When I bring up what the cost of burial expenses will be when it’s her time to go Mom says, “Don’t worry, it’s all taken care of.” BUT IT’S NOT! Advice?

Hangingon61, I can understand your Mom not wanting to be placed in a skilled nursing home, because your Mom has visions of what was available way back when her own mother and her own grandmother needed care.... it was asylums. Dark dank places with unsmiling faces.

Mom probably doesn't realize that a nursing home would be very similar to where she is staying in Rehab. If she likes Rehab, then she would like today's nursing homes.

Plus your Mom may be from the era where women didn't work outside of the home when they had husbands to bring home the income. They just can't imagine those of us who are employed. The last time my own Mom had worked was back in 1946, thus once she got into her 80's and 90's she didn't understand I didn't have the time available she thought I had.

Hangingon61,
I understand selling the rings. I would clean them in jewelry cleaner then would take them to a couple of reputable jewlers for appraisal.
DO NOT sell them to the jewelry store.
Tell them you have a friend who wants to buy them but you don't know what they're worth. You "might" get a fair appraisal for them. They will quote you a rock bottom price if THEY were to buy them.

I did this with some jewelry and the quote was pennies on the dollar if they bought it. I was between jobs and I needed money. I sold my Princess Diana sapphire and diamond necklace, earrings and ring with a different style bracelet. I took it to the jewelry shop and he'd buy them $100. for all. I sold them on E-Bay for $750. !
Please research all the ways to sell your rings before you take the first offer.

When my dad passed, I didn't have much money to work with either. The Social Worker at the hospital gave me a list of resources and pointed out the lowest cost place for cremation. It was hundreds less than others. Take a day and call around. Google all the crematoriums and don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask prices. Ask if they have a payment plan. Contact your hospital's Social Worker for a list of creamatoriums.

I'm sorry you're in this predicament.
You could tell your mom (therapeutic fib) that she has to be transferred to another rehab (instead of NH). Hopefully she'll buy that explanation.

Try the Senior Center in your area for an Elder Law attorney who works free or for a donation. We got a nice older attorney who just asked for a donation. If you don't qualify as a "Senior", then you could do it in your mom's name. Try that before you spend the big bucks on a regular attorney.

Please don't feel badly about not having tons of money in the bank. A person's situation can change in the blink of an eye. Mine did. I had around $100,000 for retirement but, due to a devistating illness that just about killed my husband and an insurance company that refused to pay for upgraded care, he was "left to die". Not while I've got an ounce of breath left in me! That nice retirement nest egg is all gone, spent for great medical care (ICU for a month) but my beloved husband is alive and well. We had to come out of retirement and move to where the work was but it all worked out. Believe me, I'm sure waiting for the retirement at 65! 3 years, 9 months to go.

At one point we were down to our last $200. My grey roots were 2 inches long but I couldn't afford to get it done or even buy the box of color. THAT'S when the Good Lord came through. I got a call from my bank telling me my deceased ex in-laws had left me an inheritance. Glory hallelujah, I cried for joy and told the guy I could color my hair.

God provides. Ask Him for help, believe it will happen (without doubting) and you will be taken care of. (Matthew 21:22).

Hang in there, it will all work out.

Hangingon: If mom doesn't have the deed, you should ask the cemetery to supply it. Don't feel badly about your financial situation. There are a LOT of people struggling.

BarbBrooklyn my mom is already on Medicaid.
She applied for it after my dad passed years ago.
But the current facility she’s in now doesn’t accept Medicaid
Her Medicare is paying for the 2 months of rehab.
It is a very clean & good NH, one of the few around here anyway.
They’re ratings are very high & I would prefer my mom stay there but I’m afraid I’m going to have to start the nightmare of finding another place for her to go & that’s gonna be very hard to do..we live in a Chicago suburb & I would say 98% of the NH in the city of Chicago are places you wouldn’t send your worst enemy to.. they’re that bad.
My dad died in one, he was set on fire & had 3rd degree burns over 40% of his body.
He died 3 months later of sepsis at the VA hospital he was transferred to after being in the burn unit of Loyola Hospital for those 3 months.

Is Craig's List still around? I used it to sell my mom's stuff when she died 5 years ago, and also found a charity who would carry the rest of it away.

I'm so sorry that your mom isn't doing better.

She should stay in the facility as a long term patient. Will the facility help you apply for Medicaid? Are hospice services appropriate at this time?

