My Dad retired in the Philippines over 20 years ago, falling in love with the culture and climate. He can live very comfortably on his SS and small pension. He returned to the states for a year during Covid due to lockdowns there, otherwise he’s not been involved in my or my sister’s lives. He was miserable here in the US that year and made no effort to meet people in his 55+ apartment complex. As soon as restrictions lifted he zipped back to the Philippines, despite a recent fall/hip replacement and unsteady gait. He was there for a year, which did not go well and voluntarily opted to return to the US last August. I’m not sure what exactly transpired last year but between being robbed several times and scammed, he lost his life savings. A few weeks before he was due to return to the US, he was injured in the typhoon resulting in an inability to walk. He was later diagnosed with having septic hip replacement hardware. This was a logistical nightmare for me with weeks of countless dealings with the US embassy, State Department, Consular Affairs and Veterans of Foreign Wars. He was finally hospitalized at my insistence by his “caregivers” for an initial surgery and there was no choice but for me to fly to the Philippines and escort him home. No way he could make the trip himself and had no money to pay the hospital bill and was going to require two more surgeries. I was scared, exhausted and frankly livid as I had told him he was too old to live by himself on the other side of the world before he left. So 25 hrs of flight and 12 hours of layovers later, I swooped in with a suitcase of supplies and within 36 hrs did that same exhausting return trip with him in tow. Thats a story in itself but basically got him home by a miracle with him not being able to walk, incontinent, confused and with an open draining wound. Being a PT gave me the skills but wrestling and taping my last, torn condom catheter on him; cranking on 5 diapers at a time in anticipation of the next 14 hr leg flight: performing a dressing change with my “sterile field “ on the bathroom floor during an 8 hr layover in Qatar-just nothing I ever saw coming in my life. (But I am proud of myself that I did an expert job, with my fellow travelers in mind-though he did look a bit like the Michelin Man). Went straight from airport to ER and 2 surgeries and 6 weeks rehab with IV antibiotics later—he’s back at his small, independent apt in the same low cost 55+ complex—miserable again. Sorry for long story but necessary background to my quest for advice and clarity for current problem. Starting even in the hospital, he has been saying he’s going back to the Philippines, “it’s my home”. I first ignored it because I though in no way he’ll be able to physically do it. So now 8 months later, he’s doubling down and insisting he’s going back. He lives by himself, works on his book/computer and again makes no effort to make any sort of life here. He’s recovered financially with credit card and US medical bills with the exception of the $15,000 I spent on our flights/rescue/Philippine hospital bills. I am holding him accountable for this because it’s not only fair, but also a tangible reminder of what a disaster it was, despite his rosy retrospective. Even if he pays me $10/mo. I have told him if he returns to the Philippines, I will draw a strict boundary that I am out. I will no longer be his POA, his US contact/address; will not assist with banking/wires; do his taxes etc. for my own mental health. He passed all his cognitive tests in rehab and could talk for hours about astrophysics but just can’t seem to reconcile that at a frail 92, just maybe-something could go south. He won’t go to a doctor, where I could perhaps get an outside person to say this is crazy.
Not sure what my question is, maybe I just need to hear that this is a legitimate quagmire. I don’t know if I will be able to truly ignore big/dire issues that would inevitably come up if he goes
Every time you get an approach from him or anyone else, send a copy of the letter. Read it again first to remind you what reality has been like, but do not answer any questions in the approach. Let the formal letter be the end of it.
This might be a way to help you set a boundary, and deal with it emotionally. Once you've set it all out, it will remind yourself, and explain yourself, without re-living it.
He was not a bad Dad, I had a happy childhood- he just drifted off in my adult life. I know he misses the vibrancy and community of the Philippines but I think deep down what he really misses is his younger days. We’ll see where this road takes us…..
I don't think you will, either, because you care about him and his wellbeing. It would just be a nightmare for the both of you if he somehow got back.
Do you think he can really get himself there? Buy/afford the ticket, make it to the airport on his own, find a place to live, etc. all with 0 help from you (and hopefully no one else)?
I would completely ignore his talking about going back. It is delusional, but maybe deep down he knows it won't/can't happen but it gives him something to look forward to each day?
If I were you I'd save my mental and emotional energy and change the subject every time he brings it up.
He isn't thinking rationally. Red flag.
He's unhappy and wants to go "home," and that's been going on for a while because that's why he wanted to come back to the U.S. recently. Folks with dementia always want to go "home." Red flag.
