Why do so many aging parents expect their children to do ALL the caregiving work?

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Why do so many aging parents expect their children to do ALL the caregiving work?

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CountryMouse, my dad's dementia was the result of quack drugs in the hospital. Docs way methods was to sedate symptoms instead of seeking solutions....lazy way. Never had quack drugs ever.

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subdued joy - interesting about thinking others think like us - went to a class beginning of the month, nothing ostensibly to do with anything like this but takeaway I took away - he said most of us expect our stuff to be left alone, right - but the other side of things is people who expect that if you expect your stuff to be left alone you'll protect it, that if you don't your expectation is that you're inviting it to not be left alone, thing is if you assume others do think like you you don't think there should be a need for communication to find out they don't because you just assume they do, kinda like you used to think you could assume that people would want to get married first, but not anymore or maybe never was, but anyway son and wife did at least do so, but then he did think she was on birth control because she was a brittle diabetic who should not have children because it could kill her so he didn't think any need to use a condom either but what he didn't know is not sure if she didn't care if it did, she wanted a baby, but even so he didn't think he could father any anyway, something having taken drugs, somewhat like fil didn't think he could either because he'd had mumps, but he had 4 - yes, we'll just leave that at that - just like son wound up with daughter after finding out wife did end up so after finding out after passing out at work, so she got her baby but not him by the time she actually got it, but all right because she got her another one, one she'd had before and had a chance to have again but picked son instead, but not sure if learned his lesson or what because he was with the next one lot longer and never had one, but then she also got one almost immediately by the next one, go figure but even though it didn't kill her it did cause her to lose the sight in one eye, which had always said - and her eye doctor did, after multiple surgeries - which she'd moved close to because of new one where his mom was, but still across state line where had good insurance but wouldn't cover eye doc so moved across that state line to where he was but then didn't have the insurance unless she sued him for child support, which she did - so, yes, if they'd only talked, especially since she knew he already had a son but that's another long story
re the other, introverts are in the minority
took a while of reading comments, don't think got this in the original post - Dorriane's relationship with her mother, maybe has something to do with it - could it be?

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@debdaughter. I'm not sure if this has something to do with Dorriane's relationship with her mother. I'm not with them to see. But yes, it might be part of the problem. It could be that Dorriane's mother had a hard childhood and tends to misunderstand things, tends to take them personally. And Dorriane might be doing the same thing for the same reason. As a result, their relationship is strained even though they do care about each other. They have to care for each other. Otherwise, why would they be together?

And then there is also the possibility that certain things about each other really annoy each other. We usually don't like everything about those we love.

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@CarlaCB

Yes, not all elderly parents have dementia. I listed some reasons. I'm sure there are a lot more that I missed. Like Countrymouse said, some people are very private.

I went back and read my posts. I posted several times, each time trying to give advice. It wasn't that people were complaining, it was that people were complaining and attacking anyone who gave advice.

I understand that your mother doesn't seem to appreciate you. My MIL had trouble saying things like “please” and “thank you.” She yelled to her husband and son to get this and that for her.

It wasn't until I was severely ill for one and a half years out of two years that I truly understood the frustration that many elderly have. When I was ill, it was really difficult for me to think about anything but my frustrations and pain. However, I did show appreciation, but then I wasn't ill for years and still had hope that I would get better.

When I spoke to my MIL when she was dying, I told her that she had a good life, that she raised a good son, and that her husband had taken good care of her. She smiled. It was clear that she loved and appreciated them.

The medication might be important to your mother. She might be saying that you have to stop there because she feels it's urgent that someone help her to get her medication ASAP. She might be hoping that the pharmacy will have it even though she knows it's very possible that they won't. If it happens again, then you can try stopping somewhere close by, looking up the number of the pharmacy on your smart phone, and calling to see whether or not they have the medication. That might help save you some time.

I kind of get the impression that there are a few posters who are used to whining together and didn't notice that the original poster stated that this would also be a place to share tips. That's what I've been trying to do.

I probably wouldn't have even posted if I had known that this was supposed to be a whine thread. But even if it were just a whine thread, the original poster does not own, direct, or manage the post. The original poster is merely the person to start the thread. I was a web developer for some 10 years. That's how we coded forums. Otherwise, we would have given the original poster the ability to do things such as approve posts and/or remove posts. Instead we allowed anyone to post and to report a post. We also allowed people to edit their posts and remove their own posts. As for managing the post, we gave the moderator the ability to remove other people's posts.

