Who'd ever think family members would turn out to be among the worst people in someone's life?
Still not free of sibling BS from my first ever post. There's the past, present, and future.
The past:
Historic squabbles, blaming, and abusive things said (not by me)—I've been on the receiving end of it from one of the siblings. Other siblings are not playing a part in the care of my mom; they hardly call and have been doing their own thing for over 20 years. They are the type of people who feel they're able to get on with their lives (spend time with their children, go on vacations, do other things) only because I'm the primary caregiver, but at the same time they'd rather I'd not be there at all, despite all my mom's health issues. That's how rational they are?
The present:
I only speak to one sibling; she's been married for 40+ years, has always looked after her husband and children, and has never had the opportunity to help care for my mom. It's not easy to explain all the dynamics of every sibling without writing a book; some are divorced, their children are grown up, and some are divorced with no children.
When passing through for medical appointments or other occasions, a sister I can't stand to see uses my mom's house as a hotel. Since my father passed away, this sibling hasn't routinely cared for my mom, but also when my mom was a little bit younger she had her mobility and less issues. I have been extremely upset with this sister, not just lately but also in the past. This sister tells lies to the other siblings about everything that goes on at my mom's house and everything we've argued about, gives other siblings an inaccurate account of every argument we've had, and twists the truth.
I've had a lot of arguments over the years that bring up old issues or any new ones and lead nowhere. Despite my best efforts to rationalize with them and consistently help out my mom, they've ignored what I've said. One day I decided they've crossed the line. This sister has no job, is not married, and has no children, but doesn't want to do the mundane chores that come with caring for someone.
This sibling sporadically continues to stay for days or even weeks, but because of all these tensions, disputes, and backtalking, I can't tolerate it every time they visit, and it starts to create a rift between my mom and me at times because I don't feel relaxed and at ease when they are around. When I talk to my mom, I don't want them there listening in, and when I'm having dinner, I can't stand them being around. The whole situation is unbearably tense. When they are not there, I feel like a weight has been lifted, I can breathe again, my BP gets better, and I feel freer again, but only until the next time they visit, then my BP shoot up knowing they're coming. It has been the second-worst experience of my life.
On one side, I'm caring for my mom, and on the other, I have to see this sibling when they decide to visit. I can't just say no, you can't come anymore; she'll tell the rest of the siblings that I am preventing her from visiting my mom, and in the end, the house is a territorial thing; it's my mom's house, not mine, so I have no right to say who comes and goes. That's their argument, yet they haven't done anything to support my mom since my dad passed on 20+ years ago. The married siblings, their wives haven't helped either, don't phone, don't do anything to help. I'm the caregiver; I can't just go leave my mom and I don't want to, but the torture is that I get no space from this sibling for long periods of time. like years and years.
The best way to describe the feelings it creates is to say that having and unamicable divorce and then having to consistently see the person for years in the same house.
It's not much different with other siblings, except they don't stay over for long periods; they visit one day and go back home. That's why it's bearable with them and I stay out of sight when they visit.
The future:
I put in a reply to myself because they limit the number of characters on posts.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I've been away from posting for a while, but I left some updates on my profile. The short version is that the nightmare hasn't gone away. Some days I feel numb, wondering when all my troubles are going to end. I described previously in this topic that there's more to come after my mom is no longer with me, so I'm still stressed to the max and still worried some days (pre-grieving). I want all these troubles to end, to feel free, and to get more space to breathe again. Probably millions of other are thinking "that's what I want too...
I never knew it would be like this through my 30s and 40s. What I was thinking then about my future and what it became are worlds apart; not in a million years did I think it would end up the way it has. Plus this age thing just creped up on me, no one told me about that...
Still spending some quality moments with mom are the precious moments for me right now, and sometimes the backdrop of my situation with siblings even dampens that.
When I wished everyone a happy new year in an earlier post, I already knew how mine would begin, and having a very slim hope of a miracle will change the rest of 2024.
I have no doubt 2024 will suck even more than 2023 for me. I wish something would finally give but no end in sight.
i like most of the posters want my life back. I’m so tired of this.
Sept 1 2023.
