So I'm feeling like a complete sissy!
I have always been the rock for everyone!
I totally get the fact that the things that have occurred over the last 5 months have changed my life for an indeterminate period of time.
I have become responsible for truly 3 other people. My Mom, my Aunt and my seriously crazy cousin.
I know I'm not nuts, but when do you know it's time to go talk to a professional?
Will this just pass?
How do we just get over grieving our once peaceful life?
and it is hard.. Hang in there. I didn't realize how hard it is or was.. I don't know. I haven't talked to a "professional" .I use this Aging Care site as my "professional". I blog and get things off my chest. My advice to others, as I stated in one answer, are for reading, absorbing, and take what you want, discard what you don't want or like. It may help out later. Captain, who was on the site for a long time, is great.. I like his opinions. He is honest all the way..
Just hang in there. If you feel you need a "jump start", then find one you like and trust. Trust..
I lost a number of LO's in the past few years, very very close. I like to think they are up there, laughing at me, and saying I really screwed up...Or, hopefully, you really screwed up, but you meant well... One way or the other, You can be your own worst enemy.. DO NOT DO THAT... You are doing the best you can with the tools you have... And you ARE OKAY.... You are allowed to be the rock that wobbles when stepped on once in a while... Rocks can be rocky at times, as the paths that you take. You got to roll or role with it. Just stand up, dust yourself off, do a quick check. We are human.. You are allowed to feel that way.. If you can't do it, who can? And if you feel you need a talk with a professional, then make the appointment. It is okay. NObody should judge you.. Nobody.
You're spot on. And I also come here to vent. It does help to get things off my chest here instead of to my hubby.
I think while I have been trying to get two LO's settled into to assisted living in two different places and everything that goes with it , I have not been mindful of the time of the year. It's been close to 2 years (the week before Easter), that my brother committed suicide. Something that I honestly don't know if I will ever understand, however as you pointed out, it doesn't get better you just learn how to deal with it.
It still haunts me, but I don't dwell on it anymore. Easter is still kinda rough.
Thank you so much for your insight and support!
Praying for you and your family.
God bless and keep you!
There are times when I think I can't care give one more second. During those times I have learned it is my cue for some alone time. For me, that is a quick walk around the yard, petting my dog for a few minutes or simply plopping on the couch to watch a quick few minutes of the news. I come on here late at night or when mom sleeps. These few simple things help me decompress and refuel. I also pray a lot.
So I hope that you can remember, this too shall pass. If you need professional help then seek it out!. Whatever is going to help you come to terms with your current situation. Even if you find that caring for three other people is depleting you to the point that it is harmful to you, then get out! It isn't worth it in the long run.
Sometimes letting our loved ones go into facilities or have them hire other caretakers is the best for all concern.
Best wishes to you and please keep us posted to how you are doing.
Caregiver burnout becomes a serious problem, i.e. serious to the extent that it can have terrible consequences, when the damage done to the caregiver impacts on the person or people he or she is caring for.
In only the last couple of days there have been examples (including on the forum) of loving, caring, good people who have been driven to treat their loved ones cruelly and abusively. They are under such strain that they have lost sight of what they themselves want and are trying to achieve. Impatience becomes rough handling, frustration becomes spite, the longing for just a short break turns into neglect of immediate needs. It escalates from there.
And don't think it can't happen to you.
It’s time to speak to someone whenever you want to. It does help. A therapist has a way of helping us to see what we need to see. They truly are that outside objective voice. I would recommend it.
Best wishes to you. Take care 💗.
Seems disheartening that there are few answers to either one!
And you're right, God's grace is amazing!!
Although I don't have any thoughts of suicide (because I totally know the carnage that's left behind), I absolutely appreciate the fact that you brought up the subject! And the info!
Good for all of us that are in this together to know!
You are not a sissy. Your life matters. Please get help ASAP.
Also, for many of us there are rewards for caregiving. For starters, it can feel good to help someone when we can. That can add to our confusion. I think the bottom line is we all must set limits on how much time and energy we can give to caregiving. Often some stronger boundaries are needed. Please see previous post on this site about setting boundaries.
I assume you're Dad's POA.
I haven't even looked into reimbursing myself for counseling.
Because it's your Dad, I'm sure he's good with it, but do you know if it's within POA guidelines? If not, I will see what I can find. One of my biggest stressors is praying that I am doing everything legally. It's overwhelming.
Like you, there's no telling when the tears are gonna start.
It's awful!
Hang in there! God bless!
She's blessed to have you!
We aren't all under one roof thankfully.
