What to do when yelled at by a 98 year old?
My 98 year old aunt who lives with my 96 year old father, started yelling at me yesterday, accusing me of stealing a "rattan tray" the last time I was there, and telling me I cannot be trusted and also, after we put the air conditioners in the same windows we always put them in - bedroom and living room, telling me that she wanted both air conditioners in 2 adjacent windows and if my father wanted an air conditioner in his room he should buy one. And that they should have been asked where the air conditioners go. I told her: "No, if you want 2 air conditioners in the living room, you should buy one." It's my father's house. She is a roomate as of last summer. He did not invite her to live with him. She was "rescued" from her other neice's when she told my brother that her neice was stealing from her (furniture and jewelry) and limiting her by not allowing her to use the stove, etc. and feeding her leftover food she did not like, etc. Which I now think most of which was in her mind only or exaggerated. But she came at me like someone possessed and it was crazy. I was shocked and didn't know what to do and started raising my voice too. She is mentally highly functioning otherwise and doesn't forget any imagined slight or imagined betrayal, so this will not blow over. But this incident is definitely an example of dementia, I think. How do I deal with her if/when it happens again? She yells and accuses and is unreasonable. Should I just walk away silently?
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She may have mixed emotions and mixed behaviors, but I doubt she's as high functioning as you think. We get 'trained' by those we care for as to how to act around them. It's kind of like being brainwashed. Esp with the very elderly, who probably have acted this way their whole lives. And gotten what they want.
My MIL can go from 'fairly calm' to screaming hysterics in minutes. If it weren't so scary, it might be funny.
She and DH are both very deaf. Like 80% deaf. Neither will wear their hearing aids. DH simply misses most of the conversations and gets angry when he can't hear or mis-hears. But he does accept that it's his own fault.
MIL simply screams at people. To sit with the 2 of them at a small table and try to have a decent conversation is not possible. My last interaction with her left me so exhausted--and I was really trying to listen to BOTH Dh and MIL and kind of interpret for them what was happening (DH was fixing a small appliance). For no reason (other than that I was THERE) she just blew up, as she always does, and I broke. I got up, slapped her on the back and said "I'm giving you the best present you'll ever get. I'm walking out this door and I will never speak to you again. I can't take it anymore and I know you can't, either". (In my defense, as if I needed it, I was visiting her to keep DH company and I was only 6 weeks out from chemotherapy--still pretty bald and sick).
I took a Diet Coke (WITHOUT ASKING!!) and slammed the back door on my way out. 2 years ago. Haven't seen her since.
So, yes, walk away. I feel ZERO guilt at walking out of my MIL's life. It's so much better for me, after 46 years of trying to deal with her. I'm NOT a screaming, or yeller and it upsets me greatly to be with people who are.
People like this--you can see the mental illness at play--but at 98? You're not going to make a difference.
Keep your visits SHORT and walk away if she gets nasty. That's about all you can do.
My DH actually has a funeral for my MIL's last living friend. I told him that I felt I better not go to the funeral as it would trigger his mother. The sigh of relief he heaved at not having to ask me not to go was amazing. He really didn't know how to handle this.
Walk away. I am so much happier knowing that I do not have to do one single thing for my MIL. She hates me, and why should I continually put myself in that situation? 46 years is enough.
Personally, I would look at her like she had two heads and walk away. Arguing with her isn't going to help anything if this is dementia.
Tell the EMTs that she is acting irrationally, is posing a threat to both dad and to you and have her transported to the ER.
Call the ER. Talk to the social Workers and tell them that there is no one who can safely care for her at home.
Think I would take Dad out for a while. To a nice park maybe and ask him how he really feels about his sister living there. Tell him to be honest. If he says he wishes she would leave, then start the process. If she has children, tell them her living with Dad is not working and THEY need to find another solution and give them a date. If no children, then u will need to find a solution. Starting with getting her to a Dr for a full physical. If he suspects Dementia, get her to a neurologist. Have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If she has money of her own, tell her time for an AL and Dad needs to stand behind you. Because of her age, maybe able to get her into an LTC on Medicaid. You can always call APS and tell them the arrangement is not working. Say that you feel there is some cognitive decline and she is verbally abusive. That you cannot care for both of them. Maybe the state will take over Aunts care. But again, Dad has to stand behind you.
But your Dad has to stand behind you. If not, then you ignore her when she gets like this. You may remind her that the home is not hers but your fathers. That he is allowing her to live there and that could easily be changed. Your sorry, but she has no say in how your Dad runs HIS house and she is wrong in thinking she does have a say.