Mom needs meds to calm her agitation. Are they giving her anything for that?

Payment for the lawyer, etc., comes out of the process of the house sale.

BarbBrooklyn yes she is in rehab because she’s fallen 2 weeks ago (her 3rd fall in a year & half) but her overall health has declined rapidly.
 The breast cancer they believe has Mets to her brain & lung. She can’t walk unassisted at all. Can barely make it out of her bed. 
She is receiving physical therapy every day but they held a care conference last Friday & the doctor she’s seen while there, the physical therapist & social worker ALL advised she not return home & she needs to get 24 skilled nursing or nursing home.
My mom has had made me promise that she would never go into a NH because in our family, her grandmother & mother were taken care of by her when they got sick & they both died at home.
Both my grandfather & my dad helped out financially so there wasn’t a money issue in hiring extra nursing help.
So my mom thinks I should be able to do the same for her.
She doesn’t seem to accept that I DO NOT have the means nor does she to be able to pay for 3 shifts of in home nursing so she can stay home.
I do not have a SO, no money to do anything but pay my own bills (which I’ve posted before is pretty shaky).
She gets very very angry, then starts crying when I bring up the idea of having to sell her house & she goes to a NH.
I’ve posted about this whole situation previously & it’s made me physically ill, dealing w/the demands of my mom & the stress. 
I’ve been told by the social worker (like many of you all on here) that my mom is making bad decisions for herself & I shouldn’t feel guilty about that..
But if something tragic happens to her by returning to her house, and they all agree it’s not a matter of “if”, but “when”..
 how can I NOT worry or accept that I can’t be there w/her knowing how fragile she is right now??
I’ve had issues about having to sell her house to pay back the reverse mortgage, worried that because her house is in such disrepair, the sale may just be enough to cover what’s owed to the RM, with very little to nothing left over for me..not even enough to cover my mom’s cremation or her wishes to go into the crypt w/my sister.. all because of my mom’s resistance to never doing anything to prepare for her future.
 I can say having to deal with this has probably cost me some of my sanity & I don’t know how to recover once it’s over.
I’m extremely angry at my mother because of her selfish acts at the expense of me, her only child, yet at the same time I feel sorry for her & know I will be very very sad when I do lose her.
 Just a very stressful place to be in.
Right now I do have to get advice on selling hers & my grandmothers wedding rings. 
I’ll need that money I know for some expense that’s gonna happen when the house gets sold.. if I’m not having to walk away from it (if the realtor says the house willl sell for more then what’s owed to rm) then I’ll need to hire some movers to get all her stuff out, keep what I want & put somethings into storage (may or may not store anything but that depends on what it is), plus I’ll probably need $ for our attorney to handle the house deed/transfer stuff since the house will go to me & I don’t have a clue on what’s involved with that as I’ve never owned a home.

Your mom is in rehab? That's wonderful!

I visited my mom tonight @ the rehab place she’s at & asked her about the bill or receipt she received back in 1975 (when my sister passed & she & my dad prepaid for my mom to use the 2nd level of the crypt) & my mom said “it’s in one of my files that are on my dresser, you’ll have to look for it there”.
I had spent 3 days last year trying to organize my mom’s important documents, her marriage certificate, my fathers death certificate, mine & my sisters birth & death certificates, etc and never once did I see a receipt from the cemetary for my sisters burial there so I told my mom that & she persisted that “it’s in there”..
So I’m going to take no more then 15 minutes tomorrow when I go to her house to look for it.
If I don’t find it, only thing I can do is call the cemetary & ask for a copy of the bill.
I will tell them I’ll come to pick it up because I don’t want them mailing it to me in case I never receive it..
Once I get it, I’m hoping that it will describe exactly what my mom & dad paid for..
I don’t want to get ripped off by them which I’m not naive, I know these things happen..
But at the same time, I’ve decided (to myself) that I’m going to forgo putting my mom in the crypt w/my sister and just keep her ashes w/me.. the same as what I’ve done w/my dad’s..
When I die, whoever finds me will also find my mom & dad’s ashes & hopefully we’ll all end up somewhere together.

