Why do so many aging parents expect their children to do ALL the caregiving work?
I posted this in the "whine" thread earlier....but I think it might be deserving of it's own thread, for those who want to complain or contemplate the issue, and also to share tips on how they got their parents to accept outside help. This seems to come up a LOT, all over the forum. This is what I wrote (slightly edited):
Why is it that so many aging parents don't see how exhausted and stressed out their caregiver children are? Why can't they see how much work this is? Or do they just not care?
I mean, just reading around in different threads - it's not just dysfunctional families, it's ALL kinds of families.
Like, why DO parents insist that their kids should and must be able to do the work of several paid workers? EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY?
Why do they get so upset and resistant about allowing paid - or even volunteer - help come in to actually HELP their children?
Why do they insist that their kids be totally available to them, sometimes 24 hours a day, without allowing anyone from outside the family to spell them off?
What was all that "I don't want to be a burden" b.s. for, anyway?
My mom was like this even before her mind started going downhill. So it's not just dementia. It started with me driving 350 km every 2-3 weeks because she refused to hire someone to rake the lawn. (But she'd pay my gas and feed me that weekend....which all cost a lot more than hiring someone!)
I am really grateful for home support. I could NOT do this without them. But it was worse than pulling teeth to get my mom to accept even a minimal amount in the beginning. She still gripes about them coming in, even though they are 10x more patient with her than I am.
If it's payback for raising us, well.....it's not like our parents never got babysitters, or put us in daycare, or sent us to summer camp/granny's house so THEY could hold down a job and/or get a break.
Wow! Just wow! If I were that friend, I'd demand the $3 million up front, before giving notice at my job.
My mother continues to try to live my life for me even though I just started getting Medicare. I recently decided to foster an orphaned kitten and my mother is constantly saying things like "Oh, Carla! The last thing you need is a kitten! Like, who asked her??? The last thing I need is her attempts at control masquerading as helpful advice.
I applaud you for seeing the light of day and making plans to get away and start living the live you want. Good luck and more power to you!
I also get no support from my family. They count me out and really don't even pay me the respect of listening to me when I've made it clear we ALL need to talk about the future of her care and that I'm exhausted. I was also recently "judged" by my SIL. She's retired, her parents have died and left her a substantial inheritance and she has assistance from my brother. She had the NERVE to tell me I wasn't the only one that had to take care of a home and that I seemed to looking for PITY!!!! OMG!!! I almost had a melt down. I HATE it when people try to judge you - when they don't have a freaking clue. My mother is very narcissistic, jealous, critical and controlling. I'm getting ready to break free and I don't care if the family ever talks to me! I want some peace and privacy in my life! She has some money and is almost 92! She has no business being under my roof as I'm single and work FT.
Plus she had her life. I recently secured a new job - which face it - at this age and I'm not college educated found it difficult to move up. She then wanted to know why I need to make more money (I have an annuity from my previous career)...that I don't even have kids and I just need to stop spending money!!!!! So I have had it with her hurtful, rude remarks. I'm getting ready to jump ship. I'm mad at myself for not moving away a very long time ago.
Life is short - I hope everyone out there will find the courage to realize you have rights to your life. I don't plan to be held "hostage" too much longer...PEACE!
My anecdotal experience with my parents and my husband's parents are that they are too cheap to pay for help - even when they know the kids are swamped with their own full time jobs, children, and houses to take care of - and a feeling of entitlement. Yet none of the four helped their older parents - all four willingly went to senior living. But we are expected to help them stay "independent". There is no consideration of US here, only THEIR wants. That is why we have boundaries - if we don't have the time - we say NO and they either leave it sit or hire someone. Mostly it is leave it sit and continue to blame us. Nor will they talk to us about how this added burden stresses us out. "Children should WANT to help their parents" give me a break.
"Maybe I should take that idea I had about opening a senior's home and cat rescue seriously, lol!"
The Crazy Cat Lady Cat Sanctuary!!! Get it going, I'll sign up now!!!
What does whether caring about one another have to do with feeling tired and needing help? Sounds like Dorianne's been going into overdrive in the caring department, if you ask me. That's the problem; caretakers being made to feel shamed for "complaining" when they are the ones who SHOULD be able to be supported and understood due to doing all the back breaking work. I think people end up crazy, sick and/or 6 feet under because they are so busy denying what they're going through in the name of appearing as "martyrs". All the while, you are doing yourself nor the one you are taking care of a service if you don't face real facts. Like a coworker of mine said yesterday while we were on the subject of caretaking; I want to be 6 feet above and not 6 feet below.
