Both have dementia. Dad (89) has Vascular Dementia and Mum (86) has Alzheimer’s. They have been going downhill for quite a few years now. On the days I visit them in the NH, I sometimes find it hard to get out of bed. I feel like my life has been on hold for years. I am 64 now and just want to live a little before it’s too late. However, I feel guilty for even thinking these thoughts.
I think as we watch our loved ones change and decline before our eyes we must remember that they have been watching themselves do this for years and it's not a big shock to them anymore. It's been a process that has been happening to them for a while just like with ourselves. So when you feel sad and can't face visiting them cause it hurts to see the changes just keep in mind that to them this is just another step in their process. It may not make you feel any happier about it but it may help you to relate to them more.
I hope this made sense. It made sense to me when i was typing it. LOL
Do you have a friend you can go out with. It's good to be with others to take away some loneliness and boredom.
All the best
Do you feel they're being well taken care of there?
I agree with many others - you have nothing to feel guilty about. It's hard to see parents decline but I have to assume they're in a safe place and having their needs met.
You DESERVE to have some fun and have a good life. To rebuild your health and your relationships.
Depending on your visitation schedule, I bet it'd be totally appropriate for you to cut it back. For example, if you go 3 days a week, cut if to 2. Use that time to specifically do something for YOU. Or if you go for long visits, cut them shorter. I have a feeling that at their advanced ages and conditions, that long visits (if they are so) might not be necessary.
You can both visit your parents AND have a life!
I had to forget about living life, as I was too busy helicoptering over my parents. Trying to convince my Mom that they needed caregivers [which fell on deaf ears, sorry for the pun], and trying to convince my Dad that he needed to donate his car [no, he can't drive in an emergency, you call 911].
My folks passed on a couple of years ago, and I haven't got my energy back, still dealing with all the stress [now on meds], and dealing with a ton of health issues that are related to the stress.... [sigh]. Guess I can look at the photos of my parents enjoying their retirement and live through that. I do miss my Dad's sense of humor.
I am also wanting to rebuild some kind of life for myself as I lost so many relationships while caring for them.. including all my siblings, relatives, and any friends I had... my life has been somewhat on hold for over 7 years...and who knows how much longer.
Just wanted to say I understand how heartbreaking it is to be in this situation.. heartbreaking and lonely...
It is also very difficult me to visit them.. and visits take a lot out of me.. Its alls so hard..
(((hugs)))
And it's nobody's fault. It is what it is. It's life. In order to have life, we also have to have death.
Would you really want your parents to live forever? They sound unhappy now--I think wishing more life on them is actually cruel, at some point.
Every single time I see my mother all she can talk about is how she could kill herself in a week if she just stopped taking all her pills. This is sheer manipulation on her part and I DO NOT play along.
I have NOTHING to feel guilty for. Neither do you. Why would you? Feel guilty at the natural passage of time and life?
If it's guilt over past, unresolved behaviors, then remedy those, as best you can and accept the reality.
I feel for my DH who (15 years after his dad died) still says "Y'know, if dad hadn't had that darn pneumonia, he'd still be here" . Said by a man who was not on the best terms with his father.
Best of luck to you.