Hanging on, you are correct about the SS death benefit. It is only paid to a surviving spouse.
Is it possible that your mom has a life insurance policy you were unaware of that she is counting on to cover the expense?
The other possibility is that she did prepay for everything, but if she can't tell you who to contact at the funeral home or mausoleum, or come up with paperwork-- a contract, receipt, or even cancelled check--and if no one at the funeral home agrees with her, you have no proof.
Perhaps you should try looking at any paperwork she has regarding your sister's passing, since that may have been when the payment was made. Did she keep sympathy cards, any mementos of the service? Maybe a receipt or contract might be there.
I would suggest that you might ask her who she made the arrangements with so you can be "sure to do what" she planned. Perhaps the people you called at the cemetery weren't the ones where the arrangements were made.
Some have made suggestions here about free cremation. Perhaps you could keep her ashes until you are able to place them with your sister's, whether through sale of the house or whatever.
Please be at peace with this, as you will find strength and wisdom to do what you need to do; and there will be people who will come alongside to help you when you need help--who won't expect you to pay them.

Countrymouse no both my mom’s & granny’s rings are diamond bands.
Not sure of how much but I’d say at least a karat could be more.
I have no relatives or children so I wouldn’t keep the rings anyway because when I die, I don’t want whoever finds me when they go thru my stuff to get them.

Hangongon61, I suggest calling around for quotes on no-frills cremations. (Without viewing or service.) And/or donating Mom’s body to science.

Forget the mausoleum. Not sure what Mom paid for, but completing her arrangements through that funeral home and memorial park requires a significant $ top-up — that Mom doesn’t have and you don’t have.

Not to sound crass, but Mom won’t be around to know that you did not install her in the mausoleum slot next to sis. Right...?

Do you have siblings or close family that will balk at this? If so, bring them into the conversation as late as possible (sounds like you’re Mom’s #1 by a long shot). Stay calm and be frank about the price that the funeral home/cemetery quoted you. If anyone’s shoulds-and-woulds are not accompanied by an offer to foot the bill, politely end the conversation and do only what you can afford.

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad that you did not provide their preferred way of sending off your mother’s cremains. There are countless ways they can honor your mother’s memory without putting you in the poorhouse.

Standing on ceremony is....just that. Customary, perhaps. But certainly not required.

Life is hard enough after you lose your last parent. No need to make it harder by taking on debt you cannot afford.

MaryKathleen, not totally sure but if dad was a vet, I believe the rank of the serviceman will dictate where he gets to be buried.

Let me reiterate the word "DEED."

Agree with RayLinStephens. You need to find the contract to know exactly what was prepaid. If your mom no longer has it, the the masouleum should have a copy. If there is disagreement about the terms of the contract, then you might need an attorney.

Hangingon, don't even think about selling your mother's and your grandmother's wedding rings in an attempt to pay for the disposal of your mother's ashes. The money won't come close, even if you get a fair price.

We are talking about plain gold bands, yes? So even if they are very good quality, 18 or 22 carat gold, their resale value wouldn't reach a thousand dollars each. Not even nearly.

For academic interest, today's "gold spot price" on the international markets is $42.96 per gramme. Compared to most other things you'll ever buy by weight, that's a lot of money. But in terms of the price you'll get for your heirlooms, it's almost insulting. Keep them for their meaning.

What you need to do instead - though actually, you know, you really *don't* need to do this, not now - is make a start on sorting out your mother's paperwork. If she gets upset when you rummage through her things (and I can't blame her - wouldn't you?), then just leave it. Sooner or later it will fall to you, probably, to clear up whatever she leaves behind. But this just isn't the kind of job it is sensible to do piecemeal. You will eventually need to gather together *all* of her paperwork and get it into order.

"Sufficient unto the time is the evil thereof..."

And, by the way, it isn't true that most people of your age would have the means to pay for their parents' funeral rites. And even of those who would, a good handful of them bitterly resent the expense. Sit easy. This just isn't something you need to worry about.

My mom DID give me her wedding ring, along w/her mom’s (my grandma) to sell once she’s gone so I’m thinking I should go find out how much they're worth & see if I can use that money for her.
Scary to say but I don’t know the first thing about getting jewelry appraised.
Do I bring the rings to a jeweler & let them look at them & tell me how much they’re worth?
I’ve casually asked a few people about that & they both said “don’t let the rings out of your sight.. don’t let the jeweler take them in the back room, or tell you something like we need to use a different lens so I’ll be right back”..
Would a legit jeweler try the old “switcharoo”??
If they try that & I say “no, you need to look at them here, in front of me” will they get offended that I’m implying they’re dishonest & maybe trying to rob me & then they say “no, then we can’t help you”..
I  should just walk out..
Has anyone had to sell/or get jewelry appraised that you inherited?

