I cared for my mother 5 yrs prior to her being moved from home to an assisted living facility. Another family member is now incharge . She has been there for 3 yrs but is miserable. I dont see the facility doing anything to help. I don't see her out of her room. I don't see facility staff with her and to me she seems to be more a burden to the other family. They handle her buisness but that's about it her phone was taken way claiming financial resons but I believe it was a bother. Too many calls. Now she has no way to reach out even in emergancy. She's scared constantly. No outside contact from family unless they visit. I visit frequently, added a sign in when we visit and my name and the church friends are the only names. I see rarely family. From day 1 she only wants to be home. I couldn't do it alone but in home was never considered. I see her declining but I want to give her some comfort in her last days I wouldn't send a dog to go die alone let alone my mother. Dementia is an issue but I believe her misery is killing her faster. I'm not qualified. Would in home help too late to come back? I feel I'm dieing right along with her and have no input to her care. House is being sold then she has no where to come back to if it's not too late. She says she just wants to die. I know my father would never allow her to be treated like this.
I do know from experience that all types of facilities are understaffed. They don’t really have the time to give each resident a lot of personal one on one attention. When my mom was in Memory Care, there were residents who sat in the hallway, by the Nurse’s Station or stayed in their room all day. They were clean, fed and supervised, but that was pretty much it. Have you asked the other family members if she could be moved to Memory Care? She seems beyond Assisted Living. I have to say, with the phone thing, that my mom’s “disappeared” as well when she began calling me at 3AM. If she had an emergency, she should ring the buzzer for the nurse who is closer-by and really not try to call family.
Even if you don’t have POA, perhaps you can call a meeting with the other family members to hear their opinions and experiences and reasons for doing what they’re doing. From your post, it sounds like you might be “on the outside looking in” and if you had a calm and respectful fact-finding meeting with them, it might clear things up for you.
I’d caution you against bringing her back to your home. You mention you’re not qualified and I’d have to agree, not meaning to be insulting. Right now, she has 24/7/365 care which one person cannot provide. This would be an emotional decision on your part. Think it through. Have the meeting first and then go from there.
Being scared all the time is probably caused by the dementia. Some people react to being scared by not wanting to leave their room and join others in the facility's common areas. One of the behaviors when anxiety begins is using the phone to call people repeatedly at inappropriate times; it's not unusual for a family member to receive calls as often as every 5 minutes and sometimes dozens during a single day or overnight. It may be difficult for you to see the anxiety effect during relatively short visits of a couple of hours. I suggest you take a couple of days and try to spend most of the day with your mother. Suggest taking a meal in the dining room or sitting in a garden or other common room.
The awful way you feel seeing Mom struggling and not being able to do anything about it is also common to the family members responsible for overseeing your mother's care. Your mother's disease is no one's fault. The person my father's vascular dementia turned him into was so painful to experience I often limited my visits to a couple of hours once a week. I was fully involved in his care, sometimes discussing his status with his caregivers several times a day, but you would not have seen my name in a visitors' log more than once a week very often.
The house is probably being sold to provide funding for her care. I had to do the same to provide for my father's MC because his monthly income would only cover about 60% of the cost. That's not a fun job either.
Mom may be helped by an evaluation from a geriatric psychiatrist and some anxiety medication. You can ask your mother's POA/guardian to consider requesting an exam.
You can make your mother's last days more pleasant by focusing on things she still enjoys. Some music she likes and your company may relieve her anxiety as much as any medication.
Accepting this difficult reality is the best care available is a very hard road emotionally. You will grieve over the lost of your mother's life as a healthy elder and anger is one part of the grief process. Please try not to take your perfectly normal anger out on your mother's caregivers, who neither caused your mother's decline or have any real control over it.
I can't imagine how I could structure her days. I wonder if you could get her a phone with prepaid minutes so that issue would not get out of control. If she came home would you be able to afford in home care? Do you think that would make a big difference to her? I am just posing these questions for you to consider what the alternate choice might be like. I am sorry about what you are experiencing. I hope you find a solution that fits the situation