While visiting my mother in memory care, how do I make the most of the visit without upsetting her?

I was a volunteer for Hospice for over 8 years, and when I had a patient in a memory care facility, I always brought along some big picture books, that we could look at together, along with whatever kind of music they liked that I could play for them on a portable CD player, if needed. I would also take them for walks around the facility, and weather permitting outside as well. I remember one of the sweet gentlemen I was visiting, after we had looked at one of the books, he just wanted to sit and hold my hand, while he watched TV. Just do whatever feels comfortable for you, and cherish this precious time you get to be with your mom. God bless you.

Learn to follow her reality and that will lead the conversation. My mother has an invisible husband (she's completely forgotten my late dad), and I tell her he's at work when she wonders where he is.

It took me a while to realize that since the Invisible Husband was in reality her first high school boyfriend, my mother thinks she's about 16 years old now. She doesn't think that consistently, as she also knows I'm her daughter, but talking about her parents as though they're dead would be devastating to a 16-year-old girl, so of course I would never tell her they've been gone for fifty years.

I wouldn't try too hard to have planned activities and conversations with your mom. It takes some practice, but just let her reality lead the way and you can have satisfying visits. Just don't talk about anyone as being dead. My mother has lost multiple relatives since her dementia began, and there's absolutely no good purpose in telling her about them. (In fact, I kind of like the idea that they're still with us.)

Personally, I think 1 hour is way too long to visit with a memory care resident. I window visit my 94 y/o mother for about 25-30 minutes every Sunday, weather permitting, and by the time that time period is up, we are more than ready to leave & she is more than ready to HAVE us leave. I bring my husband b/c he's another distraction, and distractions are ideal for people with dementia. He always trots out his phone with photos of the grandchildren which is good for a few minutes of distraction, before she's back to complaining or asking the same questions. I don't believe you can 'plan' things for such a visit, because frankly, who knows WHAT to expect when you see her. Who knows what kind of mood she'll be in, and any 'activity' you bring isn't likely to be doable anyway, let's face it. I suppose you can bring photo albums, but my mother personally hates looking at photo albums. I'm not sure if it reminds her of 'the good old days' or what, but I've had to remove the albums from her room or she'd have thrown them out. So we play it by ear, taking turns on what to say to her to keep her on an even keel. It's stressful, I'm not gonna lie.

Don't tell your mother that her parents have died. She'll just get to relive that trauma each time she 'remembers' it. Tell her they're 'on the farm' or 'at the house' or whatever, it doesn't matter. Same thing like you're telling her about your dad. Keep the news light & fluffy and keep her happy and not agitated, that is the goal. If/when things get heated, leave. Let her know you love her and you'll talk to her 'later'. Even when I speak to my mother on the phone and she gets upset, I let her know that I'll be hanging up and I'll speak to her at another time. Last night, for instance, she was agitated and telling me how she wanted to throw herself out of her wheelchair & 'break both of her legs' so I felt it would be useless to continue that line of talk, for obvious reasons. When she gets like that, I'm not entertaining the behavior.

It really is a mess, ALL of this dementia. For them AND for us. Nobody wins and we ALL suffer. Try to minimize YOUR discomfort as well as hers. Keep the visits brief and as cheerful as possible. Try bringing some snacks, like you said.......food is the one thing my mother loves. Most times. Unless I bring her hot food which the 'stupid caregivers can never heat up properly and then I have to sit there like a boob while everyone else is eating, waiting for MY food.' So the hot food meals I've stopped bringing. Wing it. If it doesn't work, ditch it.

Good luck. It's not easy, that's for sure

“He's on the golf course”, great answer. I think you're getting it. You entered her reality and gave her an acceptable answer. Do the rest for her other questions, it's the key for responding to some one with dementia. When asking about her mom and dad, one response could be “I haven't seen them in a while”, or “Oh, they're doing fine”, and redirect her thoughts. Don't use the past tense, speak as though they're still alive.

And your suggestions for your hour long visits are right on the mark. Bring some picture books to page thru like one of flowers or babies or dogs. Snacks you can share are also good and how about family albums to do some reminiscing? Cards, unless they're picture cards, and puzzles might be too much but you can try. If you can load some songs of her generation on your phone, she might enjoy listening to them.

