My sister has been the primary care giver of my Dad who is 84. My sister has stage 4 lung cancer now, lost her job and cannot physically or financially help my Dad. She and her husband live in the southwest. Her husband is angry, fed up and will not contribute another dime to help my Dad who has leeched off all of us family members over the years. He's upset that his wife broke her own health to give her Dad the life of a "King". However, he has agreed to pay for 3 month Assisted Living just to try and get his wife back, then he's done with supporting my Dad financially. I have bailed my Dad out of his financial messes over the years and got myself in debt as a result. My husband is sick of this mess. I cannot afford to care for my Dad either and risk losing my marriage. I live in Minnesota and my husband is angry about my sisters illness and how my Dad is more worried about his future than his own daughter's. My husband refuses to contribute any more money to my Dad's well being and will separate from me if I don't unite with him. Not only that, my husband made it very clear that Dad is not welcome to live with us. My sister is dying and all she's worried about is what is going to happen to my Dad after those 3 months are up in the Assisted Living facility. I joined this forum to see if there are others out there in a similar situation and what comfort I can offer my sick and worried sister regarding my Dad's future. Once he's evicted from the Assisted Living facility will he be on the streets or will he be a ward of the state?
Dad gets Supplimental Security Insurance (SSI)? Call your Social Service office and ask if he can be helped with housing. HUD will take 30% of what he gets. He will be responsible for electric and TV, which he can get the very basic. He would qualify for food stamps.
I would not sacrifice your marriage for this man. You all have done enough. Your sister maybe able to beat this. My GFs husband did. But she has to stop stressing out for a man who does care about anyone but himself.
BIL needs to consult an attorney about Medicaid Recovery on the part of home dad gifted. It will have an effect upon BIL's ability to sell the home in the future.
What is so terrible about becoming a ward of the State? The State will look after him.
So when did this crisis with your sister's health crop up? What brought you to the forum today in particular?
Look. Here I am, a complete stranger, I've only just read your outline, and I've got steam coming out of my ears at the thought of two sisters blindly ruining themselves, one way and another, for the sake of a father of this sort...
What do we know about him? - He's 84, he's been content to depend on them for "years," and he continues to be the main subject of concern for two ladies, one of whom has got herself into debt on his behalf and the other of whom really does have more important things to worry about, and both of whom have husbands tearing their out. And he's sitting there saying 'what about me?' - And So Is Your Sister, in spite of her own stark troubles. That's what we know about him so far. I'm sure there's more to it.
... So I'm not surprised your respective husbands are angry. I should think they're fit to be tied.
It sounds as though your sister has followed the line of least resistance in terms of care, as you did in terms of finance.
Here are Father's wants. We must supply them. "To give and not to count the cost" is a fine principle among religious ethics, but not when it comes to rational planning of a parent's support.
What were you both thinking? You weren't, were you, or at least not past what Daddy wants Daddy gets and hang everything else.
It slightly worries me that you needed your husband's strongly worded objection to tell you that it's not a good idea for your father to move in with you. You didn't figure that out for yourself?
There isn't time right now for you to address the wider issues. This is an emergency. So, for now: your sister has accepted the need for your father to be admitted to the ALF for three months. Let's skip over the bit about who's paying for that (grrr) and focus on what use you can make of that window. You are paying for this service, so make the most of the facility's contacts and expertise and advice to create a plan that gets your father off your hands.
With your sister so ill, this is not the time to attempt to change her thinking. It does not HELP her to be told that the father she has given so much to has ruthlessly exploited her no matter how true it might be; and you cannot stop her caring what happens to him. So instead, reassure her that your father will be safe in the family's hands, which is no more than true. The method of keeping him safe is going to have change, that's all.
Step One, if possible: your father gives you power of attorney. To take control of this situation, you first need the authority to act. Is that going to be doable?
Also, because there are two sides to every story: how would his best friend explain your father's attitude?
Unless dad has hidden assets or has gifted away assets, there are ways he can get qualified.
You say your father agreed to pay for 3 months of AL? So he has money...and just doesn't want to spend it? Not sure what financial picture is there, but if he has resources, sounds like he should be using them. The other person is right, you ladies need to stand by your husbands - they are trying to love and protect you, as they pledged to when they married you.
If your father gets kicked out for his behavior, just find another place. It's a bully mentality and you have to stand up to bully's. It isn't loving loyalty either of you are showing to your father when he's being abusive and irresponsible. Again, your husband's are trying to protect you (& their family). Let them. That is showing them respect they need. You promised to cleve to them and leave your mother & father ya know. I'm sorry, I say this in part because I was abused when I was young and I have learned it isn't "love" to take it; it's just being abused. I don't put up with that anymore.
So, go share your story with a local agency - or many if need be - and find the resources you need and then let them work with your father. He's a grown man. I think older folks (the cranky ones anyhow) sometimes think they are entitled to be that way because they played by the rules all their life and now it's "their turn". ha. sorry charlie, got news for you, it's that way until we die!
Hang in there. Find a way. Pray. Oh & I hope your sister gets better.
Seek & you will find. God bless
Thank you for your reply. My Dad is not paying for the 3 months ALF - my brother-in-law is then the party is over for my Dad. Dad has no hidden assets and makes $1,000.00 month on SSI and SSA. I'm researching all the venues I can to help take the load of my sister and BIL.
I agree with your BIL fretting over your Dad wasn't worth it. But it's so easy to get enmeshed with our parents. I did something similar to your sister.
Her cancer diagnosis is really tragic. She needs to be the priority now. Sounds like everyone needs to be telling him a very firm no to any continued demands. Good luck!!
similar in attitude and has wanted the life of a king as you put it. It broke my health and reserves too. How heartbreaking that your sister has become so ill, and that you dad doesn't respond appropriately. I can totally understand why your husbands are putting their foot down. As they should! I'm afraid some old people are really toddlers in so far as they are able to empathize. They are so self obsessed that they cannot even see others let alone care about the impact they are having. It's not personal, they have just never really grown up, but you need to be
proactive in making care decisions so that this childish selfishness doesn't negatively impact you and yours any further. Good luck!!!