I am 23 years old. I live with my Father who is 75 and mother who is 68 and in the past few months my boyfriend has moved in. My father is an alcoholic, and has been as long as I can remember. Throughout my childhood he worked away a lot and when he was home he was present although acted more a friend than a parent. In present time he is no longer a pleasant man. He is not mentally all there and a lot of his sentences don’t make any sense, normally contradicting himself. The atmosphere in my house is hostile and very uncomfortable to live in. Throughout the years I have tried to talk to my father about his drinking but he denies it and hides alcohol throughout the house. Myself and my mother have hidden our bottles of booze from him to find months later they’re now almost empty, which he claims must have evaporated (?). He’s so nasty and hurtful and he is only getting worse. I’m sorry for being graphic but tonight was the final straw when he went to the toilet and got feces on the floor and came into the living room where we were all eating and the smell was horrendous, I felt sick. He smelt it to and didn’t realise it was from him. I have often felt sorry for him but I can’t deal with this he needs help but I don’t know who from. My mother can’t take care of him she has got health problems, she has had to deal with an alcoholic father herself and I am devastated she is experiencing the same thing. I’m desperate for myself and my boyfriend to move out as it is affecting my mental health (along with everyone in this house) but I don’t want to leave my mother with him. She really dislikes him and feel she can’t escape. I am mostly ranting here but any advice or help would be so appreciated! Thanks in advance
As to jumping ahead to a future your father may not live to see, don't go there until you must.
As to living in an alcoholic home, don't do that. You should now be moving on your own or with your boyfriend. Again, I understand this is easier said than done, but it must be done for your own mental health.
Now for the last and undoubtedly only "useful" thing I will say, you (and your Mom if she will go) need to go to al-anon, where you will be astounded at the support and information available to you. You undoubtedly already understand that nothing will ever change your Dad but your Dad himself, and statistically that is very unlikely. Attend Al-Anon as though your lives depend upon it; they may.
I don't think this is a situation "you" can solve. What I see it that maybe your Dads alcoholism is now causing Dementia. Hard to tell if he is drunk most of the time. Really, your parents are not that old or elderly. This is something Mom is going to need to work out. Dad probably should have a good physical, body and mentally. I would not be surprised if he doesn't have Liver desease which gives off toxins into the system which effects the brain.
What I suggest is when you can, you and boyfriend find good jobs and an apt you can afford and move out.
You can't save your mother, either, because she's chosen to stay with an alcoholic husband who's now suffering the ravages of his addiction. She can now choose to leave him, or, she can choose to continue staying married to him. It's up to HER, not you.
You are 23. You have an entire life ahead of you. It's not your job to 'fix' this mess your parents have created for themselves. It's up to THEM to fix the mess they've created for themselves, in a number of different ways.
You can go to Al Anon meetings and learn how to move on with YOUR life and leave your parents to move on with theirs. This is not to say you don't love them; just that you are disengaging from the nightmare lifestyle they've created in their home.
Get out. Move away with your b/f or w/o him. Just leave the scene before you get in SO deeply that you feel you have no other choice but to stay and 'fix' things that can't be fixed.
You will always love your parents and offer them help IF they truly want it; in other words, if your father WANTS to stop drinking and your mother wants to go to Al Anon meetings with you to learn how she's been enabling his behavior. THAT you can help with. Anything else, you can't.
I love you, mom and dad, but I love myself more. And I'll be moving out to save MYSELF.
Good luck. Sending you a hug and a bunch of prayers for peace with making the right decision for YOU.
Addiction is a disease which effects the entire household.
My brother suffered with addiction for the majority of his life.
Families of addicts feel many emotions.
We feel love and concern. We have fear. We feel guilt. We feel confusion and anger.
We experience depression and anxiety.
Sometimes we feel downright hopeless!
It isn’t until we get sick and tired of being sick and tired that we choose to move forward.
Eventually I was able to walk away.
I thought I was strong for holding on. The real strength comes from letting go.
When you are ready, let go.
Al Anon is very helpful. You don’t even have to share if you don’t feel like it. Some days, I spoke, some days I didn’t say a word and just listened.
You are not responsible for your mom or your dad. You can keep them in your heart.
Or you can take a total leave of absence if you need to!
There is no ‘right or wrong’ here.
I know it’s hard. I wish you all the peace and happiness that you deserve in life.
Take care.
It will give Mother a safe place to visit now & then too.
What will happen to him? I don't know. But I've met a few that follow this pathway: fall, break a hip or something, in hospital go through traumatic alcohol withdrawal symptoms (psychosis), are referred for an aged care psychiatric assessment. Placed into rehab if possible, respite or aged care if not.