I, also, would rather not be in the company of constant complainers. I 'had' a friend that just complained about everything. It got tiring, always trying to bring up the positive to counter her negativity. She left her husband of 30 years for a "friend", quit talking to her son and me and rode off into the sunset. No more complaining.
However, (that's the word) there IS a place for everything and everything in its place, as the old saying goes.
Here, there are many caregivers who, without the assistance of this forum, would go batty and scream at their loved ones. Think of negative comments as therapy for the posters.
It also fosters comerauderie for those in the same situation. Somehow not being the only one in a particular situation can be comforting.
If you're not in that "space", then skip over to other more lively or interesting posts. I don't read every single post on here-gosh, just the ones I do read and respond to, take up time. I especially don't like the back and forth of nailing opinions into the ground.
A fun thread is "What's for dinner?"
If it's the difference between tearing your hair out or having a negative attitude here, best to moan and groan among kindred spirits.
(In my humble opinion, of course.)
You're a real work of art. My own mother hasn't taken care of me for well over 20 years now. Don't owe her or anyone a thing and what I did was out of the kindness of my heart, unlike she ever did for her own mom. But people's attitude about it like her and you made me stop and look in the mirror, alright.
I bought The Guardian newspaper for some years on the grounds that it isn't intellectually healthy only to read or listen to people you already know you agree with. But this was a while back; and one thing I have noticed, with both that paper (which I eventually couldn't stomach any longer) and the BBC, which in the UK you can't really avoid, is that more and more these channels are assuming that their audience share their opinions and addressing only those. It's really not good for quality of debate and deliberation.
So no matter how alarming or frustrating or objectionable you might find particular posters, as long as they stick within the pretty well-policed guidelines of AC it's still important to acknowledge that they do have a view - even if trying to fathom it makes you too tired to bother.
For bullies or trolls or aspiring shock-jocks, there's always the Report button. Feel free!
Yes, not all elderly parents have dementia. I listed some reasons. I'm sure there are a lot more that I missed. Like Countrymouse said, some people are very private.
I went back and read my posts. I posted several times, each time trying to give advice. It wasn't that people were complaining, it was that people were complaining and attacking anyone who gave advice.
I understand that your mother doesn't seem to appreciate you. My MIL had trouble saying things like “please” and “thank you.” She yelled to her husband and son to get this and that for her.
It wasn't until I was severely ill for one and a half years out of two years that I truly understood the frustration that many elderly have. When I was ill, it was really difficult for me to think about anything but my frustrations and pain. However, I did show appreciation, but then I wasn't ill for years and still had hope that I would get better.
When I spoke to my MIL when she was dying, I told her that she had a good life, that she raised a good son, and that her husband had taken good care of her. She smiled. It was clear that she loved and appreciated them.
The medication might be important to your mother. She might be saying that you have to stop there because she feels it's urgent that someone help her to get her medication ASAP. She might be hoping that the pharmacy will have it even though she knows it's very possible that they won't. If it happens again, then you can try stopping somewhere close by, looking up the number of the pharmacy on your smart phone, and calling to see whether or not they have the medication. That might help save you some time.
I kind of get the impression that there are a few posters who are used to whining together and didn't notice that the original poster stated that this would also be a place to share tips. That's what I've been trying to do.
I probably wouldn't have even posted if I had known that this was supposed to be a whine thread. But even if it were just a whine thread, the original poster does not own, direct, or manage the post. The original poster is merely the person to start the thread. I was a web developer for some 10 years. That's how we coded forums. Otherwise, we would have given the original poster the ability to do things such as approve posts and/or remove posts. Instead we allowed anyone to post and to report a post. We also allowed people to edit their posts and remove their own posts. As for managing the post, we gave the moderator the ability to remove other people's posts.
And then there is also the possibility that certain things about each other really annoy each other. We usually don't like everything about those we love.
re the other, introverts are in the minority
took a while of reading comments, don't think got this in the original post - Dorriane's relationship with her mother, maybe has something to do with it - could it be?