My father has been in AL for two and a half years - he is wheelchair bound due to a broken femur not able to be repaired surgically *age, heart, previous issues with anesthesia - no one would operate on him and even if they did, he would not participate in his rehab and would be labeled as ‘failure to progress’*. I have written previously about a few issues, and this is one of them…He does NOTHING all day long, day after day, week after week. I’ve read through the CG Forum for answers/solutions, etc. He has no interest in any aspect of his *or anyone else’s* life. If you read a couple of my posts I refer to him as always the ‘life of the party’, not because he was jovial - but bc everything was always about him. He was kind and generous *to a fault* with his money, not because he was caring - but bc he was the ‘benefactor’ and you were beholding to him. It was all about appearances. His only interests were being a big shot, and gambling. Once those two things were gone it’s as if the life has been sucked out of him. I read this comment on the forum from 2015 in response to a question of the LO in AL ‘always expressing waiting to die thoughts’.“When life turns into getting up in the morning, eating breakfast, brushing your teeth & washing up, getting dressed, sitting in a chair until lunchtime, eating lunch, sitting in a chair until dinner, eating dinner, sitting in a chair until bedtime & going to sleep, only to do it all over the next day, it can't be all that motivating to want to live.”This really is my father’s life, for the last couple of years. I read on here tips like: play favorite music, watch favorite shows, look at old photos, go on little excursions, yada, yada. He has no ‘favorite’ anything, never has. He has never had interest in anything except gambling, being a big shot and making money. If we take him out to lunch or dinner, he never says a word, it is pulling teeth to get any remark from him, and even then it will be some platitude - ‘it is what it is’, ‘that’s a possibility’, ‘not that I’m aware of’, etc. My husband and I visit him in AL 2x wkly- we used to go more often but invariably he would say, ‘you’re here again?’. And if we go 1x a week he says, ‘I was wondering when you would would show up.’ We manage/order/refill his meds, his incontinence products, toiletries, drinks/food for fridge, buy clothing when he needs it, etc. but we sit there with him twice a week and he never says a word, he actually closes his eyes when we are there. We ask him a question, he really doesn’t respond - *if someone asked was lunch good, he holds up his hand in a wishy-washy way, like so-so. * Anyway, he,too is ready to go. But, anyway is there ANY way we can change this behavior? He has always been standoffish to family *not friends, though*. People think he is fun/funny bc he always smiles and waves at them. But as soon as they walk past him he make deprecating faces and gestures, and rolls eyes. Yes, he is on depression meds, but he has been depressed all of his life. Sorry to keep going on, and on - I want to visit with him and have it be somewhat meaningful. He never asks about his grandchildren or my sister who lives out of state. Oh, well - let the comments begin!
To make it really interactive, I might even bring him a few dollars once or twice and say here are your winnings or tell him he owes money too.
You can’t force a meaningful connection out of someone who doesn’t have it to give. I’m sorry to say I have no suggestions to achieve what you want from or for him.
That he doesn't ask about others or think beyond himself is ingrained. You want some "happy family" moments, but IMO they aren't going to happen.
My mother had Borderline Personality Disorder and it was always all about her. Once I had accepted that it was easier on me. She didn't change and I didn't expect her to. But I protected myself by limiting my time with her and adjusting my expectations. When she finally passed at age 106 I got a smile from her in her last time with me. That was much more than I expected. I was hoping she would pass without making a nasty crack at me which was her way.
Sometimes there is no way of fixing something. For your own peace of mind, lower your expectations to fit reality and accept him as he is. It is the most loving thing to do for him and for you.
If it turns out he's really the self centered piece of work he appears to be, I'd tell him to call you when he wants to visit with you like a human being. That otherwise, you're DONE visiting a corpse who refuses to open his eyes or speak while you're there. Its beyond rude and disrespectful and your time is more valuable than to waste it on a man who doesn't want to give you the time of day. Why are you doing this? This man is not acting like a father whatsoever so stop acting like such a caring daughter. Make HIM come to YOU.
Good luck to you.
As to the second half of your comment, you sound like my husband, he accompanies me some of the time and is appalled by what he witnesses - also calling his behavior rude. I find it hard to walk away, I’m the POA it was difficult for him to let me assume the financial duties *trusts no one* but I had to pull that trigger when I found he had give the pizza delivery guy a signed, yet blank, check for the pizza. A story for another day. Thank you again.
You have not posted this under "dementia". You have posted it under "depression".
You are down now to a good talk with the medical team about
1. Current diagnosis
2. Current prognosis.
Once you have these things wrapped up well as can be, you will know what may be done, and what may not. That is to say:
1. Are there medications to try?
2. Do I need to understand that option for communication are changed now and may never improve
And etc.
I surely do wish you the best. It is so difficult, and we see it so often on Forum. We lose those we love and a sort of "pod" of them and their entire lives remains sitting across from us. It is almost impossible to accept that for all intent and purpose they are gone. And it is horrifying and tragic.
My heart truly goes out to you.