I'm just back to provide a short update. I wish I was coming back to say everything is great now, but the reality is that I'm still feeling like a tortured soul. I'm still here, and I'm still battling toxic siblings. Especially the sister that intentionally pushes my buttons, knowing I don't want to see her and can't stand the sight of her. The saying "stuck between a rock and a hard place" has never resonated more with me than at this time in my life. I wish I was the kite in the wind without the string, the bird that glides on the thermal winds, and the sailboat drifting towards a beautiful horizon.
God help those in my kind of situation who are also victims of some kind of domestic violence. I feel so much compassion for people going through those horrific situations.
The latest manipulation tactic my sister is using is trying to encourage my mother to go live with her so she can get payments as a caregiver. For the last 30+ years, she has lived and worked away from my mom's home, and only now, after having issues at work since COVID-19 and then being laid off, is she unable to find another job. At the drop of a hat, in one statement, she came out with "Mom, the best thing is to come and live with me". Completely disregarding that I've spent the last five years caring for my mother, day in and day out, all the moments I've cherished with her, cooking, shopping, etc. She completely disregarded how it would make me feel; she's now increasingly using my mom as a pawn to get what she wants. The most toxic thing is she knows I would be devastated, so not really disregarding what I'd feel but actually trying to plan it that way. The home where my mom lives is where she has spent most of her life. She has memories of my dad, and when we were all growing up, those memories were important to a person's well-being.
My sister has a terrible record of not properly taking care of mom. When she was in her care on previous vacations, she refused to bring mom back home during COVID-19 because she wanted to pursue a new romantic interests. This was a time when the true depth of the condition was not know but people were dying, especially the elderly. On one occasion, my mother broke her wrist, and she gave the wrong account of what the doctors suggested. The result was that the bone did not fuse properly and now has a protruding bone, and in the recent fall, my mom was in her company too. Whatever the situation, her endeavors have always come first. Even on the visits to my mom's house, it's not for the care and welfare of my mom; it's so she can use the place as a base, like a hotel, to get her own things done.
On top of it, she's purposely divisive. I asked a local friend to help me out recently with something that took about an hour, and she's also an acquaintance of this person. We usually stay apart in the same house, but she purposely decided to come downstairs the moment they came in, so she'd also be around at the same time as me, knowing it would upset me even more. It's like she intentionally did it in case I flared up and told her something in front of the person helping me, so if I had said something, they would judge me as being a bad person, that's the type of person she is.
Manipulative, divisive, deceitful, and crafty, she lies and is incredibly comfortable about it; she goes to other siblings, conspires with them, other people and tarnishes their view of me; she lies about her health to get sympathy from mom, knowing mom is a soft touch the moment she hears she has some kind of minor illness. This upsets my mom unnecessarily. I can't breathe and I can't write supportive comments when I am feeling like this; it is not fair on other people; this is the maximum of mental anguish; I can't run because I look after mom and I don't want to be away from mom; I can't run because I have no other property; I can't spend weeks in hotels because it's expensive; I'm boxed in; this is what imprisonment of the mind feels like.
I want to always be there for Mom. But also want to be a million miles from all my siblings, at least for a thousand years or more. Then I would feel free. I can't be me when this sister is around. Don't even feel like giving advice and support when feeling like this. I tried to brave it, but like someone said in a reply, they knew how to push buttons and enjoy doing it.
I know what it feels like for people to be living with bad partners. I know that in some of those cases it's worse because they have mental and physical sides to things, and I know exactly what the mental side of it feels like. I'll come back when the tension has gone and my back is not up constantly up, and feel more at ease in-between the times my sister is not around. I never knew life was going to be like this. I realize people are far worse off than me, but every type of suffering, is suffering. Mental anguish as the result of another person is just as bad.
I totally get it. I’m an only child, but I have friends in your situation. They’re kind, helping. Siblings do nothing, and prance into the house just enjoying their time, while the helper is like a slave. My friends also hide in their rooms, never want to see their siblings again.
I wish I could throw all my friends’ siblings and yours into another part of the galaxy.
I could do the same, but I don't care and it's pointless and it's not a good thing to do in most cases. I already know she gives people an inaccurate account of things to who ever will listen to her, As people know her superficially they tend to believe what she's say is true.