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What we really need on this forum is the ability of all posters to mute or block particular other posters. 'Nuf said.

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I don't mind people offering different opinions, in fact I welcome it (most of the time). It is only a problem when someone feels the need to repeat the same opinion ad nauseum... it's like trying to have a conversation when the other person just keeps on talking over you.

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You can just skip them, Carla.

I bought The Guardian newspaper for some years on the grounds that it isn't intellectually healthy only to read or listen to people you already know you agree with. But this was a while back; and one thing I have noticed, with both that paper (which I eventually couldn't stomach any longer) and the BBC, which in the UK you can't really avoid, is that more and more these channels are assuming that their audience share their opinions and addressing only those. It's really not good for quality of debate and deliberation.

So no matter how alarming or frustrating or objectionable you might find particular posters, as long as they stick within the pretty well-policed guidelines of AC it's still important to acknowledge that they do have a view - even if trying to fathom it makes you too tired to bother.

For bullies or trolls or aspiring shock-jocks, there's always the Report button. Feel free!

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I have found that venting negative thoughts only reinforces them. I have also been told to avoid negative people because they will just bring you down. Now I understand why.

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Soccer 001 and Joyless,

You're a real work of art. My own mother hasn't taken care of me for well over 20 years now. Don't owe her or anyone a thing and what I did was out of the kindness of my heart, unlike she ever did for her own mom. But people's attitude about it like her and you made me stop and look in the mirror, alright.

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Subdued joy,
I, also, would rather not be in the company of constant complainers. I 'had' a friend that just complained about everything. It got tiring, always trying to bring up the positive to counter her negativity. She left her husband of 30 years for a "friend", quit talking to her son and me and rode off into the sunset. No more complaining.

However, (that's the word) there IS a place for everything and everything in its place, as the old saying goes.

Here, there are many caregivers who, without the assistance of this forum, would go batty and scream at their loved ones. Think of negative comments as therapy for the posters.

It also fosters comerauderie for those in the same situation. Somehow not being the only one in a particular situation can be comforting.

If you're not in that "space", then skip over to other more lively or interesting posts. I don't read every single post on here-gosh, just the ones I do read and respond to, take up time. I especially don't like the back and forth of nailing opinions into the ground.

A fun thread is "What's for dinner?"

If it's the difference between tearing your hair out or having a negative attitude here, best to moan and groan among kindred spirits.
(In my humble opinion, of course.)

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Ceecee, relationship with dad was ok. Was much closer to mom. She and I were friends and cared for both of them the same....gave it my all. Did not understand dad much till, I learned about his upbringing which clarified his personality. He always gave. I pushed myself caring for him till I was hospitalized. After the hospital, physical health still poor and continued pushing myself....love. Was raised to think of others and build on their interests to improve relationships. Then work on the negative.

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Subduejoy, one person here has posts that describe little when conveying there thoughts. There words run over each other without stopping. Please help her.

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why would Dorianne and her mother be together unless they care about each other? maybe they feel they're supposed to?

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Debdaughter,

What does whether caring about one another have to do with feeling tired and needing help? Sounds like Dorianne's been going into overdrive in the caring department, if you ask me. That's the problem; caretakers being made to feel shamed for "complaining" when they are the ones who SHOULD be able to be supported and understood due to doing all the back breaking work. I think people end up crazy, sick and/or 6 feet under because they are so busy denying what they're going through in the name of appearing as "martyrs". All the while, you are doing yourself nor the one you are taking care of a service if you don't face real facts. Like a coworker of mine said yesterday while we were on the subject of caretaking; I want to be 6 feet above and not 6 feet below.