If your dad was a vet, could she be buried in a National Cemetery? Hugs to you, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. ((Hugs))

Here’s a good website that lists different regions of the US and contact person for laws on scattering ashes. 

cremationsolutions.com/information/scattering-ashes/scattering-ashes-laws-and-regulations

Thanks everyone.
Some of the questions I’ll answer here.. my mom can’t find any papers or she’s having trouble remembering where they are so she just  gets mad at me when I say I’ll look for them.. makes me think she wasn’t given any papers about the crypt being “prepaid”.. but I do think when my sister passed, the amount my parents paid at that time was for 2 people to be buried there, so there is room for my mom to go in there.
The charge quoted to me from them was $3795 Mon-Fri & $3995 if on a Saturday.
From what I was told they will have to move my sister’s casket to the lower level, and place my mom’s urn on the top level above her.
He didn’t say that price includes the cremation, as it’s just for opening, moving , placing & closing within the crypt.
Her cremation would be done at a funeral home I assume, not at the mauseleom.
So how can I get them to come down on the price??
I can’t compare it to other mausoleums because my mom wouldn’t go anywhere else since my sister wouldn’t be there  so I am concerned about being overcharged, but don’t know how I can let them know that’s what I think they’re doing w/out causing a great deal of hostility...
My mom’s reverse mortgage will need to be paid back when she does or goes to a nursing home  & since I can’t get a mortgage (neither can I afford to live in her house anyway) I will have to sell it.
Not sure how much will be left over as her total right now is pretty high, the damn interest is killer..
I am struggling financially myself.
Live check to check every week.
Pretty scary thinking I could be homeless if I didn’t work my 2nd job.
My dad was a ww2 Vet & they paid for his cremation back in 91’ when he died.
My mom also received the one time death benefit, I think it was around $250, but someone on here mentioned I would get that when my mom dies, but I don’t think so because I’m her child, not her spouse & doesn’t it usually just go to the spouse & not the children??
The vet buriel is supposed to be for the wife of the vet, but I have my dad’s ashes, he wasn’t buried anywhere.
I may just have to do the sme thing w/my mom (keep her ashes) but then is still need to come up w/the money for her to be cremated, which I don’t have either.
I’m ashamed to say, I’m a bust out & feeling very guilty over this.
Most people my age (56) would have the means to pay for their parents last expenses, but I don’t & it’s making me feel pretty sh*tty.

Arleeda, At the cemetery in my Indiana hometown, according to the local newspaper, a family asked to have their loved one's already-paid-for grave opened so they could inter the ashes there. When the cemetery told them the cost--as I recall, maybe a few hundred bucks--the family refused to pay it and left. Later, the cemetery workers found cremains scattered on the grave. Very bad results. It seems it's illegal in IN for cremains to be placed that way. Big trouble for the cemetery and the bereaved family. So.....you might want to check before you follow up with your plans.

Hangingon61,
If it were me, I wouldn't upset your mom at this point. You said she has no money anyway, so how could she pay more right now? Why have her die thinking that she won't be able to be where she wants to be? ("Therapeutic fib" for kindness.)

What type of reverse mortgage does she have?
Do you plan on paying the loan back and keeping her house?
Would you be able to get the money out of the reverse mortgage or would she need to be present?
If you paid for her costs on a credit card then pay off her reverse home mortgage over a few months (providing that's doable), could you then sell her house and pay off your credit card?

Worse case scenario, you have her cremated for the cheapest price and keep her ashes until you can put her in the mausoleum.
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I've checked 2 places here in Tijuana for my mom, so far. One very large and famous mortuary charges $3,200. U.S. dollars. They practically refused to give me what I wanted-just a simple cremation.
(In Mexico many people are buried. They have very long viewing and visiting hours-from morning to midnight then closed during the night, then open for the morning again next day.). Also, their half open caskets are covered with glass (or a plastic) so you can't touch the deceased.) I didn't want a casket, a viewing, a procession, a burial or crypt-nothing. They treated me like I was committing a sin. They wouldn't budge on the price even though I'd only get a simple cremation.

The other one we checked charged $600. U.S. dollars for just a cremation and a cardboard box. You can buy other nicer wooden or metal boxes/urns for a charge.

