What's the best way to help an older caregiver accept that she needs respite care to avoid burnout?
My Mom is almost 82 and she takes care of my Dad, who's also almost 82. He has all kinds of different physical disabilities. Mom has been a caregiver all her life, it's her identity. She's well known for being the most organized, caring and compassionate person in the family. I'm a caregiver for my husband, who's a disabled veteran, and I am also a peer mentor for VA Caregivers throughout the country. We attended a family reunion last October for a week at an Airbnb, which was when I saw first hand how burned out my 81 year old mother was. We're all worried about her (including my Dad, who has been married to her for 60 years now). When my sister and my father mentioned a visiting nurse coming in to give Mom a break now and then, she broke down in tears, sobbing because she feels like she was being called a failure at taking care of him. We don't know how to help her understand that respite care isn't a bad thing to feel guilty about, it's for her health and well-being so that she's a better caregiver for him. Any advice is welcome... keep in mind that my parents are of the generation that believes in taking care of your own family without bothering others to help, and we don't want her to feel like we're judging her ability to take care of Dad. Thanks!
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It is a catch-22 and I appreciate your compassion / concern for your mom.
My first thought (or two) is / are:
1. Ease in a caregiver for just 1-2 hours a day to BEFRIEND you mom so she feels comfortable with this person 'helping her,' not so much focused on 'taking over' helping your dad / her husband. This way, she may feel she is still 'in charge / doing what she feels she should / wants to do for her beloved, while getting some support that she really needs.
Easing in a caregiver may require someone / a family member (?) working with your mom in person to introduce them. I doubt it could work if you just call an agency and have someone come to the door. Is there a neighbor that could help out at all - with arranging for a caregiver?
2. Contact Call the Department of Aging services to speak to a social worker or a medical social worker (a referral which you may need to pay for). A professional may be able to talk to / reach your mom in ways a close family member cannot due to the relationship.
I understand, as you say 'this is her identity.' She is functioning like this for herself 'too' as this is who she is. She may fear (or would) not knowing herself (who I am?) without the behavior she's been doing for so long / decades.
- She cold also be thinking "I don't know how much longer I have with him and want to do all that I can while he is still here." This may be a given - although it could also be a motivating factor in why / how she pushes herself. She is 'pre-griefing' a loss. Her feellings are understandable. Yet, her behavior doesn't serve either of them (as you know).
It is an adjustment however things move along.
Who is handling things as they progress / proceed when your mom cannot do the care-giving any longer?
Does this mean your dad will need to go into assisted living or a facility for care?
However you look at this situation, there will come a time - perhaps soon - when your mom needs to either slow way down or stop as she is doing now - for her own health.
Often 'talking logic' doesn't work in these situations. You do the best you can and that is all you can do.
What would you say, as a peer mentor, to a caregiver in the work you do? Often looking at a situation from another point of view more objectively helps us deal with a family situation. I know this is true for me working with others having an eating disorder. I think How would I talk to someone else having the issues / feelings I am having? I believe we give ourself more compassion when we consider another - although the situations are somewhat different here. It could give you another point of view to consider.
Let us know how you and your mom (and dad) are doing.
Gena / Touch Matters
My Mom spoiled my Dad. She did everything for him. She stayed home to care for 4 kids and eventually him. He went on disability at the age of 52. He was a tease, pushed her buttons and went over the line. Dad hadvasked her to do something I guess she felt he could do because she was busy. She said to him " You have been retired for 25 years, when is it my turn?" He said "never". That set her off. She said to me "They don't tell you when you say those vows that someday you will both be old and you don't feel like putting up with their s**t anymore". Yes, I laughed.
You Mom is no longer young. She does not have the energy nor the stamina she once had. She can't do this caring on her own anymore. She needs help. She is not a failure, her body is just not what it used to be.
Trying to change this mindset at age 82 is going to be next to impossible.
I like the idea of him giving her a weekend away with maybe a daughter or granddaughter just to do "Girl" things. A respite for her might help her understand that she too is entitled to a life of her own.
This is a difficult situation due to her attitude of pure servitude; she has never been her own person, many women of her generation know nothing else, sad but true.
Sending support your way.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9225-caregiver-burnout
I'd read this article with mom and print it out too. Sometimes a person has to realize that THEIR life is in danger by what they're doing, and that respite is a prescription, not a suggestion or an admittance of failure. This article is a wake up call.
Good luck to you.
It is to tell her that you understand she is the best caregiver anyone could get, but realistically she is 81 years old and is at risk. If she should get a catastrophic stroke then what about Dad?
You make it quite honestly clear that she is not superhuman. That her body at 81 has limitations. That she may well pre-deceed your father if she does not honor her own limitations.
Of course she may cry. That's called normal. But basically you stick to your guns.
Ultimately the sad truth is that you cannot force this issue while your mother is competent in her own decisions. You can make it HONESTLY clear to her the risk. That's all. And if she insists on doing it her way, then we all KNOW what may happen. Sadly that may be her wish. She may go first. Your father would then need placement. And there's little to be done about this.
She is already mourning and grieving all of this. It is WORTH mourning over. There WILL be tears. But you are not responsible to fix what cannot be fixed. You are face to face with Aging in our country, with aging in general. It's well worth the tears. I am so very sorry. YOU have all the tools and knowledge there is to have on ANY of this. You already know all I have said.