Both have dementia. Dad (89) has Vascular Dementia and Mum (86) has Alzheimer’s. They have been going downhill for quite a few years now. On the days I visit them in the NH, I sometimes find it hard to get out of bed. I feel like my life has been on hold for years. I am 64 now and just want to live a little before it’s too late. However, I feel guilty for even thinking these thoughts.
Thank you for your reply - it helps me alot - I just love this website. I feel less alone. I saw my mom the other day(briefly) and it made me feel so bad. I thought about your question and thought that it's just the reality that dementia(and dying) makes one feel bad. So I struggle thru it.
We absolutely need to get in some good things while we can. I'm so glad you're not seeing your parents as much. I thought I'd write out what things I'd really like to do/see before I can't and think about how to get there.
Take Care :)
I feel for you and your plight. Take care of yourself first and foremost. It’s not easy when your father won’t make the sensible decisions because then it impacts sorely on your life. My dad was the same until I took control of the situation.
Good luck and thinking of you.
Imho it’s better to say: whatever is best, I’m leaving it up to you kids (but don’t fight about it lol)
I should go on to say: “after all I did for you!” or “after all you put me through!” or “you know I died on the delivery table when you were born and they had to revive me!” Just kidding.
I wish we all could remember how to be nice and act appreciative for anything they do for us when we’re that old, but there’s no telling what frame of mind we’ll be in then.
Maybe we should write letters to them now while we’re cognizant of how our parents have wrung us out.
Better yet, I’m going to write myself a letter to remind how it felt taking care of mom. Hope I can read my own letter when the time comes...lmfao!
charlotte
All the best
How many parents would be horrified if they saw their children in such states when it could be remedied with a placement.
One of my friends did just as you are describing around neglecting their own health. She was care giving for both parents and working from home. Her father died, her mom became more in need, and my friend had a massive MI, spent a couple of days in ICU while all of her organs failed and then she died. She had not gone to a doctor in years. The result was that her brother had to get mom and he placed her in a LTC place as he knew he could not take care of her and his own family. Something to think about.
Good luck.
I used to cry almost every not because I’ve became realized that my parents were not the same people I used to know for 47 years. They were getting worse, and worse as the time went by. It was like their souls were dying. Crying is what helps me to get through my pains. Just think of your parents who you knew have died already, and treat them as different people. Crying is God’s way of cleanse your spirits so you can move on to the next level of helping your “parents.“ Remember, this chapter of your life with your parents will end soon.
Hugs.
The only thing that helps me is to open up to the sadness and allow it, sometimes for a night or a whole day.
Then I have to ask myself what am I making it all mean? What are my thoughts behind my sadness and can I change them at all?
For instance:
My mom is dying
My thoughts about that are vast but it makes me feel out of control and then my feelings get out of control.
I try to slowly change my thoughts.
To something like "My mom is dying but is here now, how can I make the most of this situation?" or "how do I want to show up for her?"
I want to be a loving daughter who honors her life. She wanted me to be successful and productive. This thought changes my out look.
If my mom wants me to be successful and productive then laying in bed is not honoring her.
I make a plan that includes her and makes me feel good. Like a movie day, a homemade dinner for both of us or a manicure. I am then showing up for both of us and spending quality time with her.
It is a balance, some days are easier than others but I want to live like she wants me too. She does not want me to spend all of my time with her but doing things that move me forward in my life. I am sure your parents want the same for you.
Personally guilt leaves me spinning and not enjoying want I want to do.
What can you do that will not make you feel guilty but serves both you and your parents?
It has helped me tremendously finding this website. I no longer feel alone and isolated - I know others are going through the same things. So definitely stay in touch and come back as often as you need to remember that and grt support!
Therapy is also another avenue. Local senior centers usually can point you to therapists that have experience with caregivers.
If you are looking for things to do and don’t wont to go alone (maybe lost touch with friends whilst caregiving as I did), try meetup.com. Search for groups with your interests. There are groups for walks, dining out, going to see a movie, etc. I’ve made some very supportive friends there that have similar interests. Some even call to see how I am and to get me out of the house.
Good luck to you!
It can't be avoided, unless you die young. Even then....everyone is going to suffer some indignities with life.
Try to make some simple plans for you and then follow through. I started this journey at 63 and will be 67 soon. We do deserve a life of our own while caring for our parents. I've learned that takes practice. My best to you! I hope it helps to know you are not alone. God bless!
I'm in the same boat! Watching my dad in the slow decline....
One thing I realized is that I cannot live his life for him. This is HIS journey, not my own. I can bring only support and love, yet I cannot do it for him or take it on energetically....
I also bring little things to make him happy. Favorite foods, movies, photo books, and talk to him (about whatever--mostly news from the Good News Network).
Are you an empath?? Read this for understanding:
https://themindunleashed.com/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html
Release any guilt! It's a false thought. Just let that go!
Write down all the things you would like to do. Start making baby steps to start living your Life more fully. Forget your age! 60s are the new 50s! Any form of exercise will release endorphins naturally. Take up something, even just walking around the block several times.
And know, you're not alone, sister!! We support YOU!
More power to you to begin!
They no longer feel like the get a way they use to be......it's difficult when you are in so deep to get out of your head for any length of time....
Without going into my whole story - ( and neither of my folks have or had dementia or memory problems ) they did of course age and have illness ( brain tumors, quad bi pass, severe neuropathy, broken or fractured bones from falling ..........). My mother's health declined so much while she was trying to care for my dad - and I was helping take care of both of them with laundry, groceries, dr appointments, helping them to get bed nightly, taking care of maintenance issues that come with living spaces...etc) All this said - I really thought that by being there, doing as much as I could ( along with the worry and stress and sadness that they were not able to do what they wanted due to physical problems) that IT WOULD HURT LESS because I was there - running myself ragged and emotionally spent. NOPE. My learning moment : It still hurt when my dad passed. It has been two years and - not that I am depressed - but the pain I feel is just as bad as if I had not been with him at all during the last 10 years of illness and decline. My mom's health has slowly improved in between falling and breaking her ankle - but I am managing to keep boundaries so that my health does not fail ( either physically or emotionally with stress). I still do all laundry and grocery shopping , errands and talk and text her everyday - but have learned that losing them will hurt period --- if I see them once a year or if I see them daily.
I get some peace just knowing that my dad made it to 80 as so many people don't.
Please take time for yourself and enjoy the days - no matter how you spend them.
Grace + Peace,
Bob