I know an hour a week doesn't seem enough but it maybe too long. They tire out, get tired of sitting or just don't want to talk. I would say no more than 1/2 hour. My Mom was 5 min up the road, before COVID, and I spent 15 to 30 min with her. Like said, let her lead the conversation.

I personally had a hard time talking to my Mom. I was more comfortable talking to the other residents with Mom next to me. She seemed interested in what was being said but not talkative. If she did talk, and I answered she would give me a "what!" look. Why, because her brain had gone on to something else. My daughter though would just let her go and say "nice Mom Mom, oh yeah" She may tell her how her day was going just random things. When M came into the room Moms eyes would light up. When my daughter left, she would tell Mom she was going to work. She seemed to be OK with that. We never said we r going going home.

Take her favorite snack, magazines with pretty pictures, play cards. My MIL passed away in 1996. My FIL, who was the meanest man this world has ever known, would call in the middle of the night asking where she was. My DH would tell him she died, which FIL didn't believe and would curse and hangup. After the 4th call in 5 minutes, I'd answer and tell him she had gone to Rochester and would be back in the morning. That seemed to satisfy him. So tell your mom that her mom and dad went to town and they will be back in a day or so. Same with her hubby. Try to make it something they would have done, work related, or family related. Don't try to convince her they are dead. It won't work and it will just upset her. Sending you huge amounts of patience because I empathize with the frustration of repetitive questions. I sometimes go out on the porch and scream after the 47th time I'm asked the same thing. Big hugs to you.

I would think it best not to remind her of anyone's passing as she's not going to remember anyway.
Juse say they are somewhere.

Musing is soothing. Play music that she use to like as a back ground as you talk and do an activity.

Bring a book to read, Games to play like cards, bingo, domino's or whatever she use to like.

She might like to try a paint by number picture.

Did she ever knit?

Bring pictures to look at.

Ask her to tell you a story about something in her life like how she met her husband, what she liked best in school, what she likes to eat, ect...make a big list of questions and things to talk about.

See if ya'll are allowed to go outside for a puc nic.

My 96 yr old Dad always enjoys a foot massage from me.

My Dad also enjoys me bringing him a treat like a shake or a doughnut.

You are no longer responsible to tell memory-impaired persons the truth. What they are mostly seeking is a sense of relevancy, so you are perfectly allowed to say "Oh, your mom and dad asked after you. They finally took that trip they were always talking about, and they will be so happy to tell you about it when they get back! I know you would always like to go on a trip, too! Would you tell mom and dad when you get back?..." Pleasant conversation is a plus...

Since an hour may be too long, could you break up the visit? 25 min., walk outside or to the lobby or hallway, tell Mom you'll be back. When you return, it may seem like an entire new visit to her.
Snacks, especially homemade, like cookies or muffins may be a treat.
Does Mom watch tv? My Mom (whom doesn't have dementia) loves the game shows. We'll watch and try to guess the answers together.
As others have suggested, when Mom asks about husband parents, etc. respond with a plausible answer and move on.
You may ask a staff member that you like, for suggestions.
Glad that you can see Mom on a weekly basis .

My mom is in memory care. I see her 2x a week in the safe zone behind a glass wall. We talk tk each other with phones. She is 87. Her mother died 26 years ago and her sister 13 years ago. The reason why they don't remember that their LOs have died is just simply because they can not remember going to the funeral. My mom told me many times that no one told her that they died and asked me if she went. So when she asks me if I have talked to them I now tell her that I call both of them 1x a week and that they are doing well and they said to tell her hello. She likes this answer.
It is very hard to hold a conversation. She says she doesn't have anything to say. She can't remember from 5 seconds to the next. So I do all the talking.
I am glad you asked your question. I can't wait till I am able to go in to see her. The answers were a big help to me.

