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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Joe, caregiving puts a REAL strain on a marriage! You haven't given us much background to work with but here are some things to consider. What is the reason your Mom moved into your home? How much care does she require and is she cooperative? Does your wife work outside the home in addition to the added responsibility of caregiving or are you doing most of the caregiving. Since your mom is now with you, she should be contributing to the household. That money can be used to buy additional services to help her. How about house cleaning? There isn't a woman I know that wouldn't gladly give up that job. (Imagine your wife's delight) . Does Mom need help showering, etc? Bring in a home health aide a few times a week to do that task. Who is accompanying your mom to medical appointments? Have you taken a turn? Caregiving is a LOT of WORK. Depending upon what help Mom needs, your wife may just be exhausted and need some help. Let us know more about the situation.
Geewiz is right. We need more information. Caregiving is very draining, and you need to examine the reasons you moved your mother in with you and your wife, what your mother and you and your wife's needs are, and how to best solve the problems that have contributed to your wife and you not getting along.
It sounds like you're probably going to have continued problems as long as your mom is living there. It would probably be a good idea to pack her up and relocate her if it means saving your marriage
Echoing the others...please give us more information. Your profile says your mother has mobility problems. Why did you move your mother in with you? Why couldn't she continue to (presumably) live on her own? What are her limitations? What is your wife expected to do for her?
Of course you Love your Mom, BUT and I will speak from experience here. Move her somewhere nice and visit often. My husbands Mother lived with us and 17 year later there is still a strain because of her. She is now in an assisted living place. Do you have siblings? If so work on some rotation living arrangement and spread the MIL care. If you think you are saving money or something having her live with you think about the Negative Expense it is on your Marriage. You wife is your numero UNO. When you married you made a VOW to Her. Decisions like that should of been agreed upon and no-one can ever IMAGINE what it is like for a women to care for her MIL. Sorry it is not the same as caring for one's own mother.
Caregiving is a strain on marriages. I see it happening in our family even though everyone, all my siblings and spouses are trying to be and want to be helpful. All of our marriages are strained as we try to manage moms dementia. We are all held hostage to it. We love her, and care for her, but it's hard. You need to be sure you are doing your part, and not all the responsibilities fall on your spouse too. It's your mother. For us we are seeking full time care or assisted living for mom. Also don't neglect your spouse or marriage for your mom. We are not guaranteed that our spouses will out live our elderly parents, or even live another day. As I care for my mom I try to make sure I don't totally ignore my husband. We are not promised another day. I don't want to ignore him because of what I'm going through as caregiver. He could be gone in an instant. It's very easy to let the urgency of caregiving cause you to neglect your life.
My problem was my husband thought I should be doing more with Mom. First I had taken care of my infant grandson for 18 months and then Mom. They overlapped for a couple of weeks. I live in a split level. Moms room was on the lower level because of the bath and easy excess to the outside. I have a den two floors up that I spend most of my time in. Just big enough for a loveseat, TV and office chair. Husband felt that I should bring Mom up two flights of stairs to be with me. I never really adjusted to caregiving. This was my get away. Things are better now she went to an AL and then a NH for her Dementia.
Since being on this site, I find that when the husbands bring a parent to live in their home, they either feel or let the wife do for her in-law. Have you down this? It seems like our society still thinks caregiving is the womans job. Or, is it the opposite, you are spending all your time with Mom? Do Mom and wife get along? You and ur wife maybe need to sit down and find out how she feels. If Mom has the money, consider an Assisted or independent living place for Mom. If that can't be done than maybe Daycare or hiring someone to sit with her while you go out. Mom must have Social Security that you can use for this.
Very simple answer. If the problems started with her moving in, then move her out. If she won't go, or the husband won't allow it, then get an apartment for a week or so to give them time to come to a realistic plan. Drastic? Yes. Necessary? Yes, unless you wish to continue like it is now. I am not advocating a divorce, quite the opposite. Let mom and your husband, well, maybe your husband, find out firsthand how much 24-7 caregiving will drain a person. After a week or so they should have a plan, or at least the desire to find a plan, that will work for all of you.
When we were first married, we were often charged with "babysitting" for my husband's retarded sister. My husband's #1 goal in life, other than working at the family business 15 hours a day, 7 days a week, was to ingratiate himself to "The Family". When we babysat for sis, Hubby was working and it was up to me to entertain Sis. I didn't t have that great of a relationship with my in-laws and I felt used and unappreciated. Could this be what's going on with you? I highly resented having my personal space invaded by Sis. She rifled through my things and took what she wanted. My husband never expressed appreciation for my care of his sister, which included bathing her and helping her dress. Resentment ran rampant! When my children and grandchildren came along and we moved to a smaller home, I put. my foot down and said enough. Talk calmly and kindly to your wife and listen to her feelings about Mom. Your first obligation is to her and your marriage. Discuss options for other placement for Mom. Good luck!
Joe, the only way that having your Mom living with you is if Mom and your wife have had a close bond, are the best of friends, and enjoy each others company. My late ex-mother-in-law I adored and we remained good friends for decades.
If your wife and your Mom were never really close, then you are mixing oil with water. There will come a lot of resentment going around. The parent/child dynamic will kick in, where the elder feels they are the adult, and you are still the child.
Getting old isn't easy, you no longer can hop in the car and head for the Mall... you can't meet your friends for shopping or lunch as most of them have either moved away or have passed on.... you wake up with a lot of aches and pains... and you always have that fear of falling as your profile says your Mom has mobility issues. The list goes on and on.
