My dad passed a year ago and mom lives with us now. She is extremely needy of my time. Financially she is ok but is very fixated in money - she does not want to rent her own place - she says it is because she can't afford it and she doesn't want to be alone. She does not want to meet people or find hobbies to keep herself engaged. I believe she has the starting of dementia or Alzheimer's but refuses to get tested. Mimi don't know where to begin......
One thing that happens is that they may not be able to learn new things. That may be why she can't figure out how to get back from the store, after you have repeatedly showed her how.
She's needy of your time. Often the person with dementia will start attaching to one person. They are overly needy and it's not really something they can control. There are neurological reasons for it and I can't site them here, but, a neurologist may be helpful.
She says she doesn't want to live alone. Often things are changing in their brain and it scares them. They know something is going on and they want to be near someone they love and trust. They need that security. Also, she may be losing track of time and not realize how much time she requires from you.
She is obsessed with money. Often they will latch on to a topic, item or subject and not let go. With my cousin it was her cat. She loved it, talked to it and about, and watched it constantly. Nothing could dissuade her. She may be locked into the finances. Plus, she may sense that she''ll need more care as she gets worse and she's worried about the costs.
Stops wanting to meet new people or go out much. They have likely started forgetting things, like words, names, how to respond to people. That can be embarrassing, especially around new people. They try to cover up and may do a good job, but, it's tiring to keep up the facade. Being in new and strange places can be too intimidating.
And she may have lost interest in old hobbies. The coordination decreases and with the fear, can come depression, which causes a loss of interest in old activities.
I would definitely cut out her driving and try to give some extra time and encouragement. If she does want to go somewhere arrange a driver.
Maybe, looking very carefully, you can tell if any of these things are happening. It might explain some things. I hope it's not this, but something else that can be remedied.
Interestingly, when my sorrowful friend went to check on Mom the next day, she was out with her new neighbors; and after that, Mom was almost never available to visit with her family, because she was out running around with her new friends. A year or so later, she remarried!
Grief is a curious emotion, and it seemed to really help this lady to have the new friends in the senior complex who had also gone through the loss of their husbands. She would never have sought them out on her own; but once they reached out to her, she became a new person.
Check with your local Agency on Aging to find out what housing resources are available in your community.
It sounds as though your mother is feeling extremely sorry for herself and wants to be 'babied.' Well, she has things to feel sorry for herself about. On the other hand, it will do her no good to get stuck like that; and meanwhile the world doesn't work as she wants it to. No matter how much she is loved as a mother, food and fuel and phone bills and the rest of it still cost money, and her notion that you take her in and foot all her bills as part of your daughter's privileges... hmmmm. Don't think so!
Sympathy for her grief is one thing. But at the same time, to serve her as well as you can, encourage her to look ahead and find some meaning in the rest of her life. You can be firm and practical without being unkind; and in the end if she turns down all your suggestions and proposals and would rather sit in her chair and sulk, that's where your boundaries come in and you remember that her loneliness and lassitude are her problem, not yours. She can please herself, but she can't help herself to all of your time and limitless resources.
I'm not unsympathetic to her because starting again when you're old and sad is not easy. It's difficult to find the motivation to change at the very moment when your life has been torn up by the roots. Keep suggesting ideas, comfort her; and above all take care of yourself. It's fine to give it a bit longer and see if she turns a corner, but it may be in the long run that independent living will be a better solution for all concerned, not least her.
She is extremely needy of your time. Has she always been needy - ie was she like this with your Dad, or was she controlling when you were younger?
She is fixated on money - Is that new? Has she always held the purse strings or is this something new to her? Both can cause a fixation but it is far more common in people who haven't had to hold the purse strings before.
She does not want to rent her own place - she says it is because she can't afford it and she doesn't want to be alone. Now truth time - can she afford to rent her own place? AND the care that will go alongside that? So I imagine we are talking assisted living. Oh and by the way she may not want to be on HER own but what do YOU want sweetheart?
She does not want to meet people or find hobbies to keep herself engaged. In your heart of hearts do you think this is her grieving or that she simply wants to control and manipulate you or do you truly think it is a dementia rather than narcissism/ egocentricity on her part?
If you truly believe that she has dementia then try this tack. I am hoping she is on some form of meds here but even if not there may be a route forward.
If she is on meds tell her that as she now lives in your house and you are responsible for her that you insist she has an annual review of medication and a well-being check up. The latter is not a bad idea anyway because it will pick up any oddities early on so the well-being check up could be used if she isn't on meds.
She may just be depressed hun so it might be worth talking to the doc in advance and telling him your concerns - he can do a check covertly but I am not sure how far they can action their findings in the USA.
