to her and even more distance for me to drive than she is now. As executor and POA I just want things to go smoothly and not fight my siblings who have other ideas. It really seems like a power struggle and they don't want to go along with what my mom wants thinking that soon she won't know where she is anyway and I disagree and her decline may or may not be rapid, no one knows except what we have right now and that is my mom can still think, though she isn't as sharp as she once was.
What should I do?
Don’t fight with your sisters about it; just calmly tell them what’s happening rather than soliciting their opinions. There really should only be one captain of this ship.
You want to honor your mom's wishes, but with dementia, those wishes are less and less based in reality and logic. So, the weight of her input needs to be tempered with that in mind. Definitely "no" to the sister with mental health issues because caregiving can easily burn out someone who doesn't have any extra challenges.
Those who want to take care of her in their home maybe need to experience what that will really be like. Is there any way she can go stay with the one without mental health issues as a "test run"? Does this sister have a spouse and children? If so, I strongly recommend your mom not live with anyone who already has a family and job to prioritize.
One very strong benefit to your mom living in a care community is that she'll have more varied social exposure on a daily basis. My MIL is in LTC in an excellent facility on Medicaid and they take her out on their pontoon boat fishing, field trips to places like llama farms, they have visiting pets and wandering musicians, etc. Whoever is living with your mom will become her entertainment committee by default, especially once her short-term memory is really compromised because she won't remember that you just played cards with her for 30 minutes or took a drive, etc. Once she becomes less mobile she will need a residence that is ADA compliant for walkers and wheelchairs. Falling in a private home is just as common as falls in a facility, with equally injurious results. Then there's incontinence and the caregiver will need to be able to manage this and also transfer her if her legs lose strength.
There are so many other issues, and there are many on this forum who "successfully" provide hands-on caregiving in their homes to their LOs and it goes well...until it doesn't -- and no one can predict when or how this occurs. Many loving, intelligent and well-meaning adult children commit to caregiving without having a clue to the actual demands and commitments and then descend into burnout. If your mom has a trust then she may have enough resources to enable her to live in her daughter's home and when it becomes too strenuous, outside help can be hired. Just know that eventually 24/7 care is as expensive and can be more expensive than facility care. And, just for good measure consult with a Medicaid Planner (because many people erroneously believe they've saved up enough money but have sticker shock at the cost of today's care).
That said, I've had a lot of firsthand experience with both corporate owned and privately owned ALs; there is NO comparison between the two. By all means, find a privately owned AL that has NO corporate influence (aka BS) to deal with and things will run a lot smoother. The corporate mentality is driven by one thing: MONEY, while the private mentality is driven by resident comfort and satisfaction. The private AL may not be much less expensive than the corporate, but it is IN THE LONG RUN b/c they don't nickel & dime you to death, nor are the increases as large or frequent. You'll have direct access to the administration in private AL whereas it's a rigmarole like no other trying to do so with the corporate owned ALs. They have NO authority to do ANYTHING w/o 'corporate approval', it's terrible.
That said, when you look at places, talk to the residents and staff whenever possible, not the marketing director who will tell you the water fountains spew cherry cola. The residents will tell you how things REALLY are there, and the caregivers will signal their satisfaction by telling you how long they've worked there. There IS a high turnover in the industry as a whole, though, b/c let's face it, who wants to wipe butts and shower naked elders all day for a living for basically minimum wage?
So, in the end, it doesn't matter what your sisters want, it matters what your MOTHER wants and it's your job to see that she gets it, or as close to it as possible. Tell your sisters your goal and that you don't want to fight, you just want to carry out mother's wishes to the best of your ability.
Wishing you the best of luck!
The info was pretty much as I expected so this validates my thoughts. Neither sister can care for my mother in their homes, it's not possible due to long-standing issues, personalities and they have their own lives. Mom has the means for care and frankly, it's the best solution for everyone!
I was able to schedule a call with a social worker to discuss my mom's condition and what's best for all. As this progressed sisters have their own ideas and have pushed back on what I'm seeking for Assisted Living "AL" according to mom's needs and wants. I thought enough and asked the sisters to also provide 5 questions each that I'll submit to the social worker to consider before our meeting for efficiency due to time limitations allowing the social worker time to consider each sibling's questions beforehand and they won't comply.
I asked them to meet before the call and to discuss what my mom wants with all of us and mom together and they all have something going on every day for the next 4 days and all live within 40 minutes of her. I've tried to be nice and I'm about to say enough! If you can't work with me you won't have any input on her care going forward as I've been asked to take this on and I did so willingly and I'm not going to battle about decisions or control when they are mine to make. With our scheduled call in a few days since sisters aren't contributing to the help I feel like removing them from the call. If they aren't willing to help me why include them?
Boots on the ground and POA trumps anyone else. You have both, so you make the decisions.
Your plans are the right plans. She should go into the best care you can provide nearest you, her POA and the Trustee of her Trust. This should be told to your sisters followed by period.
And to you all, don't request "happiness" out of this unhappy situation. This is going to be tough going for your Mom. It is loss after loss after loss for those of us of an age (80 for me) and that is the realistic way to look at it. It is worth raging over, crying over, and mourning, so allow that. Find the best place you can, whether smaller Board and Care or moderate ALF ....in my brother's the separate cottages of about 14 rooms each worked just great. Little townlets if you will, little communities.
I wish you good luck. Make it clear to Sisters that you are A) THERE. B) Assigned this duty and C) unwilling to spend a lot of time in argument. That you will do this duty given you to the best of your ability and will appreciate any HELP and input but will NOT TOLERATE argument and dissension.
I wish you the best. Head em off at the pass, partner!