Even if things are recorded, I've told her in person what I think of her, so it wouldn't be saying things behind her back or anything new.
What concerns me is these kind of tactics she uses, if I do say something about her to my mom, and it's recorded she'll take to other siblings and say listen to this. In the end it just boils down to telling the truth and no matter what I'm saying that's being recorded, and I know it's the truth.
It's stuff going like this that really makes me feel closed in whenever she around.
You say that you tend to hide out in your room because of this sister, I think a better strategy would be to go about your life as though she wasn't even there. I get that it would be very difficult not to rise to the bait when she says, does, or doesn't do something and I doubt you will be able to accomplish this without practice (and perhaps therapy) because of course she knows all your buttons.
As others have already pointed out the family dynamic hasn't really changed in regards to your mother, they continue on as they always have visiting (or not). From their perspective the only change is you therefore the only problem is you.
As for your sacrifices as a caregiver - I doubt any of them would have any problem with your mom being in AL so they do not see any value in your role, they may even resent it as a hindrance.
You're definitely right about pushing buttons. I also see what you mean about nothing changing as far as the dynamics.
She can do the caregiving for your mother during her stay.
Even if you don't have a vacation planned, leave anyway. Go stay with a friend, or go to a hotel/motel if you have to. Just make sure you're not there.
Let her get a taste of what the caregiving is like for a few days. When you get "back" call her out face-to-face on all the crap she talks about you to your other siblings. If you have a cellphone, put it on record then in your pocket. Record everything she says. When her rant is over, tell her she was recorded and you're sending a copy of that chart-topper to everyone.
I don't blame your sister or anyone else who refuses to be a caregiver. Or do the mundane and usually totally disgusting chores that come with it. That's fine. This is why there is a homecare agency on every corner these days. Outside paid help comes for that or the person can be placed in residential care.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and was forced to be an indenture to my own abusive and narcissisistic mother. Those days are done for me because I will never empty another commode, change another adult diaper, or deal with hands-on caregiving ever again.
You don't have to do it either. If you choose to, let that be entirely your decision which it is.
Don't be a martyr about it though.
Your situation such as it is, is not because your siblings don't share in the caregiving or because one sibling is the worst one.
It's because you allow them to have no respect for you. You allow them to treat you like you're a servant in their mother's house, rather than like their sibling who is keeping EVERYONE'S mother out of a nursing home hence preserving any potential inheritance for them, and making the current lives they enjoy possible.
Stop letting your siblings treat you like this. It's your mother's house sure (you should have gotten it into your name like I did otherwise there will be no caregiving from me) but you can make some rules there too.
Like no one is staying there when they visit. If everyone isn't agreeable, then whoever is coming to stay will be taking over the caregiving because you're leaving for the duration of their stay.
They will be agreeable or they won't come at all.
Please stand up for yourself. Pack a bag and go when the sibling shows up.
Hire some homecare and get a job so you can have some independence and a paid break from caregiving.
You don't have to cover all of your mother's needs.
I agree with the idea. But that costs money. Most people can’t afford to just go on vacation every time a sibling visits.
“Go stay with a friend, or go to a hotel/motel if you have to. Just make sure you're not there.”
I agree. But again, hotel/motel costs money. Then you’re losing financially every time a sibling visits. So you’re kind of being punished financially every time they visit.
As for crashing at a friend’s house every time: also not so easy. Our friends might have their own problems, and stress, and it can be burdensome to have to house a friend every time.
Therefore like OP, I have friends who disappear into their room, so they don’t need to interact with their awful siblings.
A person sometimes has to demand respect otherwise they will never get any and others will always walk all over them.
Everything you say is very true. I'm a believer of the
Whoever-Does-All-The-Caregiving-Gets-All-The -Potential-Inheritance school of thought.
I hope the OP can get the mother to a lawyer and make this so.
Before years of caregiving pass by the one person who usually gets stuck doing it all (like the OP) should lay down a few things for mom and dad.
Like if there chances of staying out of a nursing home are going to be slim unless they start transferring property titles.
That there will be a price to pay if they want to be cared for in home by one of their adult children. The nonsense free room and board argument is no argument at all. Live-in caregivers usually make good money along with the free room and board.