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ceeceeisme, I didn't say anything about whether caring or not caring had anything to do with feeling tired and needing help; I'm not sure whether Dorianne "cares" or not; she's the one who brought up their previous relationship; I'm not trying to make her feel shamed; I somewhat understood her op to mean that her mother was making her feel that way or trying, anyway; I think there are some others who are, but not me; I like all the thoughts that have been presented regarding the caregive - Dorriane? - looking at it as getting help for themselves, rather than for the one they're caregiving for; I know when I was taking care of my mom recovering from her hip surgery, my son had an angiogram the same day, then, yes, knowing this about mom, he still needed to go back and get his results and read by the doc who ordered them and wanted me to go with him - which I wanted to go; I didn't live up there so rarely had the opportunity and this was for something he'd been dealing with a long time, her surgery came up somewhat unexpectedly so I'm not really sure which was scheduled first so that possibly they wouldn't have had to have been on the same or if not or if the follow-up appointment could have been done differently but either way probably had I been there I would been because still taking care of her, also he was her "special" grandson so really she probably would have wanted to go herself but it was so early on she knew there was no way so think she probably glad and actually probably would rather I have gone than not and him go by himself, she just possibly would have just wanted me to just leave her there by herself, which at that point there was no way so I called a "friend" of hers from church to see if she would come stay with her while I went, which also I thought it would be good for her to have a "friend" "visit" with her for a while, rather than it be just me all the time - I say "friend" in quotes because this wasn't somebody she "hung out" with so she wasn't entirely comfortable but it was somebody I thought would be good for her to be with - and maybe the other way around - maybe that wasn't my call but her "friends" I really don't think would have done it or possibly not been capable; they were all older, more mom's age, while this lady was somewhat younger and I'm so glad, though did hate it for mom, but she have - and her only, of all things, maybe anxiety? over her being there, I don't know - her only accident for the whole time but I was so....grateful for how she handled it; she didn't make a big deal about it when she told me when I got back, just handled it without making mom feel any worse than I'm sure she already did

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I guess the other thing I was not considering myself a "martyr"; my being there with mom was something we had discussed about how her having the surgery was going to be handled; the only thing I did hate was my son and dil and I more or less were like ships passing in the night; they moved down to where I lived literally as I was on my way up to stay with her, if there were any martyrdom it was in my getting their apartment arranged right before I left

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This thread has become a vent for people who are angry with each other or themselves. Could we just stop?

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Dorianne:

"Maybe I should take that idea I had about opening a senior's home and cat rescue seriously, lol!"

The Crazy Cat Lady Cat Sanctuary!!! Get it going, I'll sign up now!!!

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I laughed during this question, not because I am insensitive but because the person could not see that her mother loved her more than anything, she'd rather have her company and give her money than pay someone else. parents remain parents especially when they have dementis because they are living in the past and you are their child. they think of you as children and wish to take care of you and not pay money to caretakers. it's that simple. the roles are always there, the same as it is for you as the rebellious one who wants to have their own life. she misses you and is confused. I know because I just spent the weekend with my husband who has dementia being astoundished that his 55 year old son and my 37 year old grandson could move furniture, he was so proud. and than he went upstairs and cried. it is difficult having a foot in two worlds and i'm not making light of your situation. I have taken care of him for 17 years and have felt like you at times. but when she thinks of you that why she is trying to protect you as you are trying to protect her. this is the humor and sadness of this disease. try to be in her shoes sometime because one day you will.

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Jan123 - i have to disagree. My In Laws demand that we do yard work and clean their house and the stuff they no longer want to do. They won't pay for it because "children should help their parents, parents should not have to pay outsiders". They won't pay us. They won't seek outside help because "children should help their parents". Never mind that we are also in our 50's.

My anecdotal experience with my parents and my husband's parents are that they are too cheap to pay for help - even when they know the kids are swamped with their own full time jobs, children, and houses to take care of - and a feeling of entitlement. Yet none of the four helped their older parents - all four willingly went to senior living. But we are expected to help them stay "independent". There is no consideration of US here, only THEIR wants. That is why we have boundaries - if we don't have the time - we say NO and they either leave it sit or hire someone. Mostly it is leave it sit and continue to blame us. Nor will they talk to us about how this added burden stresses us out. "Children should WANT to help their parents" give me a break.

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I deal with this too, I have been told that’s my “job” for her raising me. But in the other spectrum my dad in NY that has heart problems and his wife just passed away unexpectedly... wishes he could drive and do things independently but cannot. And it’s so frustrating for him. My mom isn’t like that out here in CA and doesn’t feel guilty at all for being a burden when she is and with her pain Meds.

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SD8073 - It's our "job" because they raised us? So, raising a child for 12-15 yrs, cause, let's face it, after that they just need money for food and clothes and support in school...not caregiving...we have to repay with 20+ yrs of our lives sometimes...wow!

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Can you get your dad to come out to CA?

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The many posts on these topics give some clear answers to Dorianne's questions: why they do it and how to cope. They do it because it’s the easiest solution for them, they get to see you, they have someone to complain to, they like to remember when you were little and needed them, and they enjoy feeling self-righteous. You cope by making sure they have alternatives, setting out what you can and can’t do, and learning that “No” is a complete sentence (a wonderful quote from another poster). You protect yourself by sharing your problems with people they are likely to complain to, and by developing a thicker skin when you get complaints from those whose interest is only your parents, not the rest of your family. There are no easier solutions.