I just moved my Mom to a facility nearby and my Aunt is in AL in California. My cousin (61 yrs) is currently in a homeless shelter.
I can't really have any contact with him because he has threatened to kill me. He has refused any help. He won't take his meds. He has been squatting in my Aunt and Uncles garage for over 20 years. My Uncle passed away and the house has been sold.
Although there is very little I can do for him, he's still my cousin. And out of respect for my Aunt, I try to keep tabs on him even though I live over a thousand miles away. My Aunt asks about his constantly. She doesn't remember his abuse. It's so sad. 😥
The realization that this could be more than a decade of caring for them is disturbing, but true.
I guess I thought we would get into a groove and things would be easier. It seems as though my loved ones are only going to decline and so is my anticipated groove.
Hang in there nymima!
I'll try to do the same!
God bless!
Please take care of yourself too!
When you feel stress is accumulating, then it is time to reach out for help: pastors, counsellors, good friends can listen and cue you into areas that may need changes.
Not sure if you have the financial means to hire someone for 24/7 so you can get a a break periodically. Or perhaps a relative(s) that could give you about a week reprieve, but it will allow you to rest your brain - and you need it. If you have any willing relatives, then ask. Don't wait for them to ask you what you need - ask them. If there is some $$ from any of these folks you take care of, use some for you. Not all of us have the means to get help even when there are multiple siblings. If you have access, use it. Best wishes to you!
"After the death of my Uncle, I have found myself responsible for my Aunt. They have a son. He is mentally ill and abusive towards my Aunt. I have found her a wonderful assisted living facility in California, but I would love to have her closer to me in Montana. Her son is in a homeless shelter and cannot do anything to care for her, but I hesitate to move her away from where he is. I truly need advice on what to do. I am grateful for any advice you can offer . I'm feeling very lost in this totally unexpected situation. Thanks for your support!"
You have choices. It sounds like you have bitten off more than you can chew. As sad as it is, you've done what you can for your aunt. You cannot also take on *her* "homeless" son.
As long as you continue to try to carry your mother, your aunt and your aunt's hopeless son atop your shoulders, no, this will not "just pass" and something will give e.g. your health, your marriage, your work, etc. If you consider yourself a fixer then seek help immediately from a professional who can help you extricate yourself from this triad of tragedy.
I am "The Fixer"!
Time to seek out a therapist!
Thanks!
By the time I stepped in, she was in the moderate stages of dementia/Alzheimer's, and unable to safely function on her own any longer. I decided to divorce my husband around the same time as I was clearing out my Mom's household hoard; I was truly alone and in a state of panic and shock. I found online forums to be somewhat helpful; this site and Alz.org are very good and free. I should have also been attending in-person support groups, but I was so busy working, running my own life, and my Mom's, so I didn't.
Since my Mom passed, I have formed a local meetup group for singles with loved ones afflicted by Alzheimer's/Dementia. Now, I have my Father's affairs to manage, since he has mild-moderate dementia and probably shouldn't be driving for too much longer. My new little group has about a dozen members so far and our first meeting is next month; it's in the Denver area if you happen to be in the Rocky Mountains. My idea is to focus on a few of the "big topics" with each meeting; for example, our first discussion will be centered on placement issues for our loved ones. The next meeting will probably focus on family dynamics (in-laws and outlaws). When I was in the thick of my despair, I self-medicated in a way by "extreme dating", overspending, and working out to the point of being skeletal (94 pounds). Can you objectively see that you are acting out in ways that are harming yourself or others?
Friends and family of course are usually(?) helpful, but I managed to push loved ones away and estrange myself from a few family members due to my bad behavior. I had a short fuse, and would shout on the phone with almost everyone; it embarrasses me to think about the way I acted. I was so angry and grief-stricken that I didn't realize what I was doing before I had damaged those relationships beyond repair. Without knowing how you are behaving (or not behaving?), my best advice is for you to take advantage of all the counseling and support groups that you can. These online forums are great, but nothing beats face to face support.
Have any of these folks appointed you their power of attorney?
Yes. Both my Aunt and my Mother have made me POA.
Again, I am not legally responsible for my cousin. I just try to keep tabs on him for my Aunt because she asks about his constantly. Also, because when my Aunt does pass. I am executor of the trust and will need to know where he is. Honestly, if walks away from the homeless shelter, I my never know where is .
If you really WANT to do this and need help in figuring out how to cope with the weight of the responsibility, then it's a great idea to speak to a pro. If not, then re-think the entire arrangement.
Whatever you decide, GOOD LUCK!