Our neighbor’s son calls me at 10:00 pm on Tuesday night. Saying their dad is driving to go to a doctor’s appointment almost 3 hours away, but his appointment was for the next day at 1:30 pm. He was calling because he was lost and confused about where he was and he ran into a ditch. He swore it was Wednesday morning at 10am but it was Tuesday night, 10pm. He was not injured. We were able to find him, but he was confused and angry. He has a habit of outbursts and was screaming about cars stopping at red lights.
He has been more and more confused over the years. I told his family to get a POA back in August and they are so lost with dementia… zero understanding of it and what to do.
I suggested for him to see a doctor in August (his anger gets so bad out of nowhere) but nice and confused most of the others times. Him driving scares me.
I have worked with person with dementia as a CNA. I did my shift and that was all. My MIL has it, but she is sweet, 96 and in a nursing home.
What is there first steps to tell the family to do? They come up to see him 2 times a month to pay his bills, but have a hard time getting him to understand.
They are asking me for advice. And I am not sure what to do first. I think take his license and get the POA. The appointment with the attorney for the POA is next month. They just scheduled that app.
What can I suggest? Thank you in advance.
You have made all the right suggestions, but they're not taking action. At least, not in a timely manner.
Now, it's time to protect yourself, your neighbour, and your neighbourhood.
I don't agree with how some posters have addressed you, or made out that this is your responsibility. It's not.
Yet, much of their advice is solid.
Contact APS and voice your concerns. Ask for them to take the information in confidence, as you do not want recriminations from the family.
Contact the driving licence authority and report your neighbour's erratic and dangerous driving - again, in confidence, or anonymously.
Next time there is a crisis, call 911.
Protect yourself by not being too closely involved. You do not want to be blamed, and you do not want your kindness to be abused
Protect your neighbour by helping him get the help he really needs.
Protect your neighbourhood by doing your best to get a dangerous driver off the roads.
If the authorities don't take you seriously, or don't take action, don't take responsibility. You've done your best.
I meant I get the *feeling to help* but agree, stay just a neighbour.
My friend learnt the hard way (from both sides) what happens when neighbours get over-involved.
Op, I would just step away from the mess.
Clear boundaries will help.
If you see or hear anything dangerous - alert authorities.
My answer to phone calls from a neighbour's concerned son from far away would be as above. If I have serious concerns, I will alert authorities.
If it helps.. I have a friend who has been on both sides of this now.
Had an elderly parent, living alone, many hours drive away. Was getting frantic calls from neighbours: Your Mother is acting strange. We've noticed.... <insert many unusual things>. Those neighbours thought they were helping. Started checking more. Bringing food. Bringing meals. Collecting mail, putting bins out. Finding the lady when wandered at night too.
What they didn't know was the daughter was waiting for Mother to come in contact with Police or Paramedics. Her Doctor was well aware of suspected Alzheimer’s but there was no legal way to proceed.. yet. Until professional contact was made.
The neighbours were enabling & getting in the way.
The flip side was when my friend offered to get a few things at the shops for her own elderly neighbour. Then daily calls for this, that & other started. Was invited inside one day to find the neighbour unwashed, groceries & uneated food left about etc. Calls to family went nowhere (Denial? Lack of legal ability to proceed?)
She called APS immediately.
Seems like you have given the family info they need and suggested his keys be taken away, which they refuse to do. You call APS tomorrow. Then you back away. You tell his family you will not be involved anymore. That you will call the police if Dad drives his car. You will call the police if he comes to your house confused and belligerent. You also will not go looking for Dad again, thats when they call the police. They can call the police for well checks. Its time for the family to realize that Dad can no longer live on his own. If they have to go looking for Dad a few times, hopefully they will realize that he needs help. If they do not want to care for him then he needs to be placed.
Being a good neighbor only goes so far. When that neighbor can no longer care for themselves, its time fot the family or the authorities to step in.
I told this person to stay out of this and to report to APS or other authorities.
I am not sure where that's coming from?