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My friend's mom told her straight out: "Either quit your job and take care of me, or I'm leaving my entire $3 million dollar plus estate to charity!"

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Very true! I'm so very tired of my current situation. I allowed my mom to move back in with me - she bounces around like a ping pong ball - never staying in one place very long and I do believe she thinks she is above having to secure HER own apt. and pay rent. She did so for 5 years but complained about it the whole time! How high the rent was and she found everything possible wrong with her apt. I told her I've been paying rent since I was 18 and I'm now 58!

I also get no support from my family. They count me out and really don't even pay me the respect of listening to me when I've made it clear we ALL need to talk about the future of her care and that I'm exhausted. I was also recently "judged" by my SIL. She's retired, her parents have died and left her a substantial inheritance and she has assistance from my brother. She had the NERVE to tell me I wasn't the only one that had to take care of a home and that I seemed to looking for PITY!!!! OMG!!! I almost had a melt down. I HATE it when people try to judge you - when they don't have a freaking clue. My mother is very narcissistic, jealous, critical and controlling. I'm getting ready to break free and I don't care if the family ever talks to me! I want some peace and privacy in my life! She has some money and is almost 92! She has no business being under my roof as I'm single and work FT.

Plus she had her life. I recently secured a new job - which face it - at this age and I'm not college educated found it difficult to move up. She then wanted to know why I need to make more money (I have an annuity from my previous career)...that I don't even have kids and I just need to stop spending money!!!!! So I have had it with her hurtful, rude remarks. I'm getting ready to jump ship. I'm mad at myself for not moving away a very long time ago.

Life is short - I hope everyone out there will find the courage to realize you have rights to your life. I don't plan to be held "hostage" too much longer...PEACE!

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Texasgal - OMG! I feel your pain! I think this so often..."they lived their life, they enjoyed life, traveled, raised kids..." and now is ok to interrupt our life because they are stubborn or made bad financial decisions in the past and can't support themselves. I get that we can "help" a bit, but over taking our lifes...that's not right!

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Texasgal - I totally relate! Your Mom sounds just like my Mom and your SIL sounds just like my eldest sister (who passed away two years ago, for better or worse). My sister accused me of "creating drama'' and "acting like a martyr" when I petitioned her for help dealing with our very difficult mother. She also refused my request for a family meeting without even bothering to reply, telling another family member that she didn't like feeling like she was "being summoned."

My mother continues to try to live my life for me even though I just started getting Medicare. I recently decided to foster an orphaned kitten and my mother is constantly saying things like "Oh, Carla! The last thing you need is a kitten! Like, who asked her??? The last thing I need is her attempts at control masquerading as helpful advice.

I applaud you for seeing the light of day and making plans to get away and start living the live you want. Good luck and more power to you!

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Texasgal - move her out and live your life!! Let us know how it goes for you.

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"My friend's mom told her straight out: 'Either quit your job and take care of me, or I'm leaving my entire $3 million dollar plus estate to charity!"'

Wow! Just wow! If I were that friend, I'd demand the $3 million up front, before giving notice at my job.

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Carla , and Texas. ... Wow, similar boat here, albeit not $3mil !! Me, too, I have it marked on my calendar to call to start Medicare in a couple of months. And I am working FT and single, AND taking a week vacation next month. My kids know, but haven't told mom yet.... don't want to hear all the negativity!!! And, my phone will stay in OFF mode for the duration.

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If a promise of an inheritance is being used as a control, it is a very good idea to protect yourself. One way is to have the funds put into a trust account, to be used for the parent’s support and the remainder to yourself. If a parent has made a will leaving most of their wealth to charity, talk to them about their own needs while they are still capable of changing it. One horrible post was about that situation, with the charity involved being critical and intrusive about what was being spent for the parent’s needs as the way to protect their eventual windfall. While older people are well and in control, it can be hard for them to imagine that they will need a lot of money for their own care, that they may have to rely on children in a way they never expected, that they may need to reconsider their children’s needs if sacrifices have been made to care for them, or just reconsider who they are grateful to. It can be very hard to respect the ‘honour thy parents’ line if you have been totally cut out of a will. And a charity might well challenge a will made when the parent reaches a later point, on the grounds of undue influence or lack of capacity. Charities have hard nosed lawyers!

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Why do so many aging parents expect their children to do ALL the caregiving work?

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