My mother passed away 5/28 after a year of living here with us. Tack on 3 years prior to that of us taking care of my wife's mother. We've been caregiving/working full time for the past 4 years.
My question is: When does it all return to normal? My wife and I both bark at the snap of a twig. We're both still in 'hyper-stress mode' I think.
I know it will take a while. Maybe months?
It has been a year since her passing (literally), and as I rest up, limit what I 'have' to do, and take care of my medical issues and needs, I am finally starting to lighten up with myself and the rest of the world. I am finding new ways to relax, and start enjoying the little things in life before tackling the big ones - meaning, the little things like working in my yard (potting up some summer pots) and then sitting in a chair outside and just admiring the great outdoors - and no more. Just 'being' instead of going on a 2 week long vacation or tackling that kitchen remodeling project.
When each of you are physically rested up - enough sleep, eating better - Start small but start every day. Find one thing for you - just you (a leisurely bath, reading a book you wanted to read, etc). And then find one thing for you as a couple - make dinner together - s.o. preps and you cook, go out to lunch in the middle of the workweek, etc.
And even with the one step a day it will take time to adjust and integrate. Be patient with yourself and each other, and be kind to yourself and each other. Find that 'new normal' way of being that will allow you to start moving forward.
How long - it all depends on each individual for there is no set timeframe. We all decompress differently. It could take months, it could take a year or two. You are trying to find your new 'normal' - not only as individuals (which is hard enough) but also as a couple.
Destressing takes training and skill. You might consider couples counseling, yoga classes, a planned vacation that can't be canceled, a road trip to a place you've never been, scheduling a weekend of comedy TV bingeing, a cooking class, a wine and painting class, dance lessons (Salsa should make an impact), a Chopra retreat (https://chopra.com/retreats?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=GS_NB_COLD_Perfect-Health_Exact&utm_content=_&gclid=CjwKCAjwy_aUBhACEiwA2IHHQF-uMA1xDAgQSxV3g1qziVbAcALiE2PvVkJfNxjeCtGN2nrdBOnDgRoCKOIQAvD_BwE) or do volunteer work in your community. Time to enjoy life and each other.
Goodness knows I don't mean to make light of this subject. My caregiving is still in ever blossoming full swing so specifically I don't know the answer especially because everyone is so, so very different.
But I'm a little whacky so as for myself, I suspect that between feeling a genuinely profound broken heart for the loss of my sweetheart once he passes and the shocking halt of having to serve and serve, and wash, and do, and fix, and plan, and doing children's puzzles, and driving, it seems like every twenty minutes, I may be doing the merengue standing on the couch in pretty short order. He'd be the first to laugh.
I imagine it might take me a good solid month to get back to normal, after my tick goes away, then I'd start looking at going to a beach for a couple of weeks.
Maybe you can gauge how long it will take the both of you to rebound from how you did in the past with other life-milestones.
You and your Mrs have been sharing a fox hole with bombs flying over head and exploding for two years. Both of you need TLC and to decompress. What did gentle fun look like before?
Do this...Check the weather forecast first. Don't surprise her but instead mention that a particular day looked pretty nice and ask what she thinks about YOU picking up some sandwiches or salads from the deli counter of a market and go for picnic. Ask her what she'd like to drink and if she'd like some cole slaw and chips. If she snaps "no" it may be because she hasn't found her footing yet. Her house was not hers for so long, and though I so very much understand that you lost your mom, I'm here to tell you dating your wife, movie and a dinner, bring in a Reuben from Clydes for lunch at home. Take her to a Town Center for shopping and lunch will smooth the way. Normal doesn't just happen. Life doesn't get back to normal from just staring and waiting.
Go to a children's petting zoo on a weekday. Take comfortable folding chairs to a park near an airport and watch the planes go over head. While you're out on a little shopping run and to fill up the car with gas take a few minutes to go to a gift boutique for something small, and give it to her while you're on that picnic or while watching the planes. Tell her that you appreciate her, and you are in awe for all she's done. Come on, you know women love words.
Yes, you've done a lot these last couple of years, and you just had a loss but more action is required because she was helping you with your mom. Your hurting but you asked and in my opinion with a couple in snapping-at-each-other trouble your going to have to do better than normal before normal comes back.
The very best of luck.
Be kind to yourselves. You did a good job of it with your mothers; now you are care taking yourselves.
I certainly understand the hyper stress. My situation helped bring on a minor stroke in March. Then they found a congenital hole in my heart so a little surgery to patch the hole. Now I am in recovery mode which has really helped destress.
Unfortunately my duties with the old ones have been passed to my sister and husband along with their share of the work. I am following doctor's orders to the letter so rebound can be speedy.
I would encourage you and your wife to get outside everyday. Go for lunch, garden, walk and find some things you used to enjoy. Maybe connect with some old friends. A long weekend away?
We just needed time to be numb. I caught up on tv shows I recorded and didn't have time to watch and I was just quiet. Take time to reconnect with your wife, each taking your own quiet time throughout the days. Go for walks, or drives, stop for lunch or dinner and just get out of the house when you can. I talked to my husband about how I was feeling and let it out. There wasn't anyone else who knew what it felt like so he was a safe person for me to be completely honest with.
When someone moves into your home, you no longer have the privacy you long for. Snuggling with your mate on the sofa and watching a great flick while sipping your favorite beverage was gone. Now it’s time for the two of you.
I agree with some of the other comments, in that a vacation is a great thing to do. But if you cannot afford to do so, then just take a long weekend at home with the two of you. Tell the rest of the family that you need some time alone and to not call.
I have been caring for my wife (a 67 y.o. Who is living with Alzheimer’s) for nearly 2 years now. I myself don’t understand what normal is like. I too will grieve when she is gone. I likely will be in your shoes when she does pass. But I pray I’ll get through the pain.
If I may, let me share this verse from the Bible. Romans 8:28 says, “All things work together for the good to them that love Him and are called according to His purpose.” It’s that last part I’d like to focus on. “…called according to His purpose.” Your purpose for 4 years was caregiving for your moms. Now it’s time for the two of you.
Look into each other’s eyes, apologize, forgive and love. Applaud yourselves for the stamina you had. It’s okay to talk about the rough times and the incidents that infuriated you both. But don’t stay there. Also talk about what awesome people you are for the care you did provide.
Lastly, if you don’t have it now, look into Long Term Care insurance for you both. If you have children, it will help them care for you when you reach the point of not being able to care for yourselves. I’m sure you’ve said, “I don’t want to put this kind of burden on our kids.”
I pray for your recovery!
Terry
But as one of the AgingCare hugs used to say, it's okay not to be okay. Be kind to yourselves.
I think you should go on a vacation! A change of location could really be helpful.
Prayers and Blessings
Instead you will now have to get used to your "new normal" which can be scary and exciting at the same time. So take some deep breaths, be kind to each other and be patient. Things will eventually fall into place.
Condolences on the death of your mother.
From experience, it takes a while to stop being hyper-alert. Have you tried any meditation apps? They can be quite effective at calming your nervous system down.