I wouldn't tell anyone to enter anyone elses home for keys or anything else, that I can think of. I don't think????
Next, remove yourself from the situation.
It is not your responsibility to take this on. The police should have been called asap! Get APS involved and report a senior on the loose driving with dementia. This man is having a tantrum because people are stopping at red lights. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO STOP AT RED LIGHTS! (Shaking my head) It is not denial on the family's part. The family knows what is going on. They are passing the buck to you. You are a caregiver when you are on a paid assignment. You are not being paid to babysit a neighbor all hours of the night. You are being used by this family.
The OP needs to step up, mandated reporter or not. Who gives a damn what the old man and his son think of her. It's not that complicated. And don't worry OP more than likely the police won't do a damn thing to stop this man from driving. But at least you can sleep at night because you TRIED to do the right thing. And next time son calls you to look for the dad, call 911 and let them know there is a senior with dementia on the road and he is missing or in trouble or whatever the circumstances are.
http://www.legislature.mi.gov/(S(wfiwknt3gaqdsgx0fkun5b41))/mileg.aspx
Ok I am beyond upset. The day that this happened, our neighbor went for a shot in his knee and hip. Apparently he went home and fell asleep and woke up thinking it was the next morning.
we seen outburst since that day. And the family thinks that the father is “fine”. And not doing anything. I suggested adult protective services, calling the doctor ( he has had these shots before)
taking his license. They are saying no!!!!
of course dementia is where there are good one minute then not good. They don’t understand this at all
Bow out of this. What happens will happen. Eventually the family will get a call that Dad is in the hospital.
I repeat, there is NOTHING that you can do about this.
Stay out of it.
There's no reason why the son should be calling you when his demented father took off for a doctor's appointment at 10pm and got stuck in a ditch. You should not have gone to look for him unless the police were notified first. That woud be entirely the wrong action.
The right action would be for the son to call 911 first and explain to the police what happened and that his neighbor (you) will help the POLICE find him. This way the cops see a senior out of it with dementia and he gets taken to the hospital where plans can be made for him.
Your neighbor's son is going to have to either come himself and stay with his father while he makes arrangements or have someone else. He can't be on his own anymore.
He should call APS immediately and explain the situation and that his father has dementia, is living alone, and no one has POA or conservatorship yet. APS will make a home visit. The son can also ask the police to make regular wellness checks. The cops can expediate placement for his safety also.
If no one has POA and the elder has dementia and is in denial, he's not going to willingly appoint his son or anyone else. He will see that as someone trying to "take over" and put him in a "home". Elders who don't have dementia often refuse to make any arrangements for themselves for exactly the same reason. They think by doing nothing their adult kids will keep them out of a "home". They don't.
Your neighbor's son will have to hire a lawyer and petition the court for conservatorship/guardianship of his father in the township his father lives in. This may take a while.
In the meantime disable the car. He cannot be allowed to drive. Letting these people drive is not just a danger to them. It's a danger to everyone else on the road. Let him throw as many tantrums as he wants and make as many empty threats as he wants as well, but his son must prevent him from driving. Even if this means he has to take the FMLA from work for a few months to babysit his father himself to get care arrangements made for him.
Don't be a fool and let yourself become the father's caregiver and responsible party for him because you're close. That would be a huge mistake. Don't be their emergency contact either.
You are a compassionate person for helping him and a wise one for coming here for objective advice. You didn't do anything wrong... we're just trying to show you that his needs are way beyond what you can/should help with, and that you're not in any way responsible for him. The best way for you to help now is to not help at all.
When my in-laws were imploding, they lived in a quad home in a HoA community. I did ask one very sweet neighbor and her husband for favors like bring in their mail and newspaper in the winter, and let me know if they were going to the grocery store and be willing to pick up an item or 2 for them (I gave them a pre-paid GC to the grocery store that they could use themselves as a thank you). I paid for their newspaper subscription also as a thank you. Mostly I wanted to know if they saw anything out of place with my inlaws and to call me immediately (we lived 6 miles from them but had our own business and 3 kids in school plus my own elderly Mom). This was while I was working on a permanent solution for them -- this neighbor was NOT the long-term solution, ever.
