Do you know what your care contribution is worth in real terms?
Because I am a sad cow and because I get cross about familial carers not being paid to care I did a few calculations which are UK based but probably relevant to some degree elsewhere.
Mum has mixed dementia and is therefore only eligible for care homes that are registered to take dementia cases.
I did a quick survey of care homes that offer a level of care I find acceptable - I also did a quick tour of three of those and there is no way on Gods earth I would put her in 2 of them. Cost for one week 960.00 rising to 1100 for the best. That does not include trips out, hairdressing, massage etc so I am going to add those in later and round figures where it is sensible.
Lets says £1000 a week for care $1540 in the states thats 52000 a year
1 trip to the church on a Sunday is £22 so lets call it 20 and then that is another £1000 a year. Then lets add on hairdressing every month. Another £200 a year minimum. A day trip out is £55 and they offer two a week if she just went on 1 a week that is still another £2500 a year. if you need to have legal representation that in the UK is almost £200 an hour - even at 1 hour a month which is miserly if they are acting as POA for financial affairs then that is still another £2500 a year.
So before anyone undermines you - your FREE caregiving saves your country about £60000 a year $92500. That is your true worth people. if you offer massage and I give Mum about 15 minutes every day then bolt on a staggering £5000 a year - horrifying isn't it? Yet what is our reward? For some of us it is abuse, name calling, in some cases violence, repetitiveness, dependence, being at another's beck and call total responsibility AND accountability for seemingly everything (not that it is all related to dementia although a great part of it is and for some exacerbated by the illness). I think I had better start believing there is a God because if there isn't one has to wonder if it is all worthwhile. Right now it doesn't seem to be but I am having a bad day... well I am not but Mum has had and I have borne the brunt of it.
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If for caregivers with my sincerest apologies to Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when no-one near you
Bothers to call yet blames everything on you,
If you can trust yourself when doctors doubt you,
But make allowance for the hours they do too;
If you can learn to actually enjoy waiting,
And tolerate, but never deal in, lies,
And know the hate they utter is dementia’s hating,
And no hun you don't look too good, but I think you’re wise:
If you dream yet her care is what you strive to tailor;
If you can think - and yet still make great care your aim;
If you can meet with success and failure
And treat those two fraudsters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by siblings and others who are fools,
Or watch the things you have just mended, broken,
Yet carry on even when you feel like Mum’s worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your washing
And still manage to launder it all in one day,
And then, while her words are still there crushing
You carry on with not a bad word to say;
If you know you’ll need your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve you well long after they are gone,
You will hold on when you feel there’s nothing in you
Except the determination to just: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with on line trolls and keep your virtue,
Or walk with AC folks - and keep the common touch,
If neither friends nor family can hurt you,
If most people count with you, but none too much;
For you already fill each goddamned minute
With seventy seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours should be the Earth and all that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a caregiver hun.
I don't know what you pay your carers but over here for a decent carer a minimum of £10 an hour but if you have them full time then in UK you can fall into pitfalls because someone cannot be self employed if they only work for one family/company/person so you might need to engage 5 or six carers which causes its own problems believe me.
So you have got your carers taken references and have now to fork out somewhere around £50K for that - CHEAPER I here you all shout but no no it isn't. Because you have to pay for everything else. All the rates- water sewerage, gas electric etc, maintenance, meals (delivered because carers don't cook - well not at that price they don't!) gardening, laundry - ( just in case you thought they did, carers by and large care, they do not do housekeeping so someone has to do that and where they do their rate reflects this - note they do empty and sanitise hygiene areas or should do!), decorating, hairdressers and massage costs as before PLUS you will either be organising commercial days out for her and that runs much higher at about £120 a day PLUS you would need to pay for the carer. You would have to arrange all the hospital visits etc and pay for all call outs of course something we don't have to do in the UK I might add so we are lucky in that. And if that weren't enough you still have to monitor it all closely until you are satisfied that all is running well. POA costs stay the same unless you take on the role. If you have them 24/7 through an agency or are thinking about it then I need you to sit down In the UK in my area using the rates I was quoted for a carer about 3 months ago then it would cost me £ 157680 almost a quarter of a million dollars each year in current US exchange rates (242933.63 US Dollar) So you can see why I say YOU ARE L'OREAL YOU ARE WORTH IT
I paid my part time carer $13.00 and hour and always rounded up her check to a higher amount. She was worth it and I so appreciated everything she did.
Another moment with my brothers I will never forget... it had barely been a week after my mother passed, we were sitting out back having silly banter when #2 brother said "I know we didn't help out much" (you think)?? but we do feel we should get something. (money) Well, I nicely told them that it is I who should be getting something since my parent's weren't wealthy nor able to pay me for 3 years of full time care, that if they didn't stop being greedy bastards I might think about suing them for the $250,000.00 in back wages. Oh well, spilled water.
My mum actually knew I was being abused by her cousin and did nothing to stop it. I was 8 then. So no I don't do it out of love for her but out of love for my late father whom I adored.
I just think that when we as carers get lumped together with what are called in Britain benefit scroungers that I have to stand up and say NO I am not a scrounger I actually save this country a hell of a lot of money by doing what I do and how dare this country call me a scrounger for doing it.
I have until this year paid my mum rent and received nothing from her for the care she gets and I do it 24/7, I have paid my share of the bills - more than my share to be honest because if I needed respite I had to pay for it. I have now gone through any capital I had having lost 50k equity because I bought in the peak and had to sell in the trough of financial imbalance so yes I am having a bad day but I do sincerely believe that we should recognise our worth. I don't expect to be paid...would never happen BUT I still think we should see what it would cost if others were paying
As for an inheritance yes there will be one but only because she expects me to do everything for no pay and won't pay for respite or for me to have any aides come in to support me and she may well have dementia but she is absolutely adamant about that and no amount of encouragement will get her to pay for that although she could afford it. I even tried to get one in under the radar by saying it was free but she was so dreadful to deal with all day that it was easier not to have them. I am luckier than most because at 62 I will be able to stay in the house and they can no longer throw me out onto the street, had I been younger this would not be the case. Do I feel utterly unworthy? I used to but no longer - we caregiver do an incredibly valuable job and it should be recognised not seen as something we owe back/ I took absolutely no offence Maggie.
If you are willing to give up your mom's assets...sell HER home for HER care...spend HER money on HER care...the government will then step in and provide all of those things for your mom for, probably, a $3,000 a month cost to taxpayers. AFTER, of course, she has run through your inheritance.
You have come to the wrong place to try to quantify in dollars and cents what most on this site do for love.
As far as your finally NOT feeling unworthy? I think feeling you had angel wings to care for might be closer to it. Be cautious sitting down, they might wrinkle. ;)