Lets say she has a UTI and is in the hospital for it. Tell the SW while she is there, Aunt needs to be evaluated for 24/7 care because...they cannot release her back to your Dads because its an "unsafe" discharge. That Dad is not able to care for her and you refuse to since you are already caring for Dad. If she has no children, then tell them that the State will need to take over her care. If they say they can get help, don't believe them. If they can it won't be enough. If Rehab is suggested have her sent. Ask for a eval there. If ur told its 24/7 care you then say she will need to be transferred to a LTC facility after rehab because releasing her back to Dads is an "unsafe discharge". Dad is unable to care for and you can't or won't. Allow the State to take over her care. They will get thru the process much faster than u can.
There are so many wonky things that stand out in your post.
I'm having a tough day so please forgive me if it sounds like ripping you a new one. It's not you, but nuttiness comes in many, many forms including me.
If your poor dad didn't invite his sister to live with him then the audacity of anyone moving her in with him, and then holy smoke, keeping a now identified abusive anyone with a defenseless 96 year old is too cruel for me to comprehend. It seems to be a convenient arrangement for everyone except your poor dad. Man alive, bringing in someone who is possessed (your words) to live with a 96 year old. Do I need to say - what a way to end a life?
You want to know how to place her? Bring her to live with you and I guarantee ideas'll pop up quicker than springs from a 100 year old bed.
Listen to how this sounds. Tell a friend..
"Hey, my aunt's not abusive All The Time, I couldn't take, oh nooo nuh-uh, but I know this 96 year old guy, yeah, he can take it. Oh, btw she's really high functioning y'a know, and boy can she cook, and clean, and did I tell you about her memory? Whoa, what a minute, maybe I should ask old Miss great memory where the rattan tray went. Still, yup, I couldn't take it and although I knew he doesn't want her living with him, we moved her in with old dad anyway".
You think she has dementia? NOooo, really?
Regarding the AC. If the living room has an AC, and your dad has an AC in his bedroom, does your aunt have an AC in her bedroom? It's 95 degress today where I am. It couldn't possible be helping her mental state.
Go to a second hand store, Habitat for Humanity's, go to Walmart and get a dang AC for her bedroom if she's staying with you poor dad. A 96 year old man really needs this.
Poor you, she yells, is accusatory and unreasonable and this is the gift that dad needed.
Take a friggin' step. Any step. Go to a hospital and ask for a social worker. Call Social services. Maybe the next 5 calls don't pan out but eventually you'll get a lead and another.
Or (in you words) walk away silently.
If you're still on speaking terms, you'd better compare notes with the other niece (your cousin, is she?) and ask both her advice and her forgiveness. Now that she's had time to recover, she might be prepared to see the funny side of your appreciating that she perhaps wasn't pawning your aunt's jewelry and feeding her bacon scraps, after all. Your brother may some words to eat, too.
You say Aunt "came at you" - what happened, before and during?
People say you can't reason with dementia. This is true, as far as it goes, but it doesn't go far enough to explain what else to do in the moment. When your aunt decides you can't be trusted because of your theft of the rattan tray [I'm chuckling here, I'll explain in a minute] and misappropriation of her air conditioning units to pamper your father, it is necessary first to align your thinking with hers before you can bring her round. What rattan tray, is it still in existence, what does she imagine has become of it... if, for example, it's the rattan tray with the broken handle which she has stowed under the bed, you retrieve it and present it to her, checking that this is the one she meant and suggesting that perhaps it was on its way to the menders... With the air conditioning units, her thinking is based on the schematic in her head of where they go where she lives (only, alas, that ain't where she lives now and they ain't her units). Rather than contradict (especially by "talking back," which I'm afraid you did), check with her what she's expecting: as you go through the process, either her mental diagram will adjust back to reality, or everyone will be satisfied with the result anyway. Once she is appeased, then you can probe into where exactly she thinks she's living and whose house it is. And whether another air conditioning unit might be a good investment, come to that.
Why on earth your brother thought this new arrangement was a good idea for your father I can't imagine.
Oh yes, the chuckling... Last night I had to record that on my arrival my client was standing and watching (as in guarding) a duster, which he may have been doing for up to two hours, and stated that he was worried about how much dust was on it. I read the notes to his wife (I like to confirm that client/family are happy with the account I've documented) and she got the giggles - "it sounds so silly when you write it down!" Not funny for the poor man, I can tell you. He's very unwell at the moment.
Similarly with Aunt: when she's climbing the walls about her missing possessions or ill-treatment at the family's hands or undue favoritism shown to your father... she is afraid and angry. The aim is not to win the argument or correct her manners, the aim is to find the bug and fix it. With some people, and your aunt may be one, the process is stressful and difficult; we have a volatile yeller on the books at the moment, too - at handover everybody sympathizes with whoever had her on their round that day - but we are there to get her washed, dressed, fed and medicated and we can't just walk away. So whatever works for her becomes the rule.
So: you went to your father's house, and Aunt came at you: out of the blue, the moment you arrived, or was there a lead-up?