Sorry have t looked at the other responses but how about family photo albums that take you both back to past happy times. No need to talk about who has passed unless it comes up but photos can steer the conversation to that family reunion or remember that station wagon...let her tell you stories, be prepared for her present to become the time of the photos but it might be easier to steer her away from where these loved ones are now and simply talk about them. Include current photos of your kids/grandkids etc. Your mom may be too far down her journey but when my mom starts asking where her mom is I kind of lead her to reality by asking when the last time was she saw her or where she should be, I don’t lie and I don’t tell her I try to give her the time to figure it out and she so far she always has, she will eventually either say “she died didn’t she” or “has she died?” And then I know she’s ready for the “yes”. With my mom though this time travel and confusion typically happens after she wakes up from a nap or a long enough sleep and she isn’t upset or afraid at all so a good long conversation brings her back to now and she knows that this happens to her. I think it’s probably a sign of things to come and feel very great full that she is comforted and not scared or upset by these shifts or reality, learning that people have passed or that she is in a different place than she thought she was, we can laugh about her plans to go home for instance so I don’t want to interrupt it. It’s fun and somehow comforting for me, hearing and telling stories, learning about family history I don’t know or aren’t clear on with her even though it’s difficult also because I know her less lucid times will probably increase. All I can hope is that she stays content with it which is why I try to steer it that way.

My mother eventually got where she could not carry on a conversation so I started reading to her. I read from the Bible and discovered she would smile when I read from the book of Psalms. She had written a lot of poems in her life and I would read those to her. Mainly I believe she just enjoyed hearing my voice. She may not have remembered my face but somewhere down in there she remembered my voice.

As I had mentioned once before, when my mother's aunt asked how my mother's parents were doing (my maternal grandmother being the sister), my mother would say "oh, they're about the same"--not reminding her that they had been dead for over a decade. That seemed to satisfy her aunt, who asked no further questions (and as my mother used to joke, she was actually telling the truth!).

As I had mentioned once before, when my mother's aunt asked how my mother how her parents were doing (my maternal grandmother being the sister), my mother would say "oh, they're about the same"--not reminding her that they had been dead for over a decade. That seemed to satisfy her aunt, who asked no further questions (and as my mother used to joke, she was actually telling the truth!).

Is your mom able to walk ?

when my motherinlaw was in memory care we’d walk the halls of the area. One complete walk ... actually a stroll ... took about 20 minutes she’d begin to get a little vague.

it seemed that when we’d sit i couldnt think of anything to talk about but walking we’d talk about ???

maybe you could have a cup of coffee or tea then when done walk for a short time and chat.

and by the way ... people she wants to know about dont die ... theyve gone to the grocery or bathroom or wherever.

Keep in mine how youd feel if everytime you asked about someone you were told that theyd die. Even if she actually doesnt physically remember what you said i really think it hurts her cells. Yes ... i know that sounds crazy but think of your own physical reaction.

Try and distract her with something. A lot of older women like to look at family pictures. Just have to tell her who she is looking at. Does she like flowers, made a picture book with plants and/or flowers. When my mother asked where someone was I just told her that they weren't here and left it at that. I also got her a baby doll. This one came from Walmart. It cooed and babbeled when she was sitting up. She came with a binky and a bottle, she made little noises while you fed her and cried when you took it away. She probably won't remember how to play cards. Talk about the grandchildren if there are any. Hope this helps.

quit telling her that her parents passed.......tell her they are busy taking care of chores, etc.  take along a photo album and sit and talk about that.........does she like to color......get a coloring book and take along a couple crayons (take them back home though, not sure if she would try to eat)........tell her what you did all week.............talk about food recipes that maybe she made when younger.........does she like animals.....take along a book with different animals in and talk about them............wishing you luck.........

Her doctors are right. Don't tell her that her parents are gone. Or that her husband is either. What ends up happening is that because of the dementia every time they're told the truth about where someone is, they're hearing it for the first time. So all the shock, grief, and loss is new and fresh to them every time.
Just make up some kind of white lie. Like her husband is at work. Or her parents are at their house.
If you're there for one hour, maybe you could have lunch together. Or do some crafts together. Don't tell her the truth about her loved ones being gone though.

I used to give my MIL a manicure. She enjoyed it. Just cream, a little shaping, etc.

Take old photo's and talk about them.

