A widowed elder of 5 years finds herself alone, having memory issues, basically healthy, not allowed to drive, @ least 2 miles from nearest store, can't afford to stay in home of 40 years, and is resisting all change. 75 years old. Very combative about any thing different. what to do? The house needs to be sold. 2 sons live in town and daughter lives 1200 miles from home. Suggested 6 months North and 6 months south, but, doesn't want any change. Also, many negative attention traits such as not eating unless others present, won't take pills, etc.
Yes, downsizing is a good idea, but it will be difficult for Mom to part with her things. I was lucky, after my Mom passed Dad said to just bulldoze everything [I didn't] as he only wanted a few things from his home.
It is great that you and sibling are willing to take Mom in to care for her but if Mom is having memory issues, moving her every 6 months is not a good idea as those with dementia/Alzheimer's do not like change, as you are now noticing. They want the same routine every day. That's why I was suggesting senior living, as an option.
I feel so sorry for your Mom, so young, and her husband has passed. That is not how she had envisioned the rest of her life. No wonder she is grumpy, I would be the same way, too.
I have a friend who is being very stubborn about taking sensible advice but is still independent at present and seems able to manage her own affairs and ignores any advice. Her solution is to do nothing and let the card fall where they may. All the friends are just stepping back there is nothing else we can do.
So she clings ferociously to what little she has left. To me, that's very understandable.
I echo the concerns of others as to what your relationship is, and what role you're playing. I don't have the impression that you're a relative, but rather are a neighbor or friend and are concerned about this woman.
Whether you have authority, or can influence the family to help out would be a critical factor in making recommendations, unless you have some other authority to act.
But, either way, I think anyone who tries to help needs to frankly assess what she can do, and build on that. E.g., you wrote her house has to be sold; who made that determination? I assume the 2 sons locally aren't helping to maintain the house?
Perhaps they could at least step in and do that so she's more comfortable, which might eventually allow her to see the wisdom of alternatives. But if people continue to tell her what she can and can't do, I can understand that she'd be resistant. They need to work with her, not against her or to try to control here, and that's the impression I get - decisions are made but she's not a part of them. It is, after all, her life, and she has a right to a say in what happens.
As for eating alone, my foster dad was the same way you're describing. Dad didn't want to eat alone and I'm thinking now he may have been starving just because he didn't want to eat alone and he would eat as little as possible just to survive and keep going. He really didn't want to eat alone and he would only eat if I was there. However, despite his efforts to fix us dinner, there came a time when I realized his hands were never clean. Despite my best effort's to try and offered to help with dinner and to even get him to wash his hands, I had to stop eating with him because I didn't want his dirty hands touching my food and anything else that would go in my mouth. Who knows what all diseases were lurking on his hands. In your case though, there should be a live in caregiver who can take over meal prep and a guardian to take over all affairs and most likely the live in caregiver should be the guardian
Sounds like you need to get the family involved. My mom was combative about everything at first. But as the disease progress so do they and what was once a problem may no longer be an issue.
She is not going to help herself, family needs to intervene.
#2 Is she a danger to herself?
#3 Is she a danger to others?
#4 She's far too young to be exhibiting these symptoms.
I do think that assisted living could be very helpful. She sounds like she does better with people around. While she resists change there really is no choice but to change her living situation. I'd check into a local assisted living arrangement and ask advice about how to get her moved. Expect resistance even if she learns to enjoy it since that seems to be her personality.
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Carol