We moved in with my mom after dad died 1 1/2 years ago and it seems like the chaos never ends. My siblings were all for it till the reality hit them that they couldn't continue to sponge money from mom all the time which cut into their income. I mean seriously my husband and myself have a nice nest egg built and own a home have two productive children who are doing ok. My sister has never been married and my brothers divorced from a drunk who does drugs with his two adult boys. He had them living with my parents for years and they were weedling money from my parents that whole time. I never asked for money from my parents yet was told by their financial advisor that it was normal for my parents to pull out huge sums of money every year to cover the so called loans to them all. Every last one comes by and does the sob story don't know how I can do this that or the other thing and hinting for money which my mom feels sorry for them and wAnts to fix whatever the issue is. My sister is the worst and my mom's favorite. Even the psychologist mom sees said that mom can't see anything wrong in the things they do. Mom is always saying I need to forgive my siblings placing the claim for the strained relationship on me. They treat my husband horribly and there's been many times I wonder how he could love me enough to put up with this crap. We have no respite without leaving people in charge who have no respect for us. My sister goes through my mom's things and I think she's taking things and my brother thinks he can do anything even though this is our home too right now. We have a home of our own which is filled with all the things you accumulate in a thirty year marriage raising two kids. We live here with mom because she refused to move to our home and it's really not a good place for her anyhow. Extreme temps, stairs, and it would be hard for her to get around. She also has memory issues which get much worse when she's not in her regular environment.
I'm so stressed that it's hard to function and do what needs to be done. My husband seems even worse. I would have walked away from this last July if I had known what I do now. We gave up retiring next year, lost a lot of money from moving here, gave up most of our assets just to make it and my family is still playing games with mom. I just am wishing this would end so I don't have to watch any more of this.
We also had to force my drug addict nephew to get a job and move out. Took six months and ended up causing a demotion for my husband because of the things this kid his brother and the kids mom did. We were on track for retirement next year and now it's pushed years down the road because of my family and my husband's job is hundreds of miles away from where our own home is. I'm at the point that I don't want a relationship with my family after my mom is gone but I'm trying to keep her happy by playing nice with my siblings even though I know they are scamming her.
At this point I am grateful for a husband who stands by my side but I see the stress it's causing him and I just don't know how much more I can take of watching them hurt him. I just want to go home but feel I can't because it would leave my mom vulnerable to them and my husband's job is now here.
I sit wondering if I should take the few hours my sister has offered to be here Saturday while my brother works on her car and go do something knowing that I will come back and spend the next week searching for things mom suddenly says are missing. I frankly could care less about the possessions except that they are precious to mom.
Mom requires my help bathing, uses a walker, has issues swallowing so needs supervision eating, requires totalling separate foods from what my husband and I eat.
Since you do know what you know now, why not start arranging to walk away? Or at least on setting boundaries with your siblings and arranging for more respite for you and your husband? If you can't trust your siblings in the house when you are not there, hire a companion to sit with Mom so you can go out on a regular basis.
This situation is not working for you. You need to make some changes. I hope it doesn't have to be as drastic as walking completely away, but do what you have to do.
My heart goes out to those who truly can't afford help, but usually they then qualify for some assistance. But people who are saving their assets to give to kids who aren't helping? Sorry, I'm a whole lot less sympathetic then.
Can you & husband move to an affordable apt or back to your own home?
Can you move mom to memory care or group home; use her assets as others have suggested to provide for her care as long as possible and then she will qualify for medicare?
This will surely stop the family leeches from having further access to her investments and estate
If dr willing to declare incompetence, then if you are DPOA; you can take care of her funds and/or transfer her accounts to a new bank account to use only for mom and give mom a small allowance that she can do whatever she wants with, including giving away to her other children if she so chooses, but it will at least limit the amounts they get.
You are seriously about to have a breakdown which won't be good for anybody and you can't control mom's spending (gifting).
I vote, move mom and then move out; selling house and placing funds in acct for mom's care.