No one ever wants to have this conversation because no one wants to come off as greedy and heartless.
I wasn't bothered one bit. This is practical. Property and inheritance arrangements should be done in advance.
You say it would make you sad to place your mother in a facility? Does it make her sad that you are the 24/7/365 caregiving slave? Why/how did you end up in this position? Were you groomed to become the slave? Does she pay you anything?
Dear Mama isn't without her faults. She raised your sibs to be the way they are, right?
Is her house the only asset, and is everyone expecting it to be split equally when she dies? Who is her POA/HCPOA, and who is the executor of her will?
Are you going to continue to sacrifice yourself so that you can get some part of a house as your inheritance, splitting it equally with your sibs?
Do you work? Do you have a remote job? What is the plan for YOUR financial future?
It's harder for a person to break away from it when they've been groomed to be the slave from the time they're a child. Usually they are the family scapegoat first and the child who gets all of the abuse, or most of it anyway. I certainly did.
I've known many family care slaves with lives so miserable that a few were even driven to acts of desperation. I nearly was. It took a lot of therapy and a lot of hard work.
People who are in such situations have to decide. They can live their lives as an Uncle Tom forever trying to serve and please their abusers who treat them like garbage. Nothing is ever enough. Or they can be like Harriet Tubman and run to freedom. Then can accept the reprocussions that may come with that decision. Like disturbing the status quo and disrupting the lives of the family who then have to take up some of the care slave's responsibility. Many times this decision can break up a family. They have to accept the fear of being on their own too.
I knew a woman years ago who was a care slave to her monster of a mother. I worked for them because it was free a few hours a week. I think more I was socialization for the daughter who was in her 40's. She never left home and her mother was so bad to her. The mother didn't have dementia either. She had different medical problems though.
I told her I could help her get a job where I was working. That she had a cousin who would rent her a room so she could move out.
She was too afraid to take her freedom and go. She died a few years later in her 50's. She had a brother and sister. The mother ended up falling about a week after the funeral and she never went home again. She spend about nine years in LTC.
Sometimes running towards freedom leaves a person with serious feelings of doubt and guilt. Especially if a parent ends up in a care facility. Then there's the chastizement that comes from family and community because they chose to free themselves. I caught a lot of that and still catch it today from some family and others.
I tell any in the OP's situation who live as care slaves to run to freedom. All of the family discord it may cause or feelings of guilt and doubt are worth it because they have value and their lives, dreams, and ambitions are worth it.
Not always. I have some friends (from several families) who are the only ones who help, while their siblings do nothing. In all those cases, the parent (in a facility) is polite, nice to the ones who don’t help (they call), but in reality feels angry, and has disinherited them to show how wrong it is, to dump everything on one child. That child advocates, helps.
They are right that if it isn't your house, you have no say over who can come and visit. Besides, if your mother wants to see her other children, let her!
I don't know if you are getting paid but if not, that is one of the first things I would request. Chances any inheritance will be split amongst all of you so if you feel you "deserve" more, get paid now.
We no longer have the one thing in common that kept us together.
And it's OK.
We're on OK terms. we just don't talk to each other much and that's the way it's going to be.
I'm glad I knew this many years ago--it wasn't a suprise.
I too felt that I wouldn’t have much of a relationship with my siblings after my mom died.
We actually started to grow closer when my mom was placed in her hospice care home. I think it was because the stress of our hands on caregiving was gone.
Any friction between us before has gone by the wayside. We have a good relationship with each other now.
I know it does very little to say you're not alone, but your post certainly resonated with my family dump fest!
Don’t even attempt to try and convince them of anything. Why waste your time and energy on this type of situation?
I realize that you care deeply for your mom, but it isn’t selfish to make time for yourself. When your siblings arrive, they can look after mom.
Your mom can do without you while your siblings visit. When you return you will be refreshed and ready to start again. Isn’t that a better option than being continually stressed in their presence?
One of the biggest mistakes that I made during my caregiving days was thinking that I had to do it all! No, I didn’t.
One year, I decided to break tradition in my family. I was not going to cook my usual huge Thanksgiving feast for everyone.
I announced that I would be taking long walks on the beach! It is still one of my most favorite Thanksgiving memories ever!