Bless you for being willing!
I'm speaking as an in-home caregiver. Many families and even the senior neighbor themselves will try to take advantage and responsibility on us if they know one of my kind is living next door. Many think this means we're available because that's our 'job'.
I've got a neighbor like that now. There's an old woman with dementia who lives with her daughter and family. She's in the house on her own when they go to work and school.
The daughter expected me to babysit her mother on the days I work from home because I'm in that "business". She sent mom over to my place, locked up her house and left for work.
I put her mother in my car and dropped her off at her daughter's work. I told her daughter if she wants to use my company for homecare services, call the office. If she ever sends her mother over to my house again, I'll call the police.
She put her mother in daycare and has a homecare agency (not mine because I don't offer neighbor discounts) the rest of the time.
You should contact APS yourself if family doesn't wish to come visit and intervene here. You aren't qualified to be an advisor to them so please refer them to those who ARE qualified; don't make yourself responsible for advice lest you end up "the one blamed".
Those qualified to help this family are:
Elder Law attorney
MD (for diagnosis and advice)
APS
Local Counsel on Aging
Police (in emergency)
EMS (in medical emergency)
I have few neighbors my age. Most have moved on or passed away. I will tell you at the age of 74, I would not take on the responsibility of a neighbor. I may take them something to eat but I would never care for them. I have done the Caregiving. I have been taken advantage of when I did help. I have boundaries. If this man lived next to me and his family seemed to be in LaLa land, I would call APS. Maybe a call from them will open their eyes. And who thought that Dad could drive 3 hrs to a Doctor at age 86. I wouldn't drive that far.
My mantra: I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
Immediately I wanted to call the police… my husband and the son all said no. I foolishly thought his son would be on his way to his dad’s. I was wrong. It wasn’t until late last night that he came up here. So I will try to talk to them today.
I gave him the number for Alzheimer’s/dementia foundation for a care coordinator 24/7
I told him repeatedly that they need to take his keys away.
Boundaries. Thank you so much.
as long as I don’t see him driving again. Otherwise. I need to report this.
Then stay out of it.
When he drove off the road, you should have called 911 certainly not go there and rescue him. Bad move all the way around.
Refer them to an attorney and stop being their crutch, this is not helping anyone including you.
The police should have been called to find dad in the ditch. Can you see that by rescuing him, you effectively stopped the first step towards placement?
EMTs would have been called and he would have been taken to the ER to be checked out. It would have been noticed that he was confused and agitated. Social services may well have stepped in to explain to family that he can no longer live alone, let alone drive.
Next time, call the police.
And if you see him in his car call 911 and report his driving as unsafe, giving them his name, address and license #. Call every and any time you see him driving.
You can start looking for placement for your neighbor. Then offer the suggestions to his clueless son. It would help him if you do the groundwork. Neighbor needs to go there yesterday.
You could report any concern for a neighbour for a welfare check. If you notice anything unsual eg mail piling up, bins not out on bin night or home dark when usually lit. Either do a welfare check yourself, (phone call or a knock at the door IF you feel comfortable to do so) or report to your local authority.
Stepping from concerned neighbour to more is fraught with problems.
Do not take responsobility on where you hold no responsibility.
I would advise the son to obtain his own local advice. For him to speak to his local Area of Aging, maybe ask about a Social Worker service, someone experienced with elders. It may be beyond his experience &/or capabilities.. if so, then he needs to alert others to help. By others I mean professionals services, people trained in this area who have the power to arrange paperwork, legal matters & take action.
Sometimes APS becomes necessary. As a resource. Family can call & report an elder at risk. You could also call APS yourself.
PS Obviously also calling EMS or 911 if a neighbour is injured or unwell.
The man has no business driving and may just kill someone because his son is a damn fool.
Tell son he needs to get his a** to his dad's house and get dad the help he needs.
Stop enabling the son. This is well past getting a POA. Dad needs to be in a facility.
And everything Lea said below too!