I need someone who could be a 3rd party adviser relating to my 64 year old mothers finances. She isn't disabled or anything like that but she almost acts like (in my opinion) a vulnerable adult because she isn't speaking up for herself or taking care of what she needs to with her finances.
My 64 y.o. mother lives with my sister, her husband, and a 10 yo son. and has lived with her for about 4-5 years. They rent a house and don't own. She lives with them not because she has a problem of any kind health wise but more because of loneliness. She is divorced. She was working and making good money when they first moved in together but 2 years ago lost her job. She wasn't very good with saving and only had $42000 of retirement at that time. When my mother and sister moved in together, my mother had almost $10000 in her checking which was gone in the first year due to things like having to pay first, last, deposits, etc that she paid. As well as other things. My mother then lost her job at 62. She shortly after cashed out her retirement of 42 thousand. She also got onto social security and gets $1800 per month from that. In roughly 6-7 months she had spent roughly 17 or so thousand of the 42 thousand before I had her give me the rest.
Those are the facts and these are my observations- My sister worked up to almost the day they moved in together and then quite her job. My sister and her husband have their priorities all messed up. They drive around in nicer cars but don't have health insurance. They couldn't live how they are without my mom as a roommate.
This is where I'm having a problem. I feel my sister is taking advantage of my mom by having her pay more for her expenses than she should. My mother is buying all the groceries because they don't buy any. Things like cellphone bills and direct tv bills are coming out of her checking account. And of course they have to have all the extra channels, etc. My mom ends up not having enough money left out of the 1800 per month to cover expenses. She then comes to me for money. In the last year, I have given her over $7000 of her $24000 that she has left. That $17000 is all she has left to last her the rest of her life. What happens in emergencies? The problem here is that my mom needs to get her finances in order but in order to do that she has to be strong enough mentally to tell my sister things need to change but she won't. If I could get a third party involved then it might stop the fighting between my sister and I. I think my sister is living off of my mom and my sister has this attitude that I'm keeping her money. My mom knows and acknowledges that I'm not trying to keep her money and says she wants it to last as long as possible. I went as far as offered for her to live with me at no cost to help out. She could probably live by herself for cheaper than she is now. Just need to get her to do something.
To me, she needs a lot of counseling to start and THEN the money stuff once she gets a handle on getting her emotional life back on track. She needs friends and activities and a hope for a solid future that doesn't include living with your sister and family.
So I'd look to free/sliding-scale counseling to start, if she'd consider that. Is she worried? Does she think sis will take care of her when the money runs out? Or is that in YOUR future (in your mom's mind)? You'd better set some boundaries now that lets your mom know she can't turn to you for financial support after she's frittered away her life savings. It's really sad that she's not in a better emotional place. That's where I'd start and then aggressively look at the finances once she starts seeing someone about her mental/emotional state. Good luck and please keep us posted.
Until the lease is up, lay low. As it gets closer, figure out how much you'd need from mom to have her paying her share. If it would be three of you? Then she pays a third of that. If you have two children, it would be a fifth of your expenses.
I wouldn't let her move in free. That's not fair to you, and not fair to your spouse. But CERTAINLY lots cheaper than what she's doing now.
Don't give your mom another dime. Period. End of story. That's all she wrote. No, "Yes, buts...." You are enabling your mom. You are enabling your sister. You are short-changing your spouse . . . and if you have children? You're short-changing them. Stop it. If my spouse were doing that, frankly? I'd freakin' leave him.
Poster, if you took her money in order to safe guard it and have control of it? "Hang on for dear life" would be my advice. Not another penny. $1800 a month, when you're sharing a rental property with three other people? Is more than enough. If it isn't? She's gifting it away at her own expense.
--- I agree with you there. What started the living with my sister thing was the fact that she would just sit around the house and not do anything- depression.
"Is your mom disabled in any way? Could she get a part time job? She needs to regsin/gain back her self esteem and escape from your sister!"
---- I have been telling her that since day one. Since before she dipped into her social security at age 62 instead of waiting until the age of 65-67 or whatever it is for her. Even now with social security- she could get a little job that would be fun even to make a little extra. She is an RN but doesn't need to do that. I tell her to get some fun job somewhere but I don't think my sister is pushing her enough. My sister also talks about her frustration with my mom just sitting around all day but that is the pot calling the kettle black because my sister sits around just as much or more.
I have been working on her moving in with me and I think she would be game with it but I don't see her being strong enough to tell my sis she wants to leave. To me this is the problem- my mom is being too soft and not taking care of the tough things. She had a major change in life and isn't making the major changes that go along with it. I keep telling her she needs to think about herself right now and do whats in her best interest and not my sisters. Even if she thinks I wouldn't approve.
---That's good to hear from you because that is what my wife and I are thinking. What will eventually happen is there will be an emergency and she will need money and this way its available. What if/when one of my aunts passes away or something like that or worse yet- when she passes away? My sister isn't going to have the money for a funeral.
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