I'm with cetude, why spend thousands on a lifeless body? To me, the essence of the person (soul) has transcended and no longer needs the body. I know a lavish church service, funeral procession, casket, gravesite service, gravesite location and headstone, etc. has meaning to many and that's great if someone can afford it but, for me, keep it simple. Spend the money on me while I can enjoy it! And I'm going to spend most of what I have before I go! ;)

We live by the sea, and most people I know have put their parents’ ashes into the sea, usually from a boat or a jetty. I have never fancied the ‘urn on the shelf’ option. Sister's ashes won't know if she joins them or not.

My mother had really strong views about expensive funerals, and she was revolted at the idea of embalming and open casket viewing. I checked around for quotes for cremation and a funeral service. One firm advertised ‘from $x’, a very low figure. When I asked, they said that was only for ‘pauper’ funerals for the state government. I said that if it was advertised but not available, I would take it up with our state Consumer Affairs department, and suddenly it was available. We had a basic coffin, covered with my mum’s bedspread, and the service was fine. We sprinkled her ashes from the shore at the beach we went to with her as children.

We did it the way she had talked about for years, and were glad we did. It’s not the easiest thing to negotiate immediately after a death, but you are doing it anyway. The funeral business has been exposed as a rip-off many times, so stick to your guns!

If you can convince your mother that the final expenses have not been prepaid, does she have any funds to do anything about that?

Why is she opposed to borrowing on the reverse mortgage?

Hangingon61: You could keep her remains at home with you once she passes and I'm so sorry to hear that your mom is terminally ill. If everything were paid for at the cemetery, they would have issued her a DEED. That is key here; either locate the document (deed) or the cemetery is ripping you off because if mom has the deed, she owns the place of her burial.  I dislike asking, but you  will have to consider her reverse mortgage when she passes. Most reverse mortgages must be repaid (including all unpaid interest and fees) when they leave the home permanently. This includes when they sell the home or die. However, most reverse mortgages are owner-occupier loans only so that the borrower is not allowed to rent the property to a long-term tenant and move out. A borrower should check this if he thinks he wants to rent his property and move somewhere else

Get a written quote from the cemetery. Then, set up a burial account at a bank. This money can only be accessed upon her death. In Mass. the limit it $1500. Just put a little in each month. When she passes, I believe that SS pays $250 or $350 death benefit.

Oh, if the diseased is indigent, our county will cremate that person. A relative has to fill out an Indigent program form and if you wish the ashes you can make small monthly payments. So, if you truly have no money, remember, the county will take care of the remains.

I live in California, I just rechecked with the Memorial Society I have my prepaid cremation program with. Today it is $695.00 for pickup, consultation and cremation. That is all. At one of our local cemeteries you can scatter the ashes in a beautiful rose garden for $350.00. For my mother we scattered her in a forest where she loved to go. So there was no additional cost. My sister in law was buried and I don't know the cost of the plot, in her cardboard box with her favorite fabric wrapped around it. She was a quilter and you can take some of it with you. In fact I have some of the same fabric and I think of her every time I see it.

I would revisit the cemetery and get a breakdown of the costs.

I agree, just tell your mother that it looks to you that she won't be buried with sister unless you have a better idea of what she means by it is all taken care of.

I have paid about $2500 for my cremation and a plastic box. I have asked my son to take ashes to my father's family cemetery in a small country town and throw them near the headstone I purchased some years ago--only needs to have date of death engraved. My husband is buried in his family's plot in another city, but there was no room there for me or for my sister-in-law's husband. My husband died unexpectedly 5 years ago and that seemed the best thing to do at the time. I did save some of his ashes to mix with mine, but I don't really care if the children don't do it. I won't be around to fuss!

Here in Central New Jersey, I went to several funeral homes to inquire about prepaying for one. My MIL, who is still alive at 94, just wants cremation and no funeral services of any kind, nor any casket. She wants her family to scatter her ashes in the ocean. In New Jersey, you can't arrange for cremation without going through a funeral home. The homes all gave me quotes around $2,900 - $3,000, including the cost of cremation. They tacked on a host of administrative fees. If there is any such thing as a "cheap funeral" , I haven't found it. My sister in Florida wanted the same thing, except rather than scattering her ashes, she wanted them buried with her husband in the Veterans Cemetery, which is done at no cost. We transported the ashes to the cemetery. The funeral home charged $2,900.