Guys my mom and dad are gonna unalive each other. Dad makes mom feel like a burden. He is hardwired negative, and every word he says cuts at your soul a little.. if there is a giant blue sky he'll point at the little cloud and say it's cloudy... And he just doesn't get why that is upsetting on a regular basis about everything and now that it's about everything he has to do it's even worse. She showers, dresses and toilets on her own. He does have to clean, shop, and manage her meals and meds thru feeding tube. Which we hear about endlessly.
I don't know how she's dealt with it for this long honestly. I told him he needs to stop and THINK about what he says. It is a lot I know but he can also be very selfish at times, like dude this is marriage and it is what it is.
I walked into an awesome shit storm this morning of arguing (I come here daily for 3 hours or more to give dad a break) and crying and hurt feelings. I think I calmed it but I know I'm gonna need to hire help. I can't be responsible for their longstanding problems that are coming to a head.
Seeing my counselor Wednesday. And mom has one too that we all go to so this, will definitely be discussed!! Just venting thank you.
I know, none of that is going to help your mom one whit and she needs some relief - it’s not fair that she is forced to depend on someone with so much resentment to give her such fundamental care. Obviously, it’s breaking her down and is bad for both her physical and mental health. I think you’re on the right track hiring her an aid as soon as possible. I hope your dad will agree.
This stuff is so hard on everyone involved. Thank you for being there for both of them.
I think that kids, when they don't feel RESPONSIBLE for their parent's woes, spend too much time thinking of it as "woes".
Basically this is it. Their marriage. And trust me, they come in all varieties. We each form our own basic little communication style. Were it recorded, I am sure that we would be appalled to hear ourselves. But it is kind of "our own thing". Repetitive and predictable. It has a sort of "script".
So my basic question here is "Was it ever any different" with them? Or is this just their "style"--their script to their play?
I think back to my first husband (of many--ha ha).
When I first met his parents they were bickering and shouting at one another. And it never ended. It was his Mom that I dubbed the "battleax" while he seemed sweet. I later saw how he could kind of play her, making her seem more nuts than she made herSELF seemed on her own. Yet when Mr. Z. died wasn't Helen just soooooooo distraught that nothing could stop the flood, how she couldn't go on without him, and on and on. Then THAT became her script.
And honestly, the grief was very real. She did love him. And he her. But they had that "thing going". That identity all their own. A weary war. A sub-culture that was them. It became so predictable you could figure the responses when you were around it. Went from scary to kind of interesting to listen to.
I don't know sometimes where the normal ends and the abusive starts in relationships. Because if an outsider ever intervenes (and Cops know this well as it is how they most often lose their lives--domestic calls) then the wrath is turned on THAT person.
It's odd. Interesting. But odd.
Add a bit of frustration in (and your Dad at his age must be VERY frustrated) and you really bring the stew to a boil.
Has to be hard for you. And I am sorry.
Not sure what you can do for Dad. Its just too ingrained at this point.
She died in June and it is so much better visiting him now. It is pleasant and don’t have to listen to her histrionics.
Daughterof1930, he has always been this way (negative life force) and they have always fought. Like wished they would get divorced when I was a kid fought. Like you Alva with hubby #1 in laws (lol) I could recite and predict their fights, like a play on repeat. When I was able to get my own place and visit, one day they started and I simply got up and left. They never did it again in my presence. Until today.
I limit my time with him. She is still fun to be with despite her many ailments. I only go over as often as I do because he leaves when I get there 🤣. In all fairness he does his best, he is dyslexic and English as a second language so my mother has always done all the "brain" labor, bills, managing insurance, she pulled out today that she submitted all his unemployment claims etc over the years (ouch) so I know he's worried about how would he survive without HER, he gets very down on himself about his education.
Dad is trapped in his own head. And correct he won't change now. Just hoping he can control himself after this episode. The little comments about how busy he is now etc. He has no idea how much worse things can and could get. And we are not about to hire 24/7 care at this point. Peasup I appreciate your perspective.
Ah family dynamics, it's so fun.....
My sympathy more went out to her in the loss of him when I understood that indeed, she LOVED him in her way and in so far as she was capable of it. She loved him.
We are flawed at best. You have experience here, I know. You know this. It's quite a journey, this life, isn't it?