Go on line and find old newspapers from when she was young ( particularly from her home town ). Download articles onto a laptop and take them in and talk about them. Ask questions like who was this, where was this, what was happening during them photo,.

Remember with memory loss: first in, last out. That means they will remember things of their youth while forgetting recent events.

I know it is difficult because I visited a family friend who kept on retelling the same stories no matter how hard I would try to redirect the conversations.

When she starts with the nonsense questions, distract her as quickly and as gently as you can to a safe subject. Do not answer or attempt to explain - it won't work. Ask her if she can tell you any stories of her earlier life - they can often remember that and will enjoy talking about such things. Perhaps listen to some music or look at a book or do a puzzle but get her to talk about "way past" things and just listen and accept what she says. And if she upsets you too much, please do NOT go....it accomplishes nothing but to make you miserable and you don't deserve that.

Maybe you could listen to some fun and funny audiobooks for a few minutes. A shared laugh is priceless. You could also bring a joke book, or download some from the web, with the same purpose in mind. You could also get a puzzle, which would stimulate her mind. You could talk about it as you go, such as, "I think this blue piece might go here." Anything to keep her mind going, in a stress-free manner, but slightly challenging, might be worth a try. You could also talk about recipes that you've tried (even if you have to make them up), TV shows that you've seen, etc. Maybe you could talk about a show that you have both seen in the past, like "I Love Lucy."

Usually memories of the past are "fresher" than what happened that day. Bring a photo album and reminisce about people in the photos and events that happened.
Bring her favorite snacks (check first with facility if OK) and/or beverages. Bring magazines and books with pictures to read together. Bring music that she enjoys and feel free to do a sing along. Simple puzzle or crafts might work if she doesn't have problems with her hands (arthritis).

My mother and I enjoy looking at family photo albums together. With the shutdown with Covid they tell me she spends a lot of time looking at the photo albums and the residents enjoy her stories to go with the pictures. I hate the new digital photos. Family sends me multiple digital prints. It is so expensive for me to print copies but she doesn’t enjoy seeing just once. She has ask me about her Mom and Dad and I tell her they are busy working on the farm. They have been dead 40 to 60 years, but she still thinks of them doing things on the farm where she grew up. That usually gets her talking about those times on the farm with her brothers and sisters. They are all gone too.

As lealonnie1 says "Wing it. If it doesn't work, ditch it."

I've heard the staff where mom was often coach visitors to "be in the moment", which is to try to be in their reality. Tough subjects are those who have passed. As others noted, it's best to try to pass it off lightly and change the subject. They're off having a good time. They must be out shopping. Whatever your grandparents were wont to do, go with that - she'll likely remember, since she's living in the past. Nine months after moving in, she threw me with "Can you drop me off at Nana's on your way home?" I had to think quick, glanced at my watch, said it's a little late in the day, not really on my way, so maybe tomorrow? She was okay with that. Much later, prior to thanksgiving, she wondered aloud what her mother might be doing to prepare for the holiday. When she asked if I'd seen or heard from them, I took a chance and said they've gone to FL. I was afraid she'd be angry they didn't ask her to go. She pondered it for a bit, then said something about how they used to do that. Best to change the subject then, if you "passed muster."

As for activity or what to do during the visit, depends on what your mother might like to do - snacks or a cup of tea/coffee can use up some time but allow some discussion. Ask about those "good old days", what she used to do for fun, vacations, who were her friends, etc. I love jigsaw puzzles myself and enjoyed working them with several other residents. I would bring mom over to be with us, and surprisingly she would start pushing pieces around, even got some together or would find one we were looking for! This is NOT something my mother ever would have done.

Always try to "go with the flow", even if she repeats herself or goes off on tangents. Avoid sad topics (deaths, etc.) IF she makes off the wall or wrong statements, don't try to correct her, just go with it and move the discussion along to something else, if you can. It's hard, but taking it one step at a time, finding things that perhaps bring her joy, stick with those. Try other topics or little gifts (nice bunch of flowers, to brighten her day?) Old movies or TV shows she enjoyed, you can watch together.