It only takes a few minutes to pack a suitcase! Guess what? Nothing fell apart while I was gone. I thoroughly enjoyed my time away in Florida.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
You made me chuckle, in a sad way.
Me, I would just leave go to a hotel when they are there visiting or out of town on a vacation, they will have to care for her, it will be a respite for you.
Rather than stay a day they can stay for days and you can go bye, bye.
Have you looked into placing your mother? That would eliminate the entire mess.
Your mother doesn't want to be in the middle, dementia or no dementia. mothers are like that.
The living arrangement of I'll just live with my parent(s) (less expensive living and so on) very seldom works long-term. Unless one is from a certain culture that way of life is inbred in them for the rest of us, it doesn't.
Good Luck!
This sister is sometimes here for weeks, so the bills for hotels can get sky high too, so as an alternative I spend most of my time in my bedroom, not the best situation being confined to one room in a house, but at least it's keep our distance. Other times like meal times it harder to do and it's just
major awkwardness.
I do like your thinking, but my mom is so used to me now. even going away to for one day to a hotel and she feels sad. I could not see her in AL or similar facility until I was completely unable to help her.
Thank you for sharing MeDolly.
You need to except what is. Your the only one who cares enough about your Mom to be there for her. All others say to themselves "Old is taking charge so let her" Don't talk to your sister. She can't take what you say and turn it around if your not saying anything. And if the other sibs come down on you ask them "are u willing to care for Mom? If so, come and do the job."
Never expect. People never live up to what we expect of them. Know when Mom passes that you did your best and you did for Mom. Hold nothing against ur sibs. Sister u can walk away from. Once you except that "this is how it is" you will feel better.
I don't talk to her, 99% of the time, what she knows about me is what she overhears when I'm talking to my mom and when my sister is in the same room, and my mom asks me a question, I have to answer my mom, so she's privy to when I'm saying too.
You're so right about other sibs and saying that to them.
I really like your last paragraph, that's really touching, thank you.
Of course, this is easier said than done. I’m not able to do it:
“Anyone who can make you angry is your master. I try to never let anyone control my emotions.”
Alternatively, avoid if possible, certain people.
Alternatively, keep venting.
(When you vent, remember me VentingisSNACK)
:)
Alternatively…I don’t know. I wish we all had the good luck of being born into a super cuddly, warm, loving family.
Alternatively, “win” by being happier, healthier, more successful than any of your siblings. You deserve it.
I come from a family of mega grudge holders. I was estranged from one sister for nearly 35 years and the other we had some tiff seven years ago. I patched things up in 2020 with both of them because my parents started to decline and I was afraid neither would pick up the phone to let me know when my mom or dad died.
I keep it cordial. I can’t feud anymore. Takes too much out of me.
I wish I had 35 years part from my sister, other sibs, because maybe the time will change matters. I've never been given the space for that so far.
Plus the sibs in my case will be relying on me for, things like what happened to her, I'm only going to say bare minimum. They should've been there watching her conditions worsen, going to appointments, nursing her for mild symptoms and so on. I do believe they've missed an opportunity to know mom the person, rather than just mom, that's something I will cherish forever, probably in the painful moments, it will be the thing that will keep me going in the future.
I appreciate your answer HHF.
As my mom ages, she's understanding less about what the siblings are capable of; she doesn't understand that they instantly message between themselves to know what's happening with me and what's going on at my mom's place; this one sister is their daily reporter, the conduit. So mom is not there to keep the peace she had when she was younger; she says you just do your own thing to me. She doesn't understand that seeing someone who's caused so much ill will and anger and told countless lies should be as easy as doing my own thing in the same house when I can't even bear the sight of them.
So as my mom ages and understands less about all the blame games, It only leaves me to fend for myself. I anticipate the arguments about the property; seeing as it was also their childhood home, they will claim sentimental value for it belonging to them. As though there has been a long silence between me and them, they'll want the opportunity to throw their weight around. So I have all this wonderful "stuff" BS to look forward to.
While I may see the other side of not feeling like I'm imprisoned by siblings any longer, I know it will have taken its toll on me. They contributed to health issues through the stress over the years. That's the nightmare life I've been living; here's Todd with the news...