He's had a scam marriage in the past. Red flag.
He's 92 years old. Red flag.
Dementia presents differently in everyone.
What concerns me is that you're dealing with him as if he doesn't have cognitive issues. You've drawn boundaries (good). You've been firm about what you will or will not do (good). But just because he can discuss physics and other complicated things doesn't mean he's okay. Dementia is more than memory loss. It's being unable to think soundly, losing the ability to comprehend reality and solve problems, and a whole lot of other important stuff. I know you know that.
So how would you feel about those boundaries and refusal to assist if you knew he had dementia? When he may not understand the implications of your bowing out? Would you handle it the same way? Would you feel okay about his getting into another marriage in the Philippines, where women are eager to find a gullible American who will give them a better life? What if he ends up stumbling around a foreign country until he dies? (I've been to the Philippines, and I wouldn't want to live there if I had dementia. For sure.)
Perhaps you could come up with a ruse to get him to the doctor, such as vaccinations he needs before traveling, or the PI won't let him in if he's not immunized, or whatever. Clue in the doctor and let doctor know that you suspect cognitive problems and wish dad wouldn't go, so doctor tells him he's ineligible to travel until _____.
I wish you luck, and I'm amazed that you've done so well with it. You truly deserve a medal!
When my son lived in New Zealand working there for 3 months I had to research their healthcare system and travel insurance. New Zealand has nationalized healthcare but only if you're a citizen, not a visitor/tourist. GeoBlue travel insurance may be "better" than nothing but mostly it just covers accidents, and not illnesses. Can your Dad apply to become a citizen of the Philipines? Does he already have dual citizenship? If so, then he may be covered under whatever their healthcare coverage is. How long would he need to be a citizen to receive any type of elder care there?
You are convinced he's going to go back in September. If you help him *in any way* and then also fret about him once he's gone and then insert yourself to rescue him...sorry but you will be bringing the ensuing stress upon yourself -- for a second time. Stop helping and rescuing him.
You posted: "Not sure what my question is, maybe I just need to hear that this is a legitimate quagmire. I don’t know if I will be able to truly ignore big/dire issues that would inevitably come up if he goes"
It's not a quagmire, it's a decision on your part. You are the solution to this problem.
Draw the uncrossable boundary line of no longer helping him in any way, not even discussing it with him. Chances are he won't make it past the check-in at the airport, if he gets that far. If he leaves be sure to legally resign as his PoA so that you don't have any connection anymore. Please remember the lesson you learned the first time. Do not repeat it.
No, no and no! That’s the image I’ll keep in mind. Although one bright spot was during the US to Philippines trip by myself. On the 14hr leg to Qatar, already exhausted from the weeks prior- I had the wonderful thought that for the next 14 hours, no one can reach me. I sank into a deep, ugly-faced-mouth agaped slumber that must have been alarming to my fellow travelers. It was oddly blissful. I guess when a grueling long haul flight is your only respite, you know your life has gone off the tracks.
I use the rescue flight often, when Dad says any variation of “my life, my decisions”, with the response that his decisions affected me greatly. Never again.
Thanks again to all.
“I truly want him to be happy and my sister and I have reconciled the fact long ago that he’s a distant father, so that’s not a factor …”
So has your dad always been a distant, uninvolved parent? The logistical complications of your situation are interesting and extreme, but I am wondering if you are also just desperately trying to win this man’s love and approval after years of not receiving it despite obviously being a kind, conscientious daughter worthy of being loved.
We see this ALL THE TIME on this forum.
Respect.
You went far and beyond what your deadbeat dad deserves from you. So leave it there. If he wants to go back to the Phillippines, let him but don't lift a damn finger to help him get there. Do exactly what you said. You will not be his POA and emergency contact in the U.S. who puts out his fires when he gets scammed again and another crisis happens.
Your father lived there for 20 years and he never knew the Philippines is world-reknown for every kind of scam there is. It's practically a World Heritage site for scams.
The good news is he can buy himself a young wife on the cheap to run his household and take care of him. He will no doubt have to support her and her entire family, but at least he wouldn't be entirely on his own.
You did more than anyone should be asking of their adult children, so you're good. If your father finds a way back to the Philippines on his own, then good luck with him.
They get old, they want but that is not always practical or doable. If you hadn't been with him the last time, he never would have gotten home on his own. I would never have done what you did.
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