I always wonder in cases like this how the estate is set up as far as heirs. Do all 5 of you inherit equally? Or is there likely to be no estate?
I am of the opinion that the children who do more deserve more.
Mother lives with my brother and his family. My SIL simply has chosen to not interact with mother at all. I don't blame her. Mom is hard to deal with, and she is not her daughter! Mom HAS 3 daughters, I am the only one who actually DOES anything for her.
Set up plans for financial "splits" so she is paying her own way. Mother doesn't begin to pay for her "care". Yes, this has caused GREAT animosity as my brother had to quit his 2nd job to care for mother, and he is not reimbursed.
Looking back, when we moved mother and dad into my brother's home, there was no talk of "boundaries" nor caregiving rotations, none of that. It's been a mess, sometimes, as we fumble to know who should be responsible for what. The POA's were set up years ago, my younger brother has all the "power" but she's not living in his house.
One thing I know, I won't do this to my kids.
I am going to look into professional caregivers for mother. She needs someone to drive her and do some basic things. She might like having a personal assistant!
She lived with us multiple times and I become very stressed that she had no interests, not even watch soap operas. She didn't enjoy reading, didn't have any hobbies, found reasons to not talk on the phone, yet complained that she was bored. The only time she came out of that shell was when we had company over and then she loved being the center of attention and getting sympathy.
At one party a very nice woman spent quite a bit of time with her and as this woman was leaving I thanked her for the time she had spent listening. She replied that she had done social work at a senior residence and that she recognized that my MIL was a "handful".
So, do your best to keep the house running as it has in the past. Make a list of possible activities (church, senior center, hospital, clubs) and transportation (Access, Uber, Lyft, etc.) Try just 1 a month. Continue to charge her rent but if possible put it in a savings account for her future use, but do not let her know that. Communicate with relatives here and there about how she is doing so she can't play a game of claiming to be neglected. Be sure she does as much for herself as possible, and maybe to help the family such as folding laundry, or setting the table for dinner. Be sure to thank her for each thing she does and tell her how important it is to the family.
Last, have some girlfriends you can call who will just listen to you "whine and complain". It is very theraputic for you and helps you cope. Keeping a journal helps also as it is a place where you can put your frustrations and daily situations on paper.
Good luck.
But...in the end...your Mom is your Mom. It is what it is. Is she going to embrace the senior center and make new friends thereby taking some of the heat off of you? ???? That depend son her personal history. Is he that kind of person???? Does she jump into things and warm easily to people. I can tell you of my mother that her ONLY interest in other people is whether or not they can play bridge. Not a joiner, does not warm to people.
So, really the first step to sanity in all of this is ACCEPTANCE. Sooner or later you will accept the situation/her for what/she is. Then go from there. You can't change her attitude or behavior--but you can change yours.
Good luck!
Her sulking and passive aggressive behavior is intended to punish you, in the hope that would won't leave her alone again. But what if you don't react to it at all? Pretend you don't even notice it. That kind of defeats her purpose, doesn't it?
Or if she is being particularly obnoxious what if you said, "You know, Mom, I love you but when you are in this mood I don't enjoy your company very much. I'm going back out, to read in the park. I hope you are in a better mood when I get back."
Or is she simply a needy widow who is living with you?
Is she paying you room and board? She certainly should be. Unless she has expensive medicines to buy, etc. she should not expect to get a free ride. That just feeds into her fantasy about not spending her money.
Can she be left alone? Do you go out sometimes with friends? To run errands? To shop? Gently break her of the habit of depending on you 24/7.
A year isn't enough time to fully move on from the death of a spouse. But it is time enough for people who love her to encourage some moving forward and to embrace her independence.
If Mom does indeed have the beginnings of dementia then it probably isn't realistic to expect very much moving forward. She will need a lot of emotional support. But even if dementia is present she should be encouraged to do what she can for herself and to have a broader circle of people to interact with than just your household.
If there is a senior center near by and you are able to go with her, try it out for half a day, have lunch there. I realize Mom won't jump for joy at the place, but it is a start. Get a schedule and try to lure her with something she might like.
Another idea is to hire a caregiver who could be a companion for your Mom. The tough part with be finding one who has the same interest and whom your Mom would enjoy being with. Don't use your money, this would need to come from Mom's bank accounts. Keep track of all the paperwork in case later down the road Mom needs to apply for Medicaid.
My Dad had a caregiver who he couldn't wait until she showed up in the morning, as she would chat and joke with Dad, take him for walks, even drive him for hair cuts, or to the store to get him out of the house.