I only wish we could have had some real one on one visits. Up until about 2-3 months ago, they kept the virus out. At that time, only one staff member tested positive and it never went any further. Unfortunately any visits prearranged had to be with masks and 6' apart. Between dementia, bad hearing and possibly bad vision, it isn't even clear my mother knew who we were. I went in Aug for her birthday. The only thing she really got excited about was the cupcakes and ice cream I brought, but we couldn't share. When I arrived, they took those in to the freezer, for her for later. In Sept the visits were indoor, in a cafe, not the MC, and it was post stroke. I really kick myself now that I didn't break the rules, take the mask off and get up close to her. The next "visit" was Dec, after another stroke and she was beyond capability to communicate.

I am convinced that had she been able to see me without the mask, she'd know me. Staff member told me during chats when my name came up, she'd say "Oh, her and those CATS!"

So, explore and try different gifts and activities while you can. Stick with those that seem to bring her joy or interest. May you have many positive visits going forward! Even just hold her hand and watch the sun set, or whatever is going on around you. Silence can be golden, if done right.

When we had video calls with my Mom I would hold up items from her childhood we saved and ask her about them. Old memories are often easier to recall. I have several of her old dolls, Christmas and holiday ornaments, old photos, etc. when she would start asking awkward questions I would be able to distract her with these objects. Most important is to go prepared with items or topics to distract.

Imho, bring the old photo albums. At least this way she can look at the departed individuals, though she may still ask where they are. Prayers sent.

This sounds like my life. My mom is 90 & asks every minute the same thing or she wants to walk home because her mom will be mad at her.
What I do is gently hold her face or hands because I find that when you touch them, they listen and look in your eyes.
I again gently tell her that her parents passed away and that she buried them. When she says why didn't anyone tell me. I say; you were there and that she arranged such a beautiful gathering and purchased beautiful flowers that everyone was talking about. The only reason you don't remember is because you fell down and hit your head. The doctor says your memory will come back in time and she accepts that.
It's on repeat like a recorder lol ….
We have done the same with father (work, fishing etc...) but now I decided that death is a better answer or she has too much anxiety why my dad is not coming home. I tell her we will go to the cemetery when the weather is nice. I sometimes show her a picture of her standing at the cemetery.
Death makes them calm because it closes the window for a minute.
But fishing means he's coming home.. I focus on the death but in a positive way. Beautiful party beautiful tombstone - we will go and clean up plot together. People said you were such a good daughter because you bought such beautiful flowers... Daddy loved you so much ... and remember how much fun you had together .... story time... make up anything....
But always what works best for you. WE are all in different places.

My favorite thing to do with mom and it will be great for you too - bring an ipad.
watch her favorite shows - especially from the past. We watch princess diana's whole wedding.. I tell her look mom - diana is getting married today and we sit and talk and are amused. We enjoy everything on YOUTUBE from Andre Riu concerts to Tom Jones, Elvis Presley all of her favorite things.. We sing together out loud and that is our favorite thing hands down... IPAD buy the biggest one 12.9 inches - best investment you will ever make. All our PSW's use it too and are amazed how happy she gets... because you can talk about crowds of people , the beautiful clothes etc. Its positive thoughts that take her away from where is mom? and sitting in a fishbowl.

Good luck and God Bless... We are in a really difficult time in our lives. Dementia is the worst...virtual hugs.



We have to be unbelievably patient.. it is the worst this dementia - the absolute worst thing...

Keeping visits short and if your LO is having a rough day, memory-wise, cut the visit short. Mom gets really upset when she cannot remember things and that's not going to get better.


I can't bear to be inside her apartment and my inner-cleaning lady wants to just do a few things to clean and that causes her tremendous anxiety. You'd think a clean home would be relaxing, but it's not, to her.

We visit in the 'common' living room of YB's home, where she lives. I haven't been in her private space for a year. Things are much better.

She can't stay on one topic. so I just follow her lead. She mostly just wants to talk about her one living friend who is still alive by sheer willpower. I do not know this woman, but I sure know a lot ABOUT her.

Mom doesn't ask about me, my kids, my grands, just her friend. I've stopped letting that bother me.

Patience is the only answer here and I know it's been a real learning curve for me.