Would your Mom enjoy going to an Senior Center where she could enjoy the activities and create new friendships? With new friends, she would be on the phone with them instead of having your wife and/or you be her entertainment.
Fortunately I never had to care for my mother-in-law, who had to be sedated to go to a nursing home. But the home health agency said she needed round the clock care, and she couldn't afford that. She was paranoid and always thought I or her daughter was plotting against her, and I suppose we were. My husband got along with her just fine, but he had mild dementia himself. After the money from the sale of her house was gone, Medicaid picked up what her social security didn't cover. She actually got to like the place, especially after she began to get regular visits from the Hospice folk. She died 9 months before my husband (her son) died from a massive stroke. She was 90 and he was 71. I'm glad she didn't outlive him, I wouldn't have visited her alone as she clearly did not like me.
Joe, it has been 2 days since you wrote your original posting and you haven't been back. Please come back when you get a chance, and answer some of our questions to get a better understanding what is going on.
Your wife is your #1 priority, not your mother. Did you dump your mom into your house and have your wife take care of her? If you did, shame on you. Did you talk to your wife before you moved your mom in? Your wife lives with you as well and she has equal say on who lives with the both of you and how much time and effort she will put into taking care of your mother. We need more details.
Bringing a parent into your home to care for seems like the right thing to do. In our parent's day, care giving for the elderly was a natural thing, as family was close by. I also believe back in the day, there were no places for the elderly to go. I have personally experienced having my mom move in with my husband and I. She had early stages of dementia. For the first 6 months, it was a joy having her, but then things began to change and not for the better. She could not be left alone, ever. My husband and I adapted our lives, but ultimately it came down to our marriage unraveling. I was stressed out from care giving and there was no energy left for him. Here's what I can suggest: Make sure you have covered all your bases with information, information, information regarding your mom's diagnosis. I didn't do this. I didn't know where to begin as it was all new to me. If you have siblings, you must work together! This cannot all be on you. I didn't do this. Get her doctor's opinion on what's best for your mom. When I did this, I found out I was not doing my mom any favors after her dementia increased. She needed routine. Living in assisted living with others her age with planned activities, etc was needed. Do I fight the guilt of not having her with me, especially when she asks why she can't live with me? Oh yes! But, I have gained so much counsel from her doctor, who specializes in elder care and this is a must. It was night and day counsel between her General MD and a Geriatric MD. He specializes in elder care. Just a few pointers I wish I had known before I began this journey. My marriage? We recovered, Praise God!
How much caregiving is your wife doing for your mother? Did your wife agree to any of it? I couldnt have done it and I feel bad for my hubby cos of my mom cos she treats him horrid at times. You will find it only gets worse so best to make choice. Sorry to be so grim :(
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Since your mom is now with you, she should be contributing to the household. That money can be used to buy additional services to help her. How about house cleaning? There isn't a woman I know that wouldn't gladly give up that job. (Imagine your wife's delight) . Does Mom need help showering, etc? Bring in a home health aide a few times a week to do that task. Who is accompanying your mom to medical appointments? Have you taken a turn? Caregiving is a LOT of WORK. Depending upon what help Mom needs, your wife may just be exhausted and need some help. Let us know more about the situation.
Whose idea was this, what discussions took place beforehand, and what are your mother's care needs?
Also don't neglect your spouse or marriage for your mom. We are not guaranteed that our spouses will out live our elderly parents, or even live another day. As I care for my mom I try to make sure I don't totally ignore my husband. We are not promised another day. I don't want to ignore him because of what I'm going through as caregiver. He could be gone in an instant. It's very easy to let the urgency of caregiving cause you to neglect your life.
It isn't easy caregiving and it takes more time than many are prepared to give.
Are you taking on 50%+ to take care of your mother? Or are you expecting your wife to do it all??
Since being on this site, I find that when the husbands bring a parent to live in their home, they either feel or let the wife do for her in-law. Have you down this? It seems like our society still thinks caregiving is the womans job. Or, is it the opposite, you are spending all your time with Mom? Do Mom and wife get along?
You and ur wife maybe need to sit down and find out how she feels. If Mom has the money, consider an Assisted or independent living place for Mom. If that can't be done than maybe Daycare or hiring someone to sit with her while you go out. Mom must have Social Security that you can use for this.
relationship with my in-laws and I felt used and unappreciated. Could this be what's going on with you? I highly resented having my personal space invaded by Sis. She rifled through my things and took what she wanted. My husband never expressed appreciation for my care of his sister, which included bathing her and helping her dress. Resentment ran rampant! When my children and grandchildren came along and we moved to a smaller home, I put. my foot down and said enough. Talk calmly and kindly to your wife and listen to her feelings about Mom. Your first obligation is to her and your marriage. Discuss options for other placement for Mom. Good luck!
If your wife and your Mom were never really close, then you are mixing oil with water. There will come a lot of resentment going around. The parent/child dynamic will kick in, where the elder feels they are the adult, and you are still the child.
Getting old isn't easy, you no longer can hop in the car and head for the Mall... you can't meet your friends for shopping or lunch as most of them have either moved away or have passed on.... you wake up with a lot of aches and pains... and you always have that fear of falling as your profile says your Mom has mobility issues. The list goes on and on.
Would your Mom enjoy going to an Senior Center where she could enjoy the activities and create new friendships? With new friends, she would be on the phone with them instead of having your wife and/or you be her entertainment.